it’s been 6 years since I’ve heard your voice or have seen you in person.
we’ve been friends on facebook for a couple years now and my heart still flutters when I see your name.
i don’t know if you still think about me or us. but i’ve never truly stopped.
i have loved people since you.
but no one has ever compared to how you made me feel.
i didn’t care about my appearance with them. I didn’t get butterflies.
i didn’t ache for their presence like i did with you.
maybe it was because we were teenagers that lived far apart.
what’s weird is, i’m not in love with you-- not anymore.
i just miss that feeling. that was the first time i felt true love, or so i thought.
i don’t know if i can get that back again.
no one writes letters anymore. or surprises their person at their doorstep.
they don’t just sit and listen to an album and trace words into each other’s skin.
they don’t appreciate or even write poems about my freckles like you did.
I don’t know if you ever think about me, but you’ll be the one i tell my kids about.
i’m still naming my daughter Ivy. I don’t know why, but i’ve always loved that name, and you liked it too.
Although i don’t have the same feelings anymore, i still feel something for you?
I don’t know what it is. I guess I just never got real closure.
I watched you love two other people after me. both of them experienced what we should have had together.
this comes up in therapy often, when i talk about my relationships. i know its not fair, but she knows i want that love back that we supposedly had.
I feel like i’m in limbo...if that makes sense.
I don’t know why i feel this way, or why im writing this when it’s very possible you could someday read this.
you’d probably be horrified, or creeped out. I’m sorry if it does.
I dont think it would surprise you though- we’ve always been the type to write about our feelings.
“....and I’ve never been good at keeping anyone around but I’d like to keep you right where you are if you’ll let me, because the ghosts linger and I don’t always know how to carry the heaviness of a heart...”
I shouldn’t even feel this way. you cheated on me, and somehow i don’t feel angry?
why do I fucking dwell on the past?