The things I can't say out loud

rough drafts and ideas

[thethingsicantsayoutloudd]

july 28th 2026

i may be pregnant. my period is 6 days late... 6. I remember it. I remember when I got pregnant. I cried . I walked to the bathroom and cried. I felt defeated. over and over again I told him I didn't want to have another baby.... but in the heat of the moment.... it happened so fast. no time to think... no time to pull away... Honestly I know it sounds crazy but I hope it's something else heck of anything else. Even premenopause if it has to be. How do I rewire my brain this time.... How do I accept this. I took 5 tests and they were all negative but it's too early. I know it's too early , I've been here before. my hcg doesn't present itself until like month 2. I'm just praying its something else. anything else.... heck I may not even be pregnant.

[thethingsicantsayoutloudd]

I wasn't here today.

at least my mind wasn't ... blanks spots all over the day. I'm sitting here in front of the computer asking myself "where did this day freaking go?" I don't know , like I really don't know, was I present ? did they need me? was I there for them? i know I made dinner and it was nuggets for the kids salmon for my husband and I. They won't eat salmon or veggie, but they are on a smoothie kick and I will take that ! but I feel like I sat a this chair all day and have nothing to make for it. No energy too have conversation with anyone because conversations have lost its depth. But then I don't want to go into depth even if I found someone to find that conversation with... It would require emotion, something I no longer have to share , so I think.... Its just that it gets heavy. It gets heavy and it becomes too much. Like right now I'm listening to a lecture and instead I'm writing this. I should be paying attention but I've lost interest and I will not allow myself to give this up! I must see this through! I've been discouraged but rather then going back and fixing it because IT CAN BE FIXED I am here just think thinking about doing having no idea what it is a I have to do yet I know that I have to do it . But I wasn't here today, no today I was lost in scroll world. Not present or was I ? cause HONESTLY I don't remember.

[paper-wounds]

via

[nuttybarzz]

Let me know all of you

[thethingsicantsayoutloudd]

GOD IM SPIRILING

So MANY THINGS TO DO YET I DO NOTHING BUT SIT HERE AND TYPE , TRYING TO FIND SUBSTANCE TO THIS LIFE I FIND SO HEAVY TO CARY. MY MIND IS STUCK , MY HEART IS GETTING COLD, MY LIFE FEELS LIKE ITS MISSING SOMETHING. IM SO TIRED YET ALL I DO I SLEEP, IM SICK AND I KNOW IT , BUT I REFUSE TO AIDE IT , IM SLOWLY DYING YET IM SCARED TAKING THE MEDICATION TO AIDE WILL SOME HOW KILL ME FASTER. I'M OVERWHELMED , AND TODAY I DON'T WANT TO BE A MOM. I WANT TO BE 15 YEARS OLD JUST FOR A DAY. TO SIT IN MY ROOM, READ A BOOK , NO WORRIES, NO BILLS, NO MOUTHS TO FEED. IT'S SO HEAVY AND YET I WANT ALL THESE THINGS BUT I FEEL GUILTY. GUILTY THAT I CANT BE ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE. THAT I'M SO BAD I DOING THIS MOM THING. GUILTY THAT I HAVEN'T COOKED , OR CLEANED IN MONTHS. I'm sorry God , I failed you . I'm not doing this job right. I'm not living how I should. I'm stuck and though maybe I know how to get out of it I don't. I don't know how to get out of it. I don't allow myself to make friends because I fear to fail them too and or even worse for them to fail me. I can't get why I am like this. It feels so fake. Like I feel like an imposter. Everyone thinks im this great mom but im really just surviving going with the days with no direct goal but to survive. I want to thrive GOD. I want to soar, sometimes I wonder …. Where would I have been if I hadn't made certain decisions in life. Where would I be if I had just walked away from all this. Would life be better ? would the grass be greener… And yet I feel terrible for thinking these things. To think of myself , maybe that's my problem , maybe all i do is think about myself. Not realizing that I'm ruining those around me. I need to held right now God. Sometimes I feel like this world would be a better place without me, but my babies God they need me but do they ? Yeah they do… I'm their everything, I'm their source and they think I'm perfect even though I'm far from it, I just want them to look at me and be someone they are proud of. Someone that when they're old they can call and know I'm going to be there for them. Thats why i stay , thats why i fight, so maybe i am not selfish. Maybe … Maybe…