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[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

i! have discovered an important fact!!!

sometimes baby owls sleep lying down, it’s the best thing in the world i might cry about it

ah to be a tiny owlet, facedown in dirt, the soil a gentle reminder of my own future, a rustling promise of my inevitable decay back into the dust from which I was shaped

fun fact! it because they head too heavy for they body

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

ah to be a tiny owlet, the immense weight of my sins forehead dragging me back to the cold, clean soil into which i will one day be reabsorbed 

[netherator]

Owl loaf owl loaf OWL LOAF OWL LOAF

[spudthespudgungamer]

OWL LOAF OWL LOAF OWL LOAF!

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

can there be more fun fantasy books for adults? emphasis on fun?

it’s great there are so many stories for young readers about kids and teenagers having adventures and saving the world. I love that! but the desire for magic and wonder doesn’t go away as you age, and I’m tired of this pretense that fantasy geared towards adults has to be dark and gritty and edgy. adults want to escape too! we also want heartwarming stories about magical worlds and grand quests, where characters we relate to save the world and learn important lessons along the way! we want stories that fill us with wonder and hope, stories with happy endings, fantastical worlds that contain more joy and goodness than suffering and cruelty. we still want those stories! give us lighthearted fantasy for adult readers, gosh fuck it

[talvin-muircastle]

Grandma is the Chosen One.

She finally opens that old wardrobe that her late sister left her and finds the passage to another world.  

She gets a letter saying, “We have full scholarships for Non-Traditional Students here at the Academy of Sorcery.”

The kids come to her with the Strange Artifact, and instead of sending them off to deal with it, she sends them home with cookies, puts on her scuffed old Doc Martens, and heads out to Deal With It Once And For All.

SHE is the Lost Princess. Yes, that means her kids and grandkids are going to inherit, but she is not about to leave them an untidy mess of a Kingdom!  Time to clean house.  Aggressively.  

I mean, I’d read this stuff.

[wenzelsays]

You’re 30. Working long shifts at a decent enough job. But it isn’t what you thought you’d be doing. Maybe you work in the county clerk’s office or manage a local Applebees or coach pee-wee soccer it doesn’t matter. You’re not unhappy exactly. You have a decent enough life. But well… This isn’t how you thought you’d life would go. And now you’re past 30 and nothing exciting is likely to happen now. You’re past your adventuring main character in a popular series years and are firmly in supporting character that may get killed off to further the plot years. And it sucks. But that’s ok. You volunteer and help your friends move and buy some plants and try to ignore the growing nagging feeling in the back of your head. You know the one. The part of you that’s still 9 years old and discovering Hobbiton for the first time. The part of you that wants to fight an evil wizard and forge friendships from an unlikely group of ragtag heroes. The part of you that’s brave in a way only children can be. The part of you that stares death in the face and laughs. The part of us all that we squash down because it doesn’t fit into the real world and we mostly forget about. Until we dont. Until it’s the middle of the night and you’re awake cause you heard a noise or have to pee or are too hot or whatever. Because you’re 30 and that means getting up to pee in the middle of the night and having stiff joints and always being tired. Except. there’s the noise again. A knock? More like a tap really. At your door or window or microwave And a letter or a messenger or owl or goat ton the other side. That feeling turns into abuzzing and suddenly you Know. This is the moment. The crossroads. You open the letter/bid the messenger entrance. And your quest begins. You find yourself facing a group of other 30 somethings and they tell you that they’ve chosen you. That you’re special. That you always we’re. That there’s an evil in the land. You ask why they didn’t come for you sooner. “Ask a child to do an adults job? Send a child to their death under the guise of heroism and grandeur? No. That’s not heroism. That’s folly. Children shouldn’t have to be relied upon to save us. If they are than that means we’ve failed. Adults should protect children. And we can'talways. But we try. You have a life. You have a choice. You have something to lose here. And you know the stakes. A child doesn’t, not really. And they shouldn’t have too.” And they go on to explain how they saw children doing what adults dared not. And then they saw the aftermath. The haunted looks and nightmares and cries for fallen friends. How they couldn’t trust those older than them. How they were soldiers. Always. How they didn’t know aught else. So the adults banneded together with the battle harden youth and said no more. No more sending children to clean up our messes. Which is where you come in. The chosen one. All grown up. Still holding out hope for adventure. Aware of unfairness and evil and people just trying their best. Ready, finally, to helpsave the world. But only if you want to. And you do. Because it’s a choice. Which is how you end up with your rowdy band of misfits adventuring to find a lost whatever and harness your chosen ones powers and help the less fortunate on your way to save the world from the big bad. And it’s hard. And people die and your joints still ache and you still haveto get up in the middle of the night to pee. But that feeling in the back of your head is gone. And when you get to the big bad it’s not a moral quandary. There isn’t a shade of grey to be found. You still offer them a choice. They still choose evil. You still end them. But unlike a child. You knew what you were doing. You knew what it would come to. Or at least suspected. And you knew how that moment would affect you. You’ll live your life knowing you did the best you could with he information you had at the time. Unlike a child who might spend their lives wondering what if. You all chose to be there. You all accepted the risk. You weren’t deluded into believing a false narrative that

