Wonho's cheeks would puff up, as well as redden at your words. He likes it when you introduce new positions, and in return always acts all innocent with a flustered reaction as if he never knew those types of positions existed — but it's just an act. His cutie-like self would not question you at all; he'd smile and get on your lap without a word. To add more effect to his angel acting he'd maybe ask you about directions.
But once he got to action he no longer seemed like an innocent angel who didn't know what thigh-riding was. His hips would be grinding very seducingly — as if it were an erotic dance he'd practice for months — and his hands would be on your shoulders so there would be space between you so you could see him. He'd love to get praised. Praises would be motivating. This boy would love it so much he'd continue riding you even after cumming if you allowed him to. His stamina comes in handy.
"Should I take my clothes off or keep them on, Mami?"
After your answer he got on your thigh and sat down, ready for fun time.
"Am I doing this right, Mami?" he asked innocently, fully knowing he was a pro, because he wanted praise.
He will not admit that he's a dirty boy. No way. He'll still act like he's too pure to know what thigh-riding is, but every time he gets back on your lap he proves your theory of him being a freak to be true. Despite craving to ride your thigh again, he'll wait for you to tell him to do it instead of asking you. If you want to mess with him you can refrain from ever bringing it up. If you rile him up enough his innocent bubble might burst and he'll beg to get on your though again. Innocent angel? Pfft.
... ✧ ...✧✧✧✧✧✧
 손현우 / shownu
Hyunwoo's a softie, but he likes it rough. He knows that if he ever were to ride your thighs he wouldn't be able to go any different. Thus he'd be worried of actually getting off too hard on your thighs :C He'd be blushy and try to slow down, even if it wasn't enjoyable for him. You'd have to encourage him and grab his hips and physically make him ride your thigh harder and faster. After a while of seeing that you're completely fine, he'd get more comfortable and let loose of the tension he was previously feeling. The effort he'd put into it would be shocking since he's so shy and 'innocent'.
"B-But, Mama," he stuttered as his cheeks reddened.
"But what, Babybear?"
"I-I don't wanna hurt you," he looked down insecurely.
"You've been such a good boy this week, you deserve to get off on my thigh. Now listen to Mama and ride, okay?"
"Ye-Yes, Mama."
In the future, he would get flustered even at the mere mention of the first time he had ridden your thigh. And because of the embarrassment, he won't have the courage to ask you to do it again. If you asked him to do it again, however, he'd gladly do it (still blushing as if it were his first time, of course). He'd say he'd do it 'because he's a good boy', but the truth is that he had wanted to do it again ever since the first time.
Progressively, he'd feel more easy-going about it, and would muster up the courage to ask you if he could do it again. He'd be stuttering during the little speech that he had prepared beforehand and his face'd become red if you allow him to. Thigh-riding will only be occasional because it's his guilty pleasure and he feels abashed about asking you — but he'll give his all any time he does it. Take the first step for his sake.
✧... ✧ ...✧✧✧✧✧
이민혁 / minhyuk
Minhyuk is the human version of a puppy. He would get on your lap and hump you like there was no tomorrow. Boy has no shame and is always up for the dirty.
"Get on my lap."
"Okayyy~" he sang cutely.
Baam! In a second he was sitting comfortably on your lap like you ordered.
"Now ride it, Puppy."
He grinned.
"Okay, Mommyyy~"
Not caring enough to take time to dedress when he's horny, he'd be the one to do it fully clothed. You would maybe need to slow him down, because his great excitement would make him go crazy on your thigh. Guide him through it.
If he doesn't listen to you, give him a spank and he'll be sure to listen. After a while into it, he'd take off his shirt or drag down his collar so you could give him some hickeys. Your attention and affection is important to him. Your hands guiding and caressing his body, your lips and teeth nibbling on his purple skin would be the only way to get him to cum.
"This is so much fun, Mommy," he moaned and arched his back at the sensation.
He threw his head further back to give you more access to his neck. Panting, he managed to say what he wanted the most during that moment: "M-Mark me, Mommy. Please, please, please—"
He will act like such an adorable and good boy for you if it means that he can ride your thigh in the end. From calling you Mommy in sweet scenarios to giving you head without wanting anything in return — he'll do everything to prove that he deserves it. He'll love to do it randomly too. Imagine watching a movie with him on your lap and he suddenly starts grinding slowly on you and whimpers out pleads.
✧✧... ✧ ...✧✧✧✧
유기현 / kihyun
Kihyun's eyes would pop out. He'd be shocked people even do that, because he's a pure, holy child of God. It wouldn't take long until the stupefaction would turn into shyness. He'd be so flustered and ask you if he heard you right just to make sure his brain hadn't messed with him. Oh boy would he become even redder after you confirmed he'd heard you right. You'd have to lead him through the whole process or else he'd just sloppily ride you with insecure thoughts hunting him. In a very foreign situation like this one he'd need you to tell him what he should do and what he shouldn't do.
He'd be very obedient and would flush at any compliment you gave him, but on the inside he'd feel very sexy and confident in himself at the praising. By the end of it he'd be back to being pure and holy and would deny that it was indeed very pleasant to ride your thigh. But when you two'd go to sleep that night he wouldn't be able to stop thinking of it as he reluctantly smiled.
"You want me to w-wHat?"
"Ride my thigh."
"A-Are you for sure?"
"Yes. Now."
"I— Uhm— Okay—"
Sheepishly he followed through your command.
"Good boy."
"T-Thank you, M-Mommy."
He will never admit that it feels good. The only time he ever could go against himself and actually admit he was into it will be when he's very, very, very needy for your thigh — which is very rare. But you could also find out that he's into it if you find him watching thigh-riding porn, which by the way would result in him not being able to look you in the eyes for at least a week. It'll be better for you both if he himself tells you that he likes it. And if he does decide to tell you one day, he'll expect you guys to start doing it often.
✧✧✧... ✧ ...✧✧✧
채형원 / hyungwon
Hyungwon would get on your lap and look you in the eyes confidently. He's often sassy and shit, but in the bedroom his missions are to impress you and satisfy you — he'd still be a power bottom, but he'd be a nice, not-too-bratty one. You'd have to grab his butt with one hand and choke him with the other, or else he'd physically bring your hands to where they should be. If you called him something other than Princess he'd tell you off. He's the definition of thigh-riding Princess. Since he wants to be a good Princess he'd need you to tell him he is one.
If you didn't praise him enough he'd think he didn't do good. But he wouldn't become sad about it, instead he'd ask you for guidance. By the end of the session he'd be tired and want the Princess treatment — cuddle him and let him sleep on top of you.
"Wanna take a ride?" you asked and patted your thigh.
"Of course, Mommy."
He made his way to you and plumped down on you, putting his ass out in an arch.
"This—" he looks down at your lap and up into your eyes, "—This is my throne."
He will start sitting on your lap more often. Both because he wants some lovey-dovey time and because he wants come touchy-touchy time. If it's the latter he wants, he'll move a little against you to send you signals of what mood he is in, even if it makes him a bad Princess. Another occasion he'd sit on your lap would be when he's jealous and wants to show that he obviously is your Princess. Back to the thigh-riding, he'll make it your routine to do it at least once a week, because it's his favorite form of masturbation.
✧✧✧✧... ✧ ...✧✧
이주헌 / joohoney
Jooheon would love the idea as soon as it went past your lips. He's always up for anything Mommy wants. But he'd feel like he needed to put on a show for you and would thereof feel pressured to be good enough for you. Confidentally, he'd get on your thigh, but when it came to actually riding you thigh he wouldn't be as confident since it's his first time doing it on you.
He'd try his best and be as cute for you as possible, moaning out your name, telling you how much he appreciates you, pecking your neck as he hides in it — everything to prove to you that he loves you. If you say something filthy in return he'd keep his head on your shoulder and wouldn't look at you for a while out of embarrassment. If you praised him cutely, however, he'd get giggly and encouraged to continue showing how much of a good boy he is for you. He'd be so exhausted after he cummed, because of how much work he put into it. You better give him nice aftercare.
"Your thigh is so nice, Mommy," he whimpered out.
"You're doing so good, Honey. Only you can look this pretty riding my thigh."
With deeper dimples from smiling, he fastened his pace.
At first he'll only do it if you encourage him to, because then he knows you like it too. Eventually after you've requested to do it a couple more times, he'll become confident and start surprising you every now and then. It'll both be sexy and cutie time. He'll be able to make thigh-riding cute with his small whines at your praises and with his fluffy hair sticking to his forehead. If you don't cuddle afterwards he'll become pouty and cross his arms until you hug and kiss him.
✧✧✧✧✧... ✧ ...✧
임창견 / i.m
Changkyun would be like 'finally she asked me'. Like this is something he's wanted to do for so long. No matter how cute he is, he is not innocent at all. Just the thought of rubbing himself against your thigh, whilst looking into your eyes, and moaning for you turns him on. He'd be a little bratty at first, because you didn't want to do it earlier on in the relationship.
Out of all the boys he'd be the one most likely to ask you if you two could do it. Anyway, he'd be a soft boy and would want affection such as kissing, touching, or just praising words, from you at all times. He'd also love it if you helped him by keeping your hands on his hips or if you grinded your thigh up against him. After cumming he'd stop being whiny and would instead be fully satisfied.
"Took you long enough, Mommy."
"What do you mean?"
"I basically live on your lap. I want to be on your lap all the time, Mommy. Whether it's for cuddling or humping," he whined and pouted dramatically with crossed arms.
"Come here, my Babyboy," you said and opened your arms for him.
He kept arms crossed but still listened to you.
"Show me what you want to do on my thigh," you whispered and pecked his pout.
His pout turned into a dimpled smile.
"Okay then, Mommy," he whined softly.
Oh how he was going to enjoy every single moment of it.
