You’ve been coping so well so far. So many weeks – months – passed with you feeling like this but you always managed to withhold them.
But tonight was different. Tonight he was too close, too real.
Too close.
Tonight your mind was chasing itself, running round and around in circles to a point where you couldn’t cope with it any longer. The feeling itself became too much.
If you didn’t say anything now, you felt like the words would force themselves out of you and leave you a mess of a person on the ground.
You stopped, eyes automatically falling onto your feet.He walked a little ahead of you, not you were no longer by his side.
Or maybe he ignored it.
“ Yoongi.”
Although it was your voice calling out, you never felt the words leave your lips. You stared at your hands, your slightly shaking hands that didn’t feel like your hands.
Were you always going to be this pathetic?
You lifted your gaze, cutting your train of thought. Your eyes automatically found Yoongi. They watched him as he continued to walk on, alone.
You watched him take those steps, allowing yourself a moment to simply take him in before everything would change. A few lonely seconds ticked by before he stopped and started to turn your way. You fisted your hands and immediately shoved them into your pockets.
You couldn’t let him see you like this.Not now.
Especially not now.
He let out a small breath, which became visible in the air.
A small puff of grey.
There was a gap between the two of you now.
It wasn’t a big one.
Maybe 10 small steps.
But it was a gap none the less.
A gap which you so very ached for him to close.
You let out a small sigh, lifting your gaze towards the clear night sky.
It was a Wednesday night.
A working night.
A night which resulted in the streets being mostly deserted, especially so deep into the night. However, there was the spare odd car or person here and there. The two of you were truly an exception.
An exception that was repeated on most working nights.
An exception which was caused by coming back from one of the meals you shared. Each night one of you would drag the other out for food; at exactly 2am each time. A meal before burying yourselves back in work.
Now that you thought about it, what the two of you shared was honestly more like a sit-in takeout than an actual meal.
Food bought from a small shop you wouldn’t have looked at twice if you were a passer-by at any other time, on any other day.
But it was a meal all the same, thanks to the company more so than the food.
“ Why are you just standing there?” His chuckle finally broke the silence.
You looked up at him, his voice bringing you back to the present.
Your eyes lingered on him. He had his hands in the pockets of his coat, shielding them from the cool air. His face was softly lit by the light orange glow of the nearby streetlight, casting half of his face in a shadowy darkness while the other remained softly lit. His lips were slightly pulled into a small smile.
It was a tired smile, one you’ve seen often enough by now.
He smiled that way each time he labelled a beat as complete, song lyrics as finished. It was a smile of happiness, of content.
It was a smile that made you smile.
And you did, your lips which began pulling at the corners acted as a trigger for your eyes to break contact and fall back down again.
Could you even do this? With him standing like that? Smiling like that?
A feeling rose in your chest; a slight pressure which you welcomed in.
It was a feeling which would make you feel oh-so-very stupid if not for the fact that you enjoyed it so much. It was a feeling which over-powered any common sense you might have had. Honestly, it scared you a little - not only because of how strong it was, but also because of how easily you indulged yourself it in – welcoming it in as if it belonged.
Each time you were alone with Yoongi or even looked at him for a little too long or a little too carefully, the sensation came.
It was like a game, a pathetic game that got especially worse in quiet situations such as these, with your mind unable to occupy or side-track itself with anything else but him.
What the two of you shared wasn’t big or grand, but it became something all the same.
Something you could count on, knowing perfectly well that it would be there if you ever needed it. Knowing that he would be there whenever you needed him to be.
The ever-present pillar of support.
He and it became something you depended on for help, whether you realized it or not.
You couldn’t even exactly pin point how the thing you shared got so… much.
It started off with simple requests to look over a beat or a verse, to helping with said beat or verse.
Then it turned into sleepless nights at either studio or nights out with this group of friends or the other. It became something you were very comfortable with, to the point where the two of you shared and spoke of things neither had discussed to such extents with another person before.
Being around him felt so easy.
The silence that fell when the two of you were working was as comfortable and light as the conversations you shared over meals like the one you just had.
It was nice.
It was easy.
It worked.
At least, you thought so.
You hoped he did too.
‘’ Hey, ‘’ he called again, his voice alone forcing you to look up, ‘’ are you okay?’’
‘’ Yeah,’’ you smiled, making the few steps forward to close the gap.
You had never told him that you thought that way and came to think that you would die trying.
But keeping this feeling inside and unmentioned was becoming harder and harder, especially since it had been growing with each meal, with each night at either studio.
