Summary: This is the first part of a short series inspired by the album Sour by Olivia Rodrigo. This part is insured by the song 1 step forward, 3 steps back. It's very angsty, but that's pretty much how the album is. This first part opens on the relationship between Loki and the reader. Clearly both are broken, and sadly broken people are easily torn apart.
Word Count: 3k
Warning: PG? Implied sexual relations but nothing described in detail. Cursing. Angst. Much sad.
A/N: Bold text is the lyrics from the song.
You and Loki's relationship had always been difficult on the best days, and volatile on the worst. He was the god of mischief and lies, and had come to conquer Earth. You were a friendly unassuming SHIELD tech agent. No one understood how or what had drawn you two together. But from the moment you and Loki had met, you'd collided like a pair of magnets.
Physically you fit together like puzzle pieces. That part of your relationship came together naturally, pun intended. It was everything you'd expected from a god, but it was also so much more than that. He cared for your body in ways you never knew your body needed care. And he responded to each of your touches like a starved man. It was fully mutual worship of each other.
But as great as the physical connection was, your relationship had an issue you both tried to ignore. Self doubt lurked around every corner. Loki felt like he didn't deserve your compassion after everything he had done. He thought you were far too good for him. And he spent everyday waiting for you to realize that and leave him.
You cared so much, almost too much, trying to overcompensate for times you'd been dumped in the past. You felt like he was better suited to one of the more skilled, or better looking members of the team. Or one of the beautiful courtiers that undoubtedly waited for him on Asgard. You threw every ounce of yourself into trying to convince him, and yourself that you were good enough for him.
When he doubted himself, he would distance himself. Or on his darker days he would test you, using cruelty to seek a breaking point. There was no way you would stay if he did this, or that. But his cruelty only forced you to fight back, you'd try to match his games. Thinking he wanted a dark partner like himself.
When you thought he was rejecting you, you'd draw back, making yourself take up as little space as possible. And Loki would try to call up every bit of affection he'd received and shower it back on you.
Eventually something would draw you two back together and you'd drown yourselves in each other. Physically and emotionally. Sharing your beds and your every secret.
Called you on the phone today
Just to ask you how you were
All I did was speak normally
Somehow I still struck a nerve
The problem with knowing someone, really knowing them, is that it means you know what hurts them. You know the exact thing that can break them completely.
It was supposed to be your chance to get out in the field and make a real difference. Instead of hiding behind a tech desk letting the big heroes risk their lives. You'd pushed yourself through months of basic training. And then weeks more of combat, weapons, and stealth training from the Avengers, the literal best of the best. Loki had even helped perfect your knife handling skills. This mission was supposed to be an easy straightforward information grab. You and Natasha would be undercover in some kind of club and the boys would sneak in to get the information and you'd all get out.
But the day before the mission was to take place, Loki convinced Fury that you weren't ready. You'd overheard Loki telling Fury "I know it's supposed to be an easy mission. That's why I'm telling you this. It might be easy, but it's still important. Do you really want some inexperienced kid, screwing up what otherwise would be an easy mission? They're just some lab tech with a few weeks of fun running around in the Avengers training yard." And that was that, you were off the mission.
You're blood boiled, with anger and self doubt and betrayal. And that's why you'd said it. Later you tried to convince yourself you had only meant it as an offhand comment, a joke. But that wasn't true, it was meant to strike a nerve and it landed true.
At breakfast Natasha asked "Ready for your final day of undercover training before the mission tomorrow? And by training I mean shopping. We've got to get you a hot outfit for the club."
"As much fun as that sounds, I won't be joining you," you look up at Loki and see the way he drops his head avoiding your gaze, "I'm off the mission."
"What? Under whose orders? Let me talk to them, I'll get you back on the mission."
Loki sharply looked up at Nat, a moment of panic in his eyes. You wondered, yet again, does he really doubt my abilities that much. It cut deeper than any knife. So you cut back.
"Don't worry Loki, I'm not going to try and force myself onto a team that doesn't want me."
That made Loki's face contort even further, "Y/N, that's not…"
"Don't worry, I know I'm not skilled enough at undercover work for this mission. I mean I haven't had a thousand years of practice hiding my true identity, like you have frosty." And with that you left.
The moment you said it you knew it was too far. That morning it had felt like Loki had stabbed you in the back, but now you had just stabbed him in the heart. You could not stay there and see the effect those words had on Loki. The tears streaming down your face felt like a lie. How dare you cry, when you were the monster. But still they came. And they didn't stop even after you made it back to your room. After you threw yourself on your bed. Or even after you crawled into the bathtub because your bed smelled too much like Loki. And turned the water on, because even your clothes and hair and skin were drenched in the smells Loki had let on them. Had it only been hours ago that you two had gone down to breakfast in your pajamas because you'd cuddled in bed so long you were afraid you'd miss breakfast if you took the time to change?
