Rehab - Introduction
My journey.
When I roll the tape reel of my short 35 years, I often cringe. It’s like a romantic comedy where you’re sort of rooting for the protagonist to get the her or the him, but they keep fucking up in stupid myriad ways, so you have no choice but to feel sorry for them. They’re hospitalized for an overdose, then drink on the way home from the ER. They ruin Christmas for three years in a row. The make up the stupidest lies and fables about themselves in an effort to appear more in control than they actually are.
They struggle. Over and over and over. Until one day they get it. And the love they’ve been making a fool out of themselves for finally loves them.
Or whatever.
Writing has been the most cathartic part of my whole experience. My words have served as both my aegis and my sword. So, I’ve decided to write it all out.
I don’t know how this is going to go. I just know i need to get it out, to free myself of the story that has wrapped itself like a tumor around my insides. I need to tell you about the time I tried to kill myself, the time I hiked into the woods with no provisions except wine, hoping to die. I need to talk about how I prayed every night for God, or whoever was listening, to take me in my sleep. I need to tell you about California and the amazing people that I met. I need to talk to you about my struggles with anorexia, depression, anxiety, sexual abuse and loneliness.
I want to tell you how I found the love of my life and lost him.
I want to tell you about my beautiful children and how I almost lost them.
I want to purge the incredible spectacle of my existence on the screen for you to read and cry and share and gawk and be angry at.
So, I will.
I’ll tell you about rehab. I’ll tell you about being institutionalized. I’ll tell you about some incredibly divine situations I’ve found myself in, that led me to this spot - drinking coffee on a Sunday, sitting in front of my computer, a little money in the bank, writing about how drastically different everything could have been if I hadn’t made the decision to live.