Warnings: Injury mentions, suppressing emotions, everyone needs a gorram hug, emotional hurt.
Tags: @strosmkai-rum @nirnrootemporium
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I pulled up my hood as I came out of the west wing, nodding to Caroline.
"Marm," she greeted me. "The Grandmaster is on the parapet."
I smiled at her. "Thank you." Someone must have told her Jauffre was expecting me.
"Marm... Is the Emperor alright?"
I gave a lusty sigh. "He'll be fine. He just needs-" My mind skipped through a dozen possibilities before giving an empty shrug. Somewhere inside me, something quaked, like a house shifting on unstable foundations. I took a wobbly breath. "He'll be fine."
I gave the Imperial a sharp nod and hurried to the walls. I absolutely could not afford to break down right now. The Blades needed me as much as Martin did. Maybe more, now the Emperor was out of commission for a while.
From what I'd seen, while the Blades looked to the Grandmaster for command, they looked to the Emperor for salvation. I existed in a nebulous space between Master and Bodyguard, yet somehow still aside from both. It made me more approachable, I supposed. Able to bridge the gap between them and the Blades. With Martin temporarily unavailable, the Blades already seemed to be looking at me for something... Hope, maybe. That a regular person could survive this chaos, wanting to see themselves reflected in me.
I recalled Jauffre's attitude, how he'd been beside himself with anger. How he'd shut himself off once he thought I had the task handled. I raised my head to where he stood, dark against the snowy scenery. If there was nothing there when I got to him... Without the Master or the Bodyguard, then that would mean I-
My knees buckled and I grabbed at the wall for support.
"Marm, are you alright?"
I looked up to find Roliand at my elbow, his brow furrowed with concern.
"I'm fine. Just- Light headed suddenly." I gave him a weak smile. "I guess I used up more energy than I thought, healing the Emperor."
Roliand frowned, then reached into a pocket and handed me some baked apple rings. "Well, here. Eat this. You need to keep your strength up, marm."
I pushed down on the tremor again.
"Thank you. I will," I told him and took the fruit. Roliand looked at me expectantly until I took a bite, then nodded and moved on. The fruit was sweet and lightly spiced. The flavour helped bring me back from dwelling on the metaphysical, giving me the energy to approach the Grandmaster.
He was leaning against the parapets, looking out as he often did at the winking lights of Bruma city. The wind was shrill and bitter here, filled with the scent of ice. Behind us, the weak sun dipped down behind the Jerral Mountains, like a watery egg with a broken yoke, coating the peaks with insipid yellow light.
"Grandmaster," I greeted him. He gave only the slightest tilt of his chin towards me. "The Emperor's leg has been healed, and he is resting comfortably in his chambers. I want to examine it again tomorrow though, just to be sure. His Majesty also has a minor concussion. The general healing may have helped, but to be sure he should avoid any strenuous mental exercise for the next few days." I paused, but Jauffre made no comment. "I'll speak to Baragon about it then. As His Majesty's primary physician, he should be made aware."
Jauffre's fingers tightened on the top of the wall, his knuckles turning white.
"Grandmaster?"
Once again, I felt that precipitous shift within. Cinnamon and acid warred at the back of my throat. I swallowed it back.
"How?" Jauffre demanded. "How am I supposed to keep him safe?"
"Grandmaster..."
"What am I to do when he won't stay where he can be watched?"
"Grandmaster!" I said firmly. Jauffre finally looked at me. "Perhaps it would be more prudent to continue this conversation in private?"
For a moment he looked confused, then glanced to either side of him, at Arcturus in the sentry tower, and at Roliand walking away.
"Ah. Yes," he said, his tone dropping back to its usual mild state. "Perhaps it would. Come, then."
I have seen the Grandmaster move with purpose, and I have seen him saunter on patrol, but until that moment I had never seen him stalk.
