Diary. Mentions of suicidal ideation and self harm.
I cried over something yesterday. Or i guess lots of somethings that built up into a big one
It was an ugly cry y'know? My face was red and there were tissues all around me.
My mum found me eventually and we talked for a little while. She helped me figure something out. I felt less gruesome for a bit.
I cried again after she left though. Ideation kinda snuck up on me. My brain fills with scary images when I'm thinking about it.
This time my sibling came in. They heard me through the door. I've cried a lot over these last few days, so they're worried about me. I tried to say I was fine, but I obviously wasn't.
So they asked if I was alright again with that "stop bullshitting" tone of voice. I told them I was. Gave them an explanation on the least like, full on thing that made me cry this time.
They listened, then asked if I wanted a hug. I didn't, so we settled on a fist bump. They told me they loved me and went back downstairs to give me some space.
Just them reaching out like they did made me feel less like... idk some worthless piece of shit.
I know there's at least one person irl who would be affected if I left. They'd be broken by it. Their big brother couldn't stay, even for them. Why were they not enough? What did they do wrong?
I've lost people to suicide. I know what went through my head. I know those questions will plague me forever.
I can't do that to my baby bro. My big brother didn't kill himself, but he did dissapear without a word. It fucked me up so bad.
I can't make this shitty life any shittier for them. I'm literally just enduring right now. I'm in so much pain and I have very few things left to wake up in the morning for. But I'll keep going for them. Even if it's just until they can escape. Once I know they're safe, it will be ok.
I woke up with still swollen eyes today. I feel guilty. Bad. Like a bad friend. A bad brother. A bad son. I feel grief. And that strange itching in my skin that only sh could scratch. Though I won't give in to it.
I want to curl up into a ball. Apologise for existing. And just disintegrate. Go away. I don't wanna fucking be here. But I have no choice, so I guess I'll brush my teeth and make coffee.
If you're reading this and I haven't texted you back yet, please bear with me. You're on my mind. I will reach out once I'm more awake🙂↕️