He'll ask you to do it again for sure. He's very submissive and baby-like and isn't ashamed of himself or his sexual preferences. If you denied him he'd be all pouty and whiny, and would complain along the lines of 'But I've been a good boy~' and 'Why not, Mommy? I thought you loved me.' Let him ride you for fuck's sake. He's a good boy and he deserves it. He also deserves the best cuddle sessions afterwards.
✧✧✧✧✧✧... ✧ ...
❝ And every girl I ever talked to told me you were bad, bad news
You called them crazy, God, I hate the way I called them crazy too
Who do you want to see next in my duality series? One part is sub!idol and the other part is dom!idol.
I have a threesome planned for minhyuk and jinyoung because they look extra fine in the military.
note: PDA = Public Display of Affection, requested by anon
most
Minhyuk
Wonho
Shownu
Changkyun
Hyungwon
Kihyun
least
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minhyuk - he's very handsy and I mean VERY. he wants to be close to you, all the time, whether it's through holding your hand, combing through your hair, sitting on your lap, he just can't not touch you. he loves when you rest your hand on his thigh, eventho it always makes him horny, but it's a reassurance that you also like to be close to him and it's not just vice versa
Wonho - clings onto your arm and never lets go again. the type to rub his face against your shoulder, smiling. he enjoys the comfort of your body's warmth, being close to you just makes him feel safe and at home, that's why he loves to hug and cuddle (no matter where you are). he also likes when you're a little possessive of him and hold his hand in public to show everyone that he belongs to you
Shownu - usually doesn't initiate PDA but also doesn't mind it. he really couldn't care less if people stare at you two in public, but he'll only go as far as you're comfortable. if you like hugging in public he'll wrap is arm around you when you go for a walk, if you aren't into PDA he'll just save it for when you're at home
Changkyun - he loves to be close to you as well, but he always feels watched when he kisses you in public or holds your hand. that's why he usually just keeps his hands in his pockets and only pulls you in for a kiss when he is sure there's noone around. might try to tease you in semi public places (under the table in a restaurant) to get you to punish him tho
Hyungwon - holds your hand but nothing more. when you try to ruffle through his hair and peck him on his cheek he pulls away and whispers that you'll get caught. even at home I can't really see him initiating much body contact and he usually waits for you to throw yourself onto him
Kihyun - no, I just can't see him doing PDA. I actually do think he'd be pretty touchy in private and always on your tail when you're at home, but in public you might feel like strangers with how distant he suddenly gets. it's not that he doesn't love touching you, trust me he does, it's just a very private and personal thing to him that noone should be allowed to see and cherish but you
scenario: they ask about your kinks and you ask them to call you daddy
a/n: this is written with a fem reader in mind but is not strictly fem reader as no pronouns or anything is mentioned.
a/n: was this a request? nope tbh this was written for myself bc i’m sick and tired of seeing people call these men daddy so uh pls enjoy
word count: 2k
content: sub!monsta x, dom!reader, daddy kink obviously ajshdhs, minhyuk is kinda bratty? kinda??, lots of teasing and begging, mentions of consent and stuff
—
son hyunwoo/shownu:
he falls silent. he doesn’t know what to say in the slightest. he worries that he might hurt your feelings or say something out of line, but it just stuns him, “you don’t have to do it if you’re uncomfortable with that, bear. your consent is just as important,” you say.
but see that’s half of what’s stunning him. he’s not exactly uncomfortable with that. shownu’s nature is pleasing you, he doesn’t mind filling any role or position for you, this was just a little more intense than that.
“you know what? just forget we had this conversation. i don’t want you to feel pressured, and it’s not a big deal, okay?” you say.
but the idea lingers in his head whether or not you want it to. as the days go by, his mind wanders, and while it may not exactly be what he’d be into, he’s not against doing it for you.
as you manhandle him a little bit, he says it softly, “ah, daddy-,” it’s even more embarrassing than he imagined, and his cheeks and ears are flushed and hot, but when he says it, softly under his breath, just whispering it out to test the waters, he sees your shock and then your small little smirk.
“now that i know what it sounds like to hear you say that, and what that does to me,” you say, sneaking your hands under his shirt and letting them wander, playing with his chest a bit, “i don’t think it’s a good idea to say that if you wanna make it out of this bedroom spotless and in one piece.”
he blushes even more, a little shy and hesitant, but he likes having this kind of effect on you, so that may not be the last time he says it. besides, who says he cares if he makes it out in one piece? and spotless? his neck and chest and thighs were too clean anyway.
lee hoseok/wonho:
it was in the middle of you riding him, his wrists bound above his head with a rope that made his skin look so pretty against it. he’s already cum once, but you’re not stopping until you do, and he’s trying to keep himself together. your hands roughly playing with his chest is overstimulating and he’s overwhelmed. he pleads for mercy aimlessly, almost thoughtlessly.
but then, “if you’re gonna beg, call me daddy,” you murmur. he’s not even sure he hears you right when you say it. he looks at you with wide eyes, and he assumed he did because of the way you act. he knows he could stop you at any time because you’re very clear on consent and it’s not like this was completely out of left field considering how you’re already always in charge in the bedroom. he was just stunned.
and while he’s a little bit stunned, he also won’t deny that it is a little bit hot.
so he does, “please, daddy, it’s so much- i- i can’t handle it.”
he sees your smile, with just a drop of sadism behind the curl of your lip, “just a little more, baby, i’m close. you make daddy feel so good,” he gets so excited by the praise that he attempts to stick it out, forever still the man that just wants to make you happy and please you.
he forgets about himself and his own body for a moment when he feels your body tense up around him and you hold onto his chest as you orgasm, using him to get the most out of it before you slow down to a halt.
your heavy breathes and sweet nothings whispered in his ear are heavenly.
lee minhyuk:
“really? you’re into that? i honestly thought it would be the other way around.”
taken aback, you ask, “really? what gave you that impression?”
“idk, you don’t have this aura of dominance, so i didn’t really assume that was your thing.”
“is that- is that okay with you?”
he gets closer, teasing in the way he wants to make you shy, “you seem pretty bashful for someone who just asked to be called daddy in the bedroom.”
“minhyuk-,”
he rolls his eyes, obviously trying to get a rise out of you, “come on, i don’t even know if you have it in you.”
and something about his careless, taunting tone sets something off inside you, like he was challenging you. but it’s a challenge you take on when you approach him. your touch is softer, lighter than he imagined. he thought you would be lit aflame with a need to prove yourself to him. but you lean in to press a kiss on his neck and your wandering hands settle on his hips.
you’re gentle with him initially, yet he melts a little bit when one hand tightens and another begins to unbutton his shirt, giving your mouth access to his chest.
you push him onto the couch, straddling him and using a hand to hold both of his arms above his head, when you pull back, he looks dazed and needy, all those teasing smirks having faded off his features, “why are you so affected? i thought i didn’t even have it in me,” you say with a smirk this time.
he breathes heavily, “y/n- please-”
“oh please, that’s not my name anymore, min.”
yoo kihyun:
“you want me to what?!” his voice is randomly high pitched, loud, almost like he’s nervous or scared.
despite that anxious feeling you’re feeling too, you try to stay calm, “i understand if you’re uncomfortable by it, but you asked about my kinks, kihyun.”
“yeah i know- i just- i wasn’t expecting that- really? you’re not messing with me? that’s really what you want?” he looks exasperated.
“yes. i really want you to call me daddy.”
he goes silent, trying to comprehend in his head what the hell was going on and what he was going to do and why the more he thinks about it, the less vehemently against it he becomes. and he had spent the entire relationship making it clear that he cared about what you wanted (because he does) and it’s not like… he hates the idea of it, but it’s just so out there to him that he can’t even fathom or imagine it.
he asks for a few days just to think about it, and though the awkwardness lingers in the air, by the fourth day, it seems like you had mostly forgotten about it or at least it didn’t seem to be on your mind. he spends those days really thinking, trying to imagine what it would be like, why you would even want that.
but the next time you’re together alone, your hands and lips are on him and he experimentally says it, “daddy, please.”
the whiny, begging voice, coupled with the word, leave you stunned. you pull back with wide eyes, and he felt so embarrassed and shameful with your eyes on him like that, but then you pulled him back into you and kissed him with a certain kind of feverish desperation that made his knees weak.
chae hyungwon:
his reaction is oddly pretty calm. he asked about what you were into, and you told him. maybe he was expect something a little different, but to be honest, he knew you liked to be in control, and he usually just went along with it. he didn’t mind it especially because you always made sure you both felt good and that was all that matters. that and he kinda likes being told what to do.
so it doesn’t exactly surprise him, especially when you add, “but only in a sexual context! i don’t need you to say it all the time.”
“good because there’s no way in hell i’m calling you daddy in front of my friends,” he can see the thoughts behind your eyes wanting to take up that challenge, but he decides to ignore it, “as far as they’re concerned, i’m daddy.”
“sure, wonnie. sure,” you say dismissively, before looking back at him, “are you actually okay with it though? i know it’s… weird.”
“it wasn’t what i was expecting, but if that’s what you want, then i’ll do it.”
and as soon as you’ve got him under you, with kisses and marks trailing down his neck and chest, leaving him helplessly turned on and horny, he says it so naturally, you wonder if he even thought to do it. but whether or not he’s doing this solely for you, or because he might have found it a little hot, is between him and himself, “ahh, daddy, please- be gentle with me- i have a photoshoot in the morning- oh my god that feels so good please daddy don’t stop-”
lee jooheon:
he likes the idea of it when you mention it, he just gets kinda shy, “do you- do you really want me to call you that?”
you come closer, holding his hand and rubbing your thumb against it in a comforting manner, “yeah, i really like the idea of it. if you’re not completely against it, i’d be really happy if we could try it.”