filled your mind with delusions of grandeur. You got your adventure. And somewhere else. Another got their childhood. And really, that’s all you can ask.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

a ghost who gets really spooked out by supernatural shit

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

they were scared of ghosts and haunted houses while they were alive, and none of that has changed now that they are the ghost haunting the house

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

maned wolves are just the Slenderman version of foxes

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

you are an itty bitty fox in an itty bitty foxhole and you creep gently out into the woods one night. the wind pulls up leaves (dry and dying) from the forest floor and sends them dancing, twisting (like something alive and deranged). the trees are whispering amongst themselves, gossiping as they do on stormy eves, and you tell yourself that you are alone, alone with the trees and the wind and the dark dark night.

and then you hear the rustling behind you. so you turn, of course you turn, on your little fox paws, to find it standing over you, impossibly long and bizarrely shaped, its distorted limbs bathed in moonlight:

THIS SHITWIT

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

as an autistic person, can i just say that Charles Babbage aka “father of the computer” was totally one of us and also his vendetta against street music & organ grinders was VALID

[pansypr3p]

ey yo gaud what do u have against street music

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

i have to wear earplugs and/or prescription sedatives to go outside

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Tags (bc I don’t actually have anything against street music as long as it’s not like, unreasonably intrusive):

#the bigger issue though is overhead music in commercial buildings. restaurants, shops, grocery stores, etc I can’t go to any of those places without earplug and also sometimes gunshot protection earmuffs. it’s an issue  #restaurants will usually turn the music down some if i ask politely, which helps but only to a degree. but yeah, it’s not street music so much as the growing presence of overhead speaker music & background noise in public life. it really shuts out people with sensory issues. makes it difficult for us to socialize and in general just to function in public spaces

[e-the-village-cryptid]

I wrote a paper on this for a music class! The prof was a bit surprised and said she had never thought about how background music could hurt people with sensory issues so basically we just need more awareness. But there is hope! Here’s some stuff I learned:

the UK has been getting better at this

many essential stores there now have “quiet hours” where they turn off music, minimize announcements, minimize beeping of cash registers, and dim the lights

one large supermarket chain got rid of music altogether to make their stores more accessible

other countries could benefit from this

in the US 1% of the population uses wheelchairs so buildings are required to have wheelchair ramps under the ADA

7-8% of the population has sensory issues so following the UK’s example would definitely fall under “reasonable accommodations” required by the ADA

let’s bring “quiet hours” to the US and other countries!

Finally, have a meme:

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

oh I LOVE this

[foxeareddevil]

People always say I’m being “dramatic” about this but i literally cannot listen to a person talk or verbalize my own thoughts if there is too much background noise of any kind. Music too loud at a cafe? It’s absolutely draining to impossible for me to have a conversation there. I have to wear headphones to the supermarket and then awkwardly take them off at checkout (no self checkout in Germany). Any kind of siren? Congrats I’m plugging my ears with my fingers and i have to stop walking because the sound makes it so i can’t concentrate on my steps. Boyfriend watching a video and simultaneously playing a game with sound on? I have to leave the room and close the door because it makes me aggressive af. Same goes for kids screaming/crying. I get so god damn angry i have to literally go away.

I didn’t know any of this was legit, i thought i was just being unnecessarily sensitive and bothering everyone ._.

[theworksofshanyu]

Holy shit I thought this was normal too

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

nope, this is a very real medical issue!

hypersensitivity to noise (medically known as Hyperacusis) is common in autistic folks & people with sensory processing disorder, but can also be caused by a number of other issues. It can be an enormous and often literal headache to deal with.

