So 1 year ago yesterday was probably one of the most challenging days of my life. I was a fresh faced first year at university studying for a nursing degree and the 23rd May started out like most other days, except for the fact I was getting ready to go home to visit family and friends. At about 11am everything got turned upside-down.
We hadn’t seen Alex in a few weeks, but that was nothing new. As the year had progressed he had got more and more reclusive, at the start of the year we would see him cooking mountains of pasta in the kitchen or sitting in the corridor trying to get wifi so he could watch Arsenal play. Either that or he would be in the common room playing fifa, I suppose we just thought he was out with other people or just busy doing work. We tried to invite him out with us but I suppose I just felt that we were annoying him.
I was getting ready to go home and had just eaten breakfast so was doing my washing up when the maintenance guys showed up to change the shower heads as they did every now and then. They were working their way down the corridor when one of the came to get me. They had opened Alex’s door and seen him lying on the floor, when they hadn’t got a response I was the first person they saw and asked me to check on him. The words still ring loudly in my head “can you come and check on your mate”. A little confused I walked into his room and saw for myself why they were worried. There was Alex, lying next to his bed, wearing what he always did, a red t-shirt and beige 3/4 lengths. I knew something wasn’t right but wasn’t quite prepared for what I would see, I called out his name a few times and didn’t get a response so I walked further into the room. Then I saw the whole picture, a bag over his head with tubes going to gas canisters, my heart dropped. How long had he been there? could I help him? what should I do?
I bent down to shake him and as soon as I touched his skin I knew it was too late. I had never seen or touched a dead body at that point but it doesn’t take an expert to know when someone is beyond saving. He was freezing cold and stiff. In shock I pulled the bag off from over his head and checked for a pulse... nothing, I don’t know why I checked, I knew I wouldn’t find anything but I had to be sure. I did the only thing I could think of and called 999. I’d done it before but never while in this kind of shock.
“Emergency services, which service do you require” I froze. What service did I require? I knew the ambulance service couldn’t do anything but it was the first thing that sprung into my head so I went with it. “Ambulance service tell me exactly what’s happened” “It’s my flat mate, I think he’s dead, he’s cold and I can’t find a pulse” The rest of the call was a bit of a blur. I remember being told to open the window and leave the room if there was gas but that’s about it. I went outside and a paramedic turned up within about 3 mins. I directed him inside and he confirmed what I already knew when he radioed control and said there was nothing he could do.
I must have panicked the emergency services when, in my shock, I said there was gas canisters in the room (Tiny, empty, helium canisters but gas none the less). Next thing I know another two ambulances (one being the Hazardous area response team), several fire engines and at least 4 police cars show up and i’m lost in a flurry of activity. They had evacuated the whole building, my other flat mates were showing up wondering what was going on and I had to break unthinkable news, this person you’ve lived with for the last 8 months has killed themselves.
The rest of the day is all a bit fuzzy, I had to give a statement to the police and then some councillors and other people from the uni turned up to find out how we were coping. The only thing going through my head was wondering how bad it had to get for someone to think they were better off dead than living. How could I have let this happen so someone who lived just 2 doors away. I was training to be a nurse, I was meant to be resolving suffering, how could I let this happen?
I suppose I wrote this for a couple of reasons, one of them being to get a few things off my chest, the other one being that if one person reads this and decides that suicide isn’t the option then that can only be a good thing! We never found out why Alex killed himself, It might have been because he didn’t want to do the course at uni, It could have been that he didn’t like living in this country. I guess we’ll never find out.
All that matters is that suicide isn’t the answer, It might seem like it’s the only way out and that the people around you would be better off if you weren’t there but that’s just not true. There are always people who love you and will be more than happy to listen to you. You don’t have to go through things alone. It’s not the end of the world if things aren’t going well, please, talk to someone, ring the samaritans (116 123 (now free to call)) there are people who will listen.
Just remember, things will get better.