“it’s not… the worst thing you could have told me you were into,” he laughs as your hand starts to massage his thigh instead, “we can try it. i'll tell you if we need to stop, but i think it’ll be okay.”
“good, i’m glad you’re reacting this way, honey,” you murmur as you kiss him, and he smiles, which, even if it makes the kiss a little awkward, is really cute, “sweetheart,” you whisper as you pull away, “can you say it? i just wanna hear you say it.”
your hands wander his skin nervously, he can tell you’re worried about him being uncomfortable, “ahh, d-daddy, please touch me more,” he whines, and he’s never been more compelling before, but somehow the use of that word really makes you want to give in and give him anything he wants, “please touch me.”
your hand falls a little lower upon his request, and he groans lightly, pulling you a little closer, “you’re perfect, baby, so pretty.”
“ahh, please,” he huffs, clearly growing shy with the praise, but it’s obvious he really likes it, so you touch him more and whisper sweet words into his ear with a kiss, “oh- oh my- daddy- please i-”
“you’re so cute, sweetie pie, especially when you’re feeling good, you look so pretty and content. it’s my favorite sight,” you say adoringly, looking at him with the biggest heart eyes.
“wow, i didn’t expect to like this this much but-“ he whispers, “-i kinda love it.”
im changkyun/i.m:
he doesn’t react much when you say it, making you wonder if he was uncomfortable or not into it, but in any case, you assume it’s going to be forgotten in a few days and there would be nothing to worry about.
until he’s trying to get you to play with him and you’re trying to work. he can’t deny that he gets horny easily and you’re right there! he tries to tease in an way he can think possible, but to no avail. you’re still just sitting there, typing away on your laptop.
“just another thirty minutes, and then im all yours, baby,” you murmur to him, and he pouts subconsciously out of frustration.
he gets an idea, and i’m sure you know what it is.
“alright, you’re busy and i respect that. i guess i’ll just leave you be and go play by myself, daddy,” he giggles when you look over at him for the first time in this encounter and then he walks away.
as he sits on the bed in your bedroom, he awaits the sound of your footsteps, knowing he’s won. the door opens, and you walk in too casually, enough to make him suspicious, until he’s pulled onto your lap with your lips on his shoulder. your hands sneak under his hoodie, and his hands brace himself on your shoulders for stability, “ah- y/n-”
“baby, i did not set aside my work that’s due tomorrow morning to come fuck your brains out just for you to call me that,” he shivers, so incredibly turned on, “try again.”
—
taglist: @lovingonrepeat @neosincity @sub-hoshi-enthusiast @multidreams-and-desires @hobilluvvr @vanillaknj @yr-domxfantasies @treasure-hwa @fleurshopsub @rubyscloud9 @silencefavarchive @nct99 @bigkpopstan @monstaxdirtywonk @domreaderrecs @mochi-ficz and always feel free to ask to be added to/removed from the taglist <3
includes: sub!changkyun, soft dom!gn!reader, handjob, multiple orgasms, mommy/daddy kink, praise kink, dacryphilia, nipple play, overstimulation, orgasm control, mention of a safe word
note: like the sangyeon fic, this is unedited. also this is for @euphoricsunflowers since you got me in the soft mood for changkyun <3
this is very soft because i'm down BAD for this man. i know it's a little choppy as far as sequence of events but i really don't feel like proofreading right now especially considering i wrote this on impulse
changkyun let a soft sigh escape his plush lips as he laid back against your chest. he turned his head towards you to place a kiss to your cheek.
your hands worked their way up his arms to his shoulders, massaging them and sending changkyun into sweet bliss.
"did you have a good day today, baby boy?"
a light pink blush settled across his cheeks at the nickname, but he nonetheless nodded and shut his eyes to rest.
you slid your hands down his chest and stopped to lightly pinch and rub his nipples through his shirt. his back arched into your touch and the sweet sound of your boyfriend's soft moans drifted to your ears.
"you're so pretty for me, baby. my perfect angel."
"t- thank you mommy/daddy."
you stopped your movement on one of his nipples to trace the outline of his abs and sneak your hand into his sweatpants, gently palming his quickly-hardening cock through his boxers.
"you're welcome, angel."
you chuckled at the way he twitched in your hand at the pet name. you dragged your fingertips across his tip, feeling the wet spot grow bigger. his hips thrusted up into your palm, desperate for more friction.
"please touch me mommy/daddy," he begged, breathless already.
you softly pinched his nipple and removed your hand from his pants, earning a pleading whine from his chest. you shushed him as you pushed two fingers into his mouth and gave him a simple "suck."
his tongue danced across your fingers as more moans and grunts permeated the air. mouth working efficiently as his hips thrusted up against nothing in a pitiful attempt for any sort of friction. you twisted his nipple, earning a yelp.
"you know to sit still, baby."
he muttered a quick "sorry mommy/daddy" around your fingers before continuing to lick and suck them as if his life depended on it. you stopped your work on his nipple to tap his hips as you tugged at his pants and boxers. he easily lifted his body up for you to slide his clothing down to his mid-thighs one-handed, freeing his fully erect cock.
you placed a chaste kiss to his head before removing your wet fingers from his mouth, which he chased after, to spread the precum that had gathered at his tip across his length. he immediately threw his head back and moaned.
"my baby boy is so sensitive today, hmm?"
he thrusted his hips up to no avail and mumbled a soft "mhm" in response to your question.
you began stroking his length slowly, giving him the friction he needed, but not enough to send him over the edge. changkyun was already so turned on he felt like he could burst. he whimpered and whined for you to speed up only to be met with a gentle kiss to his lips, swallowing his pleas.
you decided to reward him, and sped up, immediately getting louder moans. you parted the kiss to encourage changkyun.
"let me hear all your pretty noises, sweetheart. i don't want you to stop them."
he nodded enthusiastically, and let out increasingly loud moans as you thumbed his leaking tip. you threaded the fingers of your free hand with his, and gave it a squeeze.
his face looked beautiful like this, with a thin coat of sweat sticking his hair to his forehead and his mouth open and spilling sinful sounds. all twisted up from the pleasure you were giving him. his back arched as he let out a choked sob.
"please mommy/daddy, please let me cum. i'm s- so close."
you waited to answer, watching as his hips bucked into your hands, trying to hold back from cumming until you gave the okay.
"my pretty baby can wait a little longer, can't he?"
he hated that pouty face because he knew he couldn't withstand your masterful hand on his cock for much longer, but he so wished to make you proud. a louder sob erupted from his chest as he continued to cant his hips pitifully. you watched happily as tears began to fall from his eyes.
your tongue darted out to lick up some of his salty tears that had mixed with his sweat. the room was filled with moans and soft cries.
changkyun cried harder as the urge to cum got painfully overwhelming.
"m- mommy/d- daddy— hic —please, i can't— hic —t- take it! g- gotta— hic —cum so— hic —bad!!"
you squeezed his hand again and pressed a kiss to his temple before answering with a soft lilt to your voice.
"go ahead, baby boy. let mommy/daddy see how desperate you are to cum. let it all go for me."
your command was like music to his ears, and as soon as you told him it was okay, he began sobbing harder and letting out thick ropes of white, hot cum. incoherent strings of "thank you" and other noises left his lips as he shook under your touch.
after his hips had settled against the bed, he expected you to stop, but you kept going. his cries picked up once again, albeit confused.
"p- please stop— hic —mommy/daddy!"
you pressed another kiss to his temple.
"if you wanted me to stop, you would use your safe word."
changkyun let out loud choked moans, knowing that you were exactly right. he loved when the pain bled into pleasure, and before he knew it he was close again and thrusting into your hand. he was begging and begging, only interrupted by soft sobs, for nothing in particular. a second release, you to keep going, pretty much everything.
"you can cum whenever you want to baby boy."
your soothing voice calling him that name was all he needed to send him over the edge a second time. more thick ropes of cum decorated your hand, his body, and your sheets as you worked him through his orgasm. when he started squirming from overstimulation underneath you again, you stopped.
you held your messy hand up to his mouth and he eagerly but tiredly licked it off, his puffy eyes staring into yours with the most loving look. you pressed a kiss to his tear stained cheek and smiled. you took a cloth from your nightstand and gently cleaned off the rest of the cum from his body before pulling his pants and boxers back up.
he settled back in his original position with his back against your chest, before drifting off to sleep. you pressed one last kiss to the crown of his head before joining him.
Yeah in case everyone forgot, this is in fact a writing blog 😐 I'm sorry for not posting in so long, I was just in this weird writers block for a while 😔 anyways, enjoy :)
Monsta X reaction to somnophilia
Shownu
As the leader of a group of 5 rambunctious man-children (well, more like 4, kihyun isn't as much of a handful) he tends to be exhausted by the time he comes home but at the same time he wants to be able to get intimate with you so he finds himself in a lil bit of a conundrum. Once he stumbles upon somnophilia he honestly doesn't know why he hadn't thought of it sooner. So one night when he gets home, he finds you in the bedroom reading a book and flops down beside you. He starts to leave a trail of lazy kisses along your neck and talks about the new thing he learned. You don't need to be asked twice before you're palming the bulge in his pants as he slowly starts to doze off. His voice ends up getting higher in pitch as he falls asleep, his hips constantly jerking up into your touch. He's in the same boat as Wonho in the sense that he wants you to mark him up so he can see them the next morning. The soreness he feels in his bones when he drags himself out of bed in the morning makes him even crazier for you if that were even possible. All in all he loves you more than life itself and the fact you can use him whenever you want turns him on a lot.
