The more I feel like I'm going home, the more each meaning left in this city is becoming valuable. I was thinking about selling my piano so that I don't need to move it home. But it was my only friend bringing me the calmness in very deep inside my soul that no one or no force can even do it. I start thinking that I can't live without it, or the healing sound of playing my fingers with any song I want, so i think that I will still bring it back to my hometown. After all, the transportation cost is not so much costly for me. However I need to wait until that company sends out the offer letter to really start finding a way to settle my life in Hanoi, otherwise I'm still a person having nowhere to go and nothing to do but seeking for another employment and navigate.
Few people are asking me about where I'm going to stay when I come back to Hanoi. It is tempting to stay in our own house, but for a while I stopped having any desire to stay building something inside some specific walls, instead I can find myself comfortable with moving around and staying in different places, for me it is not making any difference to stay in any specific place because once i had that own house to decorate my way, and to be proud with other that this is my own house, I was not happy at all and I know having a house is nothing relevant to the happiness of anyone. Now I'm getting used to this freedom in choosing wherever I want to live, I start feeling more satisfied on that level of uncertainty. Now i don't know where I would be living in next 6 months or next year, but I know how to arrange the life regardless of where I am to make sure I'm in a good mental state.
This morning I stayed in bed and was suddenly thinking back to Dan. The fact that I'm leaving this city, leaving the atmosphere we used to breath every day is a little bit daunting. It was a nostalgic feeling thinking back to those good old long away days, knowing that we both are death, the person who was with me, and the image of myself being with that one. I was not feeling anything at that moment, but now journaling it out within the melody of Me to you you to me in piano, I suddenly feel a little tear is going to come out of my eyes. We both lost each other and I believe his life would also change as quick as the way mine change from the date we set each other apart.
I feel like I'm in a huge turmoil and everything in front of me is just uncertainty. i usually don't ask people how they are doing with their life, because I know they will all tell good things. But today because my friend was keep updating with my situation, i think he was a little bit caring more than he needs so I asked a very socialize question like how about you, any update kind of things. And the answer always brought me a mixed sense of both knowing our friends are doing better than us we should be happy for them, and the other dark thought of "they all have everything they want in life and I'm still struggling with finding a place, a job and the uncertainty of whether I can find my partner and have another kid". I used to think that it is impossible for me, but my therapist told me i need to be open up to that possibility so i put it as an uncertainty here. But deep inside my dark thought is still a sense of bitterness that knowing the happiness of other in relationship and connection, just trigger the part of me thinking that it is not the things for me. Maybe I should never ask my friends to update about their life, or maybe I really need to change my belief. How come it is getting so difficult to change that belief...
Anyway, I'm still having myself, at least I'm still healthy good looking people, and can do things for myself anyway I want. Maybe my freedom tastes better than any relationship I have ever been through and I should be thankful for having a peaceful freedom. The best thing I have is my autonomy of my time and my presence. Just trying to make the most out of it and dedicate to learn the skills I need for my journey. At least this universe still leaves at least one door open for me to come back home with my son and he would be happy about it. Today it is full of sunlight in the air, I hope one day i can see that sunlight inside my soul too.
