more depressive bullshit incoming!
I'm afraid of spiders, of small, dark spaces, of accidentally drinking spoiled milk, of birds/flying insects, of clowns, and of heights.
I've never once, in my recollection, been afraid of death, or of dying. That's supposedly the Ultimate Fear, right? But it isn't one I've ever had.
The things that I fear most, though?
Being forgotten. Having such an insignificant weight or impact on someone's life that I don't even linger as a small stain in their thoughts or memories.
As I've grown older, I've watched many, many people that I used to converse with regularly just... forget I even existed. Over the course of a single summer, classmates that I used to talk to all the time didn't know who I was, even though I still knew their names, their favorite colors and favorite subjects.
Forgetting. My memory has deteriorated, due to stress and trauma and medication side-effects. If I spend long enough not interacting with someone, without being reminded of their place in my life, then I can almost completely forget them.
Friends that I love more than anything, as they've just stopped trying to reach out, sort of slip through the cracks of my mind. I don't mean to, and I don't even really want to, but I forget them. It's scary just how easy it is, too. Makes me realize that that's probably how easy it was for everyone else to just forget about me, too.
I'm tired of being so unnecessary and unwanted, so easily replaced and forgotten. I want to be something that someone wants, and desires, to have in their life, but it just doesn't seem like that was something I was meant for. Because even when I am the one putting in the most effort to try, it just doesn't happen.
It's not like it's going to ever change, and it's not like I shouldn't be used to it by now. It doesn't really matter, anyway.
