seen from Germany
seen from Brazil
seen from Libya
seen from Malaysia
seen from Finland
seen from Portugal
seen from Germany
seen from Canada
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from Portugal
seen from India
seen from Russia
seen from Japan
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from Portugal
seen from Canada
seen from Bulgaria
seen from Russia
Questing Beasts: The Account of Sir Terrance, Former Knight of the Round Table of Creatures, Both Mystic and Arcane.
The Sub-Rosa Equus Caballus
Steed of the Rosy Shadow Realm, if caught by a true knight, will serve him for a year and a day as the fastest mount they have ever seen; however, during that year, the rider of the Sub-Rosa Equus Caballus will be unable to tell a lie. However, everyone who sees you will find they can not bring themselves to talk about it.
My sister-in-law is pregnant with her third child. Yesterday when they told me about it, I could not help but compared myself to her. By my age, she was already holding the second baby in her arms. It is not that I wished to be in her place. Not at all. It is about a part of womanhood I am not sure to explore.
I remember one time someone said I was not "motherly" enough. I am honestly still trying to figure out what I was supposed to feel about that statement. I was young and I even agreed that it was true.
Years later, I came to the full realization that I will never know how truly to be a woman, a wife, or a mother.
One should have seen the signs. *I* should have seen the signs. Since childhood, I never understand when the girls said their mothers are their inspirations on being a woman, a wife, or a mother. I did not understand why others celebrated the mother's day with such excitement. When a teacher asked me about my favourite home-cooked meal, my mind went blank.
One should have seen the signs. *I* should have seen the signs. I never missed home. Even when I was across the ocean, I never felt homesick. I always felt baffled when my roommate spent hours talking to her mother through the phone. I never wanted to call mine. Each time I was in trouble, I knew I only had myself to rely on.
One should have seen the signs. *I* should have seen the signs. As shallow as it seems, in the lines of de Chirico or Joan Didion, our favourite arts tell something hidden inside us. It is no longer a coincidence that I chose Monica over Rachel. Or when I thought Sharp Objects was the best show. Or why Old Money by Lana Del Rey is my absolute favourite since its release ten years ago. Or why I did not find the opening lines of L'etranger by Albert Camus as odd.
Looking closely at the vivid memories inside my head, I found all the answers but love. My mother was never really here. She only took up spaces in this world. The pretty face who never gets a headache—mind you it is not a compliment. I honestly would be jealous of her if only it was not me who bears the consequences of the invisible scars. I already have her visage and I somehow always feel that I am one misstep away of becoming her entirely and the possibility of it fills my head with dread.
They told me that I'd be a great mother, that I am too smart to make the same mistakes. I know I'd be a great mother if I wanted to. I know I am smart. But you see, my ability to trust myself is one of the things she took away from me. And now all that left is rage.
— July 20th 2024.
Always listen to your intuition. Always.
Cleaning up my drawers. Opened one that contains a sixteen-pages of essay from someone, an essay he made to explain his feelings for me. Another one with letters and poems and jewelleries from others. Another one with a paper doll that I made together with one of them.
For now, keeping all of these things safe is my way to say that I am sorry. I am sorry that I did not choose them in the end. I am sorry that I did not let them stay in my life. I hope everyone who adored me, loudly and proudly, eventually get all the love they deserve from someone else.
Me, as a perfume:
Top Notes
Musk
Excessive Daydreaming
Red Wine
Middle Notes
Fig (à la Plath)
Araucaria
Water Lily
Base Notes
Tangerine Blossom
Pear
Insouciance
Just saw one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Effortlessly cool. Tan skin. Without any make up. Short hair. Short black dress. Black boots.
How come someone figuring out the style that truly suits them? I want that too ♡
Finally had a chance to call my sister. She has been so busy for the last two months. We talked throughout the night to the early morning.
At one point we were laughing ungodly and she paused to say "We are like that two laughing foxes meme, you know?"
I really like those flowers arranged on a living tree type of decoration.
