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Jul 25, 2024

Starcatchers 1x4 - Fate of the Faithful

Synopsis: It's media day for the GVF guys! What could go wrong? (everything) Danny struggles to hold back the truth, Jake takes advice from a higher up, and Sam and Josh can't stop saying the wrong thing. Their manager has never been more stressed.

Words: 5.8k

Warnings: mentions of physical harm (brief), caffeine addiction, Keith Richards

Notes: Thank you, as always, to @feelslikejakey for the original concept, and @jmkho for literally writing the ending for me because my writer's block was so unbelievably bad AND making the incredible title/gif!! 🫶🫶🫶

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Jake, Josh, and Sam are in an old-fashioned diner, eating breakfast and sipping on tall mugs of black coffee. Sam sets down his fork with a clatter and leans closer to his brothers so he can conspire.

SAM: Something’s different with Daniel.

JAKE: (raising an eyebrow, mouth full of bacon) How so?

SAM: It’s like he’s more gullible or something. Usually he’s the most headstrong one in the band, but I’ve been messing with him a lot more recently, and he’s falling for it.

JOSH: You might be onto something, I convinced him that Genovia is a real country yesterday and he didn’t even Google it to double check.

JAKE: I can’t see that happening. I bet he’s the one screwing with you both.

SAM: No, trust me, watch this.

Danny comes back to the table from the bathroom, wiping his wet hands on his jeans.

DANNY: Some guy was styling his hair with the hand dryer. Can you believe that?

SAM: (ignoring Danny’s interesting story) Daniel, did you know that it gets so hot in the summer because the sun doubles in size between June and September?

DANNY: I guess that kind of makes sense.

Jake and Josh exchange amused looks. This is gonna be fun.

JOSH: Well, I read yesterday that pisces can read people’s minds.

DANNY: Really? That’s kind of spooky.

JAKE: The pyramids were built from the top down.

DANNY: I knew it. (beat) You guys are throwing a lot of information at me. It’s kinda making my head spin a bit. Not gonna lie, I’ve been all over the place since I stopped drinking caffeine. Like, I really can’t think straight.

SAM: (obviously not feeling bad at all) Oh no, that’s horrible!

Sam, Jake, and Josh share malicious grins. Danny is entirely oblivious.

SAM: (to the camera) I can tell this fool whatever I want.

Starcatchers Theme/Opening Titles

[acoustic theme song with a harmonica]

From the fires we emerged anew,

Singing, playing rock and roll,

Reviving a genre just for you.

Across the globe we traveled far

Recruiting an army of peace,

Enchanting crowds with our guitar.

A battle ensued at the Gardens Gate

And we preserved the gift of nature,

Standing up against a culture of hate.

We are the Starcatchers, reaching for the sky,

Discovering words of wisdom to live by.

We deliver a message from the heavens above:

Live your legend through the intelligence of love.

[end theme]

Jake, Josh, Sam, and Danny sit in their manager’s office. Danny is balancing a pen on his forehead while Sam times him with a watch that looks like it came from a Happy Meal. Jake and Josh try to focus on their manager, but it’s pretty hard with all the commotion Sam and Danny are making.

SAM: Twenty seconds away from the world record!

DANNY: Wooooo!

MANAGER: (trying to talk over Sam and Danny’s shouts) Today is a big press day. We’ve got a calendar full of interviews for you to get through. I know it’s going to be exhausting work, but we really need to start spreading the word about your upcoming single, ‘Meeting the Master.’

JOSH: We’re more than happy to talk with some kind journalists, right guys?

Danny sneezes and sends the pen flying across the room so it hits their manager square in the face.

SAM: Shoot! You were two seconds away!

Danny struggles to find a kleenex to wipe his nose, so he opts for a piece of paper sitting on the manager’s desk instead.

DANNY: Ugh, this tissue feels awful.

Danny crumples the snot-covered printer paper and discards it out the window.

MANAGER: (nodding towards Danny) What’s up with him? He’s usually the sane one.

JAKE: Caffeine withdrawals.

