“it’s been a long time.”
I HOPE YOU ARE READY, BECAUSE TODAY WE ARE DIVING IN AND FIGURING OUT WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE STEVE ROGERS AND BUCKY BARNES’ FRIEND WAY BACK WHEN...
so these boys were wholesome, and you had known them your whole life
ever since school, really
you had met steve first, and then the other kids started to bully the two of you and bucky was over in a nanosecond
no one was going to make fun of steve and this small child on his time
and, yes, you were small back then
wasn’t everyone???
even bucky was, for a while, but he had an attitude that was big enough to project strength
and he told you and steve many times that you just had to think you were big enough
it was all in your head, really
project power and you had it
and as the three of you grew up, bucky filled out to fit that attitude of his
or “big head” as steve used to call it
and you grew up too, but not as much as bucky
but enough that you wouldn’t hesitate to have words with people who tried to pick on steve
if you’re not a naturally confrontational person, you are now, because you are fiercely loyal and no one is going to insult your friends on your watch
bucky was secretly vvv proud, but also rolled his eyes a lot because you were going to get yourself killed one of these days, trying to protect everyone but yourself
and that was in junior high, when steve was still coming into his own
by high school, he was a tiny ball of rage that was ready to punch nazi’s in the nose
and then it was bucky AND you holding steve by the shoulders
“steve, no...”
“steve, yes.”
“no...”
but there were other important facets to your dynamic too
you would draw with steve
you and bucky were terrible at it, but you mostly did it to support steve’s interests
“what the hell is that?”
“it’s a drawing of you, idiot.”
“are you blind?”
“no, buck, i can see the resemblance.”
“why am i even friends with you two?”
“beats me.”
and you would read with bucky
it was one of his ways to destress
you would trade books and every so often, you would debate over which ones were your favorite
and both of them would help you cook
both of them were actually really good at it
and when you didn’t have a lot of food, they were always creative enough to put together a halfway decent meal
and then the war comes
and everything changes
and when you find out that both of them are dead, you can’t believe it
did you really win the war?
sometimes it feels like you were lost in it.
but you had to keep going, somehow
project power and you had it, right?
and you had scraps of paper that steve had drawn on, and you had a pile of books in the corner of your room, and you had two cans of beans on the shelf that would remind you of them
and you didn’t know what to do but start writing
steve, little but angry, wanting nothing more than to join the war and then finally getting the chance...
bucky, powerful but caring, wanting nothing more than to keep those he loved safe...
you had all their stories, here, in fading lead on worn paper
and part of you always hoped they had survived
sometimes you would get nightmares - that bucky had survived but was trapped somewhere horrible
that steve could hear his suffering but was drowning...
but then you would pray that your hopes didn’t betray your goodness
the last thing you wanted for them was to suffer
they had already suffered so much...
and maybe you see steve again, much later when you can see the age that you have always felt
and he somehow hasn’t changed at all
and maybe you wonder if he’s an angel come to take you away
but he grabs your hand and he feels like he’s here
and you give him some of the things you still have - scraps of paper and dog eared books
and maybe you tell him that you used to have nightmares that he had survived
and maybe you say that dreams about bucky surviving used to haunt you too
and maybe he shivers at those words, despite himself
...