Ferocious strides took us back into Cloud Ruler, into the East wing. We stopped in the stairwell that led up to the mess hall. When it became obvious that Jauffre had no intent on continuing, I sank onto the second step. The cold of the stone seeped through the chinks in my armour, making my bruises and sore muscles pinch with pain.
"What am I to do with him, hrm?" the Grandmaster blurted, sweeping back and forth within the narrow well. "How am I to do my duty if he cannot stay where I can protect him. In all my years serving the Ruby Throne, no other emperor has behaved in such a way!"
"Jauffre," I said, suddenly wearied to the bone. "I am not saying that you have no right to be disgruntled. I quail to think of all the might-have-beens that arose from this misadventure. But please, you must remember: Martin is a Septim in blood, yes, but not by circumstance. He's a scholar and a priest, brought up on a farm. One day he-" A tremble entered my voice. I swallowed and tried again. "One day he will be the greatest Emperor to have ever ruled. But right now he doesn't know how.
"No other Septim has had their home attacked by dread creatures from a gate of fire. No other Septim has been cajoled by a beggarly-looking messenger to run to the furthest corner of Cyrodiil, and allow themselves to be sequestered in effective isolation for months on end. No other Septim has had a crown dropped in their lap quite like this." I shook my head, blinking away water from tired eyes. "Honestly, I'm surprised this didn't happen sooner."
"I grant the circumstances of his childhood have left him ill-prepared," Jauffree said, pausing in his pacing. I looked up to see him standing with arms loosely crossed, fingers almost in spasm at how fast they drummed against an elbow. "But he is no longer a child. Knowing how to rule or not, he understands what's before us. And yet he chose to ignore counsel and go running off, out of my protective reach."
I paused from where I was rubbing my temples, and looked up. "This isn't just about today is it?" I asked. "You're afraid of losing track of him again. Like you did when he left the Mages Guild to join the cult of Sanguine?"
The tapping fingers stilled, curling into a fist instead. The Grandmaster looked away from me.
"Nine guide me," I mumbled. "Jauffre, I'm sure that wasn't your fault. The way I heard it, he left swiftly and unexpectedly. There was no way you could have predicted-"
"Except I should have done," he said, voice deep and bitter. "It was my final assignment, to keep tabs on the boy, keep him as safe as I could. Instead, I failed Martin. I failed my Lord Uriel. And I am still failing them."
I took a breath. "Then this is your second chance. This excursion was a blip and nothing more, he'll be more careful in future." I stood, wincing at my aches, and grasped the Grandmaster's elbows. "You won't fail them a second time. I know you won't."
"And you can be so sure, can you?"
"As sure as I am that the Nine support us in their own way."
Jauffre gave a barked laugh at that. "Which is to say, you are not sure at all."
"I have faith, Jauffre. And!" I broke in before he could voice whatever thought was on his lips. "And I know it is not misplaced. You have the experience to guide us through this Crisis. All that training will come through when we need it. You won't fail, because it's not in you to fail. I know you can do this, Jauffre. I trust you." When he sighed and dropped his arms, I stepped back. It was a victory. Could I manage another?
I massaged my temples again. "Perhaps the close proximity is wearing on you. Jauffre, he's not going anywhere or doing anything more straining than listening to Baurus tell jokes for a few days. Why don't you take some time for yourself? Go to the Chapel in Bruma. Talk to someone more qualified than I. Find a bedmate in Olaf's. I don't care. Just take a few days for yourself. I will not leave Cloud Ruler until you return."
"Oh ho?" he raised an eyebrow. "And what will you do when I return?"
I looked him straight in the eye. "When he becomes your problem again, I will go down to Anvil and dance naked and drunk in the surf with the mermaids."
For a split second, I thought I was going to get my own telling off, then the Grandmaster threw his head back and laughed until he cried.
"Maybe..." he said, wiping his eyes. "Maybe you are right. Maybe I should take a few days."
"At least consider it," I said, and patted him on the shoulder. "Now, I believe I have an Emperor to annoy by waking him every few hours."
