Selections from issue 69 of Picasso Gaglione's Stampzine. I'm honored to be "in" it as he's ceasing production (postage costs) of the assembling zine. Stampzine was what inspired me to start my own rubber stamp assembling zine The Rubber Postcard.
Valentine’s Day strikes fear into the hearts of men. Men, especially straight ones, feel compelled to shop for everything required to be the “perfect boyfriend,” and the stress reaches excruciating levels. The pressure comes from the people all around them: partners, the media, their friends, even their parents interactions. It starts early, sometimes as early as preschool with “do you like me, yes or no” letters. Abundant information ranging from memes, to clickbait, to academic journals detail how men spend exorbitant amounts of money on Valentine’s Day, significantly more so than women. Still more pieces instruct us on how to stop linking the celebration of a holiday to our class status. Society, using its megaphone named media, tell women that if they do not receive a stuffed animal, chocolate, flowers, jewelry, a dinner date, romantic sex, or some other token of affection tonight, that their significant other does not care about them. More money gets spent on this holiday to try and quantify emotion and affection, leading to nothing but discontent. If they are not already wealthy enough to afford gifts or take time off work, men can eventually reach a breaking point, viewing Valentine’s Day with apathy at best and dread at worst. Couples who encounter this issue have found ways to drop the baggage associated with the holiday, make their own traditions, use the night as an excuse to just spend a little extra time together, or do something new and exciting. Breaking the mold of the stereotypical Valentine’s Day, or finding a way to subvert those traditions, liberates straight and queer couples alike.
Men are bombarded from childhood with messages detailing and emphasizing what it really means to be a man, and these messages reach their most insidious depths around Valentine’s Day. It leaves a need for “providers” to fulfill a ritualistic dance; if there’s no dinner or gift or sex then you have failed. After constant consumption and exposure these messages get internalized without our consent. Even with a woman who believes she does not care about the holiday, the compulsion remains. Johnny, a 62 year old, happily married man, finds he puts more pressure on himself than any outside force. He lives with his wife of two years and her daughter. “Certain things have to be done or it won’t be complete,” the gift being the most important of those things, he said. He says that commercialism doesn’t seem as bad or as intense as when he was younger, but that the expectations placed on him feel exactly the same as they did in the 1970s. Even though his wife is indifferent to the holiday, Johnny still feels a sense of relief after handing that gift over and completing the ritual.
These feelings peak during adolescence. As a teenager, Thomas was constantly questioned by friends and teacher about his Valentine’s plans. There was always the assumption that he should be doing something with a girl somewhere, and something was wrong if he wasn’t. This was at an all Catholic boys school, and his ideas changed with his environment after college. He was exposed to more viewpoints and styles of relationships, and realized that there was no “right” way to be a man or boyfriend, except to treat his partner with respect and kindness. This became especially apparent after an ex used Valentine’s Day as a reason to “throw a tantrum [if] things weren’t exquisite.” Now, he and his wife look at the holiday as an excuse to do something fun. They’ll “probably bake something heart shaped” since they don’t want to brave the storm that is evening traffic for a dinner date on Valentine’s Day.
Brandon, 28 and a doorman at a popular bar, had similar experiences with the disappointments of his girlfriends if he didn’t get or do anything for them. He has also found a way to make Valentine’s his own. He feels like overall, the message a man should be sending to a woman is “if you didn’t think I loved you before, hopefully this sends the message.” However, he definitely enjoys Valentine’s Day more when he’s single. It’s more fun, “[I’m] usually real shy, but I guess on Valentine’s Day I get to try my best at being Denzel Washington.” He uses the day as an excuse to have fun, “What other day can you say corny lines that make people laugh, not cringe?”
The experience Thomas had is a little more similar to what most queer women go through. After realizing that their sexual orientation inherently defies gender norms, many find humor in the expectations that were placed on them. A trans lesbian I spoke with was just happy to be spending time with someone she loved on her first Valentine’s day since transitioning. “I have hopes for some of the trimmings like flowers or chocolate, but it’s not really important, it would just be cool.” K.F., a non-binary person, thinks there is some pressure to celebrate, “because that’s what ‘normal’ couples do...regular couples already think we’re not legit, I guess.” They continue, “Because I’m non-binary, I tend to want to do cute stuff for my partner because it makes me feel more masculine… Cis straight men in my life tend to treat me like a little girl, so I like opportunities where I get to be the cool boyfriend, like Valentine’s!” The only thing they really stress about during the holiday is their heteronormative family, and potential judgemental looks. Otherwise, they enjoy the opportunity to do the traditional boyfriend things.
Valentine’s day can be a celebration, especially if we treat it more like Mardi Gras. It can be an opportunity to poke fun at prevailing norms and stereotypes, lightening the load placed on couples by the media and society. Play with the traditional ideas of boyfriend and girlfriend, embrace the cheesy traditions, make it your own. There’s no reason to dread a holiday that is supposed to be about love and affection; provided we focus on the joy and happiness our partners bring us, and not status. Take those rituals, subvert them, make them your own, and let go of what society expects of you.
Received my copy of Attic Zine, published by Nicola Winborn of the UK. My 3rd time sending my original art for submission in a big zine! So excited! The art is original and comes from all over the world. A thrill to see and hold. #atticzine #nicolawinborn #stampzine #picassogaglione #artzine #globalartist #visualartzine https://www.instagram.com/p/Bty4pG5jEgEOIt_1Mx_ffrSuspnfspJPrpHGrw0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=vrxyxqqp45pz
