Long rambling post ahead. (I've got a beer in me so bear with me here) Last Monday, our teacher passed around a bowl of little quartz pieces, inviting us to choose one for ourselves. She explained that the purpose of yoga is to see things the way they are, not the way we think they are. It's like looking through different quartz crystals. People who look through a smoky quartz, see the world as an awful place. They're quick to judge and struggle to see the beauty in life. Some people see the world through a rose quartz. They often see the bright side of things, but suffer from dashed hopes easily. Life can be especially cruel to them. Our goal is to see things through a clear quartz. Without any internal judgment or filters. She gave us the crystal to remind us to look at things and simply see them without passing judgement. Keeping my crystal in mind, I took a look at my yoga practice lately. What I saw was a complete halting. Yes I've stretched here and there, but I honestly haven't had a personal practice since I started Teacher Training. It's strange actually. When I started this training I expected my practice to grow and become stronger. The more I thought I would learn, the more I thought I would practice. The thing is: the more I go to class, the more I realize I don't actually know a thing about real yoga. Don't get me wrong, I know plenty of poses and how to safely perform them. It's just that asana is only scratching the surface of yoga. It all goes so much deeper than "the right way to Downward Facing Dog". So now I'm stuck in this awkward place where I'm just bumping around, mimicking a practice without an actual clue. So this is where I am with Splits and Open Hips. In the beginning of the challenge I was completely confident. I knew every pose, proper allignment, modifications, and exactly what to say. I entered teacher training ready to tackle the world and become the brightest yoga student there ever was. Fast forward to now, and I'm terrified to instruct even a half sun salutation. It's like the more we learn, the less confident I am in my own ability to teach. Shoot I haven't even gone to my regular Hot Yoga class since the beginning of February. I emailed them the other day to cancel my membership even, since I don't see myself going back any time soon. So this is my long winded apology for falling apart during the last month of Splits and Open Hips. I haven't forgotten about you and I'm so proud of everyone who was able to participate. This month I'm starting from the very beginning again. I have one goal and that's to simply get on my mat every day. Even if it's just to breathe for a few minutes.
