Sarcastic StarBharat Reviews- Episode 2: Pratigya, Iccha Mrityu, and a very long, detailed, boring part.
The episode starts off with Devavrat calling his mama to do a prakat and witness his oath. She doesn’t do a prakat, the skies are still all red-red, obviously this oath thing is not a good idea. (Sidenote: Neither elements of nature, nor characters in the actual epic are half the drama queens they’re portrayed as in this show) But no one cares, because plot. And the oath proceeds. Devavrat swears on his mother’s divinity, her purity and his father’s trust that he won’t be Hastina’s King, he’ll be its servant all his life. (Also. Mata Satyavati? That soon? Whoa. Dedication) Shantanu makes his horrified entry in the middle of his oath, which is one long oath. Anyway. Devavrat swears that he’ll give the Kingdom over to Satyavati’s kids, and for the sake of their future, he will abstain from marriage, from family and be a brahmachari all his life. For some reason, Satyavati is gaping like a fish. I dunno why. She’s gotten all she’s asked for, right? I see. She wasn’t expecting to. BTW, she’s looking rather horrified, too. Maybe she’s regretting it already… All this takes place to the music of ‘Dharme cha arthe cha kaame che moksha cha…” Should I assume it’s adharm? Probably. The waters of the Ganga begin boiling and shooting out like geysers. It is making clearer by the moment. Not a good idea. But what is done is done. Shantanu, idiot that he is, yells his son’s name after he’s done swearing the oath. He runs up to his son and goes “What have you done?” while Devavrat, quite coolly, goes ‘Pranipat, Pitashree.’ You gotta admire the man here, really, you got to. Apparently, Shantanu still wants to drown in self-pity, because he’s like “How could you take such a terrible oath (Bhishm pratigya)? You’ve forgotten that a gift too large is no pleasure, but punishment…” Dude. If you want to look for ways to remain wallowing in self-pity, everyone! Take lessons from Shantanu. I mean, what does it take for this guy to be happy? Devavrat, all Mr. Dutiful son, goes “No, no, dad, don’t say that! I haven’t given you any boons, just made sure the Kingdom of our ancestors remains afloat. I just pressed the delete button on all future problems!” Oh, dear. My beautiful summer child. You have no idea how horrendously you’re wrong. He continues in the same vein. “This is my duty as the crown prince.” Shantanu gleefully accepts it, saying, “Many people grant wishes, but few have the courage to accept it as duty.” He then asks for a chance to return the favor. Devavrat, who is a paragon of perfection here (which he is not in canon, so #canon fail 3, I guess) asks for the boon not to die until Hastinapur is ruled by Dharma and Samarth (talent) both. (In that vein, the King he dies for doesn’t have Samarth, afaik. He just uses his brothers’ Samarth for his purposes. But maybe I’m biased. Or maybe it counts anyway.) Cue the precap scene. He gets iccha mrityu and is also christened with the name Bhishm. Cue dramatic “Bhishm Bhishm Bhishm” music, followed by slow Bhishm theme.
We cut to a map. Quite a beautiful one. And focus on Panchal. We reach Panchal, where there is a crowd clamoring for the King to punish someone. Who could it freaking possibly be? Oh, shit. Shit. He’s Hastina’s Prince, Prince Vichitraveerya. (BTW, what kinda name is that?) Also, canon fail #4, I think. Vichitraveerya wasn’t ever this debauched in canon, afaik. Correct me if y’all remember something like that, okay? Also, this guy gets a swell intro for someone who’s about to be punished, flogged, I guess. That guy, for his part, is watching the proceedings with a super creepy smile. He’s accused of drunk entry into Panchal and the crime of setting farms ablaze, which is a more serious crime than manslaughter, apparently. So he’s sentenced to death. Oh, yeah. He appears quite unconcerned, stating that his elder brother will come to his rescue. And then he goes on and spits on the Panchal King’s face. Bravado. The punishment begins. And…an arrow cuts through Mr. Drunk Trespasser’s bonds. Bhishm theme! Bhishm makes a dramatic entrance. A trading of words occurs, to the theme of ‘Your Prince messed up bad, we were just taking advantage of the situation.” Bhishm comes with a legit badass line, “Raavan thought he was taking advantage of the situation when he set fire on Hanuman’s tail. Do not set fire to Bhishm’s hear.” Dude. Badass. Referring to yourself in third person a la “Danger knows full well that Caesar is more dangerous than he,” type, much? Whoa. “Stop me if you can.” Mr. Panchal King yells “Attack!” An arrow flies, Bhishm stops it in his hands, breaking the arrow. Behind him, the Hastinapur Army streams in from the gates. Mr. Panchal King tries to kill him by sleuth when he’s picking up his useless Prince. This guy smoothly disarms him and slaps him in the face for good measure. Mr. Panchal King, pissed, gives a shraap. “Bhishm! You will pay for what you did. The cause of your death will be born here in Panchal!” Bhishm just gives a look as he leaves.
Camera focuses on psycho Princess #1, psycho lady #2. Amba. I dunno why, for some reason, this adaptation is showing too many women as psychotic. Canon fail #5. Neither Amba nor Satyavati are this psychotic. Then follows a cringey love scene b/w Amba and Shalva. Before which the maiden sets fires to fields, and probably to her men also. Scene change. Camera pans to pathetic Vichitraveerya, who’s getting a lecture on the ills of alcoholism and the strength expected in a Crown Prince. He’s pleading for mercy as Bhishm easily manhandles him all over an arena, finally falling at his mama’s feet. Psycho mama fusses over her stupid kiddo. She scolds Bhishm for disciplining her son who had after all, only humiliated an enemy. Canon note: Was Panchal really Hastina’s enemy back then? Dunno. Bhishm is like “He’s a crown Prince. He cannot be weak.” Right, bro. Psycho mum: “You are his strength.” Followed by “A King’s body is like a golden chalice.” Bhishm nods. “But for the chalice to attain respect, it should be at the pinnacle of a temple. I only wish for Vichitraveerya to be like father, his name to be taken with respect in the people’s voice.” Rational, really. But psycho mama is having none of that, as she clutches her drunk and staggering kid close. And..skip. Because Krishna Gyaan. Wait, let’s at least know the theme of the lecture, yes? It’s about the duty of parents. Alright. Skip again. Precap: The Kashi Princesses are having a Swayamvar. Psycho princess is making eyes at Shalva. On the other side, Satyavati is asking Bhishma to bring the 3 princesses of Kashi to Hastina as brides for her drunk kid.
tagging @starsailororastronaut @butchcaroldanvers, @walburgablack, @iamnotthat because you guys seemed to like the first post.