A double edged sword: The Pursuit of Happiness (by Steph Santos)
The question was, what brings you joy and what worries you?
Ultimately, there is the one answer to both parts of this. In fact, I think it’s the answer to everything: The pursuit of happiness.
As a young adult in today’s world, I often looked back at my childhood and teen years and thought damn, things were so simple then. And I do feel like they were much simpler days. But as of lately, I’m starting to think that maybe this nostalgia of simpler times, is actually the nostalgia of a simpler form of myself. What made that form simpler? I think that has a simple answer too. Younger me, although completely oblivious to it at the time, was purely focused on the pursuit of happiness.
So to expand on the first part of the question, what has brought me joy during this time we’ve been living? Well, it’s been the return to the pursuit of happiness.
I’ve not kept up with news or politics or anything of the sort. I feel like I have been free to exist in my own bubble. No FOMO from the motion blur around me because as it happens, the world halted and slowed down too. This allowed me to focus only on what makes me happy. I’ve also reflected lots and am aware that my set of circumstances allow for this. I have parents that keep a roof over my head, and put food on the table. I don’t have to worry about surviving. It’s not something I take for granted, I’m aware that I’m lucky to be able to prioritise happiness. However, before this whole pandemic, I didn’t embrace that advantage. I was somewhat caught up in the stress of showing up in the world, adhering to all these expectations and comparing myself to people. After months and months of feeling my mental being continuously overwhelmed, I pushed back on all of this at the end of last year. I booked a long trip in February with my best friend and had decided that when I came back from it, I wasn’t going to start job hunting, I wasn’t going to rush into anything. I was going to slow down and only say yes to things that made me happy. My parents wouldn’t let me go homeless or hungry so I had nothing to worry about. I wasn’t going to be pressured to ‘get my life together’. I didn’t want to compromise for the sake of looking good on paper anymore. No, I wanted to find and build something that I loved. Little did I know that the world would soon slow down with me in my pursuit of happiness. It felt like my younger years again. I picked the subjects I wanted to study, and then outside of that, I did whatever made me happy. No schedules and no expectations. It may seem counterintuitive given our society’s obsession with ‘productivity’ but as it turns out, this is the least stressed I’ve been since graduating, and the most I’ve evolved professionally and personally since university.
Which brings me to the second part of the question, what worries me? Well like I said, it’s the same answer. The pursuit of happiness.
With so many things that make me happy, how does it all come together? When will it all start to fall into place? Is it silly to explore all these different things rather than just get really good at one thing? But I get bored so easily, what if I do that and then start hating that one thing because I feel limited? Will I start feeling pressured again when the world picks back up? Will that pressure then force me back into the cycle of making rash decisions and ending up feeling trapped somewhere again? Am I even compatible with the world we live in? I mean, I don’t agree with so much of it. When will I have enough influence to make changes? Will I be able to build up to this level without playing by the rules first? Realistically will my mental even be able to handle that? Am I too much of a snowflake? Do I just need to grow up and get it together like everyone else? But then look at so and so complaining about their job. Is that how I want to feel in 5 or 10 or worse 20 years? They do have more life experience than me so maybe I should just listen to them... But then what if they gave up on their dreams too quickly? Or didn’t try hard enough? Or maybe they had to give up because they had to prioritise survival? But then is my advantage also my disadvantage? No that can’t be right, I know I’m a go getter. I’m just more specific about what I want because I can be. But what if circumstances change?
See how easy it is to spiral? One worry turns into another and its never ending. More interestingly, it’s the same thing that induces both the positive chain of thoughts, and the negative if I allow it.
So I go back to one thing everytime. I trust me. I know what I want from life. The same way there are unhappy people in the world and there are somewhat content people in the world, there are also people who are living out their dreams in this world. If they can do it, so can I. I’m wired differently to my parents for a reason. They walked so I could run. I have the chance to pursue happiness and I want to do it not just for me, but for them too. And if I run, then maybe I can give someone else wings to fly in their own pursuit of happiness.
