#startoverstory

[thestartoverstory]

Who I am now

Have you ever had a moment where you realized you are so intrinsically different from yourself from a different time that those 2 you’s could almost be described as different people?

I have. It’s been within this year. Almost like I’ve woken up from a dream. I’m still me. Remembering and feeling the things I’ve felt for years. Holding the opinions I’ve had for, well, forever. And yet, I am such a different person from when 2019 started that, almost every primary aspect of my personality has changed.

I still suffer from my mental health, but I am in SO much better control of it. I can let my emotions out and, honestly, I just don’t worry about what people think of it. In some ways I’ve probably become more rude/insensitive but yet it matters almost none to me. I’m not focused on others opinions of me, I’m just focused on me and my health.

In some ways it’s weird cause now, I’m no longer looking for a relationship or validation of my feelings/thoughts, and I am having to learn how to tell people that. In others, well I am learning to be just me, the me I was raised to be. No more unsure/timid speaking, or metering how I interact with people, or even being a different person around my friends.

I am more confident in who I am and how I feel, and how I portray this newer ideal, but yet I don’t know where this came from. 2 months ago I was crying over my birthday cause I couldn’t handle the stress of people on a one day occasion. And today I am so far past that mindset.

Who am I? Who is this confident, unfaltering, openly sensitive, but yet strong in their speak/opinions, person. In some ways it’s almost like I’ve just woken up from a dream wherein I just wasn’t that person. In others I know it’s still me. But where did this come from. Who is this me now?

[thestartoverstory]

New Beginnings

I haven’t written in a long time. 

In fact the last time I wrote was about the beginning of 2020. The reason is 2020 ended up being a really really bad year for me and for so many hundreds of thousands of people if not millions.

It started not even three days after I wrote that post that my dog was hit by a car. He survived but he lost an eye and he’s been different since then. After that, a global pandemic started to come through and it could’ve been somewhat preventable but it wasn’t due to people. I didn’t get the disease from the pandemic but I did get sick in March and over the course of seven days lost a lot of weight. This made me weak and reduced my ability to work by a lot but that wouldn’t matter because, as soon as I was done being sick everything shut down.

Once we returned to work things were difficult because we had to wear masks, which I didn’t like at first but I got used to and I don’t mind so much now, but it was difficult with the job I do because it’s a very active job.

And then in August I made a decision that was huge for my life and started preparing for that decision. 

The worst was in September, something happened that I’d prefer not to talk about but I will say it caused a dramatic down spiral with my mental health. In fact it was so bad that I started indulging in a habit that I hadn’t in a long time.

This would lead to me confronting myself and coming to terms with some new revelations and making some major changes about me.

Some of those changes resulted in me not being as outgoing and friendly as I used to be, not being social as I was...

I needed to do this though because if I did my mental health would never change.

Then in October I got into a car wreck that shook the foundation of these changes and it only reaffirmed them more.

Now it is late 2021 and I’m finally at the precipice of that major decision. I’m leaving the state that I’m currently in and moving to a new one and it’s terrifying.

Last night I finally came to terms with the ending of my job to begin a new one and it’s been extremely difficult.

With all this said, the important thing is that I’m not going to change my mind. I’ve made my decision and I know I’m doing what’s best for me as much as it hurts to leave the people I have spent the better part of the last six years with and not about them.

It’s entirely about what I have gone through personally...

I’m going to miss them and I know there’s going to be times where I wish I hadn’t done this but I also know that maybe in two or three years I am going to be in a much better place.

Maybe I’ll be able to come back to it

Maybe I never will. I don’t know. There’s a part of me that already wants to change the decision but I’m not gonna do that.

It’s time for another round of change for me. It’s time to start over again. To reaffirm the name of this blog. This time it’s not because of a mistake I made but instead a decision and I’m happy about that even if I’m scared

[thestartoverstory]

Restrictions

I am in a weird place right now. I’m beginning something new with someone, but it’s not exactly solidified yet. I’ve known her for almost a year, but we’ve only just started moving things forward.

Here’s why it’s weird. I like her, and I care about her in a different way than what I’ve known love to feel like. I’m not in love with her and I wouldn’t say I’m falling(yet). It’s her well being, her growth as a person, and her self care that I care about. I’ve cared about these things before but they’ve been tied to intimate feelings and so it’s a bit odd to have them there solo.

I’m not constantly craving her attention. I’m not expecting compliments and affection. When I have her I want to be with her, but on my own I am on my own.

Usually atleast.

