Welcome to my Hurt Me Once fic masterlist on Tumblr!
Summary: Steve Blade and Connor McKinley are in a marriage that’s slowly dying. And it's dying in the worst, most boring way possible: slowly and quietly, like a plant slowly wilting or a quiet movement of a piece just fading out with no fanfare. He's falling out of love with Steve.
He doesn't want to. If he could change it, he would. But he can't. And to make things even worse, while he’s falling out of love with Steve, he finds himself falling in love with his childhood best friend and platonic soulmate, Kevin Price.
Total Word Count: 215,072
Dedicated to @wherepoetswentodie
Completed on June 30, 2025 (my birthday!!)
The Official Hurt Me Once playlist on Spotify
Chapter titles & links fully broken down with (if applicable) connection to lyrics from the playlist below!
Chapter 1: Hate To Say That I Love You - The Prologue
"You always said that I'd come back to you again
'Cause everybody needs a friend. It's true.
Someone to quiet the voices in my head
Make 'em sing to me instead. It's you.
Hate to say that I love you
Hate to say that I need you
Hate to say that I want you. But I do.
Bad habit, I know
But I'm needing you right now
Can you help me out?
Can I lean on you?"
-Bad Habit, Ben Platt
Chapter 2: The Beginning of the End
"You came out of nowhere and you cut through all the noise.
I make sense to the madness when I listen to your voice.
Darling, only you can ease my mind.
Help me leave these lonely thoughts behind.
When they pull me under, and I can feel my sanity start to unwind,
Darling, only you can ease my mind."
-Ease My Mind, Ben Platt
Chapter 3: Wait for It
"We laugh and we cry and we break
And we make our mistakes
And if there's a reason I'm by her side
When so many have tried
Then I'm willing to wait for it
I'm willing to wait for it."
-Wait for It, Hamilton
Chapter 4: Somewhere In My Youth
"Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth
For here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good."
-Something Good, The Sound of Music
Chapter 5: The World Falls Away
"It'll be us, it'll be us and only us
And what came before won't count anymore
We can try that, you and me
That's all that we need it to be
And the rest of the world falls away
And the rest of the world falls away
The world falls away
The world falls away
And it's only us"
-Only Us, Dear Evan Hansen
Chapter 6: The Cockblock Performance From Hell
“I love him, kiss his mouth, prayin’
He can’t see what I see
When I close my eyes, you replace him
Wearin’ no disguise, you erase him.
I wanna feel guilty
I wanna feel that it’s wrong
I wanna know peace again
Wanna sing a different song.”
-Pushing It Down and Praying, Lizzy McAlpine
Chapter 7: Love's Unkind, Spiteful In A Million Ways
"Love is blind
Love can tell a million stories
Love's unkind, spiteful in a million ways
Love is crazy, love is often boring
Love stinks, love is pretty often debris
When you find what you find. Then
Never, never, never, never, never
Do it over again."
-Love Is Blind, Falsettos
Chapter 8: To See Through Glass
“If I could go back and the past,
Be a little braver than I had,
And bet against the odds,
Would I still be lost?
Even if I woke up in my dreams,
Would there still be something I'm missing?
If I had everything
Would it mean anything to me?"
-Wondering, Julia Lester, Olivia Rodrigo
Chapter 9: The Games I Play
"It's tough with love
Love's tough to show
Let me face the music
It's a song that I was waiting to hear so long
So long ago
I bet on the horses
I die by degree
I am sure his divorce is
A tribute to me
Ask me if I love him
It depends on the day
These are the games I play."
-The Games I Play, Falsettos
Chapter 10: If You Have To Hurt Me, Hurt Me Once
"If you have to hurt me, hurt me once
If you have to end it, get it done
You have all these choices, I have none
You're all that I have to lose
Couldn't hurt you if I wanted to
I've decided on you, I've decided on you."
-Hurt Me Once, Ben Platt
Chapter 11: The World Was Wide Enough
"Now I'm the villain in your history
I was too young and blind to see
I should've known, I should've known
The world was wide enough for both Hamilton and me."
-The World Was Wide Enough, Hamilton
Chapter 12: Sometimes Life Just Slips In Through a Backdoor
"And it's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true
And now I got you."
-She Used To Be Mine, Sara Bareilles
Chapter 13: The Eye of the Hurricane
"I'll write my way out
Overwhelm them with honesty
This is the eye of the hurricane
This is the only way I can protect my legacy
Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it, wait
The Reynolds Pamphlet."
-Hurricane, Hamilton
Chapter 14: There's Nothing Kind About A Hundred Small Betrayals
"Don't humor me with kindness
There's nothing kind about a hundred small betrayals
If you love me at all, you'll kill it now
If you have to hurt me, hurt me once
If you have to end it, get it done."
-Hurt Me Once, Ben Platt
Chapter 15: Baby, Let the Games Begin
"Knew he was a killer first time that I saw him
Wondered how many girls he had loved and left haunted
But if he's a ghost, then I can be a phantom
Holdin' him for ransom."
-...Ready For It?, Taylor Swift
Chapter 16: I Wanna Watch the World Burn
"My name is Regina George
And in case you're keeping score
Cady may have won the battle
But I will win the war, for
I wanna watch the world burn."
-World Burn, Mean Girls
Chapter 17: Turn It Off
"I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
And turn it off in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off."
-Turn It Off, Paramore
Chapter 18: I Believe
"'Cause you show something I can't live without
I believe, I believe, I believe
When you hold me, it's like Heaven coming down
I believe, I believe, I believe"
-I Believe, Jonas Brothers
Chapter 19: Love You Forever
“I wanna finish what we started in the stairwell where we met.
I wanna live like I have never even heard the word regret.
I wanna scream what’s in my heart and I won’t ever take it back,
‘Cause I love you feels a lot like high school and forever after that.”
-Love You Forever, High School Musical: The Musical: The Series
Chapter 20: To Love is Not to Leave - The Epilogue
"But I hope now you can see
What my mom and dad showed me
I'm not going anywhere
I love you more and more each day
To love is not to leave
So, hear me when I say
"I may not be wise
And I won't save the day
But look in my eyes
And know I'll always stay
And I won't run away."
The way the other elders say “ooh Steve Blade” when McKinley starts talking about Steve in Turn it Off sounds like he has talked about this story multiple times. Just imagine Connor bringing up Steve in literally any situation. Like one of the elders one day was talking about cheetos and Connor is just like “O M Gosh this boy Steve Blade LOVED cheetos :)”
My biggest headcanon for BOM is that Steve Blade was this really attractive choppy black haired boy who always wore long sleeved shirts with a short sleeved shirt over the top who was nothing like Connor