MANAGER: Say no more. (shudders) Been there.

JOSH: So, who do we get to chat with today? Rolling Stone? The New York Times Art and Culture columnist? Kelly Clarkson?

MANAGER: 98 Rock outside of Clearwater, Florida.

JAKE: Oh, come on.

MANAGER: And a few others. Sam and Josh, you’ll pair off and take this schedule. (hands Josh a sheet of paper) Danny, since you just blew your nose on your schedule and chucked it out the window, you and Jake are gonna have to figure things out. I don’t feel like printing another one.

Manager then slams a gavel down on his desk, making the guys jump.

MANAGER: Let’s get marketing!

The manager rushes out of the room, whooping and jumping around like he’s about to take the field for the Super Bowl. Jake, Josh, Sam, and Danny slowly follow behind him, unenthusiastically.

SAM: (falling in line with Danny) I need to tell you something.

DANNY: What’s up?

SAM: (obviously lying) I put truth serum in your water this morning at breakfast.

DANNY: Now why’d you do that?

Sam shrugs.

SAM: A guy sold it to me on the street. I wanted to see if it was the real deal or not.

Danny nods like he understands where Sam is coming from. Then he stops.

DANNY: I think you might have been scammed, Sam. It’s not like I’ve been spilling a bunch of secrets left and right.

Sam pretends to look disappointed.

SAM: There’s five bucks I’ll never get back.

Danny stops in his tracks. Sam stops with him. Danny turns to face Sam and puts his hands on his shoulders, looking deep into his eyes.

DANNY: I was the one who spread the rumor in third grade that you wore a wig.

Sam gapes at Danny.

SAM: DANIEL!

Danny looks horrified that he shared this information with Sam. His mouth hangs open in shock and, after taking in Sam’s progressively angrier face, he snaps back to life to do some major damage control.

DANNY: I don’t know why I said that, I’m so sorry, Sam. I was young then, I thought it was a funny joke, I didn’t mean for it to get out of hand.

SAM: Kids called me Mr. Clean for years, Daniel. Years. I had to grow my hair long to prove a point, but they just kept telling me that I had a nice weave.

Danny doesn’t know what to say. In a silent panic, he runs away from Sam. Sam watches him flail down the hallway and then shakes his head. As he does this, Josh retreats back to Sam’s side and places a hand on his shoulder, not noticing Danny running away.

JOSH: I was instructed to relay the message that we need to be on our best behavior today in front of the press. Management threatened to subtract twenty bucks from our upcoming paycheck every time we make ourselves look bad.

SAM: (focusing on Josh) How can they fairly keep track of that? It’s an entirely subjective thing.

JOSH: I don’t think this is something we can negotiate.

Sam shakes his head with discontent.

SAM: I can’t help that I enjoy riffing.

JOSH: I’m right there with you, bro, but it’s a challenge we’re gonna have to overcome.

Josh guides Sam past Jake, who is waiting outside a door labeled “105.4 KSCR: The Singles” where he and Danny are expected to take their first interview. Jake is pacing back and forth in front of the door, practicing his lines.

JAKE: Hi, I’m Jake Kiszka from Greta Van Fleet and I’m here to promote our new single, Meeting the Master. No, not quite it. Hey guys! This is Jake from Greta Van Fleet, spreading the word about our new single! Gross. What’s crackalackin my bros? I’m excited about my new single!

A deep and booming voice reminiscent of Samuel Pack Elliott appears from seemingly nowhere.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Become one with the essence of your being.

Jake suddenly stops in his tracks and spins in a tight circle, searching for the source of the mysterious voice.

JAKE: Huh? Dad?

MYSTERIOUS OVERHEAD VOICE: Soar above the constraints of possibility.

JAKE: Is this a prank? Because we already covered that in the pilot episode.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Your destiny lies in standing apart from the rest.

Jake’s face scrunches as he finally begins to consider what the voice is telling him. He looks back at the sign on the door. The words “The Singles” especially stand out to him, and he’s staring at the words while whispering “single” under his breath. Danny approaches Jake, looking turned around, and Jake stops whispering to himself, straightening up when he sees his bandmate.

