Life After Janelle

A Journal of Loss and Preparation for the Future

[lifeafterjanelle]

Day 4: Support Circles There were online articles and blogs, the hospital support group, and people from church, but I think the most helpful support person God put in my life the summer after was a college friend who happened to be living and working just minutes away for a few weeks. I called her one day out of the blue when I read on Facebook that she was nearby and asked if she would spend some time with me. There was no pressure, we simply spent the next few weeks talking and watching movies. After school started she sent this Disney piano book as a thank you for giving her rides and inviting her over, but I felt like she was really there to help me instead.

[lifeafterjanelle]

Day 3: What It Felt Like

Many people talk about how their stillborn child weighed in their arms just like a living child and how they miss that weight in the days and years after saying goodbye, but Janelle was only 5 oz. It struck me how little that is one day when I was starting a new yarn project and noticed that the weight of the yarn in my hands was 5 oz. I often give Ezra a bottle with 5 oz to drink. This Molly Bear made in remembrance of Janelle weighs exactly 5 oz. It feels weightless. 

I remember how physically light I felt in the days after she was born. Emotionally, I was in the denial stage of grief and was "light" in that sense too. I baked, I cleaned, I was was physically active. The weight of worry for her life was gone.

[lifeafterjanelle]

Five Minute Free Write: Paint

Last night was hard. Ezra wouldn’t go to sleep, he wanted to be held, he was needy. He cried over and over again to be comforted and held. Levi, being the good husband and loving father, went to him over and over again to change his diaper and make sure he wasn’t cold. 

I followed sometime in the middle of the night and saw him holding Ezra, rocking him, and it painted this perfect picture of God’s love for us.

Over and over again, night after night, we cry out to him for comfort and peace. He comes to us tirelessly. He takes us in his strong arms, cradling us so that we can relax in his peace like a precious baby in his daddy’s arms. 

[lifeafterjanelle]

Day 2: Who They Are

Janelle’s body was born May 3, 2014 at 9 am. She weighed only 5 oz when a baby who was growing well would have been at least a pound. There was nothing wrong with her body, she had all her limbs and organs and all our genetic tests came back normal. She simply didn’t get the nutrition she needed to be able to grow. 

[lifeafterjanelle]

Capture Your Grief Day 1: Sunrise Dedication (7:19am)

The sky was a beautiful dark blue that quickly gave way to soft gray, gold, and a touch of pink. Our back yard doesn’t give the best vantage point to see the sunrise, but it’s enough this morning.

Today starts my third round of #captureyourgrief this October, pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. It’s a time to remember, to dream about what could have been, to thank God for how he’s worked in my life over these last 2 ½ years, and to share in the stories of so many others who have shared in this strange and unique grief.

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[lifeafterjanelle]

2 years ago: You wouldn't know it from looking at those smiling faces, but we were only a little less than 4 months out from losing Janelle. We had been married for two years. We should have been at home waiting for our baby to be born or caring for a precious newborn. The "happiest place on earth" had its moments of fun, but in the end we were still lost, hurting, and wishing that life could be different.

[lifeafterjanelle]

23 Weeks Again

I can't function, and I don't know why. My emotions and anxieties have taken control of me. I couldn't go to my appointment this morning. It would have been the only one I've been to alone. I'm confident in this baby's health, but I just couldn't go. I didn't call, and I didn't answer when they called me. Every day I look at pages of pictures and updates from babies and children who are fighting to live or have already gone to heaven. I weep with their families for everything they've been robbed and thank God for the beautiful little boy I get to take care of every day. But what if something happens to him? What if Gideon is born with some abnormality or disease no one saw or dies before we can bring him home? I am an emotional mess. I have nothing left except deep sobs, but I still have two babies depending on me to take care of them. We've made it to 23 weeks yet again, and I miss what could have been and have little hope that we will ever hold another baby girl. I wish I had somewhere I could escape to, somewhere to hide until someone cares to look for me. I am pathetic.

[lifeafterjanelle]

Number Three

I remember seeing her head turn toward us as the tech moved the wand around on my belly. She looked like she was staring right at us. She was smaller than she should have been and tiny when her body was born. Our whole world changed that day. We lost our innocence that pregnancy=take-home-baby. We hoped and we prayed that Janelle would be born alive, big enough to come home with us some day, but she was only with us for a few more weeks.

I remember how different it was when we first saw Ezra’s body flash up on the screen. We could see his whole spine displayed perfectly; all those tiny vertebrae and ribs were so distinct I felt I could count them. He moved constantly, giving us a glimpse into his energetic personality that we see today. There was no doubt that we had a little boy, and we left with a confidence that he was healthy and a hope that he would one day be safe in our arms. 

