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wildflower {four}

What happens when you start to fall out of love with your husband? What happens when that husband is Kim Namjoon?

pairing: idol husband Namjoon x reader

tag / warnings: none really, just minor mentions of alcohol and drinking

author note: thank you for the continued support!! <3

I wasn’t sure what was worse; living in a fever dream of a marriage or living in a silent one. Since the night Namjoon found out truly how I had been feeling and that I believed we no longer should be together anymore, our daily lives had started to shift and it really was starting to bother me in a way I wasn’t quite sure why. I still put Yumi’s needs before everything - stuck to my routine of cleaning, cooking and caring for my daughter practically alone - but now the days dragged on even longer than they ever had before and Namjoon would not talk to me.

It wasn’t that I’d overtly tried to talk to him either, but it was very clear that he was avoiding me at all costs. In the past month I’d maybe caught a glimpse of his face a handful of times but only in passing and it was making me uneasy which only bothered me more.

Wasn’t this exactly what I wanted?

Why did it suddenly feel like I was even more isolated than before?

The mornings were early and the nights were late and on the days where Namjoon couldn’t be at the label, the studio door was kept locked tightly shut with him hunkered down inside. He never came to bed after that confession and instead resolved to sleep either at one of the boys' places or in the studio if they forced him to go home. I only knew of that fact because, despite the ever growing abyss that was sucking me and my husband down into it, I still was on fairly good terms with the rest of the men in my life.

“You know,” Yoongi said after we’d just gotten coffee at our favorite spot. The cafe, Cafe Cache, was only known to those who had stumbled upon it. If you didn’t know it was there you never would have even seen it since it was tucked beneath an overhang of ivy, the faded green door blended in so smoothly it was as if it wasn’t even there at all. We’d stumbled upon it one day after Yoongi and I decided to try every coffee spot in town to decipher which pot would ultimately win and be dubbed the best. It had been a happy accident of myself tripping over a root in the tree blocking the front of the shop and stumbling into the worn in door. We’d been going there ever since his late debut days to the point the shopkeeper knew our orders by heart.

I had not been all that surprised to see Yoongi’s name pop up on my phone a few weeks into Namjoon’s late night charade and I begrudgingly answered despite the fact that I knew he was going to force me out of my cocoon of solitude to talk. “You really should just have an actual conversation with him.” He continued as we soaked up the warmth of the cafe. The bitter air outside was matching my attitude toward this entire conversation and the fact that Yoongi was making me face the very things I had been worried about facing was making it even worse.

“Been there, done that.” I rolled my eyes as I waved him off and Yoongi frowned at me in his signature pouty style. Despite Namjoon’s insistent need to keep everyone away from me, he’d always liked how close I was with some of the members of the group. I’d known them all for as long as I could remember since I’d been with Namjoon for just about longer than that. Particularly Yoongi and I had gotten the closest out of the bunch for his love of my homemade japchae during the later part of their trainee days when I would send some back to the dorm with Namjoon and for our sarcastic tendencies when around all the members. Because of our close relationship he knew he didn’t have to mince words with me, he could tell it to me straight and he, above all else, could be trusted to have my best interests at heart.

“You know what I mean.” He retorted back, never missing a beat. Yoongi could always be counted on to pull me out of my head and make me actually talk about things for a change. He was one of the people I held most dear in my life for so many reasons but mostly because, aside from what Namjoon used to be, he was my best friend. “Quit the cat and mouse game. Just go and talk to him. Really talk to him.” Being as blunt as ever, I couldn’t help but sigh at his response. I knew he was right and it pissed me off.

“Yoongi, I tried. Literally just that. And it didn’t work.” We found ourselves at the counter bar, mixing our drinks to their desired taste, and I immediately grabbed a handful of sugar packets, my ever growing sweet tooth taking over the better part of my brain. My hands were slightly shaking as Yoongi began to talk, sighing as he stirred a small amount of milk into his black coffee. It wasn’t that I didn’t want his advice but the more we talked about Namjoon the more I was starting to really lose it and could feel myself getting more and more frustrated at the situation I had created for myself.