Wonho
You'd have to be crazy to think he wouldn't be into this. Wonho's is so sweet and pliant and just willing to do anything for you at the drop of a hat so you like to treat him sometimes without him having to worry about pleasuring you. The best way to do that is to take care of him when he's sleeping. He looks so cute with his lil cheek squished against his pillow, his shorts riding up to show off even more of his lovely thighs so you can't really stop yourself from being all over him. His favorite thing is when you leave marks all over him while he's sleeping; hickeys that cover his chest, thighs, and neck and well as red lines from your nails raking over his skin or small bruises from where you squeeze him particularly hard. He loves to wake up to the lovely ache all over his skin and he's pleasantly surprised when he looks in the mirror and sees how you've marked him as your own without his knowledge. He'll get all giddy and stare at the marks for hours if he can cause he loves them so much :,))
Minhyuk
Poor puppy can never seem to take his mind off of you, especially when he was sleeping apparently. Of course you loved having intimate time with your boyfriend but you were a little less than enthusiastic when it was at three am and you had to get up for work in four hours. You were suddenly reminded of the conversation you had had with Minhyuk last week, when he told you if he ended up bothering you when you were sleeping with his "problems" (since it happened more often than you would think) you could use him to tire his body out since that seems to be the only way his past partners had been able to solve it. That was what led you to edging his unconscious body four times before deciding to let him cum. It definitely helped diffuse the situation but you couldn't help yourself, he just looks and sounds so pretty moaning for you. It's not like he'd ever stop you from doing it. If the way he came as soon as he woke up to his cock in your mouth was any indication, you were certain he liked it too. Sometimes when he's just starting to wake up in the middle of a session you like to tease him because his brain is so fuzzy he can only chant one phrase over and over. Like if you say "You're my sweet lil puppy, aren't you baby? Such a whore, letting me use your body like this." He'll end up in an endless loop of saying "Your sweet puppy! Your slutty little puppy!" Over and over again until you finally let him cum. You'd be lying if you said you hadn't taken a picture or two before 👀
Kihyun
Not only does he enjoy it, he encourages you to. How can you possibly resist someone so pretty and pliant just waiting to be used?? On the days he gets home before you, he'll make sure to put on some pretty lingerie before falling asleep for you to find when you start running your hands all over his body. It really is impossible to resist him then. You also found out that you could make him start to cry even when he's asleep and you've made it your mission to watch him do it every time after that. His eyes will be closed, some pretty lace adorning his body as his body twitches and spasms in your grasp and after edging him for a little while you see the tears start to trail beautifully down his cheeks and you're certain you've never seen him look more beautiful. He'll be hella embarrassed when he wakes up and feels the tears on his face and he'll jerk his head to the side and bury it into the pillow so you can't see the beauty of his tears which is slightly disappointing but his embarrassed whines make up for it.
Hyungwon
Oh my god he's the biggest slut for somnophilia. There is nothing he wants more than to wake up to the feeling of your strap thrusting into him, his orgasm washing over him as he struggles to comprehend what's happening in the world around him. He loves when you use his body for your own pleasure so he encourages you to use it whenever you want. He also doesn't like being woken up in the middle of the night for anything so it's better for both parties if you just do what you want and let him sleep. And his little whines and whimpers when he's sleeping are even cuter somehow?? It's mostly because when he's awake he's embarrassed by his own noises so he tends to keep them down, but when he's sleeping he no longer has control over how vocal he is so he'll whimper and squirm with the lightest touch. You'll be lightly trailing your fingertips over his inner thighs, watching his breathing pick up before you rake your nails down the sensitive skin just to hear his sweet whimpers as his body jerks under you. He's the prettiest like that so who are you to pass up that opportunity?
Jooheon
I don't know why but I can imagine him being a lil bit of a sleep talker, like if you talk to him when he's sleeping he'll say something back even tho he isn't awake so when you start touching him when he's asleep he'll start babbling even tho he isn't really conscious. You could be touching him and he'll start whining and squirming and if you ask him "How does this feel baby? Knowing I can use your body like my own little toy whenever I want to, huh?" And he'll just start babbling about how good you feel and how much he likes it and it's all kinda slurred together because he isn't awake but it's super fucking cute so you love to do it. Jooheon does enjoy waking up to you playing with him, telling him what a sweet boy he is for you and praising him nonstop. And he already cums relatively quickly but he's so much more sensitive when he's asleep so by the time he wakes up you've already made him cum like three times but he doesn't mind. It's one of the first things he comprehends when he finally does wake up so he starts begging you to milk him of everything he has. It's even cuter if you get some of his cum on your fingers and shove them in his mouth cause he still can't fully comprehend what's happening so his head will flop to the side and the cum you had on your fingers just kinda drips from the corner of his mouth, covering both his cheek and the pillow beneath him. Overall, Jooheon + somnophilia is a true blessing to this world.
Changkyun
2nd biggest slut 😔✊. You can really do whatever you want with him when he's sleeping, he's given you full permission for everything. The only thing off limits is blindfolding cause obviously if he wakes up to being tied up and blindfolded he's gonna freak the fuck out, but everything else is on the table. That being said, however, no matter how many times you've made him cum, if he wakes up to you playing with him while he's tied to the bed he will become hard as a rock. If he doesn't wake up during (somehow) then he immediately gets turned on when he wakes up the next morning to the stinging red marks on his wrists so then you have another problem to deal with. Changkyun is such a sweetheart when he first wakes up as well (if your playing with him) so he'll just sit there with no complaints as you absolutely ravish his tired body. He's so much easier to deal with when he's sleeping cause he can't talk back to you so maybe you should savor the time you have before he fully wakes up, just saying-
I’m kinda picky about things so pls no anal stuff and mommy kink, the rest is okay. Thank you :)
Hi! This reply is a bit late, sorry about that! I have fic searches on a bit of a hiatus right now, but I’ll gladly share some of my favorites with you! :)
Also, you’re not picky at all! It’s completely normal to not be into either of those things (or both), don’t worry ♥
I don’t know what you think about other kinks, so I included a bit of everything. The same goes for the choice of members. I did mostly NCT (since I read their fics the most) and some SKZ, hope you don’t mind ♥
This list got a bit long, but then again, I haven’t done these in a long time, so I thought I should make it count lol. Some of these I’ve read before, some I’ve discovered just recently.
Now, let’s get to it! :)
NCT
lace - After a drunken comment from you one night, Kun decides to give you a very pleasant surprise one day.
reward - Jerking off an insecure Kun in front of a mirror, only giving him the release he wants once he says enough nice things about himself. This one was really cute!!
overstimulation - Overstimulating Taeil to the point of tears (+ slight degradation)
Untitled - Teasing your boss, Jungwoo, in his office
messy - Jungwoo didn’t want to go to the bathroom and miss anything from the movie, so he stayed with you and kept watching until it was a little too late. (warning: omorashi)
fucktoy - Jaehyun pretends to forget your rules, so you make sure he never forgets them again with the help of a fleshlight. (This is one of my favorite fics ever)
compliment - Pulling Yuta’s hair while he rides your thigh and cums in his boxers.
puppy love - Lucas eats you out on the dorm’s couch, where anyone could walk in any minute. (No mommy kink, but Lucas does call you noona)
Never Again - Jerking off a needy Johnny until he’s satisfied.
Untitled - Helping Taeyong destress in the shower after a bad day.
Don’t Stop - Renjun thinks he can make you do whatever he wants, so you make him do all of the work instead.
Late - When Ten once again comes late to your date, he’s surprised at how calm you are. Until you get home, that is.
Also, let me just add this great fic by @warmau, which I love with all my heart. It’s not a sub!idol fic, I just thought it was really cute. Even if you don’t like Kun, she has many other amazing fics that I greatly recommend ♥
Stray Kids
[00:24] - You loved denying Changbin of his orgasms, but this time, it might have been a bit too much.
more & more | play you on repeat | on the outside | without a word - What begins with the overconfident trio of Chan, Changbin, and Jisung flirting with you at a party quickly turns into a lot more.
This series is so much fun to read, I recommend this 100%. The 3rd and 4th chapter are a lot less dom!reader, and there is some angst as well, but it’s still one of my favorite series right now ♥
Other groups (MX, GOT7, BTS)
The Scent of Love - Trying out wax play with Changkyun for the first time.
kinktober day 5 - Jinyoung finds out he likes degrading after you rage quit at a game.
Go With It - People always saw you as the innocent and angelic girl, the one that they should protect from all harm in the world. Namjoon thought of you the exact same way, and boy, was he mistaken.
This fic was really good, I loved it ♥
And if those fics are too long for you, here are some reactions and drabbles!
A short imagine about ignoring Renjun while simultaneously jerking him off
A fic by an anon about spanking Jaehyun (this one is pure art ngl)
NCT MTL to be shy during sex with short explanations
GOT7 asking to ride their best friend’s thigh
An anon fic about jerking Jungwoo off at a library at night
I can’t be honest (but neither can you) || Changkyun/Reader (m)
➣ I cannot believe this is my first contribution to Monsta X, this is really how I’m entering the writing side of this fandom OTL Also hello idk how to write short summaries?? I proof-read this at 4:30 AM so please tell me if I missed something lol. Fair warning I switch P.O.V.’s often in this and with absolutely no regard to any writing rules
➣ Changkyun/Reader | Angst[?] with a surprisingly happy ending that I didn’t mean to write | Showcases some bad coping mechanisms from both he and the reader | Mentioned Wonho/Reader, but it’s purely platonic in a sexual way | Smut warnings include: mentions of choking, pegging, fingering, mentions of a ruined sexual scene, sort of self-imposed edging if you squint, hair-pulling, facesitting
➣ It’s been almost a year since he called off the relationship and your name still tastes like a mixture between sugar and ash on his tongue when he says it, your picture is still saved in his camera roll, and he’s taken the plunge these last few months to reach out to you to be friends again. His hyungs tell him it’s a bad idea, and he tells them he knows, because he does, really, he swears he does. It’s just that his heart soars when he gets to talk to you and he can’t remember why he was ever scared of letting you in past that last wall he’d put up, and he’s going to your place and he hates himself because instead of “I love you” he says “please fuck me” and even now he can’t be honest to you about his feelings.
