I'm scrolling on Tik Tok and I land on a clip from Girl Interrupted. It's not triggering or anything so I search "girl interrupted" and just scroll through there. Even a clip of Daisy's suicide didn't bother me.
What got to me was a clip of Lisa in the beginning being dragged out of a room about to be restrained and IM'd. That just brought me right back to the unit. How traumatizing it was, hearing restraints, seeing my close friends in the chair. Lisa in the clip begging "no" echoing what I heard on the unit.
So I went in my kitchen and sat down on the table. There's no chairs and it's not even used as a table it's just against the wall. This table has become a new place for me when things get too much. As I'm typing these words I'm realizing that this table is the corner at the end of the unit, in between a shower room and the QR. I'd sit in that corner because not a lot of people walked down that hall. That corner was my place to go on the unit when things got too much and now this table in my kitchen has become my place. Sad.
Back to the last hour. So I sit on the table and I start recording a video just to get the thoughts out of my head. I don't know why I didn't just type out a note, I guess it's easier to just talk. It was a short video just explaining what had happened (second paragraph up top). And then I was hit with this realization. You see I am my worst critic, I invalidate myself, I worry how things will look if x, y, and z happens. I tell myself you're just playing out these "would be" conversations because you want them to happen. You keep thinking you're going to end up back in the hospital because you want to go back...
I owe a lot more of an update than just the past hour but for the past 3 weeks yes it's been a worry. I've said "I'm surprised I'm not back yet" and "it's probably going to happen soon". But the past few days it's becoming more of a legit fear and I really want to have the conversation with my therapist tomorrow about it. She's a new therapist and I've said those two things above but like it's not actually talked about like reasons to go back, how I would feel, etc.. and for the first time I'm actually going into therapy knowing how I want the session to go.
And my point of this whole post is that I'm finally validating myself that no I do not want to go back to the hospital. My inner critic tells me all the time that I just miss the safety there and being cared for, that I want to go back and I don't need to go back. But after tonight why on earth would I want to go back to a place that has given me so many traumatic memories? Sure there was "safety" although in my case there was only so much they could do to keep me safe and I still found ways around it. Sure it was a "comfort" at times. The staff would listen and I could tell they cared.
But none of that outweighed how much the acuity of the unit affected me. For months all I wanted was to leave, was actually playing a role in my discharge and actively trying to make it happen. All I wanted was to leave, even the day I left when I was filled with so much anxiety and fear, I still wanted to leave. So why on earth would I want to return to that?
go out for a drive whenever I want
spending time in the bathroom with privacy
walking around my apartment in shorts and a tank top
being able to take my time doing my nails
being able to use my laptop and phone while they're charging
sleeping in total darkness
It's a sad, short list that mostly involves being at home.. *spoiler alert* I'm not in PHP anymore and don't have a job nor do I have a social life. But we'll save all that for an actual update at some point? It's funny all I have is downtime, you'd think I'd be on here live blogging my pathetic excuse of a life.
But for real.. I've grown used to my comforts here and I know for a fact I'm not going back inpatient unless it's needed for my safety.
I guess this post was basically just me proving a point to myself.
