being in a system with so many people and so many switches and things being blurry so often is so fucking confusing and distressing so many times I'm tired it's awful I wanna fucking cry/hella srs neg
there's many times that I don't know who I am, persecutors or background voices making me doubt on so many things or amplifying my insecurities, echoing even the smallest of my thoughts to such an extent it's overwhelming. my guys (the ones who can create people) accidently (or sometimes not) creating or splitting people with the trigger of a simple thought in a millisecond, because someone thought of something. me not being able to watch shit or no show because one of my guys WILL introject someone from that multiverse, even on accident simply by thinking/saying/feeling "oh that person's cool!!". me hating and being disturbed by absolutely almost (probably all) every single one Undertale variant introjected/linked/spawned here. my guys accidently introjecting TWICE people that have wanted me dead and came close to killing me (and even if the tensions eased after a LOT of my guys came to front to have a deep talk with both of us the initial stress and straight up panic attacks were NOT worth it).
I've heard of people say they introject their loved ones from their sources/aus, and that it's good for their healing process from potential exo/origin memories. but no one freaking talks about your guys accidently introjecting your enemies from the simple hint of a thought of finding a situation interesting. ESPECIALLY BAD SITUATIONS. BECAUSE THESE MORONS SOMEHOW FIND ENTERTAINMENT IN BAD SITUATIONS??? yes I know they've told me most of the time the 'interest" they have in universes is from the will to help people, I've seen them try to be heroes and put themselves (or others/s srs neg) at risk from it, but this is STILL BAD FOR ME!!
I don't even know who the f-k I am, apparently I was connected to the body longer than I remember??? I have so many memories that haven't been registered as mine (because we have SUCH A WIDE MEMORY SHARING sometimes I don't eVEN KNOW WHICH MEMORIES ARE MINE) because I wasn't entirely sure who I was in the context of this multiverse and having to mask in front of other people and often obviously cofronting with my guys (so maybe my sense of identity was blended because of that?? I don't freaking know, interacting with this universe was weird back then/srs not specific neg- I don't freaking know anymore)
/srs neg fucking distressed
not even mentioning me having a huge period of indentity crisis and being scared I wasn't actually THE canon version of me in this anchor au cuz ahahaha of course I know I'm an anomaly but me being even WRONG in the context of BEING WRONG?! FUCK ME RIGHT?? THANK GOD IM ACTUALLY SOMEHOW ACCURATE TO WHAT CQ SHOWED OF ME, EVEN THOUGHT EVERY CREATOR IN THIS GODDAMN UNIVERSE PORTRAYS ME WRONG. AND LET'S NOT EVEN START WITH THE CLASSIC TIMELINE-
so after being scared of being mistaken of what the actual canon is, both for ME, AND the classic timeline (because the amount of VARIATIONS I've seen people make ON ACCIDENT is DISGUSTING)-
...I don't even know where I was going with this. I freaking blacked out. I give up. I'm posting this./srs gen neg