JAKE: Daniel, I wanna fly solo with the interviews today. Why don’t you go somewhere else?

DANNY: I mean, I guess I can do that?

Danny turns back on his heel and wanders away back down the hallway, accidentally bumping into stuff left and right. He finds a door and slips into the room, leaving Jake back on his own. Jake sighs a breath of relief, like he’s off to a fresh start, and lets himself into the KSCR room.

The perspective of Jake entering the room swaps to a shot of Danny entering into a room of his own, which is entirely dark except for a single light. Danny gazes around and finally spots the interviewer, who is a woman around his age, giving him an eerie smile from the shadows. As he moves closer to her, it becomes clear that she’s using a screenshot of the Pixar lamp on her phone with the brightness turned all the way up as a substitute for an interrogation lamp.

INTERVIEWER: You’re early.

DANNY: My bandmate ditched me and told me to take some interviews on my own. I don’t like talking to people I don’t know, especially when there’s a camera around, but I am getting paid for this, so I might as well get it over with.

INTERVIEWER: Your honesty is refreshing.

DANNY: I’m so sorry, that was rude to say. I have no filter.

INTERVIEWER: Like a geriatric patient. Excellent.

DANNY: What’s with the dark room? I feel like I’m on the set of Hot Ones.

INTERVIEWER: I like my interview space free of distractions, so I can focus on only you, and you can only focus on me.

Danny points to the photo of the Pixar lamp that she’s still holding up.

DANNY: That’s pretty distracting.

INTERVIEWER: (adamant) The lamp stays.

DANNY: You’re making my spine tingle. That’s what happens when I’m around people who intimidate me.

INTERVIEWER: That’s exactly what I was going for. Now, shall we get started?

DANNY: (still evidently uncomfortable) I feel like I have to. (beat) I really hope I don’t talk about how I stole Dave Grohl’s drum sticks that one time we played at the same festival or how I used them afterwards to build a piece of IKEA furniture because I lost my hammer.

INTERVIEWER: Hold on, say that again after I start the camera.

Danny’s face pales with worry.

The interview room transitions into the room where Josh and Sam are currently on a Zoom call with a couple of cheesy DJs wearing Led Zeppelin band tees.

DJ 1: So I have written here in front of me that your band name has an interesting story behind it.

JOSH: Oh yeah, we actually came up with the name as an homage to our 3 main inspirations.

SAM: Greta Thunberg.

JOSH: Vanderpump Rules.

SAM: And Adele!

Josh flashes Sam a disappointed look.

DJ 2: How fascinating. I could have sworn I read somewhere that the name came from a town elder in your hometown of Frankenmuth.

SAM: If you knew that, then why did you ask the question?

Josh’s phone pings, he looks down at it, and immediately frowns.

JOSH: (to Sam) That’s a $20 deduction for both of us.

SAM, DANNY: Darn it!

Back in the darkened room with the interviewer, Danny is heard yelling the same thing as Sam, holding his head in his hands. The interviewer is flipping through her notes.

INTERVIEWER: So, in the past five minutes, you’ve shared your social security number, list of allergies, all of your phobias, your home address, how you’re oddly attracted to the pink Stitch, that you think you’re better at guitar than Jake, and, just now, your iCloud username and password. Can I include all of that in my article?

DANNY: (still into his hands) Please don’t.

INTERVIEWER: My interrogation - uh, I mean - my interviewing skills have really improved since I did my blood oath - I mean - my Masterclass course on journalism. I didn’t even prompt you to tell me any of that stuff. You offered it all on your own.

DANNY: (groaning) That stupid truth serum. I’m gonna kill Sam.

The interviewer is intrigued by this. She leans closer to Danny.

INTERVIEWER: Truth serum, huh? I didn’t know that stuff worked.

DANNY: Well, here’s all the evidence you need. Sam bought it off some guy on the street for, like, five bucks. It seems kinda cheap for something like that, though. I wonder if he had a coupon.