It wasn’t as if my feelings had suddenly changed again and it wasn’t as if I was having a change of heart, but the more and more Namjoon avoided me the more and more lonely and frustrated I felt. If I thought him being away was bad, having him right down the hall was even worse. Especially when it was all radio silence; static that was making me go crazy.

“No, you both are being foolish and full of emotion. Be more pragmatic about the issue.” He paused to sip his coffee and to avoid my eyes as he continued. “You know, whatever that issue may be.” He shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal, as if this whole situation wasn’t making me completely feel like a dying star caving in on itself.

“Oh please,” Stirring the seventh packet of sugar into my cup, I couldn’t help but frown looking back down at my cream colored liquid. “Don’t act like you don’t know exactly what was said. I know he tells you just about everything.”

“Then,” He swatted my hand from grabbing the next packet of sugar and really looked at me. It was still odd and a little jarring to see him so genuinely interested in a topic that involved my love life to this day since most thought Yoongi was cold and calculated in every situation but that wasn’t necessarily the case. At least, not with the people he cared about. “You know that I’m right.”

I let out a sigh I didn’t know I had been holding as I contemplated his words. “Why can’t he come and talk to me then? Huh? You know all this is his fault.” I retorted, sullen and mad that Yoongi was trying to get me to go to Namjoon when what I really wanted was for him to come to me. Why was this so hard? Why would my husband not talk to me? Despite the fact of the words that were exchanged, I wanted to feel like he wanted to fight for me at least. Especially after the words that were said, how he begged me not to leave and I did just that - stayed. Why wasn’t Namjoon fighting for his family?

“All this fault? Please. You’re smarter than this.” He ticked disapprovingly at me while he shook his inky haired head and we began to exit the tiny cafe, avoiding all the tree roots in the process. “You could have spoken up more about how you were feeling. Don’t solely put the blame on one person. To me, the way I see it, is you both are just being hard headed. You both clearly love each other otherwise you still wouldn’t be at the apartment. You’d be at your parents house in Mokpo and Namjoon would be selling the apartment to get rid of the memories. But,” He continued as we walked, the bitter cold making the warmth from the coffee cure our shivers. “You both are still there for the most part. You both are still being stubborn. And you both,” He sighed, clearly done. “Are annoying the shit out of me.”

“Hey,” I laughed a bit as we came to a stop on the side of the street to rest on a park bench. “You’re the one that dragged me out of a perfectly good solace thank you very much.”

We had been walking for a few minutes to our favorite park and as we sat down so many memories were flooding back. I couldn’t help but relive the details of Yoongi and myself discovering this bench the first time we’d decided it would be a good idea to gorge ourselves on all you could eat gogi and the mess we’d gotten ourselves into, it seemed, after we’d eaten so much to the point we were both sick. This bench had seen everything; from me crying on his shoulder when I found out Namjoon would be leaving for the better part of two years, when I found out I was pregnant and was too scared to tell anyone other than Yoongi, when we’d been so drunk we couldn’t walk and kept laughing over the dumbest of things, almost puking behind it before calling a taxi to go home. It appeared that, with everything going on, I’d been in much more of a hazy and fogged state than I had realized with all the dusty memories deciding to resurface lately. It seemed that no matter how much I wanted to forget so many things from the past and move on, they were going to catch up to me no matter what.

It was still so odd to be sitting there with him despite the fact that I felt total comfort at the same time. I hadn’t seen him in so long and I forgot that Yoongi had this way about him that always made me feel welcome which used to shock the other members since he never really showed an interest in any of the girls the members brought home over the many years. I was different though, he had said, and that made my heart soar every time we were around each other. It was also quite jarring that Namjoon supported our close friendship. He didn’t mind that we would talk on the phone, texted constantly, and would go on outings like this where we just talked about life.

“Eh I wanted to check in. You know,” He sighed deeply this time and studied my face before offering a gummy smile that made my insides thaw. “Namjoon isn’t my only friend. You’re my friend too.”

