I'm back again with my new coping mechanism!
Hahahahaha. I can't believe this. I feel so childish and immature but feelings are feelings regardless what we want them and, as much as I can grumble about, my feelings are my own and tell me my own story.
I can't believe the gall of some parents. They treat you like crap for the majority of your life, leaving you in the mud questioning why they brought you into the world if the only they provided was suffering and the beck of control and turn around when they want and treat you with fucing basic decency. Did they want to play God in a world that denied them autonomy and respect? Or did they desperately want a family to love and love them in turn?
Idk. I don't think I will ever get an answer for my own accord. To do so implies a level of work and vulnerability none but your own self can evoke and even then, sometimes you destroyed things so badly there is nothing left there but rubble.
I found my answer, my reason of being you can say. I want to live, I want to be happy, enjoy life and and if that means that I can't give a place in my heart to someone whom I love the dearest in the world then so be it..
There is no happy ending to abuse. Because I can pretend and mumble around, but the people I loved the dearest abused me, neglected me leaving me syphoned inside out and it was me who picked the pieces. It was me who took it all and built myself anew.
Me.Me.Me.
It hurt and it sucked but I can say I'm better. I picked what I want to keep and the baggage I threw out. I just wish that they could have done it too. That they would have sat down before bringing me into this world wondering if they could give what it was demanded.
Because they would have saved me a lot of trouble. But I'm here and I'm learning how to be ok