In just two weeks, we will walk in to MFM once again. Instead of just the two of us with the sonographer in the dim room, Ezra will divide our attention. Things will be different, and I’m not sure what to expect. I am excited to see another baby moving and growing, but 

what if?

[lifeafterjanelle]

Anxiety

The waves beat against me, threatening to knock me over and pull me away as I stand in the shallows. The salt stings my nose and mouth as I struggle to breathe, fighting to keep my footing in the shifting sand. 

Just come deeper with me, he says. 

I look at him like he’s crazy. No! I am frozen with fear. 

Exasperated at my refusal, he makes his way back to me. Take my hand. You’ll be fine.

I decide to trust him.

Out here, I can see the waves as they roll in. We stand hand in hand and let them come, jumping to let them carry us together before we find the sandy floor once more. In time, I am smiling again, the fear no longer at the front of my mind. We sing and yell and play in the waves until we are exhausted and collapse together on the beach. 

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As my body realizes it is no longer housing a baby and hormones shift again, the anxiety has come back. It hits out of nowhere sometimes, in a surge. My limbs feel heavy and my head is light as my breath and heart start to race each other. Calm down, I tell myself, just breathe. Acknowledge the feelings and fears because when you fight to panic, you only feed it. 

[lifeafterjanelle]

Catching Up With Reality

When she asked months ago while I still had a ripe pregnant belly if I had any other children, I said yes. I told her I had a girl, and when I gave her age I used the present tense for some reason. I imagined my red-haired toddler welcoming her baby brother and how crazy life would be with two under two. 

Having one of each is great, isn’t it?

I smiled and nodded and for some reason chose to leave the conversation there.

Today she asked me where my little girl was yesterday when my husband brought Ezra in for lunch while I worked. 

Oh, she was actually stillborn, I said awkwardly. She would be almost two.

I didn’t realize. I’m so sorry...

I tried to make things better by comforting her, saying it was okay and that I didn’t mind her asking, but now I kind of feel guilty that I let her get tangled with my daydreams.

[lifeafterjanelle]

Did you know he would be a boy? The woman asks.

Yes, I answer but think, We were right two out of two. They don't know I am truly the mother of two. 

 The one beside me is filled with an unexpected 20 week baby, anticipating her anatomy ultrasound later this week and hoping that her feelings of "baby girl" will be confirmed.

Do I tell her? I feel for her, for me, for baby Janelle whose ashes sit beside her small stack of pictures. 

 I remind myself that she is not me.

[lifeafterjanelle]

One Whole Year

From a speck of hope in my belly to a beautiful three-month-old boy, you’ve been with us for one year. You’ve brought us so much joy with your bright eyes and giant smile. I remember lying on the floor in tears before I could really feel you move saying over and over again that I just couldn’t do this again. I wanted to pick back where I left off, but then it wouldn’t have been you. 

You have turned me into a semi-crunchy, babywearing, cloth diapering, silly mama, and I love (almost) every moment of it. As you’ve grown and learned, I’ve grown and learned how to be a new person once again--mother to a baby in my arms as well as one in heaven.

Let me tell you, dear one, that the joy of having you in my arms does not take away from the joy that was stolen from me before you were here. I often remember those last days your dad and I shared with you sister before she was gone--reading to her so she could hear my voice and daddy singing her special song.

Janelle changed us in so many ways. She made us parents for the first time. She taught us how to think of more than ourselves, how to fit a new person into our lives. She taught us the value of life and how fragile it really is. She helped prepare our hearts for you. 

One day I hope you know of your big sister and how she changed our lives just as my mother told me of the two brothers (?) I didn’t get to see grow up, but for now I will do my best to soak in every moment I have with you because life is fragile and oh so precious. 

[lifeafterjanelle]

5 oz

Such a small number that holds so much significance in my life: A growing boy who eats 5oz of milk at each feeding reminds me of A tiny girl who will never grow past the five ounces her body weighed when she was born

[lifeafterjanelle]

What a difference 16 weeks makes...

[lifeafterjanelle]

Waiting

This body has held two babies,   Yet neither seem quite real.

           A baby girl who held on as long as she could                Until death took her body from mine.

           A baby boy who still wiggles inside                While we wait for what birth will bring.

Now we are pregnant         With impatience (and hope and fear) For the unknown that lives          (Or dies) Around this bend on the road we did not choose.

[lifeafterjanelle]

Day 21: Sacred Space We've repainted and rearranged in preparation for Ezra, but Janelle's special place in the bookshelf is staying in the nursery.