“Aww, how sentimental. Are you growing soft on me Yoongs?” He rolled his eyes at me before the smile on his face disappeared into his deadpanned one.

“Shut up and drink your diabetes in a cup.” The banter continued like that for sometime while we sat on the bench long after the sunset like two old men on a porch swing; staring into the silent lives of all the people that passed us, contemplating who was going where, what they were doing and who, we wondered, were they going to meet.

Later, when Yoongi was called away to deal with his own life and I’d sat on the bench much longer than intended, I stalked home begrudgingly. It was odd, the sensation I had in the pit of my stomach as I trekked down the hallway towards the studio door only to find it open. It was as if butterflies were trying to use their fluttering wings to cut through my stomach lining. Where was Namjoon lurking if not in the studio? I was finding myself too nervous to find out when I heard something from within the apartment.

“Hyung, what am I supposed to do?” The voice startled me since it had been four weeks since I had heard it and I jumped unknowingly as my body continued to betray me.

“You know what you’re supposed to do Namjoon, why are you asking me?”

“Because...because I still love her and she wants nothing to do with me.”

“Aish,” I heard Seokjin say under his breath. I would know that voice anywhere and it appeared that Namjoon was residing in the kitchen with him. “You are so frustrating. Just go and talk to your wife.”

“But she wants nothing to do with me! She made that very clear. What is there even to say? Oh let’s get divorced? No, absolutely not. I won’t accept it. I will not talk to her because that is what she’s going to say and I don’t want that.” Something irked inside of me at the mention of divorce. It loomed over my head like a rain cloud out of nowhere and it really bothered me in a way that made me nervous. What was wrong with me?

“Have you ever even considered that this isn’t about what you want?” Seokjin sighed again, exasperated. “What did she tell you, huh? That she didn’t know herself. That she couldn’t be with you because you are always gone and you feel like a stranger to her. She didn’t mention divorce.”

“But she did say we shouldn’t be together.”

“And look,” He paused slightly. It sounded as if he was stuffing his face full of some kind of food. “She’s still here isn’t she? And besides, if you actually love her then get off your ass and go and talk to her. Fix this issue. You don’t want to be a stranger to her? Then don’t be. It’s pretty simple really. Now,” He paused. “Pass me that kimbap.”

Feeling as though I had just heard a very private conversation I tried my best to sneak past the kitchen unseen but, as luck would have it, I failed tripping over one of Yumi’s forgotten toys.

“Look who it is!” Seokjin yelled, making me jump in the process as he clapped his hands together. My eyes met Namjoon briefly and I could tell from across the room that his face was flushed a light crimson color as if I’d just pounced in on their conversation which he was flustered about. Which, despite the fact that I unintentionally did, was jarring to me. Who was Namjoon becoming that he got so easily embarrassed by my presence? “Come and eat!”

“It’s okay,” I tried. “I don’t want to impose-”

“Don’t be like that. I haven’t seen you in a year, get in here.” Truth dripped from his mouth in a way that made me feel so sullen that I entered the kitchen despite not wanting to necessarily be around Namjoon. They were sitting opposite each other at our kitchen table and gorging themselves on a variety of foods it seemed; laughing and talking before things got serious I could tell since there were soju bottles lining the edge of the table.

“I forgot how loud you could be.” I meant to think it but instead it came out of my mouth a bit louder than I would have liked and Seokjin nearly spit out his drink everywhere from laughing. I had forgotten how exuberant he could be, especially when slightly intoxicated, and it made me smile. Namjoon was looking dead at me as this all occurred and it made those pesky little butterflied kick back up at full speed. Being in the same room with him after so long of not even seeing his face was making me overheat and I felt flushed for some odd reason.

What was happening to me? I thought I didn’t want anything to do with him and yet, after seeing Yoongi and now Seokjin, my mind could only process one thing: how good it felt to have them all back around me.

“What are you guys eating?” I asked timidly.

“My homemade kimbap and some kimchi my family sent me. Now,” He patted the spot next to him that was across from Namjoon as he pushed a bunch of empty snack bags out of the way. Shaky and nervous I made my way towards him. “Sit next to me. Let’s drink!”

