Change Until Your Views Change
Can we all agree that it is time to change history, before it’s too late? Can we agree that kids are dropping like flys, at the cost of their young struggles - that are somehow so grown up all of a sudden? At minimum, can we just agree that change is imperative - or we are all doomed? Oh and that if we don’t continue to change, the change won’t stick...Think about this with me. As we get older, we become more responsible. We start to make “for better or worse” decisions and choices. We eventually try to put on our big people panties and take on life, so to say. With time, comes obstacles, and with obstacles comes viewpoints. Basically, we all go through shit, and we take that and create our own personal views of the world, of what’s wrong and right with it, and based on that we make personal choices of who we want to be. We try to become what we follow and then we try to stand by what we preach. And then we live our life like that. As we get older, different things start to matter in different ways and we go through different struggles - in some sort of fashion - and those struggles mold our very beings.
Get real - out of all the ups and downs that one is bound to go through in life, most prefer the good times over the struggle. But the truth is, we ride through the good times like they will always exist. Like times won’t change one day. But they will. They always do. Another struggle is always bound to come - eventually. And following that, there will be another way back up - at least eventually - if you try. Something got you to the point you are at. Some struggle, from a previous day, got you to the moment you are currently living right now. And those struggles are just as important, if not more important, than the good that you got from them. We live in the moment, or try to at least, and then we try to grow. And when we do grow, we slowly forget to remember the dark moments that got us there, for what they were actually worth. Coming from someone who was a previous fuck-up, it almost feels more natural to frown upon the bad. It becomes easier to hide the pain of what you previously went through under the progress that you have built. And it’s always been more of the norm to rep the good on your shield over the ugly. It doesn’t take a genius to determine that it's always easier to act like what is not currently in front of us, isn’t still existing. Over time, and for right reasons, we become so proud of who we became, that we forget to applaud our demons for the assist in getting us there.
Look, beliefs are an important part of every person. Belief systems make up families, communities, cultures, etc. People identify by them and some spend their entire life living up to their belief system. We even make beliefs based on beliefs and within other beliefs. And sometimes those beliefs are taught and sometimes they are decided upon. Normally, we either teach what was passed down to us, or we have a life-altering experience that makes us decide to go a different way. And that should be okay, you guys. In fact, it should be more than okay. Changing your views means you are growing. It means you are finding a new and improved way to look at life. You are changing, so to say. And those that change, prosper.
If you can’t tell, I am on this huge STOP with the judging riot, picket sign and all. It’s simple. People should be entitled to their own beliefs without you considering your judgmental vantage points. And that’s because there is a reason that people have the beliefs that they have. Something in this world, somewhere, built them to be there - for that one person. Flip it, just for shits and giggles - because it isn’t just the judgement. It's just as much that too many people have their own beliefs, and there aren’t enough people trying to understand the beliefs of others. And when you put both perspectives together, it comes with a dividing line of hate in the game of right and wrong. People deserve to belong…and they deserve to belong because people are human-beings, and they have hearts..and they matter. When we put walls up to keep others out, we do it based on our beliefs of what is actually right and wrong in our own eyes. And technically, there is nothing wrong with taking that stance…but what’s so wrong with keeping an open mind? Is it so wrong to think that you might be wrong? Or that your belief might exists within your realm, but maybe not in those standing around you?
We all go through different kinds of experiences, right? We all live very different lives. Hell, we all even live life differently. Think about all the different moments you have each day. Take it further than that…imagine all the people you see out each day…and each one of those people is experiencing their very own unique version of the moments in front of them. And even when people coexist within moments, they still exist differently. They are lived by the Gamer1 perspective and they are viewed depending on all of the previous moments Gamer1 has lived up until that current moment. I personally struggle with my pride game. I prefer to be right, and I get enjoyment out of proving a point. And damn does it hurt my ego when I am wrong. I will literally beat myself up (in my head, of course) for being wrong - even though I know I am bound to be wrong sometimes. Why though? What’s the point of doing that to myself?
Recently I’ve been recovering from a mental break gone sideways and I’m processing through some of the things I did, said, or believed during the time that I experienced off my medicine and without sleep, and I’m slowly starting to realize how wrong I actually was in those moments and about things that I could have sworn were real at the time - to the point it is almost humiliating. In those moments I didn’t understand how everyone else could go on living such a normal life around me when clearly everything around us wasn’t right…and in those moments I knew that I was right and that all of the things that I was seeing and believing were actually existing around me - which means it had to be existing around them. As I am picking up every single piece by myself, it is becoming more and more clear that what I was experiencing during those moments weren’t actually happening in the real world…but they felt real because of the traumatic memories trapped inside my mind - which I was the only one that had lived through. In short, my experiences weren’t actually happening around me in the way that I thought they were and others definitely weren’t experiencing the same moments that I was experiencing. And I’ve been struggling with swallowing my pride because it felt so fucking real when I was living through it. The more that I am healing, the more that I am realizing that there is nothing I can do to erase those moments. They happened and they are what they are and I can do what I want with them. And that is my choice. And my change. I am learning that what I experienced had to do with my mental health breaking and the C-PTSD episodes that I was experiencing from past traumatic experiences - and the people around that felt entitled to judge actually had zero idea what was going on…in fact, drugs was their first thought and that couldn’t have been further from the truth.
