Lead From the Back
I broke a few months ago when I was trying to “tackle” some of my previous traumas. It took everything from me, just like it did when it broke me the first time. And that’s when I realized that I never truly healed from some of the experiences that I went through in my life. I mean I had definitely recovered from where those places, people, and experiences had left me, but I hadn’t really moved on. Look - I’m not the “take it slow” kind of girl. And I’ve always been the kind you can knock down, but can’t keep down. In an effort to keep growing, I was always “attempting" to move on and I was always taking on more and more responsibilities (in every aspect of my life) to always continue that growth. I never wanted to stop…and before I knew it, I didn’t have a choice to stop, because there wasn’t enough time in my day to get everything done. Eventually everything became too much and it took me to my knees, long enough for me to leave my security blanket - aka my job - behind.
It has been more than a bittersweet experience - this go around. I’ll admit, this is the first time in my entire life (31 years in) that I have ever stopped and focused on myself. And I am definitely running out of money quickly, which is becoming stressful, but I’ve had more time than I’d ever get, just in these last few months, to actually think about my life…and my purpose. And in a time of feeling lost and unsure (let’s be real, I’ve got kids to feed), I somehow found a way, to find my way, back to all of the good places, people, and experiences that also happened. This time is breaking me in a different way, but having it has allowed me the chance to heal in a forever type of way - and it’s giving me the chance to REMEMBER why I am who I am, and it’s allowing me the opportunity to HOLD ON to the good memories and USE the bad ones as ammo - for my future growth, of course.
Let me break this down for you…The past is the past. And there is literally nothing that you can do to change it. But you don’t have to let it hold you back. Your past experiences make you who you are. They can take you and break you, or they can be what they are and mold you - and they can even do both. Let’s get real already…really what happened was that I recently gave myself the opportunity to become my very own version of Wonder Woman, because I gave myself the time to think. I’m not super impressed with where I am sitting right now, but for once in my life I stopped focusing on everyone else and started looking within myself. Through doing that, I allowed myself the opportunity to envision a few new possibilities about my past that I never saw before. I’ve been through some shit…and I have let it aide in the mass production of the 10ft high walls that I’ve put up over the years. I knew it wasn’t the most healthy way of moving on, but I didn’t realize how much I was still letting it control my life... And let me tell you, it has only made me more and more cynical over the years…which only hindered the kind of opportunities I allowed to come into my life.
Wonder with me, ya’ll...
What if the experiences that previously broke your every being somehow turned a page one night and actually became the experiences that built you 10 ft taller than most of your surrounding “partners”? Some of this world is ugly. And some of that ugly contains beautiful pieces that just need a little extra backup. We all wanna talk about change, and equality, and expansion, but we continue to look down on those struggling. Some demons aren’t very forgiving…and most leave you with a character change…but does it have to all be bad? Or can seeing the world for what it is actually give you some sort of advantage in life? Life is about choices; it’s about personal choices…and personal choices will always somehow impact another person’s life. And for some it might be impossible to understand that or to realize that…and it only takes a given point for one moment to change everything.
Like I said, through the healing process I found my way back to the good ones. And by doing that, I realized that life isn’t that bad after all. And I am slowly starting to realize that maybe it (being my past) doesn't all have to be for nothing. See, there are so many fucking things wrong with this world…and in my opinion it starts with everyone keeping their mouth shut about the bad things they have outgrown. And why? I seriously struggle to understand that part. Why does who we were have to hold such a heavy burden over who we are? Is it because we don’t forgive ourselves or is it because we don’t forgive others? Are we spending too much time only understanding the life we live, rather than trying to learn the lives others live? Is history becoming something we are trying to prove correct, or can the good ones find a way to rally their troops together to prevent it from reoccurring - with the vengeance it carries? If you ask me, we are all simply frowning upon the wrong type of people.