The two of you continued walking and although neither of you said anything else, you could feel his eyes resting on you. Only after a few steps did he focus on the street ahead of him.
There were a few times which had you believing that he felt for you what you feel for him. Each time the two of you would end up sitting beside each other in too tight of a space, legs and arms pressed against each other. When he would lean in a little too much to reach for something across the table, or say phrase a sentence a little too softly.
You even thought you caught him staring a few times while working, but you never called him out on it, not daring to.
Perhaps you should have.
You walked a little further in silence before Yoongi broke it, speaking up first.
‘’ Are you sure everything’s alright? You seem to be elsewhere today.’’
You didn’t answer him.
How could you?
How could you explain all of this to him? Was there even a way to do it?
‘’ At the studio I had to call your name three times before you looked at me, ‘’ he chuckled out, ‘’ and then while we ate. I’m still not too sure whether you heard me complaining about what Jin and Jungkook-ah were bickering about.’’
A smile softly spread across your lips, hidden behind your scarf.
About Jin’s snacks going missing.
‘’ Really Y/n, ‘’ he continued, eyes falling back to you, ‘’ if you want to call it a night, I’ll have someone drop you off at-‘’
‘’ No, really, ‘’ you started, turning to lock eyes with him, ‘’ I’m okay…’’
He looked at you.
You tried to bare the gaze. To hold it.
But you broke under the pressure, eyes falling back to your feet.
‘’ You’re not okay, I can see you’re not-‘’
‘’Its just, ‘’ you started, stopping again.
This time he stopped walking the moment you did.
You dug your nails into your palms. What were you doing?!
You looked up at him, finding his dark eyes looking right back at you. His gaze was warm and friendly and you held onto it. The feeling in your chest, the pressure, it became too much.
You couldn’t just ignore it anymore. If it wasn’t today, then it was never.
And never was an awful word who’s meaning you couldn’t bare.
So it was today.
It was now.
‘’ I like you Yoongi.’’
For a horrible second, nothing happened. His expression didn’t alter, his lips didn’t curl up into a smile and he didn’t say anything. The words just hung in the air, like shattered glass waiting to fall. Everything felt horrible and for a moment you felt exposed, as if everything would come crashing down within moments.
But then he smiled, eyes slightly scrunching up.
‘’ I like you too, you’re one of my closest-‘’
‘’ No Yoongi, ‘’ you said, frowning. It took everything in you to interrupt him, to make him realize the weight of the words you had just spoken.
The confession.
‘’ I like you Yoongi. ‘’ Your voice hitched a little, but you hoped, prayed that he would see you.
Hear you.
‘’ Oh. ‘’ He said, looking at you with parted lips and a small frown.
‘’ Oh. ‘’ With the repeated word came a step back.
A step that killed you.
Your gaze fell onto your feet again and you felt your heart shatter inside of your hollowness that repeated his 2 lettered word.
Oh.
‘’ I’m sorry.’’ You whispered, voice muffled by your scarf. You couldn’t even hear the whispered apology and you doubted very much that Yoongi could hear it.
You wanted to disappear. You shouldn’t have said anything.
How stupid of you.
What did you expect would happen? That he’d say the same words back? That he felt for you what you feel for him?
Stupid.
The awful silence dragged on and with each minute that passed you wanted to disappear that much more.
‘’ I’m.. ‘’ He suddenly said, finally looking up at you.
You didn’t dare meet his gaze, but you felt his eyes on you.
‘’ I’m incredibly humbled by your words, really, ‘’ his tone wasn’t hard, ‘’ it’s just… ‘’
His voice trailed off, but after a small sigh Yoongi continued.
‘’ Its just that I thought we were work friends.’’
Word Friends.
Did work friends do what the two of you done?
Did ‘work friends’ spend time with eachothers friends, the way the two of you had? Did ‘work friends’ go out to late night dinners in between working slots the way the two of you do? Did apparent work friends talk about subject the two of you talked about, or even confessed and discussed eachothers lives as thoroughly and deeply as you and Yoongi had?
You didn’t know.
But you did know that you had never had such a ‘work friend’ like Yoongi ever before.
‘’ Work friends.’’ You whispered, tone laced with defeat.
‘’ Yea. ‘’ Yoongi mumbled out, shoving his hands deeper into his pockets.