It didn’t slip by me when I sat down that Seokjin shot Namjoon with a knowing look before jerking his head in my direction. If I was a different person, maybe I would have initiated some kind of conversation, but with Namjoon and Seokjin both looking now in my direction it left me speechless.

“Hey,” Namjoon started, grabbing a bottle of my favorite flavor soju and cracking it open. I watched as he grabbed an empty cup, pouring it full to the brim before handing it over to me. I took it without hesitation, figuring getting a little drunk might take the edge off, and shivered slightly as our fingertips brushed. He was blushing again I could see and I was mostly certain it wasn’t just from the alcohol.

“Excuse me guys, duty calls.” Seokjin interrupted lifting himself up from the table and walking down the hall and towards the bathroom. I waited until he was fully gone, hearing the click of the door for good measure, before I mustered up the courage to look directly at Namjoon. He was sitting there, face unshaven and scruffy, hair a total mess, a stain on a white tee he was wearing that showed off his newly acquired arm muscles and, my God, did he look so unbelievably attractive.

“Hey,” I managed back a beat too late. Namjoon just scratched the back of his head before he pushed the plate of kimbap towards me.

“Please eat.” He said quietly. “It’s delicious.”

“I bet.” The small talk, as few words spoken as we both could manage, was already killing me. Being in this proximity of him was heating my face and body to a degree that was making me squirm underneath his stare. I took a shot of my drink before looking up at Namjoon again. The liquid hit me like fire and I was hoping it would give me the courage I needed to get through the rest of this interaction.

“Jin helped me put Yumi to bed.” I nodded, chewing the newly acquired food without thought. “She went down really easy.”

“That’s good. Maybe she’ll actually sleep tonight.” Bitterness set back in as I looked at him. Earlier I had dropped Yumi off at her school before going out with Yoongi, only sending Namjoon a simple text informing him that he would be responsible for picking up our daughter since I had plans. He hadn’t responded which only made my furry grow more. Lately it felt very much of the same. It was as if Namjoon was a completely different person living in our apartment and entirely separate from our family. He didn’t eat with us, he didn’t play with Yumi and he certainly didn’t put her to sleep. It was as if I was still a single parent even though I had a husband who was just down the hall.

“I’m sorry,” Namjoon admitted, looking down at the empty tin foil that sat in front of him. I couldn’t help but tilt my head to the side as if confused by his sudden confession until he continued. “I know I haven’t exactly been the best of help lately.”

No you haven’t, I wanted to say. Instead I just shrugged. “I’m used to it.” I didn’t miss when he winced at my words but I also wasn’t sorry I said them. It was just simply a fact.

“How was your outing with Yoongi?” He changed the subject when he realized that talking about our daughter was only going to result in a fight. When it came to her I couldn’t help myself; I was extremely overprotective. Having taken care of her by myself for all these years had really ingrained that in me whether I wanted to be or not.

“Good,” I nodded; my lips widening at the thought. “I missed him.” I confessed just now letting it hit me just how much I had missed him. The year had been so lonely and even though we would message, Yoongi was very busy and couldn’t always get back to me. It would be pretty safe to say I’d slipped in and out of my depressive episodes and would ignore my phone for weeks. Perhaps that’s why I’d gravitated towards Sujin at first; out of loneliness. We’d become easy friends out of convenience at first and it blossomed from there. He was filling the void in me that I didn’t know I needed filled until he was there, answering my calls late at night, letting me vent about my marriage, letting me just be me with my daughter without the pressures of having an idol husband and friends.

“I’m glad you could see him then.” He was smiling at me in a way that made my stomach and insides churn with thoughts I was trying my best to suppress. I watched as he took another shot of his drink and I followed suit, downing the whole mass of liquid. I reached for the bottle, filing my glass again before downing the whole thing one more time. I needed this. I needed to get these words out of my mouth.

“Namjoon,” I tried, picking at my hands again as I started to change the subject.Thanks to the flavorful liquid I finally had found some burst of courage and I wasn’t about to let it slip by me. The small talk was killing me to the point I couldn’t take it anymore and all I wanted was answers. I could feel his eyes on me as I continued to pick my hands but Namjoon made no motions to try and stop me this time. “Do you think this is working?”