It's always one step forward and three steps back
Do you love me, want me, hate me? Boy, I don't understand
Eventually the crying passed and you managed to get dressed. Fighting the urge to grab one of Loki's sweatshirts, you pull on an old pair of jeans and a really old t-shirt that have not seen the light of day in years.
Stepping into the common room, you weren't sure if you were hoping to see Loki or not. But he was nowhere to be found. Before you could head to check anywhere else, Tony stopped you.
"Hey, Y/N, glad I caught you. If you're not busy, could you help me in the lab?"
"Sure, looks I don't have anywhere better to be."
"Great thanks. It's this part …"
So you spent the day in the lab, like old times. Trying and failing to not think about Loki. Until you heard JARVIS report "sir the team has returned from their shopping excursion."
Tony chuckled, "I understand everyone loves to shop. But why did reindeer games have to waste my money? Can't he just magic himself some new clothes?"
You laughed, it was a hollow laugh but Tony didn't notice.
"What are the odds they brought home food?" Tony, who was always hungry, asked, setting his tools down, "how about we go find out?"
You panicked, not ready to see Loki yet, "you go on ahead and I'll be right up," you pretended to be really involved with a set of bolts.
"You alright, Y/N? You've been distracted all day."
"Oh, you know just worrying about how the team is going to survive without me tomorrow, ha he ha." You had to fight to keep the laugh from turning into another sob.
"I know you're disappointed not to be going. But don't overthink it, you're plenty talented and more than determined. You'll be out there fighting baddies soon enough."
"At least someone thinks I'm capable."
"Do you want the honest reason Loki told Fury all that crap?"
"I never said anything about Loki. How do you know what he said to Fury?"
"The walls have ears. Anyway, you want the truth?"
"I already know." And the tears returned again, "It's because I'm not ready yet, I'd compromise the mission."
Tony, who'd somehow become the team's father who hated seeing his babies cry, pulled you into a tight hug. "Oh Y/N, don't be ridiculous. You could train for all your life and reindeer games would never think you're ready."
You let out another loud sob into Tony's shoulder.
"No, no, let me finish. It's not that he doesn't think you're skilled, he'd have to be truly blind to think you're not skilled. It's just that he will always think you are more precious than any mission. He wants you here in the lab, because he wants you safe. He doesn't want you on any missions because he cares about you and he'd never live with himself if you got hurt."
"I thought you hated Loki. Why are you telling me all this?"
"Ha, I don't hate him, not anymore. I hate what he did. But I understand now that he wasn't entirely of his own free will. Plus I like the way he's brought you out of your shell. I don't get it, but somehow you two make each other better."
"Don't let him hear you say that. He might think you actually like him."
"No, we wouldn't want that. Are you ready to go up yet?"
"I understand you're probably right about Loki's motives but I said something cruel to him this morning. And I don't think I'm ready to face him yet."
"Alright, well, if you're sure. Why don't you head up to your room and I'll send someone to bring you food in a bit."
"Thanks, Tony" you hug him tight one time, then head to your room.
A little while later, you hear a knock at your door. Expecting it to be Nat or Steve bringing you dinner, you call out "come in". As the door opens, you're surprised to see Loki walking.
"Seriously, what the fuck Tony," you whisper under your breath.
"Don't blame Tony. I heard him send Steve to bring you food and I took it upon myself to bring it to you instead."
"Thanks" you take the plate of food, setting it on the coffee table.
Loki turns to leave.
"Wait, do you want to stay and eat with me?"
"I already ate."
"You could just sit with me while I eat? I mean why else would you bother being the one to bring my food."
"I just wanted to make sure you were alright. Now that I know you're ok, I let you have your space. Plus it's getting pretty late. I'm just going to head back to my room and get ready to go to sleep."
"Oh, I thought you might sleep here tonight."
Loki looked for a second as if he might say yes, but instead, "I better not. I need my bed so I can get some quality sleep before the mission. You know how it is" and then he turned and left your room. Shutting the door behind himself, before you could say another word.
Once the door was closed you whispered to yourself, "no, I don't know how it is."
You got me fucked up in the head, boy
Never doubted myself so much
Like, am I pretty? Am I fun, boy?
I hate that I give you power over that kind of stuff
It was the day of the mission and you paced back and forth in your room. Loki still hadn't returned. Sometimes missions ran longer than expected, you knew that. But the rest of the team had returned hours ago. Normally, Loki would come straight to your room and take your face in his hands. Kisses reminding himself that you were safe, despite him being the one that had just risked his life. You would often have to drag him back out to the med area because he would ignore his wounds. Once he'd tried kissing you with a broken nose. He'd yelped in pain, but kept kissing you, until you realized and made him stop. You'd squeezed Loki's hand tight as Banner set his nose, and made Loki promise no kissing for three days until it healed. Loki lasted two.
