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GOD IM SPIRILING

So MANY THINGS TO DO YET I DO NOTHING BUT SIT HERE AND TYPE , TRYING TO FIND SUBSTANCE TO THIS LIFE I FIND SO HEAVY TO CARY. MY MIND IS STUCK , MY HEART IS GETTING COLD, MY LIFE FEELS LIKE ITS MISSING SOMETHING. IM SO TIRED YET ALL I DO I SLEEP, IM SICK AND I KNOW IT , BUT I REFUSE TO AIDE IT , IM SLOWLY DYING YET IM SCARED TAKING THE MEDICATION TO AIDE WILL SOME HOW KILL ME FASTER. I'M OVERWHELMED , AND TODAY I DON'T WANT TO BE A MOM. I WANT TO BE 15 YEARS OLD JUST FOR A DAY. TO SIT IN MY ROOM, READ A BOOK , NO WORRIES, NO BILLS, NO MOUTHS TO FEED. IT'S SO HEAVY AND YET I WANT ALL THESE THINGS BUT I FEEL GUILTY. GUILTY THAT I CANT BE ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE. THAT I'M SO BAD I DOING THIS MOM THING. GUILTY THAT I HAVEN'T COOKED , OR CLEANED IN MONTHS. I'm sorry God , I failed you . I'm not doing this job right. I'm not living how I should. I'm stuck and though maybe I know how to get out of it I don't. I don't know how to get out of it. I don't allow myself to make friends because I fear to fail them too and or even worse for them to fail me. I can't get why I am like this. It feels so fake. Like I feel like an imposter. Everyone thinks im this great mom but im really just surviving going with the days with no direct goal but to survive. I want to thrive GOD. I want to soar, sometimes I wonder …. Where would I have been if I hadn't made certain decisions in life. Where would I be if I had just walked away from all this. Would life be better ? would the grass be greener… And yet I feel terrible for thinking these things. To think of myself , maybe that's my problem , maybe all i do is think about myself. Not realizing that I'm ruining those around me. I need to held right now God. Sometimes I feel like this world would be a better place without me, but my babies God they need me but do they ? Yeah they do… I'm their everything, I'm their source and they think I'm perfect even though I'm far from it, I just want them to look at me and be someone they are proud of. Someone that when they're old they can call and know I'm going to be there for them. Thats why i stay , thats why i fight, so maybe i am not selfish. Maybe … Maybe…