The interviewer is on her feet now, looking energized.

INTERVIEWER: Where’s Sam now? This could be my shot to finally get one of those big Hollywood hotshots to fess up to the existence of the Illuminati. It’s my time to expose those lizard people.

DANNY: I thought the lizard people and Illuminati were two separate groups?

It’s no matter, because the interviewer is already gone. Danny sighs and starts to play with the microphone that the interviewer left in front of him. Across the hallway Jake is sitting with the KSCR interviewer, a kind woman who looks like she’s got years of experience under her belt.

KSCR INTERVIEWER: It said on the call sheet that your drummer, Danny, was going to be joining us today.

JAKE: I’m flying solo today, hun. You see, Greta Van Fleet has been around for quite some time now. We’re veterans in the field, you could say, which means it’s time for us to explore new avenues. One of those avenues, as you can see, is that I get to take some interviews by myself. You know, test the waters a bit to feel what it’s like to be on my own, running the show.

KSCR INTERVIEWER: Are you implying that you’re going to leave the band?

JAKE: I’d be lying if I said the idea didn’t pique my interest. I keep seeing signs, like a higher power is pointing me in the right direction. Have you ever felt like you’ve been trapped in a cage your entire life? Don’t answer that; it’s a rhetorical question. What I crave is so much bigger than the confines of this little rock group. I want to move mountains with my song, to travel the world as a nomad, to become my own master. (without missing a beat) Speaking of which, our newest single, ‘Meeting the Master,’ will be available to stream on April 7th.

KSCR INTERVIEWER: This is frankly shocking to hear from you, Jake. A lot of people would argue that Greta Van Fleet is in their prime now. You’ve found your sound, gained your following, and are dominating the rock world. Why would you want to walk away from that?

JAKE: The loner’s path calls me.

Jake pulls a steel guitar out of nowhere and starts to play a tune that sounds similar to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly theme. The KSCR interviewer gives Jake a blank stare. That blank stare is shared by Josh and Sam, who are sitting in a room with their manager, who looks like he’s on the brink of exploding.

MANAGER: You know how much money we’re deducting from your paychecks?

SAM: I dunno, like 17 bucks? We’ve been on our very best behavior today.

MANAGER: $10,680! Each!

Sam and JOSH both wince at his words.

MANAGER: (continued) You’ve only done three interviews. It’s like you’re trying to make yourselves look bad or something.

JOSH: It’s just our personalities, I promise. We aren’t being deliberate about this.

MANAGER: It seemed pretty deliberate when Sam screamed that he was going to strangle the next artist that used a drum machine.

SAM: That came from the heart. I thought you told us to be authentic and likable.

MANAGER: What’s likable about that?

JOSH: Sam’s statement resonated very deeply with me, personally. He has my vote. I mean, he’s the kinda guy I could sit down and drink a beer with.

Sam and Josh fist bump. Manager stares between the brothers, his eye twitching, obviously contemplating if he should rip out all of his hair in a blind rage and run through a wall. By some miracle, he swallows his strong emotions and the storm in his face disperses.

MANAGER: GQ’s up next to shoot your 10 Things I Can’t Live Without interview. Please, I beg of you, don’t blow this.

JOSH: I can’t live without Cheez-Its.

MANAGER: Perfect, be sure to say that in front of the camera.

Manager leaves the room and slams the door shut. In a match cut, Danny closes the door behind him as he enters the Buzzfeed media room.

BUZZFEED INTERVIEWER: Danny! How’s it going?

DANNY: I can’t believe I have to chat with the stinking Millennial Disney Adult Top 10 List Toxic Work Environment Buzzfeed.

BUZZFEED INTERVIEWER: Thank you? Uh, why don’t you take a seat right there, yeah, cool.

DANNY: Please, for the love of all things holy, tell me you aren’t gonna make me take one of your pointless quizzes.

Buzzfeed interviewer gives an apologetic smile as he hands over a Buzzfeed laptop.