Not today. At first you worried he had been hurt, but the team would have told you. The mission was not even very dangerous, that is why you had wanted to join. The report you had made Jarvis repeat back to you, 10 times already, clearly stated "mission successful, no major injuries reported".
You huffed, and threw yourself back on your bed. Replaying the last thing Loki said to you in your head again. "I better not. I need my bed so I can get some quality sleep before the mission. You know how it is"
What did he mean but that? You most certainly did not "know how it is". For one thing you'd never gone on a mission. Never needed extra sleep before heading out. And for another you slept best with Loki in your bed. His arms protectively wrapped around you, holding you to him. In fact the night before, after Loki had left, you had the worst night of sleep you'd had in years.
The only logic your brain could come up with was that Loki thought you were messing up his life. Clearly he thought you would have just messed up the mission. He'd told Fury as much. But now you were convinced he thought you were messing up his sleep. You weren't even good enough to share a bed with. And now you weren't even good enough to kiss, not worth a moment of his time.
And maybe in some masochistic way
I kinda find it all exciting
Like, which lover will I get today?
Will you walk me to the door or send me home cryin'?
Fuck it, you'd had enough of your own room and your own thoughts. If Loki was going to dump you. The least he could do was say it to your face. You weren't about to let him hide away and ignore you. And maybe if you heard all the things you had imagined him saying, actually come out of his mouth, it would break your heart enough for you to finally let him go. Pain had to be better than this hollow feeling in your chest. The one that felt distinctly like a Loki shaped hole in your heart.
You storm up to his room, hand raised to pound on the door. A moment of panic froze your hand in place. Before you could change your mind and flee, Loki opened the door.
"Y/N?"
Instead of hitting the door your fist collided with Loki's chest, and your thoughts just came pouring out, "Why didn't you come to my room? If you don't want me anymore you could have just told me! You didn't have to ignore me. I know you're the god of mischief, but this is cruelty. And not your usual special brand of cruelty. Shutting me out last night. Then today you just ignored me. I know you've been back from the mission for hours! Were you even planning on coming to tell me you wanted to break up? Or was your plan to just pretend I don't exist and hope I just move on. Because that's not how it works here on Earth. Here men at least bother telling you it's over. You can hate me and call me a bitch for what I've said. But please just say it to my face."
It's one step forward and three steps back
"Uh, what?"
"Shit Loki, forget it. I'll leave you alone. Clearly that's what you want."
I'm the love of your life until I make you mad
Loki grabs your arm and pulls you towards him. Pulling you into his room, he uses your bodies to shut the door. Pinning you against it, trapping you in place. "Y/N I don't know what has gotten into you. Will you please calm down for one moment?"
And I'd leave you, but the roller coaster is all I've ever had
You humph and look up at him. His face hovering above your own was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen. Cheekbones and jawline sharp enough to tear you to shreds. The impossible contrast of those sharp lines, framed by soft dark curls. And of course some of those sweet curls had fallen carelessly in front of his eyes. Those damn eyes, they were an enchanted forest reflected in a lake so bottomless you'd surely drown. Deepest greens, crashing through richest blue. And it made your heart ache all over again.
I don't understand
You can't stand the way he's looking at you. As you reach your hands up to tuck the curls out of his face, your hand continues, tangling your fingers in Loki's hair at the back of his head. Pulling his face down enough to crash your lips into his. He kisses back, there is nothing more in any world that he loves more than kissing you. When the first of your tear drops hit his face, he ignores it. Hoping, praying that he can kiss your tears away. But they don't stop, and your body begins to tremble.
Loki reaches up and pulls your hands from the back of his neck. Holding them to his chest instead, he pulls away.
No, I don't understand
He can't bear to look you in the eyes, so he looks just over your head as he speaks. "I think we should take a break. Thor invited me to return to Asgard for a while. I think it's best if I do."
You could say my brain is "a bit" Loki drunk, so every song I listen to makes me think of Loki in some kind of way. Since I do not have the time to write a full fic for every song, I thought I'd create this playlist. Here is a selection of songs I think Loki might listen to or could be about Loki. And a few sentences about the scenarios I dreamt up listening to them. Most of them are reader insert ideas, because they sparked from my own daydreams.
Note: These are not all the same Loki/au. Some songs could work together, but they are not meant to be a single story/relationship. I imagined these for Loki, but you could totally insert your favorite character instead.
Let me know if you like this because I 100% have more songs and more scenarios rumbling around in my head. If you have a specific song you want me to create a scenario for, leave it in the comments. And if you write a full fic based on any of these songs tag me; I'd love to read them.