“Is what working?” He asked slightly puzzled, hands knotting together as he looked at me.

“Us.” There was a long pause in which the quiet hum of the air purifier filled the silence that came from him until he finally spoke.

“If I’m being totally honest,” He sighed, running his hands through his hair. He looked so beaten down and tired that I was starting to wonder just how many sleepless nights he’d had since my confession. “No.”

“So you understand then? What I said? About how I was feeling?” I could feel myself holding my breath.

“Not fully at first...but I guess I understand a little bit more now.” Of course you do, I wanted to say. It was, after all, thanks to your group mates who had intervened to mediate a different trajectory of an outcome. Instead I just nodded. “Look I won’t pretend that I’m blameless but,” He sighed. “I don’t think I’m fully to blame either.” I sat there for a long moment, considering Yoongi’s words from earlier, before I let myself look back at him.

“I...agree. I’ll admit that I could have been more...outspoken about some things. But Namjoon, you have to agree that we aren’t exactly...close anymore. That we haven’t been. For a while-”

“Babe,” He tried, slightly interrupting my train of thought to reach out to touch me. “Please stop. You’re starting to bleed again.” And there he was, with those long fingers of his touching mine ever so gently that I could feel everything in me buzzing alive once more. The sweet Namjoon that I’d missed for so long had returned in that light touch that it felt like an electric shock had been jolted into my system. The pesky butterflies were back, going at full speed now, and I was shaking slightly due to his warmth. He was leaning over the table, so close to me that I could feel the heat alight my face like a lit flame.

When I looked up, I could see that Namjoon was blushing a deep shade of crimson but, despite the fact that he seemed to be just as jittery as me, he didn’t back down. Instead, his eyes were focused on just me, his hands were on top of my hands and his lips, the ones that were parted ever so slightly, were moving forward towards me in just a way that I was just about to let them.

“Yah, why are you guys so quiet?” It was Seokjin’s boisterous voice that broke me of the spell of Namjoon and we quickly jerked back from each other. What the hell had almost just happened? “You better have saved me some food!” When Seokjin entered the kitchen we were back in our normal positions; Namjoon sitting quietly in his seat flushed with me picking at my hands while I stuffed my face full of gimbap and he just sighed when he saw us.

“Momma?” A small voice broke out and instantly all eyes turned towards the door of the kitchen.

“Yumi, what are you doing awake love?” I spoke through a mouthful of food, brows knitting together as I started to rise out of my seat. Motherly instinct was taking over again and I didn’t hesitate even once to see if Namjoon would get up to see what was the matter.

“I had a bad dream.” She yawned widely looking half dazed.

“Don’t get up, I got her.” I watched as Seokjin scooped her up in his arms and trekked back towards her bedroom, bouncing her along the way as she wrapped her arms around his neck, nestling her tiny head into his shoulder as he soothed her. I wanted to scream at Namjoon, tell him that’s how he should be acting, but instead I sat back down and swallowed my food as I avoided his gaze.

“I’m sorry,” He sputtered a beat later. “I’m just...really sorry. To be honest, I’m struggling here.” He breathed out a deep sigh. “I don’t know what to do. All I know is I don’t want to let go of you but I want to give you your space at the same time. Please,” He was begging. “Tell me what to do.”

“Namjoon,” I sighed, beaten down at this point and a little drunk. This day had been really long and, quite frankly, draining. While it was nice to have seen Yoongi and spent some time with him, I had to admit that the activity of actually leaving the house for myself was way more draining than I had thought it would be. Especially since all we did was talk about my love life. Coming home to find Seokjin and Namjoon drinking in our kitchen was another surprise on top of my ever changing mood and, with Namjoon having been so close only moments prior, my head was spinning. What was even going on anymore? My life was such a mess. “Do whatever you want.” And with that, in the mere seconds it took for me to stand up and for him to get out of his chair and be at my side, he was leaning in to kiss me.

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