In the TNG episode “I Borg” Picard had the opportunity to destroy the Borg, and save countless lives, but decided not to, do you agree with his decision? 🖖
the second annual definitive ranking of how gay each st character is, as voted by me and 309 of y’all!
like last year, we will be judging by each character’s GNC, or Gay (Not) Quotient, named as such because the higher your quotient, the less gay you are, and i like saying GNC.
the GNC is calculated by finding the weighted value of each vote (a single vote for steve in 5th place, for example, gives him 5 points, while a single vote for steve in 8th place gives him 8), finding the sum of all weighted votes, and dividing by the total number of survey respondents (310) to give each character a rating somewhere along the scale of 1 to 17.
so without further ado here they are, from least to most gay (for the drama)!
17. hopper, GNC: 14.35
guys i must be frank. i was a bit shocked by this! hopper came in last place in the last poll, sure, but this season he is 1. not longer a cop and 2. spends much of his screen time in prison with a bunch of other dudes, which i was truly expecting to turn the tides, but nay! it was not to be. sorry hop </3
16. joyce, GNC: 12.55
this is kind of fair i’ll be honest. joyce spent season 4 going absolutely bonkers in yonkers to get some dick and good for her!! good for her! but yeah ditching your kids and taking all the money out of your daughter’s college fund to fly to another country and break your boyfriend out of prison is very much heterosexual behavior. ignore that your boyfriend is also your daughter’s father and she would gladly give all her money for him back because that makes this whole paragraph way less funny and we are here for the laughs first and foremost. fair ranking for joyce but she is NOT heterosexual (derogatory) she is heterosexual (ally) and we love her.
15. erica, GNC: 12.54
y’all are RUDE. however this might be partially my fault for saying erica is homophobic in that one joke post. since then i have revised my stance because she puts little stickers on her face like. okay queen of camp. anyway i don’t think this is necessarily a bad place for her on the ranking especially considering all of the american bullshit but she definitely should have gone above dustin in my opinion. like have you seen him. what the fuck.
14. dustin, GNC: 12.53
okay so maybe i was being dramatic and there was literally only a 0.01 point difference between erica and dustin. what’s it to you. anyway dustin is like the ultimate wife guy and he will not stop trying to pressure steve and robin into heterosexuality which i think earns him his shitty place in the ranking. at the same time i must point out that literally everywhere he goes dustin Must acquire a hot older guy to be obsessed with which is presumably due to his lack of a father figure but could be interpreted as being a less than heterosexual tendency! overall though i think this is an incredibly fair ranking for him.
13. vecna/henry/001, GNC: 11.15
our man vecna/henry/001 had some tough competition and i think his crimes against gay people unfortunately counteracted his extreme gayness as a child. like he was a gay little boy but then he grew up and gained like. rupaul energy. like if he didn’t have superpowers he would have grown up and started fracking in hawkins. so he’s gay but like he’s lost his gay cred. yknow. anyway because of vecna’s fracking energy i think this is a fair ranking.
12. lucas, GNC: 10.88
i’ve gotta be honest i think lucas deserves to be higher he is Such a bi king. i think people are just jockphobic. or racist. i’m hoping it’s jockphobia. anyway i do kinda get it like he’s also a total wife guy like dustin but come on guys... he’s got style he’s got panache his girlfriend has a girlfriend... he picked up a pinecone in the woods..... anyway i guess this ranking isn’t Too bad lucas is just my special boy. and i love him. and he and max are bi4bi. <3
11. jonathan, GNC: 9.81
jonathan had the most dramatic backslide of anybody and it was EXTREME. he was in sixth place last year!! i figure it’s a combination of how severely reduced his role was in s4 and the fierce competition. like sorry but pretty much everyone in hawkins is so much gayer than him. fair ranking.
10. argyle, GNC: 9.17
love u rainbow socks king <3 idk what to say really besides that i am rooting for him and his goth gf! i think he’s definitely shotgunned with jonathan and also he would probably have gay sex with him just like as a bro thing if he asked. like i’m not alone in thinking that right like he would. anyway pretty solid ranking!