“I want you to fuck me.” He’s standing at your door, speaking in English with that deep voice of his, and you just blink blankly at him - he hadn’t called or texted to say he was coming over, and to be completely honest you hadn’t seen him in over a week. The silence is uncomfortable, but his eyes are intense, and he refuses to shift shyly under your blank stare.
“..well, come in I guess.” You invite him in with raised eyebrows - he goes easily, knowing your apartment like his own home. It’s been almost a year since you two broke up, but he hasn’t forgotten anything. That same stupid plant he hated was still on your table. He had no idea how it was still alive.
“So.. we aren’t together anymore, we haven’t hung out in a while, but you decided I’m the person you want to fuck you. Suddenly.” Your tone of voice conveys your lack of belief - this sort of feels like some very strange joke, but you have no idea who’d ever come up with one like this.
“You fuck Wonho-hyung all the time, and you aren’t dating him, so why can’t you fuck me?” His words are said in a rush, the first sign of nervousness, and you cross your arms and cock a hip. It’s your default power-pose, lets you feel like you’re in control when you have no idea what’s going on.
‘Is that really all it is?’ you want to ask, but you stay silent. He doesn’t seem aware that when you’re with Hoseok it’s more for the other man’s emotional well-being than it was just to get laid. Sometimes people needed to be broken apart and pieced back together lovingly just to feel okay. For Hoseok, you were a friend he trusted enough to let break him and then take care of the pieces that remained shattered on the floor.
“If you tell me why then maybe.”
“I’m not doing shit for a maybe.” He fires back instantly, gaze narrowing. His shoulders have tensed and he’s widened his stance, an unconscious reaction to the way your own body language had changed. Whether he actually felt it or not, at a subconscious level he believed he was being threatened.
You step forward and snag him by the forearm - the fight goes out of him instantly, replaced by pure innocent confusion as you lead him to your bed. He notices dully that you’ve redecorated your bedroom - though it makes sense considering he was the one who had helped you liven it up before.
“Sit - and try to relax. All the muscles in your shoulders are tensing up.” Your words have the opposite affect you wanted them to have - he tenses more, seemingly thrown off by your care, your notice of his minute actions.
You watch the way his gaze drifts over your room – it catches and lingers on a group picture of you and the rest of his group, tucked safely into the frame of your vanity mirror.
It’s a nice picture, though you really don’t remember taking it. You’re fairly certain everyone was drunk though, since you’ve got your arm thrown around Minhyuk’s shoulders in it, pressing your cheek against his.
It’s cute, even if looking at it is bittersweet. You can see the question on his face, the ‘why did you keep this?’.
“It’s not like I stopped being friends with them just because we broke up.” You feel defensive over your choice, face heating – you weren’t even near him in the picture, on completely opposite sides in it. He just murmurs a soft “oh” that sounds dejected, and you desperately don’t want to think about it.
“Anyway –“ You’re desperate to move on at this point, and he seems to feel the same because his attention snaps back to you. “You’re not really in a position here to argue and make demands, but fine -“ It was just sex, right? For you, anyway. “I can’t literally right now, I have a class in 30 minutes, but if you tell me why then we can negotiate.” You feel like some sort of fucking dealer.
He seems vaguely surprised you’ve agreed so easily, but he works his jaw and tries to figure out how to explain his reasoning to you - whatever it may be. You let him think and go in search of your computer bag. Online classes were a pain, especially those that required attendance in the form of a webcam. The bag has been thrown into a corner of your room, and you sigh and bend down to begin your annoying search.
“Well, we’re not together anymore, so..” You crane your neck to look at him, even as you continue to rummage through your backpack for your computer cord. Damn thing was in there somewhere, you knew. “I don’t have to worry about what you think of me anymore?”
He finishes his statement with an accidental upwards inflection that turns it into a question, and your hands pause before you turn back around and continue searching, mulling over your word choice carefully. ‘You never had to worry’ sits on your tongue, something that is desperate to be said, but you swallow it back down. He wouldn’t believe you and it’d cool the current mood.
“I see.” You finally settle on, standing and popping your vertebrae back into place as your prize - the fucking charging cord - dangles from your hands. Your two words could convey many meanings, and you can see from your peripheral that his brow has furrowed. It’s not the answer he was expecting, though you think he probably didn’t know what he’d been expecting in the first place. “Then - what is it you want?”
“For you to fuck me.” He answers again, and then swallows as he notices your blank stare has returned.
“I know that, you said that. I meant what specifically are you looking to get out of this?”
“I want it to hurt.” His words make your breath catch in your throat, emotions swinging between vaguely turned on and worried. Sure, he’d had some masochistic tendencies in bed before, but - “I mean - I don’t – not physically -“ He’s switched to Korean in the wake of your silence, a comfort language, and you wonder if he even realizes he’s done it.
“Okay.” You respond simply in Korean back and he stops his rambling, just blinks at you. You see the tension finally start to drain out of his shoulders and switch back to English purely for your own sake, because it was easier, definitely not because you wanted to be able to hear his voice speaking your native language. “So long as you promise to use safewords, I won’t ask. I’m not your therapist and I’m not -“
“My girlfriend.” He finishes your sentence quietly, back to English as well, and your mouth goes dry.
“And I’m not here to judge you.” You remedy - you weren’t going to mention anything about your past relationship, and he looks away quickly at that realization. “You mentioned Hoseok -“ His hand twitches at his side when you call his hyung by his real name, but you mercifully don’t call him on this. Maybe this was a bad idea, but you’ve gone this long purely on the denial that he regrets breaking up with you, and it’s too late to stop that now. “- so I’m going to treat this situation exactly like that.”
“Okay?” Changkyun has no idea what that means, his fingers curling into your bedspread. You check the time - 20 minutes until class.
“I’m your friend, and I want to help you. This doesn’t change anything between us, this doesn’t add some extra dynamic, some extra layer.” Your voice has gone business mode and he’s stiffened his back at it, an ingrained response from being in the music industry for so long. “I’m not doing this just because I want sex - if you are, that’s fine, but I’m just doing this to help you out. Is that clear?” He nods once, eyes wide. You think he’s cute. You’ve always thought he was cute, and it reminds you of how cute turned into smitten and smitten turned into perfection and perfection turned into love and love - well, he ended love. “Changkyun - do you promise this is just about sex or release of some kind and nothing else?”
Your tone had softened, and he’d been let out of whatever thrall your no-nonsense voice had put him into. The question hangs in the air heavily, dripping of a nectar so sweet it’s sickening.
“Yes. I promise.” His voice is hoarse, cracking and quiet - and you think he’s lying.
But you’ve held on to your denial for so long. He had said before that the spark was just gone - and what were you supposed to say to that? It wasn’t his fault; people fell out of love all the time. You could barely believe he’d ever been interested in you from the beginning and you refused to believe you were worth falling in love with for a second time. The fact that you had managed to remain friends is more than you could have ever hoped for.
“Okay.” You repeat his assurance, more for your own benefit than his. The room is quiet, and thunder rolls in the distance. Fuck - a storm meant spotty WiFi for your class.
You check the time again - 15 minutes.
“We can use the stoplight system -“ His gaze has blanked so you take the time to roughly translate it into Korean, explaining until his brow smooths out, and then you’re back to English. “Aside from that, though, I need to know what you’re interested in, what you want to happen or don’t want to happen. You can hang out here if you want during my class, or leave, I don’t care - but take the time to think over what it is you want in this session.” Your words are too clinical, you know this, but you can’t keep yourself from doing it that way. You know most of the things he’s into and not into, but if you don’t take this route then it all feels too intimate. Besides, he’d always kept a very careful hold of how much control he’d let go around you before, never wanting to slip too far into subspace, always wanting to seem in command, even when subbing for you. You wonder if that’s changed. You certainly don’t remember him ever blatantly asking outright to have something done to him before.
Memories flash across your mind eye, his back covered in your scratch marks, the way he moaned brokenly when you pulled on his hair, the way he came when you pressed your fingers to his throat. But he never asked for any of it - you had to ask if it was okay to do to him, and he always brushed off any of your attempts of aftercare.
You swallow again, feeling vaguely sick. Things had been broken in your relationship long before he called it off, but neither one of you wanted to admit it. Your heart hurts for multiple reasons, but when you glance at him out of the corner of your eye you know the biggest one: ‘I hope I didn’t hurt him by not talking about it’.
But he didn’t talk about it either. Did he care about whether it hurt you?
“Is that okay?” He’s been talking to you, and you startle out of your thoughts - a half-formed little smirk dances at the corners of his lips, one eyebrow quirked in amusement. He knows you well enough to know when you’ve been drifting. “I said, I’ll stay here if that’s alright with you.”
“Yeah, it’s fine - sorry, was just.. thinking.” It doesn’t really surprise you that he’s decided to stay - he’s confident to a fault, it’s true, but there’s a slash of shyness that strikes through his character, and you know that if he left he might not be able to come back. The thunder rumbles in agreement.
You half-watch him as you set up your computer on the coffee table – he’s looking around your apartment with thinly veiled curiosity, though you don’t really blame him. It didn’t really look anything like when you two had been together, and yet.. you felt it still had his subtle touch all over it. You wondered if he noticed that.
The class is boring, as it usually is – you’re watching the screen but your mind is far away, listening to your admittedly enthusiastic professor talk about the hyoid bone and articulations while your focus is on Changkyun. He lingers around you with a nervous type of energy, clearly not feeling allowed to roam around your apartment (it’d be kind of weird if he had, you admit) but also not feeling comfortable enough to sit on the couch next to you, even if he would have been off camera.
It’s almost like it was before, and you half expect him to sit down next to you anyway and throw his arm around your shoulder, always just off-screen, sitting next to you during your classes while he amused himself with his phone, just so he could be near you.