BUZZFEED INTERVIEWER: It’s ten questions, it should go by fast. Just make sure to share commentary and, if you can, include some good sound bytes that we can use for social media.

DANNY: The only commentary I’ll have is how much your stupid quiz sucks.

Danny sighs and turns his attention to the laptop to complete the quiz, Which Greta Van Fleet Member Are You? The first question, of course, is the classic: What’s your favorite color? Danny studies the options, shuts the laptop, and gives the interviewer an exhausted look.

DANNY: I’m Daniel Wagner. I don’t have to take a quiz to tell you that. Plus anyways, there’s no way a set of ten questions could possibly define who I am as a person, and how I distinguish myself from my bandmates. I’m an excruciatingly complex man with a deep history like you’ve never seen before. You’d need 6 seasons and a movie to even nip at the tip of my iceberg, sir. (beat) I think what I’m trying to say is my favorite color is mauve, which wasn’t an option.

BUZZFEED INTERVIEWER: Now that’s what I call a sound byte!

A commotion can be heard through the wall. The camera pans over to investigate, and we learn that Jake is in the next room at a table, leaning in close to the camera with a look so intense, it’s a miracle the lens hasn’t combusted.

JAKE: (on the brink of hysterics) Do you know how many songs I wrote for our last album? Enough to make Sir Paul McCartney poop his pants! And what did my bandmates do? They looked over my songs and were like, “wow, Jake, these are really good, but I don’t see where a song called ‘Walk the Plank Me Hearties’ would fit in our album’s tracklist.” Can you believe that? Turning down a banger like ‘Walk the Plank Me Hearties’? And it had a 38 minute long guitar solo too, perfect for radio. It’s like they’re digging their own grave in real time. What a joke. What an absolute joke. See how hard I’m laughing, guys? See the tears streaming down my face, pals?

AMELIA DIMOLDENBERG: I just asked if you liked ketchup with your tendies.

Camera zooms out to show that Jake is on a Chicken Shop Date with Amanda Dimoldenberg. Jake’s face is red from his rant, and he takes a break to shove a chicken tender in his mouth.

JAKE: (somehow managing to chew really loudly on chicken tenders) Now, if you were in my shoes, you would leave the band, right?

AMELIA DIMOLDENBERG: Absolutely not.

JAKE: I don’t think this is going to work out.

Jake takes three more chicken tenders and crams them all in his mouth before standing from the table and powering towards the door. Before he leaves, he turns back to face Amelia.

JAKE: This chicken is delicious, by the way.

AMELIA: Thanks, I didn’t make it.

Jake leaves the room and hustles down the hallway, past a door where Sam and Josh are sitting with some people from NPR.

PETER SAGAL: Welcome to Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me! This is Peter Sagal, live here with a couple of members from the rock group, Greta Van Fleet.

JOSH: Hiya, Peter.

SAM: What’s hangin’, DJ Swaggin?

PETER SAGAL: As you may know, this is a show that covers current events. Now, usually when we have guest stars, we take the majority of our time to discuss your career and craft. However, a story recently broke in the news that I would love to discuss with you.

SAM: By all means. Is this about the soaring gas prices?

JOSH: War?

PETER SAGAL: Your brother, Jake.

SAM: Oh god, what did he do this time?

PETER SAGAL: Take a listen, guys.

JOSH: I’ll bet you anything he turned into Oliver Reed and started threatening the people at Apple Music again for putting that U2 album on his phone.

PETER SAGAL plays an audio clip that Jake recorded recently.

JAKE: You know what? From here on out, Greta Van Fleet is a trio for all I care. I’m breaking free, baby, just like Troy and Gabriella. I don’t need them, I’m as single as a Pringle. (beat) By the way, our new single, ‘Meeting the Master,’ is available to stream on April 7th.

Sam and Josh are having trouble hiding their shock. Sam looks to Josh for a cue, trying to figure out how he should react to this news in a way that won’t cost them more money from their paycheck. Josh clears his throat and stands from his seat.

JOSH: It’s been a pleasure speaking with you, but I need to attend a very important meeting. About, uh, drum machines.

