κάθαρσις

✨KRT✨

[katharsis-ravyn]

Some Things I Learned From Working On AVPW:

I’m a really fucking good Dramaturg! 

I’m smart, and capable, and have “a breadth of knowledge” and good ideas and contribute good things!

My radical empathy and Mom Friend™ Tendencies helps people trust me and hence listen to what I have to say!

I like doing Dramaturgy and I will continue to pursue it!

BEING A MENTAL HEALTH ADVOCATE MEANS SO FUCKING MUCH TO ME AND I REALLY WANT TO CONTINUE DOING WORK THAT DEALS WITH MENTAL ILLNESS (and suicide awareness) EVEN THOUGH IT’S REALLY FUCKING DIFFICULT FOR ME AT TIMES IT’S ALSO SO!!! FUCKING!!! IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!

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(This is nothing new but I am SO IN LOVE with Justin Vivian Bond’s voice and this just furthered that fact 💕💕💕)

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Me: *looking back at my own old poetry* OHH GOOD ONE!!!

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Look, I know, but I gotta wait until after Graduation,  but I know, chill.

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I hate working on my computer because it leads me to tumblr which I’ve realized is bad for me but one of these days I’d like to do some journaling, whether on here or not, but I’m just gonna mention a couple of things:

I had a dream that I was watching a tutorial for knitting or pottery or a recipe or makeup or something with my friend Zoe (and we were at Bethesda, for some reason, by the Perestroika bridge) and the soundtrack of the video was arbitrarily Justin Vivian Bond singing ‘Clean White Bed’ and I got emo and Zoe was like “wow I didn’t think you’d get verklempt over crafting videos” and that was legit the dream.

Rodolfo told me today that I think/write like a director, also like a Dramaturg (as I ought to), but he said predominantly I seem like a director and I was like ✨😮✨ because he said he meant that in a good way meaning that I’m smart, but also I felt SO uncomfortable in my directing class that I figured I’d be a terrible director but he think’s I’d be a natural so that’s interesting and surprising!

I got really excited about the prospect of Ukulele Benefit Concerts (AKA busking) once I acquire one and learn how to play it, so I can earn money for the Sebastian Memorial Fund for HMI because even if I can’t get any money I’ll be doing what he did and maybe making someone’s day better and I think putting music out into the world will be a good thing no matter what (even if I suck which is a totally plausible thing since when it comes to music I’m not knowledgable and any talent I have is solely because I’m me and I deserve to sing not because I’m a Musician™

Side note, going off that, I need to find a Musician™ who can transcribe what I know of Sebastian’s song ‘Ophelia’ into Theory so I can put it in this project: 🌼💕👻💕🌼 and I was thinking last night that it’d be so cool if I could complete the project in time to show Kate Bornstein but I think they’d be more proud of me for taking my time to do my best for Sebastian than rushing something out in time for them to see it but with them being like “I’m old and I’m gonna die sometime in the near future” I get anxious as fuck because I love them and they deserve to exist forever because they’re an angel (and angels have no gender).

I’m an angel too.

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Okay so I’m trying to avoid tumblr because it isn’t good for me, but I’m too lazy to fuss with posting this in another way but I need to post about it BECAUSE this is the first time I’ve ever seen a character description calling for a AFAB trans/nonbinary person that isn’t solely for a binary trans man AND SO I WAS LIKE !!!!!!! because I could play this part, except IDK yet if I could because I don’t know how young of 17 this character is supposed to pull off and I don’t know what this play will entail for this character yet but I’m about to find out!!!

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I don't think I've drawn Sophie Browne since Sebastian died but he was Sophie Browne Isn't Dead's biggest fan, and the other day when I came home from honoring Sebastian at a Day of the Dead celebration, I was greeted by a friendly skeleton decoration my roommates had put up.

Upon seeing the spooky friend, I immediately thought of Aaron Kelly (a character from a Irish/African American folktale about a dancing skeleton) and I was like "Oh imagine if in the world of SBID he were a famous dancer/choreographer on Broadway like Savion Glover or Bob Fosse or something! And Sophie Browne would obviously be his biggest fan, and would stage-door his shows!"

As with most thoughts like that I figured I may as well brush it aside for a later date when I actually have free time to spend drawing, but then it hit me how much I think Sebastian would've appreciated that, and so since I found myself equipped with markers and paper (which I needed to execute the completion of my Halloween costume for tomorrow) and since it IS Halloween tomorrow, I figured there was no better time than the present to draw this!