You’re just about to be able to feel the phantom warmth from the memory of his arm around you before he coughs and you startle, eyes snapping to him – he looks back wide-eyed, not understanding your surprise but murmuring a quiet apology anyway.
God you were so fucked.
.｡..｡.
“So?” The instant your class had ended you’d snapped the computer lid shut – you hadn’t retained a single thing said, what a complete waste. It wouldn’t have mattered if you’d skipped and focused on Changkyun in the end after all. “Did you decide on what you wanted?”
You’re so flippant with your question that he feels like he’s being asked about what it is he wants to eat instead of how he wants to have sex – the entire hour of your class he’d been nervous, and those nerves had by now tightened into a very tight ball at the base of his spine that periodically sent white-hot flames licking along his muscles.
“I –“ His mouth is so fucking dry and he hates how small he suddenly feels – he’d never felt like this around you before, but usually it had always been you asking if you could do something to him, hadn’t it? “I said it earlier. I want you to fuck me.”
He watches your reaction with pin-point precision – the small widening of your eyes, the way your gaze darts to the side like it always did when you were thinking something over – it wasn’t like you hadn’t ever fucked him before, but he’d never asked you to do so, and you clearly hadn’t expected him to come out with something like that so easily.
Why the hell could he say something like that and not something as simple as ‘I love you’, or even ‘I miss you’?
“Okay.” You’ve wrested your thoughts back under control – it wasn’t fair of him to say something like that, looking so utterly and effortlessly attractive. “As long as there’s no kissing I’ll fuck you any way you like, Changkyun.” You were over him and he was over you and this was just sex.
If you said it enough you’d start to believe it, right?
Changkyun just nods at your terms, looking a bit despondent – you can’t help the strong surge within you that says to fix it, fix whatever upset him, but you have a feeling you knew already. He’d always been a bit fixated on kissing you, but you knew if you let him this time then it’d all be over.
“I don’t remember you ever falling this far into the ‘submissive’ side of things, Changkyun.” You’re desperate to regain the upper-hand, and he flushes a bright red at your comment, grumbling out a weak “shut up” that has you smiling.
“Have you been experimenting?” You’re still teasing him but he bristles at the insinuation that he would have been with anyone after you – you had no reason to think he hadn’t been but the mere thought of being with anyone other than you makes him ache deep in his chest, in his soul.
“No.” He tries to keep his voice calm, but it wavers still and he digs his fingernails into the soft leather of his belt, pausing. “I haven’t been with anyone since –“
He can’t say it, but you understand regardless – he doesn’t like how surprised you look, ducks his head and lets his hair obscure his view of you as he refocuses on undressing. It’s not that you’d been wrong to be surprised with his decision for today, either – before you, he’d never really definitively considered himself particularly dominant or submissive, happy with having the choice to be either at the drop of a hat. That changed with you though – you had been so uncompromising with your power, beautiful and self-assured, and he knew without a doubt that if you so much as even hinted at it he would be on his knees for you every single time.
Not that he had ever told you that, of course. He’d never told you anything he really wanted to. Even now, with you looking at him softly, trying to see if you’d crossed a line with your little teasing jabs, the words ‘I’m happy being this for you’ get stuck in his throat and all he can do is tug his shirt over his head wordlessly, fingernails clicking nervously at his belt as he undoes it. You pretend not to notice the way your heartrate accelerates as he reveals his body bit by bit to you, slender waist but powerful figure, beautiful skin, beautiful body.
“Well, then – lie down.” You gesture to your bed and he swallows down the stupid fucking butterflies he gets at the gesture – he’d been on your bed before, he’d been in this position before, there was absolutely nothing to be nervous about.
And still, despite his nerves, a pleasurable chill runs down his spine when he hears the cap of the lube being clicked open, and he forces himself to exhale as he shifts and tries to get comfortable on a comforter he no longer recognized, in a room that had no trace of him in it anymore.
You look at him with a level gaze, always so calm, and he ignores the erratic beating of his heart and nods his assent for you to begin, immediately shifting his gaze to your ceiling.
Why the fuck was he so goddamn nervous?
(He tries to forget the way he instantly whimpers when he feels your finger, slick with lube, probing at his rim, tries to forget the way he gets hard in under a minute from your heavy gaze and one finger alone, and god he aches for more, aches for anything you’re willing to give him.)
“You’re taking this awfully well.” The teasing comes out unbidden, spilling past your lips before you can even think about the words – but it’s true, for someone who had claimed to not have been with anyone since you he was taking your fingers incredibly well.
“My own hands – fuck – exist..” His snarky response turns into a shaky moan halfway through when you decide to carefully – but quickly – add a third finger. There’s something erotic (and interesting) to you about that, thinking over the fact that Changkyun had been finger-fucking himself ever since you two broke up.
“You look good like this.” It’s an attempt to make up for the previous teasing but all it does is cause him to groan and throw a forearm over his eyes, legs spreading wider when you hit that spot deep inside.
“Fuck, jesus – fuck..” It’s a broken sob instead of an actual sentence (though he manages to stick with English), a familiar feeling already building deep in his gut. He’s not sure if it’s because it’s been so long since he’d been fingered by someone else or if it’s because it’s you doing it, complimenting him while doing so, or if it’s a combination of everything, but his back arches against his will and he knows he is seconds away from coming undone already.
“Stop – stop, oh my god –“ At his desperate plea you stop moving completely and he wants to sob as the pleasurable feeling slowly ebbs away, an almost painful drag as it settles back into a dull burn. He’s gasping, tiny whimpering sounds as he sucks breath back into his lungs, chest heaving – his eyes are wide, fingers curling into your comforter. He looks frantic, frightened almost, and even if it wasn’t your responsibility you knew you’d be desperate to fix it.
“Changkyun, ar –“
“I’m fine.” He bites it out angrily, doing his absolute best to look like he had been anything but moments away from an orgasm five minutes into.. whatever this was. He’s shutting you out again, before anything even begins, and it fills you with such an irrational anger that you have to suck in a breath of your own to keep from lashing out, taking gentle care to extract your fingers even as your blood boils.
“Stop fucking lying to me.” You can’t keep the ice from your words, even if you manage to control the volume and pitch – his dark eyes snap from the ceiling to you in surprise. There’s a panicked feeling bubbling up in his chest, because he really doesn’t know if he can handle you calling him on his true feelings for you right now, doesn’t want to have to admit he still loves you while he’s naked and so vulnerable.
“I’m not –“
“Stop it.” His mouth shuts with an audible click of his teeth, so sudden is your cut-in. Your brow has smoothed out, no longer angry, instead immensely sad, and he’s not sure this is any better. “You said you wanted to do this because you didn’t have to worry about my opinion. So why are you still doing it?”
He can’t breathe, and the lube is drying sticky on your fingers, and for a moment neither of you are aware of the position you’re in, the way the thunder has become your constant background music – he’s looking at you unblinkingly and you’re staring back, and it’s too intimate, too much, but neither of you look away.
“Please stop.” He speaks and it’s barely a whisper, the sound of someone’s heart breaking louder than his voice. You don’t know what to say but open your mouth anyway.
Lightning flickers outside your bedroom window and then your apartment is shaking from the resounding thunder, the power flickering and then plunging the two of you into darkness. Suddenly you can breathe again, and you’re quickly trying to slide out from in between his legs because he said ‘stop’ and he was fully coherent even if he hadn’t said ‘red’, because he said ‘stop’ and you have only ever wanted him comfortable.
“Wait –“ He is frantic, grabs your forearm with frigid fingers as he leans half off your bed to catch you from retreating too far. It’s hard to see him but you get flashes from the light outside your window, electricity reflecting off his dark eyes in starbursts.
“You said to stop.” Your voice is broken and you feel so powerless, sick inside because while you rarely manage to ruin a scene it still tears you up inside each time, and Changkyun wouldn’t let you try to fix it with aftercare and you don’t know what to do anymore.
“I meant –“ Stop talking, stop laying me bare and open, just fuck me and make me forget everything, stop being you so I can stop loving you. “I just want to be ruined.” He says instead, and his voice is so low but so weak that you barely recognize it.
“I can’t do that if you don’t let me.” Your clean fingers curl around his and gently pry them from your arm – but then you keep holding them, and you want to let go but you can’t remember how to tell your body to do so. “Will you let me, Changkyun?”
The air is still and silent aside from the rain slashing angrily at your windows – there is no thunder, your own heartbeat loud enough (or maybe it was his, you didn’t know anymore).
“I want to.” He answers instead, voice quiet but a bit stronger than before, and your eyes have adjusted so you can see the features of his face vaguely now, follow the line of his brow to his cheek to his lips, and you’re leaning in and you hate yourself because you had promised this was the one thing you wouldn’t do.
“Let me wreck you then, baby.” And oh that nickname was a mistake but you’d said it anyway, a ghost of a whisper against his lips, a proposition and a plea all in one. He moves forward the last centimeter and connects your lips as an answer, a sound that is almost one of pure relief being ripped from his throat.
It’s like he’s been waiting years for this moment, doesn’t even fight as you grip his jaw lightly and angle him into a better position so you can scope out the inside of his mouth with your tongue, relearning things you had known long ago but had thought were forgotten.
There’s a flighty feeling in his chest, one of nervousness and expectation – he doesn’t want to give you control so easily, he doesn’t want to be opened and laid bare in front of you, he doesn’t want you to see something you dislike in him – but more than anything he wants you to touch him and keep kissing him and god he fucking misses you, has missed this. He’d asked you to ruin him, you’d asked to wreck him, but he knew he was already both ruined and wrecked just from being near you again, from having your lips on his own.
You try to slide your hands back down his body but he stops you, continues to kiss you as his fingers curl around your own, and the act is so intimate it almost feels wrong.