SAM: (attempting to follow Josh’s lead) Yeah, we like to strangle people who use them.

Josh and Sam both rush out of the room. Just as quickly as they leave the NPR room, they enter the room where Jake is currently sitting with a reporter from MSNBC, for some reason.

JAKE: (to the reporter, oblivious to Sam and Josh’s recent entrance) All the greats go solo. Art Garfunkel, Michelle Williams, Liam Payne.

JOSH: Jake!

Jake turns around and stands to face his brothers. While he at first looks shocked and afraid to see them, he quickly masks his emotions with a smug smile.

JAKE: Come to negotiate keeping me in your shackles?

SAM: Dude, what’s gotten into you? You’re seriously killing the vibe.

JAKE: I got a whiff of the sweet smell of independence, boys. I’m afraid I’ve gotten hooked.

JOSH: The only thing I smell in here is your BO. And french fries. Hey wait - did you get Mickey D’s without me?

JAKE: That’s the perk of going solo.

Sam looks like he’s starting to consider leaving the band as well.

JOSH: This is insane, Jake. You can’t leave Greta Van Fleet.

The mysterious deep voice returns again. It’s apparent that only Jake can hear it.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Challenge the non-believers.

JAKE: I’ll show you insane. God just told me to challenge Josh to a duel.

SAM: (shock) Oh my god! (confusion)Oh my god? (realization) Oh my god??

JOSH: (cutting Sam off) You’ve got yourself a deal, pal.

SAM: No!

JAKE: High noon, bud.

SAM: It’s 3:07.

JOSH: It’s high noon somewhere.

SAM: I don’t think it is?

JAKE: Parking lot.

JOSH: Right.

The twins exit the room in a silent rage, leaving Sam behind with the MSNBC reporter.

SAM: So, how about that economy, huh? What are stocks and why am I so afraid of them?

The scene shifts to the parking lot, at not-really high noon. An instrumental version of ‘Fate of the Faithful’ plays in the background. Jake and Josh step into frame. Jake looks like Woody from Toy Story while Josh wears a cowboy suit with inflatable horse legs. Sam stands in the middle, dressed like a NASCAR flagman in a checkered suit, holding the starting flag up.

SAM: Please don’t make me do this!

JAKE: Wave the stinkin flag, Samuel! It’s a direct order from God!

JOSH: I bet he’ll smite you if you don’t. All that’ll be left is the memory of how annoying you were.

Sam squeezes his eyes shut in fear as he holds the flag up, and Jake and Josh curl and unfurl their fists, preparing to grab for their weapons (plastic cups filled with boba). Sam slowly starts to move the flag downwards as the instrumental music crescendos. The camera zooms into Jake and Josh’s eyes to show just how serious they are about this whole boba shootout. Sam lowers the flag in full, his eyes still shut. As the twins stick their straws in their mouths and prepare to fire the boba at one another, Danny suddenly wanders past Sam, blocking Jake and Josh from each other. Danny appears dazed and confused, and gazes around with a sleepy look on his face.

DANNY: Which interview is this? Why didn’t I get a fun costume?

JAKE: Oy! Checker boy! Move your curly friend out of the way so I can pelt my brother with these tapioca pearls!

SAM: (to Danny) Now’s really not a good time to be here, buddy. Why don’t you lay down and drink an ice water? You look awful.

DANNY: (speaking to no one in particular) I said so many things on our no-no list. But I couldn’t stop myself. The words melted from my mouth like butter fresh out of the microwave.

Jake and Josh are now standing upright, dumbfounded and trying to decipher what the heck Danny is talking about.

DANNY: (continued) They know that I used a night light until I was 16. And that Josh has an irrational fear of George Costanza. And that Jake stole one of Chicago Music Exchange’s most expensive guitars back in 2019 and blamed it on Keith Richards.

JAKE: Bollocks!

DANNY: And I can’t speak a lick of Spanish. And Sam lied about being vegetarian during the pandemic.

SAM: Oh no, my brand!