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- YouTube Playlist -
"Line Without a Hook" by Ricky Montgomery
Loki is stressing out because he is in love with you and he doesn't know how to handle it. Usually Loki insecurities, ie. wondering about being good enough. Loki is worrying about a trip to the lake, where Loki's aloofness made you think he wasn't interested. Loki regrets not admitting his feelings right then and there.
Possibly (Avenger Loki X Avenger Y/N) or (Asgardian Prince Loki X Royal Y/N)
"To Build A Home (feat. Patrick Watson)" by The Cinematic Orchestra
Sad boi Loki. After the death of you, his mortal love, Loki looks back on the life you built together.
Any universe where Loki outlives his partner. Could be mortal or an Asgardian/ immortal Y/N who happened to die before Loki.
Also I just think this is a really pretty song.
"Icicles" by The Scary Jokes
Loki is stuck at some kind of party/event where he must suffer through the looks and whispers. Because even after all the good he's done, he is still feared and never to be trusted. But Loki chooses to bite his tongue and simply imagine what he'd like to do to those who judge him.
Most likely a Stark party with a classic Loki is sent to Earth to atone for his sins.
"Strangers" (feat. Lauren Jauregui) by Halsey
Loki is upset because you just told him "we're not lovers". Maybe Loki was too scared to tell you his feelings, so you left.
Or he just wants to keep your relationship private, and lies when asked about his feelings for you. So later you throw it back at him.
Or you've been dating but just had a fight and Loki's in the "dog house". Maybe one of his pranks went wrong?
Any Loki. My mind tends to jump to Avenger Loki. It could even be connected to the time loop scene in the Loki series for you Sifki fans.
"Make You Mine" by PUBLIC
Post break up Loki is pleading for you to come back so he can "make you mine" again.
I think it's that use of "Darlin" that really connects this song to Loki for me. I'm a sucker for any story where Loki calls his s/o darling.
"All I Want" by Kodaline
Another break up song. This would be more once Loki has realized you're not coming back. So Loki decides to move on, but not really because he wants someone "just like you". And is that really moving on?
The part that reminds me the most of Loki is: "Cause you brought out the best of me. A part of me I'd never seen. You took my soul wiped it clean. Our love was made for movie screens"
"Hi I Miss You" by Retrograded
After a period of "will they? won't they?", you and Loki kissed. But you have to leave town before you and Loki can discuss your feelings. While you're gone, Loki gets drunk and calls to tell you he misses you.
Definitely picturing Avenger Loki X Avenger Y/N, and you're on a mission and Loki has found Tony's liquor stash back at the tower.
"Heavenly Side" by ILLENIUM & Matt Maeson
Loki is telling you that he is self destructive and understands if you want to leave him. He's desperately trying to be a better person, so that you'll want him. But he knows it's going to take time to "kill" his old self, and bring out his "heavenly side". So he offers you the chance to leave now, even if it breaks his heart.
"Bad Idea!" By girl in red
Loki regretting a hook up. Maybe it was with the wrong person and they've caught feelings. Or maybe it was the right person but they wanted it to be more and regret it being only a random hook up and not more.
I imagine this with a female presenting Loki.
Honestly I could imagine a scenario of a female Loki x reader for most songs from girl in red. All of their songs are great storytelling.
Also here are a few extras that don't have album art because I reached the max number of images:
"Talk to Me" by Cavetown
The reader telling Loki is ok, you can talk to me.
"Daddy Issues" by The Neighborhood
Just the obvious. Doesn't even need a scenario.
Måneskin (just yes. the whole band, yes.)
"Guys My Age" by Hey Violet
I put this in the extras because I want to preface it by saying in stories with an age difference, the younger person needs to be of consenting age. I don't care if Loki is relatively young for an Asgardian, his partner needs to be over 19 in human years
This one is a little more, uh, spicy.
Loki comes over to comfort you after you break up with your boyfriend. Loki is surprised but not displeased when you throw yourself at him. Loki has been alive long enough, he has the experience to know how to treat a lover.
Friends-to-lovers Loki x reader.
This also works well for Steve or Bucky.
If you made it all the way through that, thank you and congrats. You got a bit of a dive into my taste in music and the kind of Loki daydreams that run through my mind all day. Do I need therapy for my Loki addiction? Probably. But honestly I've needed therapy long before I'd heard of Loki so it's nothing new.
Hope you enjoy. Please make sure to let me know if you want more songs for the playlist. Or if you have songs you'd add.
I enjoyed making my previous Loki's Playlist so much that I decided to make another one. This one is specifically songs that make me think of Loki falling in/ being in love with the reader.
A playlist to listen to while imagining someone telling you all the ways they love you. No plots, just love. Although I did try to put the songs in an order so it feels like they're falling more and more in love with you.