“Just – hurry up, I’m ready enough.” He manages to say scattered between four different kisses, never apart from your lips for more than a few seconds. You hate yourself for not even trying to stop him, leaning into them each time.
“You can stretch yourself some more while I get ready.” You have to pull away from him completely to say this, and he follows you like you’ve got some magnetic pull on him before you’re off of the bed and the connection is broken.
Even with your eyes adjusted it’s hard to properly get the harness on, fingers fumbling with the straps but managing in the end. You can hear him breathing harsh, anticipating – you can tell from the sounds alone that he hadn’t taken your advice, but you’re not surprised. Always your little pain slut, even if he had never wanted to admit it.
When you approach him again his eyes are wide, brow furrowing as he notices you’re still fully clothed – he keeps his mouth shut tight though, gaze darting in the dark. The storm still rages on outside but neither of you even notice it anymore.
Your fingers on the inside of his thigh startle him – he jumps, trying to close his legs, but you force them back open again. Something about that simple action makes a moan trickle into his throat, but he swallows it back down stubbornly.
He can’t conceal the next sound he makes when you press the blunt tip of the strap-on to his opening, though, a rasping whine as you push in slowly, so fucking slowly. Even with all the lube he knew you’d slathered over the toy it still takes a bit of work to get it into him, and every slight stretch makes him grit his teeth in a masochistic type of pleasure, feeling so full by the end that it makes him so painfully hard his head spins. It hadn’t taken long to get him worked back up, but he’s not really thinking about that right now.
All he knows is that he wants to be close to you, wants to feel good, wants to make you happy – he wants so much that he doesn’t think he can even begin to put any of it into words. It always ends up at ‘I love you’ and he already knew that was a phrase that lodged in his throat like knives.
“Please.” This he can say – you don’t know what he’s begging for but he’s begging all the same, the word ‘please’ becoming a chant that slowly shifts back into his native tongue when teeth mark his throat, fingertips pressing insistently into his hips as you fuck him hard and rough. He hopes, distantly, that it bruises. He wants to be able to remember this for as long as possible.
If he was present enough in the moment he might have been embarrassed by the sounds he was making – his naturally deep voice has transformed completely into high breathy whines, all trace of his ‘savage rapper’ persona gone when you bite his lip hard enough it throbs before you’re flipping him, pushing his shoulders down into the bed with one hand.
The feeling of your palm, small but blindingly warm on his back, makes him weak enough that his thoughts stutter, head a chaotic mess of fractured thoughts and sensations. His eyes are open but unfocused – it’s dark in the room anyway, but he’s unaware of it, cognizant only of your presence and his, that warm fuzzy feeling in his chest competing with the white-hot fire you were stoking lower in his pelvis.
You want to cry at how beautiful and perfect he is for you, the way he arches his back instinctively, presents himself as your own personal plaything – but he wasn’t yours, you had to remember that, remind yourself over and over that this was just sex. (If you repeated it enough it started to stop sounding like real words, and that was equally as dangerous as forgetting them in the first place.)
The head of the strap-on teases his entrance and he groans, clenching his fists into your pillow – you’d taken it out when you’d flipped him and he was fighting against every fucking urge and want and need his body was screaming at him to just take the plunge and force himself backwards. (But another part of his brain is telling him to wait, to make you happy, to draw this out as long as fucking possible because he has no idea if he’ll ever get to experience it again.)
“Can you tell me what you want?” Your voice is soft as silk, quiet, and a fluttery feeling rises up in his stomach at the sound, at how you’ve modified an order to be a request. He doesn’t know how he feels at the realization that you were taking it ‘easier’ on him verbally, that you had at some point come to understand he was having trouble letting go completely.
“I –“ He tries, he really fucking does, but like always the words get stuck in his throat. He just can’t seem to bring himself to admit what he really wants out loud and it is destroying him. One of your hands smooths down his side, lingering at his hip, and he feels like you’ve left behind a line of pure fire on his skin, almost burning away the shame and hatred he feels at himself for his fucking inability to be vulnerable, his cowardice.
“Just fuck me.” He says instead, defeat coating his words – and he can feel you hesitating, because it was obvious he’d meant to say something else and hadn’t.
He opens his mouth to say something, though he has no idea what, at the same instant you decide to slide the strap-on back into him. Whatever he’d been planning to do is gone from his mind instantly, his world reduced to just the dull burn, the frustratingly slow drag against his innermost walls, the way you manage to somehow brush up against the spot that has him trembling and dropping to his forearms. He curses in a strange mixture of Korean and English and you laugh softly at the sound, even as you slide out and thrust back into him hard enough that he jolts forward.
He feels, in a sense, like he is being broken in all the best ways – all he can focus on is you, all he can feel is the way you’re fucking him, grabbing at his hips. His breath is caught in his throat and he just knows he is going to ache later, bone-deep and satisfying.
But it’s not enough, never enough – you’re not asking to do more to him like you had in the past and he can’t manage to tell you what he desires most (though, at this point, he’s not totally sure he could say anything coherent anyway). He reaches back with one hand, groping – your fingers wrap around his and he drags them up to his hair, a wordless plea. He hopes you understand what he’s asking for.
A broken moan is ripped from his throat when you fist your hand in dark strands and pull backward, forcing him into an arch – his mind has blanked into varying shades of white, electricity on his skin and molten lava running through his veins, your heat against his back overwhelming.
You know it’s a bad idea before you do it, but you lean down and press you lips to his shoulder anyway, teeth scraping over feverish skin – the hoarse whine he gives at the feeling makes wetness pool between your legs, uncomfortable and wrong because this was just sex, this was just supposed to be for him.
The urge to mark him up is so strong it’s almost distracting – your hips falter in the bruising pace you’d set as your mind drifts, Changkyun groaning at the sudden shift in speed.
“Let me –“ He’s gasping, feels like he’s been running a fucking marathon or drowning (and oh, he has, drowning in you, in his expansive and terrifying feelings for you) but he knows your hips have to be sore by now and to be completely honest he is just downright greedy, wanting to feel you deep inside, wanting to –
He just wants so much. He reaches back to press at you gently and you let him move you instantly, trying to figure out what had bothered him – as soon as you realize he just wants a change in position you’re grabbing at his hips again, tugging him over your legs. His cock drags against the fabric of your shorts and he nearly sucks in a breath, trying to focus on lining himself up instead of the way it throbbed (or the way you were looking at him, hair splayed out on the pillow and yet so in command still).
He thinks he should feel more in control like this, on top of you, hands braced on your shoulders – but he doesn’t, not at all, and he knows instantly that he isn’t when you snap your hips up to meet his and he falls onto you, moan vibrating against the skin of your neck. He can feel your fingers in his hair, nails scraping against his scalp, can feel the infuriatingly teasing way his cock is rubbing up against your fucking shirt you never took off. It’s gone untouched for so long that it’s absolutely aching by now and he thinks he might actually be able to orgasm like this – but he doesn’t want to, not yet, even with how border-line painful its become. He doesn’t want this to end, doesn’t want to have to go back to a world without you in it.
His hips stutter on top of yours when you tug on his hair again, grinding hard against the strap-on, and you lift his face high enough you can press your lips to his, all hot breath and panted moans. He tastes of honey and heartbreak and you want nothing more than to make him cum and fall apart, trembling, on top of you.
“Am I ruining you properly, baby?” Your voice is dark red and sinful, and he trembles at the sound and tries to seek out your lips again, a whine lodged in his throat when you tighten your grip on his hair and keep him in place, rolling your hips languidly up to meet his frantic movements. “Tell me.”
“Fuck..” He responds instead, deep and rough in his chest – it cracks into a high moan when you punish him with a harsh upwards thrust, fingers curling into your shoulders. Your soft laugh, amused or delighted he’s not sure, makes a feeling like electric butterflies break out across his skin. If you had let go of his hair he’d have buried his face into your neck again to hide his expression – but you haven’t, and he knows you can see everything, every part of him, every expression he makes.
He thinks he must look stupid, embarrassing – but all you see is pure beauty. His brow has furrowed and sweat drips down to his collarbones, bruised lips parted slightly, glistening from where you’d kissed him earlier. Hazy eyes try to look anywhere but your face failingly, allowing you to see the foggy galaxy residing in their darkness. You’re not sure if what you’re seeing is his pupil or iris, but you find it gorgeous all the same, intoxicating.
“I’m going to make you cum, Kyunnie.” He shakes at your dangerous words, your knife-sharp gaze. You’re aware he never responded to your last question. “You’ll fall apart up there, ruined, just like you asked to be.”
Your words wrap around him, coiling tightly like chains – he feels caught, trapped, and he wants nothing more than for you to make good on your word, even if it sends a sharp trill of fear through his stomach.
The grip on his hair lets go suddenly and he sags forward, as if your pull on him had been all that was keeping him upright. He’s left a mess of pre-cum on your shirt, flushes a dark red when you drag your fingers through it thoughtfully.
“Messy boy..” You muse, heat spreading through you when you see the way his cock jerks at those two simple words, so red and aching, so fucking beautiful and desperate.
Fuck, you wanted so badly for him to be yours.
One of his hands flies to your wrist when you finally wrap your fingers around him – more of his weight is on you now but you can’t find it in yourself to mind, not with the way he’s breathing hot and wet against your neck, the way he doesn’t stop you when you move your hand, just clings to your arm desperately like he’s not totally sure he wants to be touched yet.
A choked sound leaves his mouth, lips bitten bloody, and you turn your head so you can breathe against his ear, let him press his face further into your neck. “Such a little whore..” You murmur, and he sobs open-mouthed against your skin and thrusts weakly into your fingers and then back onto the strap-on, unsure of which feeling he wanted more of. “So beautiful. So perfect.”
