I used to post stories online at one point. It was very helpful and made me grow a lot as a writer, and I remember loving it. Loving the helpful comments I got, the new people I met and just knowing that people read and enjoyed what I made.
But I also remember apologizing, a lot. After each chapter I would write a small comment, about how I hoped that people would like it and that critique was very welcome. But I would apologize. Apologize for “the shittiness”, for it being “too short”, for it not “being good”. As if it was in my power to suddenly make it all perfect and without flaws?
I would apologize for simply making something, for not being good enough.
At one point when I was writing one of these parts I kinda...stopped. I looked at the apology and suddenly realized that it had no meaning there; it was just an empty word in this context. I asked myself “what am I apologizing for?”
I now believe that I wanted to make sure that people knew that I didn’t think my writing was perfect, and that I could see the flaws. I didn’t want them to think that I thought I was good, because thinking you’re good at something “is arrogant”, and coming off as arrogant was...is my biggest fear.
My “sorry” wasn’t an apology. I wrote it to push myself down, to make sure that I didn’t believe too much in myself and what I had made. Because I had to make sure that I didn’t go blind, get arrogant.
"I’m not supposed to think that I’m good enough, and I have to apologize for it.”
This is only something I’ve realized recently though. Back then I just questioned it, and I realized that what I was doing only had a negative impact on myself. I wanted to like what I made, I wanted to be able to like what I made. The empty apology was standing in the way, and while the thought of actually enjoying what I made still scared me, I wanted to take a small step towards it.
So I stopped. I deleted the apology.
I can’t remember if I ever did it again, I wouldn’t be surprised if that is the case, but it isn’t common. Of course such a small thing had no huge impact on me and how I look at my work. It might actually seem very insignificant to you. But it has stayed with me since that moment, for all these years, and I’m happy I took that step.
Why would I apologize for simply trying? For making something? Unless someone is hurt by it and comes to me, there’s no reason for me to say that I’m sorry.
Because I’m not sorry for not making perfect things. I’m not sorry for the flaws in my work.
