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I cannot believe I have started a discourse as to whether Killua could pull off socks and crocs or not.

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#005 Secret Identity

Superheroing isn’t just about dressing up and punching people. A good chunk of it is that sure, maybe even most of it, but there’s also so much more. There’s also lots of kicking for example. But on a non-fighting track, putting on a mask or a cape or experimental body armor effectively splits your life in two. When you become a superhero you become two different people. One who wears their underwear over their pants and one who wears their underwear under their pants, where underwear belongs. It’s called underwear.

Maintaining a secret identity is important because if your enemies know who you really are all they have to do is look you up on the internet and then boom they know everything about you. The internet knows all! Allowing your enemies to discover who you really are is like writing them a letter saying:

Dear Supervillain, Attached is all the information you will ever need to make my life a living hell. You will find the names of all the people I cherish and hold dear. Feel free to murder them or hold them hostage. I would do anything to make sure no harm comes to them. Definitely exploit that. Additionally, I have provided a list of all the many places you can find me and catch me unawares. My favorite pizza place is a most excellent place to stage an ambush or surprise attack. I am literally never expecting to be attacked while eating pizza. You will also find a list of all my favorite things. TV shows, songs, movies, books, pasta recipes, species of fish. If you were to somehow destroy all of these things, that would certainly make my life a lot more miserable. I know how much you love making my life miserable. Also, feel free to send me a thousand invitations to play annoying mobile games. Fondly, Professor Paleontologist (PP for short) P.S. Wait! I almost forgot, here’s my address and phone number too! Feel free to sign me up for unwanted mailing lists or to prank call me at all hours of the night. Also be sure to subscribe to Supervillains Biweekly: The Biweekly Supervillain Magazine on my behalf! Ciao!

That’s right not only does Professor Paleontologist have a terrible name, he also keeps personal correspondence with his enemies and tells them all his secrets and his nickname is synonymous with urine. He is the worst. Don’t be like Professor Paleontologist kids!

Many superheroes aren’t content with simply removing their costumes when entering into civilian mode (civvie mode for you cool kids who like abbreviating things.) They hold themselves differently, alter their voices, wear fake tattoos, subscribe to different belief systems, subscribe to different magazines. Little extra things here and there that cement themselves as different people from their superheroic alter-ego. This way their friends and family (or the public at large if you’re one of those people that are easily recognizable by the public at large, if you are then hey cool celebrities read my blog) never get suspicious. In a perfect world nobody will ever be like “Hey, I’m sure you get this all the time but your voice sounds exactly like Captain Warhead, quick say something he would say like ‘Fear not citizens, I’ll save the day using nigh-lethal doses of nuclear radiation! Whattup!’ Man what a cool catchphrase. Hey I just noticed you don’t have any tattoos, just like Captain Warhead!” Well actually, I guess in a perfect world we wouldn’t need superheroes but I feel like you get what I’m saying here. The more distinctions you’re able to make between your super and secret identities the better.

For superheroes that are just ridiculously arrogant and forego wearing even the most minimal of masks, maintaining a secret identity can be a lot harder. You can’t just slap on a pair of glasses and call it a day. That would be ridiculous. People look almost exactly the same when they take off their glasses. That is not a good disguise. Nobody thinks a person who wears contact lenses is a different person when their dog accidentally(?) eats all their contact solution and they have to wear their embarrassingly bright pink backup pair of glasses to work. Nobody ever says “Hey random new employee, have you seen Sharon? She looks exactly like you but she doesn’t wear glasses, that’s how I know she’s a different person!” If you’re not going to wear a mask while being a superhero I’m going to have to suggest wearing a mask when you’re being a regular person. Preferably a ski-mask or balaclava type deal that covers your entire face. If you’re going to be a superhero, a significant portion of your face needs to be covered for some significant portion of your day!

Many superheroes don’t want to make a complete division between their superhero lives and their lame-boring-what-who-has-superpowers-definitely-not-me-that-would-be-so-craaaaazy lives. They want to still be able to do good whilst wearing dress shirts and fine slacks (or Hawaiian shirts and socks with crocs I don’t know how you dress). Or, at the very least, they want to be able to stay alert and informed of any situations that might require their superheroic assistance at a moment’s notice. That’s perfectly fine, laudable even, if that’s the case for you you should perhaps look for a job that allows you to do good like a doctor or a fireman or one of those guys who goes out and gives free haircuts to homeless people. However, many of these jobs are high profile or so important that you can’t just duck out any time there’s some superheroing that needs superdoing. For example, if you’re preforming life-saving surgery on a small child you definitely can’t leave just because a fifty-foot mutant panda keeps confusing telephone poles for giant bamboo stalks and is terrorizing the town and disrupting important phone calls! Or some other, more important, direr crisis. How many people’s lives would really be upended if a giant panda ate a telephone pole. Who even still has a landline. As long as he stays away from the cellphone towers I don’t really see a problem. Godspeed giant panda (for those wondering the giant panda’s name is Maurice.)

Superheroes need to be able to find a good work-heroism-life balance. You don’t want to devote so much time to one of those things that the others suffer as a result. You’re also going to need to make sure you have time so sleep. You don’t want to be all tired and cranky while fighting crime and you also don’t want to have to keep missing work because someone couldn’t save their own damn day. It’s important to still be able to function like a normal human being, so people don’t get sus (sus is short for suspicious that’s another one for all you abbreviation lovers.) To do this I suggest finding someone who can stop or control time, hit up all your super-colleagues, all your super-acquaintances anyone you can think of who might be able to help. If that doesn’t work then try finding a job that allows you to sleep, like a professional mattress tester, or a subject in some kind of sleeping experiments. Watch out for this one though, make sure these experiments aren’t being conducted by mad scientists (you should always be on the look out for mad scientists but especially, specifically now).

Having a secret identity can be hard work but it is very important to have one. The alternative is closing yourself off from people and never having friends or loved ones for your enemies to exploit, and that’s no way to live your life.