A part of him feels like he’s dying, unsure if he was really okay with being so vulnerable with you – but another part of him, the larger part, feels like he is fucking soaring, like this is all he had ever wanted and more. There are flames licking at his body, coiling tighter and tighter in his stomach, and he’s not sure how much longer he can last like this.
“You can fall, Changkyun.” Your voice is in his ear, like the sound of silk sliding over skin, fingernails tracing lightly along the back of his neck. He hates the way he reacts so viscerally to it, climax surging forward at the sound, at the way your fingers slide wetly over the head of his cock pinned in between the two of you. “It’ll be okay, you can fall to pieces. I’ll catch you.”
He orgasms with a wail that makes him flush a dark red, and he would have been mortified at the sound if every nerve ending in his body wasn’t currently sparking, his muscles spasming as he tries to keep thrusting into your fist even as the lightning bolt sensations turn from overwhelming to painful. He doesn’t even realize tears have slipped from his eyes until he feels your lips kissing them away, and he is hit with such a wave of emotion that he can’t breathe all over again (and it is just pure emotion, he couldn’t identify a single one of them if he tried).
After you slowly pulled out and settle him on the blankets he watches, distractedly, as you slide the straps down over your hips, leaving it on the floor to be dealt with later. Impulsively he reaches out to catch the edge of your shorts when you try to head to the bathroom, tongue sliding over chapped lips when you turn that powerful, beautiful gaze of yours on him. One of your eyebrows has raised, appraising him as he slowly tugs you back to the bed until you’re resting on your knees next to his waist. Sweat is drying sticky on his skin and he’s trying not to feel like he’d done something wrong, reacted in some undesirable way that you’d remember and relate to him for the rest of your life - but above all that, he wants to taste you. It’s the only consistent thought running through his mind, more prevalent than the lingering unease at having bared so much of himself to you.
“Please.” Again, it’s all he can say, eyes so dark and wide, pleading – his fingertips rest lightly on your hip, over the waistband of your shorts, lips parted ever so slightly. It’s so obvious what he’s asking for, and you want to say no. You’re pretty sure you need to say no. “Babe –“
You surge forward to cut him off mid-sentence with a brutal kiss and he gasps – you didn’t want to hear that, and you can tell from the way he’s frozen that he hadn’t meant to say it, even as his body returns the kiss on pure muscle memory alone. This entire experience had been a mess, a mistake, and yet –
“Okay.” It’s more a breath against his mouth than a word, but the way he smiles at your soft agreeance makes your heart hurt. You were in so deep, had fallen so far – how foolish of you to think you had been over him. How fucking stupid you’d been.
He wastes no time, pulling your shorts and underwear down like he’d done it hundreds of times before – because he had, you note dully – fingers wrapping around your thighs. When you sink down onto his face a tension drains out of his body that neither of you had even noticed was still lingering.
All he can smell is you, all he can taste is you – you surround him and this is all he’s ever fucking wanted, to be possessed by you, to be as close to you as possible. He’s not even totally sure what he’s doing aside from the fact that he’s putting his absolute all into it – he’s just trying to taste every inch of you he can, tongue delving as deep as possible before switching to suck on your clit. There’s no rhyme or reason to his method and it has you letting out a quiet sigh that borders on a gasp. He tries to memorize the sound instantly – any sound he could get out of you was a treasure in itself, but he wasn’t sure he’d ever get to hear them again after this.
There is no particular build-up to your orgasm – it’s at first lingering briefly bone-deep and then suddenly it is upon you in streaks of lightning, hips grinding against his face but mouth stubbornly shut. You can’t let this be any more intimate than it already was. (And yet you instinctively reach down and lace your fingers with his, and his thumb smooths across the back of your hand as he continues to mouth at your cunt, drink up your fluids. You are so utterly and completely stupid, your heart in your throat.)
There is a moment you want to carve out afterwards, a small bubble in time where the two of you could just bask in the afterglow and pretend like nothing had changed from a year ago – but you can’t let yourself do that, pushing yourself up off the bed even as every fiber of you begs to remain beside him for a moment longer. His fingers remain holding yours a moment too long before dropping to your bedspread, defeated.
Your heart suddenly felt like it was three sizes too big for your body, filled to the brim with love for a man you knew you’d have no second chance with, and you clench your teeth tightly to keep it from oozing out between your teeth like bittersweet sugar.
He’s still panting when you return with a damp cloth, reaches for it as if he really expects you to make him clean himself off. You scoff and catch his hand with your own, setting it back down on the bed as you begin to clean off his face first. Whether you wanted to avoid intimacy or not there were things you simply refused to throw to the wayside just because you wanted to remain distant, and one of those was taking care of him after sex. (He’s more receptive this time than he used to be, not fighting you and claiming he was fine, letting you dote on him with a sort of hesitant and soft acceptance. It makes your heart hurt all the more, the pure ache and want almost unbearable.)
“You’re always so messy..” It’s meant to be a light comment but the two of you accidentally lock gazes when you say it, your hand stalling in its motions. He looks like he wants to say something, lips parting – your breath catches in your throat, waiting, but he ultimately just shuts his mouth, gaze darting away from you. Your breath leaves you in a small burst. “Just relax, Kyun, I’ve got you.”
It’s the typical words you say to a sub after an intense session (with an accidental affectionate nickname that you bite the inside of your cheek for), but you mean them, and you don’t want to, but you do, irrevocably. You know that if he needed it, if he asked for it, you would let him stay here for as long as he wanted. You knew that tonight you wouldn’t be asking him to leave. And for that you are so, so incredibly fucked. (You wonder if he is too, judging from the way his eyes widen at the nickname and his breath stutters – but you crush that thought instantly, don’t dare to get your hopes up.)
He’s surprised that you take the time to clean him up, bring him water and a change in clothes – they aren’t his but they’re clearly a man’s, and he wonders if they belong to Hoseok considering the size. Something deep in his chest hurts at that thought. He’s even more surprised when you pull on an oversized shirt instead of telling him to leave – he faintly realizes that he recognizes it, a soft violet that hung down to your lower thighs and always felt soft against his chest when he’d hold you – crawling into bed next to him after changing into it, though he’s automatically moving to accommodate you, perfectly content to throw the thick comforter to the floor to be dealt with in the morning.
“Is.. this okay?” Your voice is quiet, so tentative and soft and hesitant, and all he wants to do is tell you yes, this was more than okay, this was everything he had ever wanted.
“Yeah – I mean, it’s your bed, so..” He hates himself for the way he responds, swallowing hard but taking the initiative to slide his arm over your side, nose in your hair. He can feel the way you tense, but you don’t say anything against it or try to pull away. “And.. this? It’s okay too?”
“…it’s okay.” It’s a small response but he inhales deeply in relief, drinking in your scent half by accident. It’s the same smell he had missed for so long, the one he’d dream of and wake up thinking there was a chance it still lingered on his pillow, heart dropping through his ribcage when he realized it wasn’t.
Despite the nerves fluttering in your stomach you fall asleep fast, mentally drained and physically exhausted - his fingers trace the line of your shoulder, head pillowed on his own arm as he watches you sleep. There is a purely warm and happy feeling trying to spread through his body, but it doesn’t make it very far before the remembrance that you still weren’t his and he still wasn’t yours freezes it in its tracks. He feels like his heart is melting, dripping through his ribs and oozing into his stomach and making him sick.
He’s shaking your shoulder before he even knows what he’s doing, and you’re half-awake and groggy but so fucking beautiful and every single one of his nerves feels like a live wire underneath his skin, buzzing and loud and painful, and he is so scared, but he is also tired. Tired of hurting, tired of missing you, tired of the way Kihyun will be talking about you but stop awkwardly when he notices Changkyun listening, tired of the way he smiles so big his cheeks hurt when the two of you talk on the phone, tired of how he swallows down the words “love you” every time you hang up – and he’s fucking tired of being scared most of all.
“Changkyun, you better be fucking dying..” You’re angry, always angry when woken suddenly, and he just wants to kiss you.
‘I love you, I’m stupid, I was scared, I always loved you, I never fucking stopped, did you know I would dream of you? Did you know that you were the only thing on my mind? On plane rides, in the vans, backstage, all I could think about was you and my hyungs all told me I was just hurting myself and I knew that but I still hoped that somehow you and I would end up happy together.’
Like always he can’t say any of it. It sits on his tongue and he just utters a quiet ‘fuck’ instead, throat tight. Why couldn’t he fucking do this?
“..Kyun?” He’s sitting up now, and you are too, side by side – your expression is open, sleepy but worried, and he has a sudden urge to take your face in his hands and kiss your eyelids.
The scariest part of telling the truth, of laying yourself bare for someone, of letting them in, was that they could take one look and never come back. And maybe he’s not afraid of loving you – maybe he’s never been afraid of loving you, with your eyes that hold the only stars he ever wants to look at. Maybe he’s been afraid of not being loved back.
He swallows hard, reaches for every bit of confidence and courage performing has ever given him, forces himself to be brave the way the industry has taught him to be. Moonlight filters in through the window and he thinks your eyes might actually house the milky way in them somehow.
“I love you, still – always. I never stopped.”
He can’t breathe because you’re just looking at him, stunned and disbelieving, tears collecting on your lash-line but not falling, never falling, and he feels like the fucking worst for telling you now, this way, this bluntly – but he knows if he didn’t say anything he would have never said anything, and he’s not sure he could have survived that, so the words had fallen from his lips hard and heavy and desperate to be said. (And a part of him is still surprised he even managed to say them at all, rushed and frantic as they were.)
“I –“ Your brow is furrowed and your voice is thick, but when he reaches to brush your tears away you let him and his lungs start to tentatively fill themselves with oxygen again.
When you smile it is watery and weak but it is there, and he feels like sunlight has reappeared in the lining of his skin, bright and blinding and warm.