I am starting to believe that if there isn’t any way to go backwards, then I can only go forward. I am trying to worry less about being wrong and right…and focus more about the experience for what it actually was. And by doing that I am finding that I’m a lot happier than I previously was when I am by myself…Around certain people (like my family) I’m still secretly ashamed and embarrassed of what happened - even though it wasn’t my fault. Honestly, it is really sad. It is frowned upon to break. Breaking is determined to be weak. Falling apart is for sure a sign of weakness. And how fucking crazy for someone to see shit that doesn’t actually exist? And how could that even be possible, so stop acting like that already…right? What’s even crazier is that I used to be one of those people, in a different kind of way. I had never been through such an experience myself that I simply didn’t understand what it would be like myself and I definitely didn’t understand how it felt to live through something like that….and I never really though about how it felt to be someone that had to live with the recovery of having those experiences. I knew what it was like to recover from drug addiction, but that was a choice. Mental Health and Mental Illness exist and you guys let me tell you…they are very fucking real to the person experiencing them. And it shouldn’t matter if you see the why or the how or even the when. Hell, it for sure shouldn’t fucking matter who is right and who is wrong in those situations.
The truth is that most people go through things in their head that they would never dare admit out loud…and definitely not to a group of people out in public. But what if that could change the world? What if every single adult made the decision to speak up a little more about their true inner self - broken pieces and all? Could that leave behind the possibility that more kids wouldn’t feel so alone in their little beings and they wouldn’t feel they had to live through it alone in their own little world? Maybe, I’m not really sure. But I do know that I was once a broken little girl that suffered through her mental illnesses in silence because I never heard any of the bigger people talking about it themselves and that lead me to believe it was just a me thing for the longest time. I refuse to believe it is just that, though, and we all know that’s the truth. It also led me to believe that I wasn’t worth being wanted and I starting forming other assumptions that I was less than I actually was - and I did that because I live with a mental illness. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I stopped taking my medication and I had zero idea how fast the darkness would come swopping in. Trust and believe ya'll - mental illness fucking sucks. And ones living with it would give anything to get ride of it.
People shouldn’t feel so uncomfortable living in their own skin that they hide away from the world. And they definitely shouldn’t feel like that just because they suffer from something that a majority of their peers hide due to the shame they personally find in it. Mental illness fucking matters, you guys. It exists. It is out there, even if you haven’t been graciously living with it. And we have to make it matter more that it currently matters. The world should be a safe place to exist, even when we are surrounded by our darkest moments. And when it doesn’t feel safe, we should be able to count on those around us to feel better, rather than fearing the judgement we might end up encountering from them, especially the ones that end up witnessing our most broken moments. I can’t help but think maybe I’ve been looking at this the wrong way. Maybe broken is perfect and perfect is broken, even though that is far from the belief system I was raised in. And maybe those that wander really aren’t lost, but just searching for more than they currently have. And isn’t that the point? Shouldn’t we treat our views and beliefs the same? Shouldn’t those two things continue to change in order for you, as a person, to continue to grow? And isn’t that what we are all out here aiming for?
Back in my old junkie days, I spent a good amount of time in rehab facilities. And to keep it real, that is one of the safest places I have ever felt to be free - and me. and that’s because everyone there was also a little fucked up - just like me - and they didn’t have a problem admitting it. And that felt safe to me because I knew I wasn’t being judged for my downfalls. It was a safe place to get clean but also a safe place to heal. This go around I wasn’t on drugs, so my house was my safe place, which means I isolated myself in my own misery for a little bit. And that sucks you guys. I’ve lived in that moment. I knew I wasn’t on drugs, but everything in my life started looking just like it did when I was on drugs. I saw the judgement in the eyes of those around me..and trust me - I felt every fucking bit of it. And it hurt. I had to learn how to put up my own wall against ALL other’s and their judgement just in order to be able to get enough inner strength to put my life back together - by my damn self. So that’s what I did…one foot in front of another, day by day until I started finding myself again.
It is taking longer than I’d like to admit but I am starting to come back to me. And I am starting to remember who I can be and who I am under all of my armor. I had to lose myself - again - in order to find the newest version of myself - again, which only means that I am onto the next chapter in my life. For a minute I thought I was losing everything, again. And I wanted to give up. I was barley holding on. BUT - I knew I had been through worse. And I knew if I could make it through that moment, that I could make it through the next one. That’s all you have to do guys. Is just make it through the next moment. And remember that you are always a bystander in someone else’s moments - all the while you have no idea what they are going through in the life they are hiding from the world - and everyone is hiding something from the world. Try to remember that your beliefs and your views don’t always matter. And if they do, you should express them humbly and understand that they may not be received upon the way you wish them to be.
Don’t be satisfied with where you are at in life. Don’t be content and happy with the progress you have made. It’s okay to change your beliefs, and that shouldn’t come at a price. And it for real takes strength to look someone in the eyes and admit that the way you whole hearty believed was wrong and ended up being at the cost of others. People change. Experiences and moments change people for better or for worse. And sometimes you might have to take 10 steps backwards in order to move onto the next milestone in your life.And sometimes that means leaving behind everything that you have ever known - including your family - to believe in yourself more than you want them to believe in you.
Our scars make us who we are. Make them the new hot topic at dinner. The world isn’t a perfect place. But it’s a beautiful type of world if you can find the sunshine. That doesn’t come easy for everyone, so keep that in mind that your previous struggles could possibly be what saves the life of another in their more dire moment. Speak up about it now, before it’s too late. You never know when it’s going to be to late when it isn’t something you can predict happening.
Don’t be another Karen. Change until your views change. And then speak about your previous views until you change again.