The past week I’ve been wanting to talk to her more, and wanting her to talk back. We are taking things slow for a reason, we’re both difficult people. But I’m wanting to move a little faster. Although, I know that’s not good for us right now.

I’m getting anxious, but also I’m okay with where we are. Quite happy actually. It’s not that I need to move this faster, I’m just used to it. So, I am in a weird place of restriction on myself. I’m trying to monitor my expectation and meter my feelings accordingly. It’s just causing nervousness that isn’t tied to anything, and I will admit I don’t like that. But that’s not her fault, it’s only the fault of my mind. I’ve got to get used to the fact that things are not always lightning speed.

That’s okay. I don’t mind. It’s just another step of growth for me.

[thestartoverstory]

Here We Go Again

Guess what, it is my birthday. Again. I hate this day so much. It causes me anxiety and stress. And thats just on a normal birthday for me. Today, well fuck today.

This weekend I'm working harder than I usually do. With more stress than I usually have. For problems that aren't mine but I have to deal with.

I had a lot of bad and disappointing birthdays when I was younger and I think thats why I always end up having a bad mental health day now.

The day doesn't mean anything to me. I don't like the attention. I don't do well with feeling obligated to act a certain way towards people just because I am supposed to feel well today.

I fucking hate my birthday.

[thestartoverstory]

New Year

2019, who the fuck knows what it will bring.

Although last year wasn't specifically bad for myself, I know as a whole 2018 will be regarded by many as a bad year. I had bad and good days. Neutral and indifferent. Days I remember, days I don't, and days I wish I did or didn't.

I've written here for 2, maybe 3 years now(I've honestly lost track) and as I go back and read each of my posts I plug back into who/where I was when I wrote them. I'm so different from the person who wrote the first post here, and yet I have full proof that person is me.

I don't know if I will write more, (or less?) here this coming year, but I do know one very important thing. I am changing and growing, and sometimes I'm inspired to write about that. What that means for the boy who decided to start over so long ago is yet to be seen. But I have positive hope for the future.

Have a good 2019 everyone.

D, 1-1-19

P.S. I'll be dating these at the bottom from now on. And yes the D before it is my first initial.

[thestartoverstory]

A New Start

So things came to an end. It was mutual; we both agreed we had some growing to do. This one hurt, and I still feel myself wanting for you, being pulled toward you. But it's not as painful as I thought it would be.

I'm finding myself wanting to move on, find new people. I grew so much with you and I am continuing to grow, but now I want to share that with others. I want to be myself again.

I won't leave you hollow though. I made a promise to you, and I want to keep it. You do matter to me still, and that promise does as well.

I can't lie and say I don't want a new start though. The idea of just backing out, and starting over, maybe with no one else or with someone else, is tempting.

[thestartoverstory]

Apologies

I am bad at being a normal person. I process emotions differently. I react to things in drastic ways. I internalize and externalize in the same moments. I take things out on the ones that matter to me and I can't seem to stop feeling like people don't want to be around me. I feel the need to say I am sorry for that.

I look for ways out and then push and push until I have a reason to make my escape. I have a hard time committing myself to one person not because I am unfaithful but instead because I don't feel like I deserve anyone.

I pick and cause fights and blame and get upset in a subconscious effort to make it easier for people to want to leave me. This way I can go about blaming myself more for my loneliness.

Worst of all I get attached to those I care about and when I cause problems like this I feel even worse about it. I hate the way I can't stop fighting people. I hate the way I can't stop fighting you. I am sorry for that.

I don't know why I am the way that I am. If it's one thing that broke me when I was young, or if it was a group of things over my life that brought me to this. Whatever it is it hurts me and everyone around me.

I am sorry for that.

[thestartoverstory]

Days That Matter

So I'll be upfront, it's my birthday today. That is great and all, right? I guess so. Birthdays fall under this idea that we as a society have created of days that matter more than others.

You put on a happy face and play along, everyone shows just how much they care, and everyone is happy. Just for that one day. The rest of the days of the year aren't worth the time.

And you aren't allowed to have a bad day on these days either, you just have to be happy until it's over.

I think it's bullshit. You want to show me you care about me? Check up on me on any day, not just my birthday. If you haven't spoken to me in 6 months don't waste your time on my birthday either.

It's just to show that you are thinking about them right? Not really. It's self gratifying, you would feel bad if you didn't say something on this day, so you do. And then you feel better about yourself, pat yourself on your back cause you showed them you care about them. Then forget they exist for the rest of the year again.

It's fucking stupid.