#stillbrith

[lifeafterjanelle]

Day 4: Support Circles There were online articles and blogs, the hospital support group, and people from church, but I think the most helpful support person God put in my life the summer after was a college friend who happened to be living and working just minutes away for a few weeks. I called her one day out of the blue when I read on Facebook that she was nearby and asked if she would spend some time with me. There was no pressure, we simply spent the next few weeks talking and watching movies. After school started she sent this Disney piano book as a thank you for giving her rides and inviting her over, but I felt like she was really there to help me instead.

[lifeafterjanelle]

Day 3: In Honor Janelle Elizabeth was stillborn at 23 weeks in May 2014.

[lifeafterjanelle]

Such a Trooper

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Well...sort of," he responded hesitantly. "Her heart stopped."

"Oh, how far along were you?"

"About six months," I said because it sounded better than 23 weeks.

"I'm so sorry," she said as she held her own baby girl close.

"They've been such troopers," the pregnant woman added with her hand resting on her growing belly. 

Apparently people think that I'm fine, that I'm such a trooper, that this loss has just rolled off my back. The woman who asked the question surely understands because she is a labor and delivery nurse, but all of our "friends" around here and even some of our family don't understand that this hasn't ended for us yet. Just a couple days ago my sister-in-law asked if anything had happened because I posted something that involved grief on facebook! Really? Has anything happened; am I alright? Yes, something happened! No, I'm not alright!

I was not alright when I laid in the bathtub hugging myself and screaming because I was so tired of crying and just had to let the tension out. 

I was not alright when I laid on the ground repeating "I can't feel my face; I can't feel my hands" as I involuntarily curled into a ball because I couldn't relax my muscles. 

I was not alright when I was scared to go to sleep because I was afraid my heart would stop or I wouldn't be able to breathe.

I was not alright when I repeatedly called the doctor because of psychosomatic symptoms caused by anxiety.

I was not alright when I sat beside my husband deciding whether or not we should buy an urn for our daughter's ashes. 

I was not alright when I hugged my squirming cat tightly knowing that he is the weight of a healthy baby. 

I was not alright when I drifted away from my husband, when I wouldn't talk to him even though I was dying to tell him everything I was feeling but just couldn't find the words for any of it. 

I am not alright, and I just wish that people would understand that loss will never be made completely better. Janelle lived and she died and she will always be a part of our lives.