“Welcome. Please, take a seat, make yourself comfortable. Tea? Oh, no, don’t worry, this won’t be made public. Why? Do you have something to hide?”
“You see that hair, buddy? Full of secrets.”
PART 1: THE BASICS
What is your full name?
“Ira B. Vaisman. That’s Vaisman with a V. No, Ira without H. And the B stands for Benjamin, and that’s with a-, no, not with a Y! Give here, let me write it down for you.”
Where and when were you born?
“In the 70′s, or maybe 80′s, and somewhere here, in England, maybe. Yeah, no need to squint, I’m as good of a fellow Englishman as the next guy, whether you want it or not. Why? Do I look Scottish to you?”
Manchester, 1979.
Who are/were your parents? (Know their names, occupations, personalities, etc.)
“Adults. Uh, my dad was a man, my mother was a woman, they were blessed with eyes and noses, and surprisingly enough, they could speak and work and cook, yeah.”
Yosef Vaisman, the son of a Manc clockmaker and a Manc clockmaker himself, with a tall and round body. And Rebekha Vaisman, née Perl, the daughter of a silk merchant and a merchant of love herself, with a delicate and dark-skinned body. Warm and loving, giving and selfless. A little weird, a little bit funny, occasionally very loud and always full of terrible jokes. Above all, proud.
Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like?
“Oh, yeah! Plenty! Have you ever been down to the harbour where they sell fresh fish? Ever seen the merchants press down on a fish ass and push out a couple of fish eggs? That’s basically how my siblings and I came to be. Grew up in one of those water plants, thirty to fifty of us, all looking like me, too. Honestly, I’m not even sure you’re talking to Ira right now. I might be David.”
Lilach, two years younger and the toughest little creature you could possibly imagine. She should’ve died three times in her childhood, but she survived each time, and each time her cry grew louder and stronger. Now it was as though nothing could ever knock her over.
Where do you live now, and with whom? Describe the place and the person/people.
“You ever been to St Maur? Ever met the St Maurs? Ever seen St Maur Castle? Yeah. St Maur. St Maur, St Maur, St Maur, that’s my whole life! Where I live and with whom. Big ass castle, many people, much wow. Not the biggest fan of my employers, so sometimes I stomp my feet real hard when I wake up in the morning; they sleep on the floor underneath mine, and I like to think it gives them nightmares. I guess you could say the people I actually live with are my colleagues, but truly, we’re more than that, we all feel like a big, happy family. Like back at home in my water plant with my fish siblings.”
What is your occupation?
“Footman. Thus the livery, buddy.”
Write a bit about your physical appearance. You might want to consider factors such as: height, weight, race, hair and eye color, style of dress, and any tattoos, scars, or distinguishing marks.
“Sexy, handsome, hot, irresistible, uh-... Magnetic, hard to resist, good-looking-, ah, kinda let myself down with that last one. Rather anti-climatic, wasn’t it? Anyway. I’m 1.86 in meters, bit more in the shoes they make us wear. No, seriously, look, they got heels! Ridiculous, isn’t it? It’s like they want me to hit my head on the door frame... Ah, yeah, my hair doesn’t make me look much smaller, I guess, true. Good amount of floof I’ve got going on here, quite proud of it, if I may say so myself. It’s, as you can see, brown and kinky, that’s because my mother was a black moor fish. My eyes are brown too. Lame, you think? That’s where you’d be wrong! Because’s it’s a sexy brown.
What else. Style of dress? You mean outside of this wretched livery? I only own one other suit. It’s brown as well. ... Camouflage.
Uh, I got plenty of scars, yeah, it’s hard to get through training without running into all sorts of mishaps. Here, that’s a burn from a tea kettle; this on my forearm, that’s a bottle that broke and I cut myself on; here on my eyebrow I got something of a crack from when another goldfish pal punched me with his fin, erm-... Well I got some other scars underneath all those clothes. I could tell you, but we got a rendez-vous later on, right? Wouldn’t want to spoiler you.
And no to the tattoos. I do want to get buried by my family’s side, you know. ... In the no-tattoo-section of the Aquarium.”
To which social class do you belong?
“Working, obviously.”
Born into the lower middle class.
Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses?
“Here, I want to show you something. Let me just take this coat off, there, now roll this sleeve up, here, okay. Now look at this. Hm-hm! Look at those flexing muscles, oh yeah! Does that look like the bulging sexiness of a sick man to you?”
Blindness. Not yet, not soon, but eventually. One day. One day it would all go dark. And if he didn’t make it that long, then because a bright flashing light had seized his brain and extinguished it once and for all.
Are you right- or left-handed?
“Depends for which type of activity. For you I might just be both.”
Left.
What does your voice sound like?
“Sexy. Uh, I don’t know. Deep. Bit rough, but I guess I’m making it sound like that. Not everyone’s allowed to witness the beauty of my sweet melodic lullaby voice. You gotta pay for that.”
What words and/or phrases do you use very frequently?
“Ah, see, I got into a bad habit of using Christian exclamations, or whatever you’d call those. Don’t know when that happened. I was really good at not using any of that ‘Christ!’ and ‘Bloody hell!’ stuff, but it kind of just really fucks. You can really spit it when you’re upset, all those consonants and shit. Good stuff, yeah. So now I overuse it. I don’t know, maybe I’ll go to France next and start saying stuff like ‘Sacré Bleu!’ Though that’s Christian, too, isn’t it?”
What do you have in your pockets?
“Why don’t you reach in and find out for yourself?”
Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics?
“I’m a footman, Sir. If I had anything that could possibly annoy my employer through repetition, I’d get sacked.”
Whatever habits he used to have, he made sure to get rid of it a long time ago.
















