Sarcastic StarBharat Reviews: Episode 1- The one mega-huge episode.
Okay, so the viewer is kinda looking down from heaven, alright. This is cool…man this show has damn hot sets! I’m not sure what the music is supposed to be, romantic, maybe, but it’s just putting me off, and lulling me to sleep. And…the series begins! With a canon fail right off the bat!! Canon fail #1: Satyavati was NOT Shantanu’s mistress. He came across her fishing in the Yamuna, fell in love, had a boner more like, and petitioned her dad for marriage. Shantanu: A King whose ultimate wish is for memory loss. All the while having a boner. Wow. Ideal King, man. Satyavati: A lady who’s badass! Ambition makes sense, lady. Hello, fake fish! Satyavati suddenly looks like a psycho while she casts the line. But a psycho who’s independent. It’s almost ancient Indian Titanic accident, but this lady is a single-minded one. She’s got the fish. Almost. Her hands are bleeding. And, she’s caught it! There’s the boring music again. Followed by cringey sexy talk. “Iccha hai hriday ki shakti.” I kinda agree, but Krishna doesn’t, so that’s moot. Oh, no. There’s the telltale Krishna music, and here comes the part I always skip. Krishna Gyaan. That sounds really pretentious to my ears, I think something is wrong with me, because exactly these scenes receive rave reviews. He’s telling us about the wishes that drive humankind. Okay, not even for reviewing can I sit through this wank. Skip, skip, skip. He’s introducing the Mahabharat. Hello, show!
Enter humanoids, very terrible looking ones, in…a village of Hastinapur. I don’t think THAT can exist, so here comes… Canon fail #2: Hastinapur is a city. Kururashtra is the Kingdom. It’s a village in Kururashtra. But this is a very minor fail, I guess we can let it pass. But I doubt Shantanu was this terrible of a King that he didn’t put soldiers to patrol villages. There is an obligatory vandalism scene, and a damsel in distress calls upon the King. Oh, shit. This place has no Queen. Hence no yagnas. Gods rarely pay heed to yagnas, but without yagnas, they’re totes deaf. There’s another damsel in distress asking ‘Who will protect Hastinapur?” Boom! Enter Devavrata. We still don’t know that it’s him, BTW. But it’s totally not obvious. This guy is flying Tarzan! He materializes out of air in front of a kid who’s nearly being killed. Wow, he has a powerful voice. And Boom! Lone hero wins! There’s another irritating thing in this show: Arrows coming outta nowhere with a swish. Ah, such an honorable man…promising Rakshasas safety. Right after that, of course, a bunch of ‘em are killed. By Shantanu and his soldiers. But here comes our hero, protecting his allies. Philosophy too, bro. Wow. Shantanu is pissed. Of course, Devavrat takes mama’s help. Ganga. Ganga, who has a beautiful BG tune. Anyway, we ain’t there yet. #Bridge of arrows. Then Shantanu asks Devavrat “Who are ya? How can she listen to you?” Ganga’s the one who makes the announcement. “This is not just my son, but yours too. He’s your heir.” Immediate absolution. “I love you, my son!” Ancient Indian version. While Ganga is giving her sales patter, that she’s fulfilled her oath. And then she says, ‘A river is the Queen in every town she flows through…” Chill lady, this. BTW, this seems to be actual canon fail #2. I don’t think Devavrat made an entry like this in canon…but I might be wrong, Please correct me, experienced folks! There’s a truly beautiful panoramic shot, and a butterfly is flying surrounded by fireworks…did they exist back then? “Handwaves” Hey, what are fireworks compared to divine weapons? So yeah, I guess they did exist… Enter Satyavati and her maiden coterie, who’s trying to catch the butterfly, but catches Shantanu instead. If you ask me, the butterfly’s the better option. Shantanu’s still in the bliss of getting his goddess-begotten kid back…but Satyavati isn’t. Not that he notices. He’s here to take her with him. He’s planning on retiring and crowning his son and retreating with Satyavati after their marriage. She is not thrilled and makes it clear in a roundabout way. Not that Shantanu gets it. Until she makes it clear. Again, this is an extension of canon fail #1: It’s Satyavati’s father who makes the demand, as far as. I know, not Satyavati herself. I actually doubt she loved Shantanu in the first place. #EpicLoverBattle occurs. Kind of. She lays out an ultimatum. He foreshadows what is going to occur in the future: that is, Satyavati’s heart will bleed. And so the ground is set, to the tune of dragging music. Shantanu walks right into the coronation of Devavrat as the crown prince. Cue the coronation. Shot in all sorts of dramatic angles. Aw, he’s such a good son! Susses out that his dad is the doldrums after his lover’s spat. Those doldrums last for a damn long time, BTW. But that’s a little later. Right now, he announces Devavrat as the crown Prince of Hastinapur to a BG music that reminds me of the dramatic prairie-dog music from Jodhaa Akbar. Then there’s this classical song that precedes all the coronations in this series. The process looks very uncomfortable to me, actually. But who am I, a lowly commoner, to comment? Shantanu is in teary-eyed doldrums at first, which is followed by fits of rage. Devavrat gets concerned. My advice, buddy: DO NOT BE THIS GOOD OF A SON! DON’T! But you ain’t gonna listen. You’re too emotional right now. Too sad that you can’t fulfill your father’s wishes. So you decide to go on a hunger strike. Gosh, apparently this whole clan is populated with drama Queens. Shantanu pretends to be a good father and says that he’ll learn to live with his sadness. Devavrat promises to solve his father’s sad issues. And does. He goes and finds Satyavati. All respectful. He’s here to beg a boon of her. Of his father’s happiness. She’s sad, too. He’s confused. He has no idea of lovers, or lovers’ spats, sweet summer child. She tells him that she’ll always be sad if she marries the King. He asks her what is so lacking in Hastinapur? She wants respect. He’s like ‘I’ll give you respect. You’ll be the Queen first, and then the Royal Mother.” He promises to give her the respect due to a mother. But this lady is more ambitious than that. She wants power. Cut to Shantanu rushing on a horse. Devavrat is still eulogizing his still alive dad. Satyavati lays down her litany of woes. Regarding her still unborn kids. Further elaborating Canon Fail #1. Devavrat gets all emotional, again, and blames himself. She gives him an ultimatum: either his dad can live with him, or her. But he resolves to be a good son. Newsflash, bro. Wrong decision. But hey, he can’t be stopped. So he goes over to the Ganga (hello, mom) and cuts his palm. Ganga goes all red (with pain over her son’s bleeding? I doubt he bled all that much…) The skies follow suit. Clue enough that this is gonna cause all sorts of problems, but does anyone care? #Cliffhanger
Precap: Shantanu giving Devavrat the boon of dying at his wish, at the time he wishes to, at the place he wishes to, and at the hand of whom he wants to. He also confers the name Bhishm on him. Seems like a strange boon to me… (Also. Poor Arjun. Kid ain’t born yet, and he’s prophesied to kill Devavrat. Ouch.) Oh, I forget. This hasn’t happened yet. #spoileralerttoolate.