President Trump, You are Going To Have To Do The Unthinkable: Your Job
Welcome to a Late Show I'm Steve Colbert happy birthday everybody today is a big one because it is the 50th birthday the big 5 oh and I got to say earth is still looking good she's just getting hotter every year I mean even with the receding glaciers and put on a little water weight around the coastline and earth is having kind of a moment right now cause with people staying home the earth is turning wilder cleaner with reduce CO2 better air quality and animals roaming the city streets turns out the best present for Earth Day is the same as the best present for Mother's Day time away from her children just get all the unruly humans out of her hair so mother earth can sit in a bubble bath and watch Outlander now while human stay inside the world cities are getting reclaimed by the animals a Puma roamed the streets of Santiago Chile in India hungry monkeys have been entering homes and opening refrigerators to look for food and coyotes have been seen along Chicago's Michigan Avenue a coyote on Michigan Ave that's crazy usually what with the traffic they have to take Lakeshore drive so don't be surprised if you see a wild animal wandering into your normal environment oh God here's one now come here come here oh God is the wild snuggle spaniel he scavenging for smoke Jays oh who's reclaiming the earth from the humans you are art he loves Maine he loves this here bye no now you have to leave you can't just chew on the electrical cords out out go mush thanks Benny I might need a lint roller the chaotic the coyotes weren't the only wild animals doing their thing said was president trump who celebrated Earth Day by holding a tree planting ceremony or as he said we're doing something I love doing planting trees I've always loved it yes two things Donald Trump has definitely always loved manual labor and the thing we're fruit comes from trump finally got around to actually planting the tree here he is getting his exercise for the decade I've gotten a lot of practice at my press conferences every day I just dig that hole deeper and deeper and deeper trump also celebrated Earth Day by threatening to blow up chunks of the planet tweeting I have instructed the United States Navy to shoot down and destroy any and all Iranian gunboats if they're asked our ships at sea you read that right he's going to shoot down boats we must respond to Iran’s flying gunboats there just as dangerous as their flying carpets it's a whole new world a new fantastic point of view no what how's it go no no or where do you go don't you dare close your eyes what trump's responding to is video from the Navy showing that Iranian vessels harassed American warships in the Arabian Sea OK that's not good but why tweet about Iran now for that matter why in new ban on immigration no one can fly anyway right now you might as well ban mosh pits but I have a theory a theory I tell you about these random tweets trump's approval ratings are falling and 2/3 of Americans say he was too slow to respond to the virus disapproval of trump is spreading faster than than something whatever spreads really quickly if you're dumb enough to ignore it so he is desperate to change the subject and I’m not the only one who is noticed it House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said this yesterday ignores his own responsibility and assigns blame instead of taking responsibility paying attention to science recognizing the word of the role of governance and all of this to get the job done for the American people and so he's engaged in distractions like immigration distractions like supporting people in the street they're all distractions away from the fact that known fact that he's a total failure when it comes to testing Mr. President you may want to get tested because that was one sick burn trump fired back with an official response to the speaker lookout flying around in gunboats run for your lives sincerely president Donald J trump CC Jaffar here's the thing trump's attempt to change the subject to immigration or to China or Iran or do anything is not going to work one Republican close to the White House told Politico that messaging alone cannot solve the political challenge the pandemic presents for trump OK how 'bout messaging and sitting on my enormous dampers keister cause I'm willing to do anything as long as it doesn't involve doing anything the unnamed Republican predicted if the testing does not get sorted out as soon as possible it will be another nail in an almost closed coffin well that's an unfortunate metaphor during a global pandemic plus if you want to get trump's attention I'd say it's a nail in an almost empty chicken bucket trump's normal tricks he uses to change the narrative aren't working because it's hard to come up with a more gripping narrative than stay inside or you might die you can tweet all you want but it's hard to capture people's hearts and minds when they're worried about their hearts and lungs you can't have bill Barr redact the virus or call Ukraine to get dirt on Hunter virus or get Mitch McConnell to have 50 one Republicans vote that there is no virus you can't even pay the virus $130,000 to stay quiet which is too bad because this virus is definitely spanking your *** so if you want to keep your job you're going to have to do the unthinkable your job you know make America great again trump held another one of his coronavirus distracted phones last night and he tried to put a positive spin on how things are going we continue to gain ground in the war against the unseen enemy and I see light at the end of the tunnel I rationally see a lot of life at the end of the tunnel and we're starting the process so the light is getting brighter and brighter every day the light is also making a really really fun train noise everybody keeps yelling Mr. President get off the tracks but I'm staying focused on that approaching light it's coming pretty fast whatever trump is seeing in that tunnel certain states like Georgia or ignoring the advice of experts and starting to reopen already so he and his team were asked about how exactly that supposed to work safely have hair salons in nail salons and tattoo parlors where people where where is this is in Georgia where where people have to inherently be close together so if there's a way that people can social distance and do those things then they can do those things I don't know how but people are very creative yes barbers and hair style is just need to be very creative like duct taping hair Clippers to a couple of yardsticks or just submerging all their customers in barricade Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin the nun also took some questions during the briefing about large companies accepting small business loans and trump jumped in with his own thoughts Mr. secretary are you going to request that those other companies obviously Shake Shack was not alone in being a big company that got money in this region that money or we could pay back the money and they shouldn't be taking it they almost only going to see that means you'll naturally engineering they started doing it in Spanish yeah Harvard you know the deal you don't get to take millions of dollars unless you also agree to take Jerrod swell Harvard responded to the president's attack saying that it had not received any funds through the PPP but had received funds through the cares act to provide assistance to students facing urgent financial needs due to COVID-19 OK that's a solid Fact Check sounds like somebody at Harvard went to Harvard her trump was also asked about how the pandemic is affecting workers at his own properties your Florida clubs have had to furlough have you thought about asking her family members workers on the payroll to help him into the federal is around you not allowed to have the golf courses open you can't have the clubs open you can't have anything to have a lot of different properties but again my children run them and I love my children and I wish them well I look forward to comparing my numbers to my children's numbers I think I'll do better that's an insane thing for a father to say Can you imagine someone saying anything like that on their deathbed children gather round I just want you to know that I love being better than all of you look at my numbers you're human garbage end scene one guy who super gung ho about risking other peoples lives is Texas lieutenant governor dan Patrick lieutenant governor went on the TV Monday to make the case for states reopening their economies and here's how... 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