#sorry lads.

[cypresssalmon]

that lamp that i hate

[eclipsecrowned]

.

[collabwithmyself]

dance dance

[tim-motherfucking-shepard]

Come get this hickory-dickory-cock

[fightthesun]

truly wish I could appreciate irving fics but I am simply too traumatised to approach most of them

[cheaperbythedozendogs]

even though i know it makes me a piece of shit, whenever i hear someone use the phrase "cruelty free lifestyle" i have this strong urge to ask them where their iphone came from

[cheaperbythedozendogs]

so i’m staying at my parents’ place for the foreseeable future

lots of build up to this but basically i just had a minor breakdown and sister and cousin reacted in exactly the wrong way. i’ve been like... dealing with some bad mental feelings coming back and not eating well, not sleeping well, hormonal, keep forgetting i’ve needed more iron tablets for about a month... so whether this is actually the case or i’m just overreacting, i couldn’t say, but as housemates they’ve seemed particularly awful lately.

just fucked up shit like the return of an ex, overheard sex (is anyone else reading this as a rap rn), and someone not rinsing dishes before putting them in the dishwasher (serious thing with me - if you can’t rinse your fucking dishes, step away from the dishwasher and i’ll just fuckin do it for you, you goddamn fuckup), which only gets turned on every 3 days, and they closed it, resulting in a sincerely disturbing mould situation. combined with annoying, bitchy attitudes and passive aggressiveness (i honestly cannot stand any of us - we’ve all turned into real shitty bitchy people), a weird foggy weekend fucking up the drying laundry bc of the humidity in our house (no one’s fault, just very frustrating), and just general tense feelings, and me being without warning left to my own devices while the couples hang out in their rooms.

anyway, i was upset and sister asked what was wrong and i said i wanted to move out. and she got pissed. incredibly, i had a conversation something like: “it’s too tense and uncomfortable” “no it’s not. we all get along great” “well i feel uncomfortable. i feel like a problem” “you’ve been so cold and mean lately. you’re always saying mean things to us”. and i just... i keep crying over that. i mean, firstly make up your fucking mind - are we all best friends or am i awful? but mainly it’s just that i try so hard to be nice? i can’t stand cruelty. i never say or do anything unless i’m really really upset, and i always regret it immediately. i impulse buy presents, and pay for drive-thru and netflix, give lifts even when they cut into my sleep, go grocery shopping for toilet paper alone though it makes me anxious, clean up after other people without being a martyr about it (unlike a certain sister), and keep it to myself when i’m sad. i have no idea what they’re referring to and it’s just sticking in my mind. i... don’t think of myself as particularly nice by default, but i genuinely try? i work to keep it chill and make people happy. why do i get this incredible backlash for having a bad week? do they think i’m enjoying myself?

mostly they’ve been ignoring me, except today while i was at work they decided it was a good time for a “talk” via messenger, and cousin got pissy when i tried to cut it short. i said i couldn’t have this talk at work bc i would cry, though i was already crying and trying not to alert the coworker on the other side of the dividing wall to this. it seems a shitty thing to me to guilt someone into conceding an argument over your tears, and i just wanted to give a decent reason so they would stop messaging for a while and let me get on with my work. but naturally my cousin has no such compunctions and said that i made her cry “so gold star” for me. i am... still not sure why she was crying since she claimed she didn’t know what my problem was and all i’d said that was even vaguely accusatory was that i was uncomfortable and not sleeping well. i felt like i was actually maybe delusional the whole conversation, they were reacting so extremely. i told them i just wanted to leave and they could think of me as just fuckin crazy if they wanted, i didn’t mind. i actually said very little, being at work and all. i don’t really have the words for it anyway tbh. a fair bit of it stems from being ace in an allo house, but i literally don’t know how to communicate this - i have no familiarity with the experience outside this, nothing i’ve ever seen anyone else deal with or come across in media. no point of reference. it’s a bit like... i feel like they think i’m less of a person, or that my asexuality is an inconvenience they work around when they feel charitable, or that my soul has a black hole where that bit of me should be, or i’m immature, or i can just be ignored because ace means no attitudes or anything as far as anything sexual is concerned, like that topic just didn’t get programmed into me so they don’t need to consider me at all bc how could my opinion matter if i just don’t get it?? 

so that’s a tiny bit of the story. i went and grabbed a couple weeks worth of clothes and came back here. mum went grocery shopping and got treats for freddie and macarons for me. best mum ever. neurotic and annoying as hell, but very comforting and giving.