I’ve written about it and shared some coping mechanisms here. if you struggle with sensitivity to sound, please make an appointment with a local ENT doctor—there are therapy and treatment options available (though it is an uncommon enough issue that I would call ahead to let them know your concerns, and ask them to take time to research treatment recommendations in advance of your appointment. you can also ask to be referred to a specialist). This isn’t something anyone should have to deal with alone.

[thatcapdfeel]

An audiologist may also be able to help, although it would be worth calling or emailing ahead with them too.

On a related note: if all of this resonated with you but noisy environments aren’t painful or uncomfortable, just exhausting, you may be experiencing listening fatigue. And you should definitely get that checked out because that can be debilitating in of itself and is a symptom of sensory processing disorder, auditory processing disorder or a hearing impairment.

[sterna-hirundo]

Today on “Oh, that was a symptom?” 🙃

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

maned wolves are just the Slenderman version of foxes

[asrielarchive]

Gaud you know they aren't related to foxes, right?

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Slendermans aren't related to humans what's ur point

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

wish lion's mane jellyfish would stop doing that

[coastalqueerlive]

doing what?

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

i was going to say doing THAT

but apparently this photo is fake which is an enormous burst of relief to my already fragile, suddering psyche.

sadly though THIS photo of a barrel jellfish is real

don’t like that

[getgoodloser]

Yeah sure that photo is fake, but what ISN'T fake is the fact that the largest lion's mane jellyfish found was about 36 meters long. The average blue whale is about 25 meters long btw.

[getgoodloser]

Here if you'd like to see it:

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

we DO NOT TALK ABOUT TENTACLE LENGTH that is VERBOTEN

[wolfy8tyu]

damn, the girth on those tendrils tho

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT TENTACLE GIRTH

[snowthesprite]

Idk what the fuck yall talken about but I see jellyfish and by god do I love dem on bread.

Some of my favorite jellyfish (sorry if I go on a tanget and vear off jellyfish)

are the Stygiomedusa gigantea, which I believe is also called the blanket jellyfish, but like dude look up a video of it moving it is chilling and fantastic! This thing is 10 meters long, so not the largest here, but ohohoho look at my love

It is a deep sea jellyfish and is one of the largest invertebrate predators known. However, according to Cambridge, it has been consistently recorded in the twilight and sunlight depth zones down south so do with that what you will :)

If we want to keep going down the large and length category of ocean creatures, allow me to introduce the current longest recorded ocean animal. A deep sea siphonophore that clocks in at around 46 meters; my beautiful death halo

Technically siphonophores are hundreds upon hundreds of tinier organisms that grouped together to make a bigger one, but for all intents and purposes, this is one animal. Some of them are incredibly beautiful!

However there is also ones not so pretty, main one was something I saw a month or so ago and it looked like someone had fused like a dozen human limbs together and they were flailing to move and jesus christ yall can go mentally scar yourselves.

Man I can’t find a good picture but Deepsea Oddities has a really good video on them (and on other ocean related things… mostly deep sea)

[armedcollie]

while this is beautiful and i love these creatures, i also would have been perfectly happy NOT knowing these things exist on the same plant that i live on

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Assert dominance over ghosts by jumping out at yourself from dark corners

[pwapboi-deactivated20200412]

Why wait for a poltergeist to cause a ruckus? Slam your own doors. Rattle your own windows. Smash your own favourite plate against the wall. Haunt your own house. You don’t need no weakass spirit. The only supernatural force you need in your life is yourself.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

this is so inspiring i’m crying thank you

[phia-myth]

The poltergeist:

[dragonflea]

Poltergeist: smashes plate on floor

Me: *swipes entire stack of plate off the shelf like a cat*

Poltergeist: okay mate alright take it easy jeez

[oddlittlefandomist]

Ghost in my home: *ungodly shrieking sound*

Me: *hits an operatic high G and leaves the room*

Ghost:

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

every emotion I have ever experienced exists on a spectrum that can be best and most concisely summarized by Ancient Egyptian Golden Death Masks

don’t know what this emotion is called, but I’ve felt it every forsaken minute of every accursed day ever since the miserable curse of Sentience was thrust onto my unwilling aching shoulders

[zaprowsdower27]

“Dead inside”

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

it is once again the season to remind everyone of NASA’s greatest discovery

THE JACK-O-LANTERN NEBULA

(src)

[armedcollie]

beauty in it’s spookiest form

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

meteorologically speaking, Hell’s atmosphere is mostly composed of fire and brimstone, right?

[sordidsepulchre]

dont

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

and “brimstone” is just an archaic word for sulfur, right?

