#spring semester 2016

[katharsis-ravyn]

Me At The Jane Hotel AKA In My Element 

[katharsis-ravyn]

Me Sometime Amidst Spring Semester 2016

[katharsis-ravyn]

From May 7th:

I literally have old journal entries I have yet to post, so:

Thought 1:

This’ll sound weird, but I honestly wish it were socially acceptable to ask people you know if they’re mentally ill, because I see people who are thriving and I’m like “how do they have the energy to do all these things- I can barely do all my homework and keep things relatively clean, and there they are mountain-climbing and writing plays and doing burlesque and cooking intricate meals and having ostensibly healthy relationships and I’m just like “???? HOW ????? Am I REALLY THAT LAZY and everyone else is just better at motivating themselves???”

Thought 2:

I feel like I want to kick myself in the teeth, but thankfully I’m not that flexible

[stdywnnbblg]

I bought the academic passion planner. I’m ending the spring semester with two Bs and one F. Disappointed, but from here on out I’m going to be a dedicated student and will better prepare myself to push through difficult periods of work, stress, school, debt, and depression. 

I need growth in my life. 

[katharsis-ravyn]

Inner Monologue: I DON'T WANNA LEAVE NYC!!! I DON'T WANNA GO BACK TO MINNESOTA!!! I WANNA STAY HERE FOREVER!!! I'M GONNA MISS BEING HERE SO MUCH!!!

Logical Brain: Okay but it'd be so much more productive if you stopped whining about how much you're gonna miss it and just relax and enjoy the NYC for last few days you're here.

Inner Monologue: BUT I MISS IT ALREADY!!! 😭😭😭

[brokenponderings]

15:44

Wow, I have not written in 8 months!

Maybe will write some reflections soon.  8 months -- long story short, I survived through senior year, with a lot more joy and strength than I deserved. God is good.

[edgingmyworth]

I am officially done with classes for the semester. Now I just have final exams.

[katharsis-ravyn]

I got really sad out of nowhere because I don’t feel like I can really enjoy Fun Home because it’s so hard for me to listen to and was so deeply difficult to watch and like I KNOW there are fun parts and happy parts and all but I see pictures of people grinning all ostensibly care-free after seeing Fun Home as if they just saw Hairspray or something light and fluffy like that and I’m just like ???? HOW ???? I know my circumstances are specific but I feel bad that I love it and know it’s important but I can’t bring myself to like it or enjoy it or spend much time really thinking about it because it hurts me so much- It fucked me up- I spent days after seeing it being unable to sleep and wandering aimlessly to stonewall because that only felt right, and the aftermath wasn’t cathartic and the ending didn’t give me any resolution even though I know it’s meant to, because I’m not rid of it, I’m not, and it doesn’t help to pretend. And the fact it’s still such an un-sturdy thing I’m still still still dealing with makes me feel like indulging in Fun Home or anything that makes me think at length about it isn’t worth the danger it puts me in. It’s dangerous, but I also will argue that it’s the most important thing currently on broadway and I feel like I’m missing something by being too mentally ill and too unresolved to celebrate this beautiful IMPORTANT show as I ought to as a theatre person, instead I’m a mentally ill person teetering on a very wobbly ledge as I inch slowly towards a place of recovery and healing, and if I try to carry what Fun Home is, when I can hardly carry myself even with the shows that give me wings, I know it’ll make me fall. The world is full of things that are falling. I haven’t even worn my t-shirt once since the week after I saw the show...

Also this week the Button Michael Cerveris gave me, not only broke, but punctured my leather jacket and stabbed me in the ass on my way to school so if I didn’t feel bad enough that it hurts to partake in Fun Home merriment, that had to happen so it literally pained me too