9. murray, GNC: 9.09
ah, murray. murray, murray, murray. king of making risotto, collecting russian boyfriends, and being joyce’s GBF. also lowkey he hopper and joyce are in a polycule. he’s come so far from encouraging teenagers to fuck in his basement now he’s a regular little housewife. this ranking is absolutely earned.
8. nancy, GNC: 9.05
sigh. i could be mean right now but i am a lesbian and feel an obligation to the ronance warriors to be kind in solidarity even though i personally find nancy to be almost unbearably heterosexual. i shall just say that robin buckley is so powerful she managed to override an entire season of nancy looking at steve like she wants to eat him and that’s pretty incredible. slightly too gay but not entirely unjust ranking.
7. el, GNC: 8.76
so. objectively my girl el is quite high in the ranking. BUT!!! el hopper did not say “if you touch her again i will kill you again” and then LITERALLY RESURRECT MAX WITH PURE WILLPOWER for y’all to put mike above her. i am horrified. this is misogyny in action. every single person who put mike above el will pay for their crimes. but yeah overall it’s not a bad ranking.
6. mike, GNC: 8.56
i need you all to know that mike moved up a place since last year which i think is. insane after what transpired in s4. like i don’t even know what to say. i’m so sick of running as fast as i can wondering if i’d get there quicker if i was a man. by which i mean this spot should be el’s. what the fuck.
5. max, GNC: 6.95
maybe it’s her depression + kate bush + dumping her boyfriend + asking el “are you real? did i make you?” + breaking out of vecna’s hold thinking about when el dumped mike + listening to music all the time era. maybe it’s maybelline. i’m so proud of my baby girl <3 i thought maybe with all of the lumax this season people would forget about her but they haven’t... she did drop two places but i think that’s understandable considering her competition. incredibly appropriate ranking!
4. steve, GNC: 6.55
king steve more like QUEEN steve amirite!! yes i used that exact same joke last year but steve has moved up a place and i think it is more appropriate than ever. it’s also very impressive after all of the s4 stancy nonsense! that’s the power of beaming at lesbians and dreaming about being a stay-at-home mom and wearing another man’s vest and nothing else for far longer than necessary. also the power of staring at said man’s lips while he’s telling you to get back together with your ex-girlfriend. impressive ranking i’m so proud of him he’s come so far <3.
3. eddie, GNC: 4.55
don’t worry eddie i saw your gay little bandana and so did everyone else who took the poll. i think eddie absolutely earned his third place spot and i’m so happy for him. he did not spend all of his screentime with steve smiling at him and flirting with him and leaning into his personal space and calling him BIG BOY for anything less! he also didn’t flail and prance around limp wristedly for nine episodes straight for anything less. like i cannot emphasize enough that even if he never interacted with steve eddie would still be So incredibly gay. he’s bitchy he’s theatrical everything he does is camp and i’m so glad we’re all on the same page about that. excellent ranking.
2. will “lil homie gay ass” byers, GNC: 3.61
i mean. yeah. duh.
and now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. our winner is…
1. robin “threw the first brick at creelwall” buckley, GNC: 2.89
our girl has done it again! it comes as no surprise but i am still so proud of her <3 literally invented lesbianism invented throwing bricks invented believing in bigfoot and aliens invented autism invented crushing on the girl who sits next to you in band invented wearing button-ups ties suspenders vests and blazers with converse in everyday outfits invented not wanting to wear a bra invented uhhhhh watching movies for the hot girls in them. robin buckley you will always be famous.
also in reviewing the data i’ve realized that about thirty of you did your rankings backwards and i am assuming this because about thirty of you ranked robin as the least gay character. so. those of you who did that you’re dumb as hell and i am bullying you for it BUT robin would probably still love you because she loves steve our dear little himbo so <3
