Tonight at dinner with the ladies I learned so much. Like we really be living completely different lives. I learned a lot about absolutely nothing:
1. Somebody’s husband is clearly cheating. AGAIN. He’s been cheating since we were in college, and I don’t think it’ll ever stop to be honest. At some point coochie is coochie is coochie is coochie, and I think he’s DL because the behavior is giving exactly that. She told him her PH was off and he said he didn’t care. She said the room smelt like Red Lobster afterwards… 🤢 bitch stop. He does not care about you honey. Divorce immediately. No ma’am. Like what do you even do when a woman’s coochie stink?? I’d be turned tf off. Personally, I’ve never had a funky coochie in my face 😂 but I wouldn’t want it there after a whiff. And that’s the thing—he doesn’t even care, not one bit.
2. One of the ladies preps for nasty time with a knee brace. I laughed so hard she got up and went to the bathroom because I just couldn’t stop 🤣. Lingerie and a knee brace is wild. I get it though—mission must be accomplished. Still… once I hit 30, I’m just not doing what I was before at all. Shoulda caught me in my prime, babe, because there’s so many things to do with legs and feet to assist in the work without pulling out orthopedic gear. Her husband is a small man, so he’s definitely not tossing her thick ass around—she’s probably always in control. Honestly though, imagine pulling that out the bag with the garter belt 😭. Or telling bae “wait, let me strap in” before you climb on. Nahhh, the comedy writes itself.
3. The thing is, I don’t kink shame. I really don’t. But as a woman why would you ever find yourself going down, propping a man’s legs up, putting them over your shoulders, spreading his butt, and then putting your tongue in there? Bitch, you lost me. Bitch. Bitch. Be so fucking for real. Like no no no no no no no no no. Like bitch what’s wrong????!!!!! What’s going on, what’s the problem? What would even make you do that? It ain’t that much self-hate in the world. Idgaf - idgaf don’t ever let a man’s ass up in your mouth. Bitch. I can’t even type this without making the stink face 🤮.
4. Women my age are dating 50 and 60-year-olds. Eww. Balls been drooping since we hit 25, so what do they look like at 50+? Gray and sagging? No thanks. I don’t care what life insurance, pension, or benefits he got—I’m not a good liar and I’m not built to be phony. I’ll take a late 20s youngin before that any day. I can acknowledge, sometimes I do be looking like “oh he handsome” and I know he’s in his 50s somewhere… something about it. But I don’t wanna listen to Peabo Bryson and shit, and he don’t wanna hear Key Glock 😂. The only plus about an older man is he doesn’t want kids. And I think I’m cool too—I’m expensive. Can’t imagine having to buy pampers over the Coach mules I want. Not need. Want. And I want a bag to go with the shoes. The older man could probably make sure everything is taken care of tho. Ugh, so much to think about here. But until then? I’ll take the youngin with stamina every time.
5. Somebody is sad they’ve never had a hoe phase. Personally, I think the time has passed 😂. At this age, if you try to hoe, you’re just gonna get your feelings hurt. There’s a reason you never had one. When I was a young hoe, it’s because I had it in me at the time. Now I’m older and washed. If you’ve made it this far without it, you’re a wife, not a hoe. And truthfully, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be anyway. Sometimes I look back like, “Brittney tffffffffffff 😭.” Like what was the reason?? I was a hoe because I liked to fuck and gained validation in locking eyeballs back. I was young. I could not care less what you think about my pussy now. Head lazy—probably. I’ve been at work all damn day. I’m thinking about how I’m boutta pay bills and get some money by tomorrow. Therapy taught me that at my core I’m a true lover. I probably should have never been a whore, but it is what it is. Hoe phase expired, lover unlocked.
6. And listen—if he asks if you came? Say no. Say it FIRM. Say it with some bass in your voice and let him sit in that silence. Don’t say “no, but—” just say no. Be commanding. Have some authority when you say it. Let him sit there and think about it, let him marinade in the failure. Stop lying to these men. Just be like no. And first of all, if he’s asking? He already knows the answer. We’re too grown to be poorly managing our bodies like that. Your ego can recover, my orgasm cannot. No. Just no.
7. They all think I already met who I’m looking for. Truth is, I honestly thought I was gonna die early, so for the most part I did whatever the fuck I pleased. I had life to live honey. What a crazy decade 😅. Been there, done that, did it again and again and again. So no, I don’t think I met him back then. Perhaps in recent years… as I’ve started looking through people and not at them… maybe. Dating again while it was hot out was fun and needed in a few different ways. But let’s be real—I’m not going on any more dates, specifically dinner dates. Flat out. You should earn the privilege of me taking the time to do my makeup and get all dolled up. We go walk into a restaurant, me walking behind him like I’m his bitch—ew no. At this point, low key just pay me for my time, because me getting up doing my hair, makeup, putting on a lady-like outfit to leave my home for a $100 dinner just doesn’t seem worth it. Honestly, he’s gonna have to find me in my home—there’s nothing out there for me. If he’s mine, he’ll find me here.
Such an introspective evening. Learned so much. The knee brace though… I’m still weak. I just can’t wrap my mind around that one. 😂 Like how do you even dress that up and make it sexy?
Sitting there tonight, I couldn’t help but think—I’ve outgrown these women. We all went to college together, but nobody made it out with sense. I can’t be the only one trynna do right.
They think I’m playing about going off to start living my 5th life. They’ve been laughing at me. But I’m so serious— that’s one of the true beauties in life, knowing you can start over and build a new one whenever you damn well please.