DANNY: And Josh has a crush on Dev Patel…

JOSH: I’m actually okay with that one. Maybe he’ll hit me up?

DANNY: (continued) …and a young Rasputin.

JOSH: How do you know about that!?

JAKE: Okay, change in plans. I don’t need to duel Josh anymore. Let’s circle the traitor!

JOSH: Yar!

DANNY: (continuing) That truth serum Sam gave me is seriously strong. Like, it’s kinda freaking me out how powerful the stuff is. I told a poor reporter with Spin that I haven’t had a bowel movement in 4 days and he referred me to a fiber specialist.

Jake and Josh turn to look at each other. It’s mutually understood that Danny is not the cause of this mess; Sam is. Sam has already caught onto this, as made apparent by the fact that he is already halfway across the parking lot, booking it as fast as he can from harm’s way.

A steel guitar theme plays in the background as old-timey title cards flash across the screen, reading: Samuel Francis Kiszka was forced to go through robust media training as penance for his tomfoolery and despicable interview responses. Daniel Robert Wagner was given a doppio espresso with 20 shots of espresso and 10 pumps of white mocha to cure his caffeine withdrawals. He was back to normal within seconds. As for the twins, Jacob and Joshua…

Camera shows Jake and Josh. They are sitting across from each other in the room where Josh and Sam did their GQ 10 Things I Can’t Live Without interview. A box of Cheez-Its, toe nail clippers, a trucker cap that reads I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS I’M WORSE, a ping pong paddle, and The Communist Manifesto are sprawled across the table. It can be assumed that all of Sam’s submissions were non-tangible.

JOSH: I can’t believe Sam has to go through the same media training program that Disney Channel child actors do.

JAKE: You and I both know it’s what the kid deserves.

SAM: (voice calling from down the hall) WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T THREATEN PEOPLE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS? THAT’S MY BIT!

Josh looks like he’s mulling over whether he should mention something or not. He starts to play with the toenail clippers, but then stops himself.

JOSH: You know how you were talking about leaving the band?

Jake seems uncomfortable that Josh is bringing this up.

JAKE: Hmm? Oh yeah, that. (beat) Between you and me, I think Sam must have slipped me some “Tendency to Learn Towards Breaking Up” serum earlier today. Man, that stuff got me good.

Now Jake is the one nervously playing with The Communist Manifesto, trying to read it upside down.

JOSH: Is any of that serum still in your system?

Jake mulls Josh’s question over.

JAKE: I think it must have cleared out. I mean, I haven’t heard from God in a hot minute.

JOSH: I am curious, what does God sound like?

JAKE: Like the most darn tootin’ cowboy you’ve ever heard in your life.

JOSH: Huh.

JAKE: It is a little strange though, I swear I’ve heard his voice before. Maybe he regularly checks in on me.

Jake shifts around a bit in his seat.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Our duty is to build trucks.

Jake jumps out of his seat with a shout.

JOSH: What?!

JAKE: He just came back to me! He said it’s our duty to build trucks?

JOSH: Are you sure he didn’t say ‘trust’?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: It takes the new 2025 Ram 1500 to move Heaven and Earth.

JAKE: Huh?

JOSH: What is it, brother?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Guts. Glory. Ram.

JAKE: I think God just recited a Ram Truck commercial to me.

JOSH: You said he sounds like a cowboy?

JAKE: Mmm hmm.

Josh looks at Jake closer. Although his hair is covering his ears, Josh spots something. He reaches forward, brushes Jake’s hair out of the way, grabs something, and holds an AirPod out to Jake to see.

JOSH: Do you think this was maybe where the “Voice of God” was coming from?

JAKE: Did you pull that out of my ear? I didn’t realize you knew how to do magic tricks.

Josh inserts the AirPod into his own ear and takes a pause to listen.

JOSH: Your “God” is telling me about Dairy Queen’s 2 for $5 deal right now.

JAKE: Sellout.

JOSH: You’re playing ads on your phone, dude.

Jake pulls out his phone and studies it.

JAKE: So I am. Perhaps I’m not important enough for divine intervention.