[banana-the-hyena-deactivated202]

Please stop

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

sulfur, the chemical element whose odor is responsible for the characteristic smell of (for example) natural gas, garlic, rotten eggs, skunk spray, and even human flatulence. right?

[notahorseindisguise]

why are you doing this

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

so a high presence of fire and brimstone is well-documented by holy texts, to the point that it is considered a Key Characteristic of Hell. therefore, we can conclude that:

By Biblical canon, Hell smells like HOT STINKY FARTS.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

blood seeping through the walls of a haunted house is not normal behavior! it's not "spooky" or entertaining, it's a severe stress response, of which more haunted house owners need to be aware

[lu-the-artist]

Totally agree. Blood seeping is a haunted house's response to severely stressful situations, the most common being a haunted artifact that is out of place, such as a claw foot bathtub for example. House experts say that haunted houses must have all the necessary haunted objects in the right place in order for their hauntonius system (vital system of the haunted house's body) to function properly. NONE of these haunted objects can be exorcised or else the hauntonius system will fail, causing the haunted house severe pain. This will cause more blood seeping from the house, which might even lead to the house collapsing of blood loss if not treated immediately. There are multiple haunted house owners who mistreat the haunted objects as something "cursed" and "evil". They try to get rid of them, most often by destroying them, as soon as possible. It breaks my heart to see these haunted houses go through so much pain, all for the "safety" of the owners. If you're the owner of a haunted house and you find out which objects in the house are haunted, DO NOT CALL AN EXORCIST. Please. This could save a haunted house's life.

Please note that I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL. If you want to learn more, a video link explaining haunted houses and their health requirements is here.

[armedcollie]

I knew what it was gonna be. i knew. and i still clicked it

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

vampire antiques dealer. she makes a living hanging on to all her old stuff and selling it for a premium once a century or two has passed

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

every 150 years or so she gets bored with the furniture in her house and sells it for a small fortune, which she then uses to redecorate. currently she lives in a mansion outfitted with all the modern luxuries of the 1970s, including immaculate wall-to-wall shag carpeting

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

if two black holes collide a billion light-years away and no one hears, does it make a noise?

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

the answer is yes and the noise is BLEEP!

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

#internet points to whoever makes the dirtiest joke about gaping holes colliding

[leahazel]

The ass-cheeks of the universe

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

[armedcollie]

No one:

Dave & Ridley writing BtN:

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

In a series of completely unrelated coincidences, the same family moves into a haunted house, attracts the attention of a local poltergeist, purchases an evil ventriloquist dummy, activates a witch’s curse, and adopts the newborn antichrist, all in the same week.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

the parents are so distracted by the major life changes of moving to a new town & caring for a baby that they completely fail to notice.

supernatural occurrences mostly get blamed on the fact they are living in an old house they bought as a fixer upper:

of course it’s full of strange drafts and weird noises–the insulation is a mess and there’s a family of racoons in the attic

no shit the lights are flickering, the previous owners tried to do the electrical wiring themselves and now the whole place is a fire hazard

yes the ventriloquist dummy keeps appearing in strange places, Little Suzie is always leaving her toys lying around, at least this is less dangerous than the roller skates on the stairs.

and ok sure it’s a bit weird that household objects are levitating, but this town is built on a huge fault line and the realtor warned us about microearthquakes

meanwhile, the supernatural entities are all at war with their unwanted spooky roommates. at some point they get so busy terrorizing each other they forget to haunt the humans

[aquagirl555]

and the antichrist has an attentive, loving, and caring older sister to keep them happy and entertained

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

and (as previously discussed!) parents who are chill and treat the ensuing demonic events as normal childhood behavioral problems. they get the antichrist a child therapist 

[armedcollie]

I think my favorite part about this is the family’s Logic in concluding that microearthquakes cause levitation

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

*shows up repeatedly to the same party in a variety of victorian bat costumes*

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

*arrives 20 minutes early wearing this masterpiece & greets u in echolocation*

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

*pulls off top costume and spends the rest of the evening dancing on a table in THIS:

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

*disappears in a puff of smoke and reappears to start a conga line, having Moon Prism Powered my way into this spiffy number*

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

*disappears briefly into a dark closet and reemergences in my FINAL FORM aka bat dress made out of actual taxidermied bats*

*the bats come alive when the clock strikes midnight and flap around the room, leaving me shivering in my underthings. fortunately I am not at all embarrassed, as my fellow partygoers are too covered-in-a-cloud-of-bats to notice my attire*