I previously mentioned that I was the Captian of my soccer team in my younger days…I played on the same team for a very long time and we all basically grew up together. Well, I started as a forward and as I got older my coach realized I was stronger as a defender. From there I had to learn how to lead my team from the back…rather than from the front. Years later…and I’m talking when I started my admin role, I watched my superior carry the same kinda tactic. See, the VP of my (previous) company believes in the very same thing - and I watched him lead from within the entire time I worked for the company. It’s weird timing but it took my very last “stance” at work for me to be able to slow down enough to remember how badly I broke when I experienced my first traumatic event. And that one event, at one point broke my very young being…and at that moment I had thought it would always be a broken experience…but today I am wondering if really I had just spent the last 16 years forgetting who I really was - because I never let myself get over that…I simply just stuffed it because I never had anyone to talk to about it. And eventually I even tricked myself into “moving on” into my next chapter…which was less than I was before I lost who I was.
Time isn’t always on your side. And when time is on your side, maybe the stars just don’t align. And it’s important to remember that some people live like that every single day of their life, because they never catch a break. And eventually people like that become bitter - even when they truly are good decent human-beings. Why are we letting it get that far? Are we giving the wrong people the right chances based on the wrong ideas of right and wrong? Are we depending on the wrong people in our most desperate moments, thinking we are “doing the right thing” simply because history (aka all of our past moments put into our previous times) says it’s right? And why are we thinking like that anyways? Would our present look so scary for our youth if we were really doing such a good job at doing the right thing? We are all clearly failing somewhere - because shit isn’t adding up.
I’m not trying to let my kiddos go out the way some of these other kids are going out. I don’t want that for my kids, or your kids, or our kids. Take it personal. We’ve all been through something that we aren’t proud of, right? Try to humble yourself here. Just because it isn’t something you are or have personally experienced, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist somewhere within the world, to another human being. And we shouldn’t be teaching out kids to only exist within their own world - because our world is bigger than that. And that is how we should be approaching every situation within every day, in my opinion at least. Can you slow down enough to think about it in every single moment you are in? Is your next move going to make a better - and bigger - difference? Or could the aftermath it might present be adding to part of the existing problem? And do we have to define what the exact problem is? Or can we all just believe that clearly a problem exists, somewhere within our world?
Having a voice matters. And it’s more than important to remember that sometimes voices don’t exist within situations, but they exists within other moments that are made by other people. Sometimes things are going to get blown to shit. And people somewhere are going to pay the price for it. And sometimes, the exact opposite is going to happen - just by chance. Sometimes, what you have been holding onto can actually be what saves you - years down the road; you just have to make it happen. And that may be impossible for you to realize or understand in the moment you are living in. Things got dark for awhile, for me. And they still are very much cloudy. But some days are getting better. And their is more laughter in my day than their previously was - even when I thought I really had my shit together. I have learned that I have a fucking point to prove…and it is something that I spent way to long learning...
You should never allow another person to take away your inner self. And that is something we should be instilling in our kids. We have to teach our kids to stand up more than they sit down. It doesn’t have to be led with so much anger. If the kind ones don’t stand up with their point to prove, the angry ones are going to start speaking up more and more…and haven’t we all witnessed enough of that? I know I have spent way to long sitting back and watching life play out in front of me to not start speaking up a little. And I am starting to realize that it has less to do with the hurt that I once wished upon those that hurt me and more to do with what happens in the future to those that still stand a chance - aka the good ones.
Keep in mind - just because people are smiling, doesn’t mean that they are actually okay. And just because someone is acting “a little crazy”, doesn’t mean they are actually an unsafe person. And people do deserve a chance to speak…because sometimes that is the only thing that they are holding onto in that very moment. Sometimes, that one chance was/is all someone needed to finally stand up to their scariest devil. And taking that away from someone is one thing…but simply not giving it to someone is another. And we don’t have to let the angry people be the ones holding all of the power. We don’t need more of that. It is seriously speading so quickly that our kids are paying the price at school - and I’m not okay with that.
Don’t be okay with that. Don’t shake your head at what you are witnessing at the world. Humble your damn self and remember what got you to the point you are standing in. Even the strongest people in the world fall down sometimes. And even the weakest shine during the darkest hour. If you can’t stand in their shoes, imagine that their existence is one that you have yet to learn..and in those moments, take a second to learn their life - before you judge it from a different perspective.
Know better. And be better. Just DO - fucking - BETTER. Oh, and leave your damn judgements at home, where they belong.