JOSH: (cautiously) You know, sometimes we apply meaning to things based on our subconscious without even realizing it.

Jake doesn’t seem to be following what Josh is hinting at. With a sigh, Josh continues.

JOSH: (continued) All of today you believed you were following the word of God. But, in actuality, I think you were doing what you wanted.

JAKE: I was doing what Ram Trucks wanted.

JOSH: Jake, I want to know if we’re okay. You know, as a band.

JAKE: Oh yeah. Saying we’re A-okay isn’t even accurate. We’re more like A+ okay.

Jake lets out a small cough, rubs his nose on the bottom of his dress shirt, hocks a loogie into Josh’s box of Cheez-Its, and stands.

JAKE: I’m gonna grab some more chicken tenders from that British lady. Those made my stomach happy.

Jake leaves the room, whistling the “Cha Cha Slide” to himself.

JOSH: (to himself) I wish I had some of Sam’s truth serum to crack into that chestnut of a brain.

The episode ends with a flashing series of national headlines that were produced as a result of the media day, like Greta Van Fleeing: Jake Kiszka on the Move? and 192 Secrets Daniel Wagner Probably Should Have Kept to Himself. The camera shifts to show that the members of Greta Van Fleet are doing more media, chatting with a couple of DJs over a Zoom call.

DJ 1: You boys really took the world by storm last week with your, let’s call it, buzzworthy press. We’re glad to have you here with us today to shed some light on what happened, and why you’re currently at the top of the news cycle for every major outlet.

DANNY: A word to the wise, don’t go off the bean.

DJ 2: Noted.

SAM: We’re so thrilled to be speaking with you both today. To answer your question, I went into the Disney Channel building and I sat down with the president of Disney Channel, and I said, ‘I wanna make history,’ and that’s what this is.

DJ 2: Not the answer we were expecting, but very informative, Samuel.

JOSH: You should congratulate him, he’s been taking his media training very seriously.

Danny takes a break from chugging his venti coffee to chime in.

DANNY: We’re a band who obviously doesn’t take ourselves too seriously. What happened last week was unprofessional, I will admit that, but it was a way to capture your attention so we can spread the word far and wide about the first single off our upcoming album, Starcatcher.

SAM: Create a playlist with ‘Meeting the Master’ on repeat and stream it. Don’t mute it! Play it at a low volume and let it play while you sleep.

DJ 1: Should we even be anticipating a new album from you guys if Jake’s so dead-set on quitting the band?

SAM: I am not contractually allowed to speak on that matter. No comment.

JAKE: That was an accident. False alarm. I was taking advice from Ram Trucks.

DJ 2: How does that happen?

JAKE: You forget to watch your back.

DJ 2: I want to steer the conversation back to Danny about a certain someone that he expressed romantic feelings for last week.

Everyone stares at Danny with concern. Danny looks mortified.

DJ 2: Anything to say about Pink Stitch?

JAKE: Oh, I bet he does.

JOSH: (to Jake) You know who has something to say about you?

Josh retrieves his phone from his pocket and opens a voice note.

VOICE OF KEITH RICHARDS: Ello, this is Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones. I have a message for a kid named Jake who screwed me over at the Chicago Music Exchange. Now, IF I SEE DAT BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP I’M GONNA BLEEP BLEEP THE GODDAMN BASEBALL BAT BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP ZEBRA CROSSING BLEEP BLEEP ICE CREAM BLEEP BLEEP FRENCH WINDOWS BLEEP -

JAKE: (trying to call over the continued voice note of Keith Richards cussing him out to no end) MEETING THE MASTER. STREAM IT NOW, STREAM IT FOREVER.

END OF EPISODE.

#greta van fleet #gvf #greta van fleet fanfiction #gvf fic #gvf fanfiction #sam kiszka #josh kiszka #danny wagner #jake kiszka #greta van fleet fanfic #greta van fleet fic #starcatchers #gvf fanfic #sorry it's been a hot second since I wrote one of these #this one's been sitting in my drafts for way too long

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