I hope Sebastian likes it! 💜💜💜❤️❤️❤️💜💜💜

"If the dead are watching, I want them to see us writing, dancing, singing, painting. I want them to see that we still reach out to each other." - Richard Siken

P.S. Aaron Kelly's shirt says, "Only one man should ever tell a woman what to do with her body, and that man is Bob Fosse." and I don't know where that quote originated, but I appreciate it!

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I’m really proud of the Hedwig costume I’m currently making, and I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch, but I think I’m doing a really good job, and I refuse to let the fact that people I know are capable of making stage-accurate Hedwig costumes in one sitting diminish the pride I feel with myself, because I can’t do that, and that’s okay, but I can make the best rough facsimile of the Broadway design I can make and that’s precisely what I’m doing!!! 

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When you doodle and affirmation on the back of your notes instead of writing the paper you’re supposed to be writing! 

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I’m not a bad person but when people who have been cruel to me paint me like the terrible one, I adopt the Hedwig-esque Queen Bitch mentality, like “fine, you think I’m an evil selfish bitch- I’ll take it, and I’ll relish in it.” but then again that can lead to actual bad actions, like the saying “you are what you pretend to be” and Hedwig certainly does some dreadful things particularly after she’s been treated as monstrous, and I wanna be Hedwig but not in that way, but one oughtn’t have remorse for doing the things one needs to do in order to stay alive. I’m as selfish as I need to be in order to survive and that isn’t sinful.

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It’s been said before yet I say again: treating someone as more than human is just as dehumanizing as treating someone like they’re less than human

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I really really want to do what Kate Bornstein does as a person- they are like the human embodiment of the song Wicked Little Town and I want to be that too and be a person in this world who communicates to others: “your struggle and suffering are real and valid but I love you and you can survive this because I can survive this and I’ll do anything I can to help you keep living even though I doubt I can’t be the be-all-end-all cure but I support you and will be there for you in any way possible because you are so important and you deserve love and respect!”

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Out of nowhere I thought of the Trask interview about WLT and thought of the Hamilton lyric “I wrote my way out of hell” AND THEN I GOT REALLY FUCKING EMO BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT SHE WAS TRYING TO DO!!! AAAAAAAAA!!! 

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whoever made the choice to get rid of the ingredients for the sugar daddy shakes at Ben and Jerry’s made a poor decision because I wanna bribe myself with one of those but alas they are no more

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Whenever I think about graduation as compared to other people it feels like a small achievement since most people I know either have gotten degrees or will get them, but then when I think about it in terms of me personally it feels really huge because there were a lot of times in my college career I didn’t even think I’d survive the semester or pass my classes or whatever so for me to graduate with a degree in Theatre and Gender and Sexuality Studies feels so huge since it took so much to get to this point, but I still have lots to do in order to graduate and midterms are intimidating and impending and I’m stalling and oughtn’t be, but it’s the Dean’s List ceremony tomorrow and it’s starting to sink in that I’m a senior and thus if I can continue to survive and thrive in this semester and next I’ll have achieved something that seemed incredibly out of reach for a lot of my college career! 

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Look I don’t like doing homework on my own computer because it makes it so much easier to get distracted since there’s all the internet at my disposal whereas when I go to the library it’s under my Marymount account so I can’t log into my social media accounts without Marymount seeing all my stuff (which I only care about because I gotta be safe/careful with scholarships/grants) and so I just do my work, and when I print out what I need to read I can read it wherever without being too distracted, but here it’s all too easy to find myself doing stuff that isn’t homework.

Like for the last hour I’ve been marathoning Kate Bornstein interviews which are all wonderful but of course then I’m crying and wanting to read their books and reach out to them instead of doing my homework BUT HERE’S THE THING I wanna get my degree and my education so I can be a theatre person who puts the truth of my queer reality and my loved ones’ queer realities out there so others who are struggling can know that they’re not alone, and I want to help support and encourage and be nurturing to the Queer kids who need someone to be there for them- I want to help them stay alive and be their auntie KRT or whatever and in order for HMI to take me seriously I need to get my degree and in order to have some semblance of basis to build onto in order to create something marvelous- I need to learn this stuff I’m supposed to learn so that maybe also someday I can teach the youth too and then they can do cool stuff with all this stuff I’m supposed to be studying right now!!! 

Also I’m still trying to decide if it would be utterly ridiculous to invite Kate Bornstein to my graduation, but even if it is Ridiculous I have a feeling that Kate might think it’s weird and ridiculous in a good way so that even if they can’t make it maybe they’ll still think it’s cool that I’ll be graduating! 

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OOPS heck Kate Bornstein goes by They/Them/Theirs pronouns now which means I’ve been accidentally misgendering them since last I had heard they went by ze/hir, but I think They/Them is the most recent!!!