Brief summary You and Yoongi have been an item for a short while now, but things go south when the two of you fight before he leaves for tour. Neither of you speak for 2 months and you make some choices that you regret, thinking that the relationship is over. Once he comes back, however…
word count: 3,981
main pairing: Yoongi x Reader
genre: angst
warnings: swearing
a/n: last chapter... for now i think. I’m not too happy with it, to be honest and i think its mostly to do with the ending. someday i may come back and do a pt9 if I find there to be enough to write about. But i digress! Thank you all for sticking around and reading this series - whether you’ve been here from the start { you know who you are^^ } or if you’ve just found it. Thank you for supporting me, for re-blogging and leaving comments. Writing honestly means the world to me. Thank you for supporting a piece of it <.3
!! open to any chat / criticism !!
You walked out of the apartment and didn’t look back. Couldn’t.
If you stopped now or at any other point during the day, looked back or even thought twice it would all be lost. It would all come crashing down, caving in on itself in its own pitiful way.
So you didn’t.
You followed your thought without looking back, telling yourself that its okay and that you’ll live.
But they didn’t hit, the words you half-heartedly told yourself weren’t believed in or even acknowledged.
First up was your workplace.
When you first started working here, you were all too sure that it would last. It was the perfect place to you in every sense and meaning of the word. During your years here, there were a few hiccups here and there, but it was nothing major. Each and every workplace has its own issues now and then and this one was no exception. However, in the end they all turned into inside jokes or valuable lessons that more than one person learnt from. You would often repeat how you’d come crashing down with the place if it ever came to it, how you would go down with the ship if the business started to sink.
It was your comfort corner when you first moved to Seoul. Moved out from your small hometown into a huge industrial city. Not only a city, but a capital. The capital. Although you remembered how utterly nervous and shaken you were first during the job interview and then later on your first day, the place soon became one of the few places which didn’t send your heart and body shaking. It became familiar and friendly, instead of strange and angry. You were dedicated and determined to stay and continue building your career here, convinced that you would continue climbing up with each promotion. You were all too determined to stay, knowing perfectly well in your mind that you’d give up anything to save this place.
But now…Now you couldn’t even bring yourself to feel anything as you were walking away, leaving behind a letter of resignation without a moment’s hesitation.
The dorms were a bit of a walk away, but you didn’t mind.
You walked and let your eyes fall on your surroundings, taking everything in. First, the busy people, all rushing past with their own lives to chase and catch up with. Some had their faces buried in their phones, too absorbed with their own issues to acknowledge anyone else. Others, however, did look at each other and smiled in a greeting, unwilling to force themselves to say ‘ hello ‘ . Secondly, you allowed yourself to looked up at the sky as you walked, your breath visible in the surrounding cold air. You noticed how clear the sky was, a nice pale blue color with some stray puffs of white here and there. You noticed how the sun’s rays fell on the leaves of the trees, how the light bounced off the hurrying people beside you. You took some comfort in the surrounding buzz, in the rushing sound of the wind or the rumble of the engines of the cars beside you, grateful for any noise as a source of distraction.
But all noise died down a bit once you turned onto the street on which the boys lived.
You counted the steps as you reached their front door. You lifted your hand.
For a few fleeting moments it hesitated before the door.
You stared at your hand for a second, forcing it to knock once, twice, three times.
Deep breath.
The door swung open.
Jungkook, a surprised, ‘’ oh, ‘’ leaving his lips.
You forced a smile after a few moments of him staring.
‘’ What? Did you expect the delivery guy? ‘’
He lightly chuckled, stepping aside and motioning for you to come in.
‘’ No, no, ‘’ he quickly replied, scratching the back of his neck as he closed the door with his other hand, ‘’ its just that Yoongi-hyung is at his studio right now…’’
‘’ I know. ‘’ Another smile.
‘’ You do?’’
‘’ Yea.’’ You said, breaking his gaze as you started to rummage in your bag, forcing yourself to act as if you didn’t notice how odd it was for you to show up like this, uninvited and out of the blue.
Jungkook stood quietly in front of you, watching.
You didn’t blame him for not saying anything. You weren’t quite sure what you would say if you were in his position, either.
‘’ Ah, ’’ you finally exclaimed as you started to pull out a black cord from out of your bag, ‘’ you guys left this. I’m pretty sure it’s from the console.’’
Jungkook took the cord from your outstretched hand. He frowned, examining it.
‘’Are you sure-‘’
‘’ Was that the delive!-oh.’’ Taehyung walked out into the hallway, stopping when he saw you. A smile spread across his lips as he quickly hurried over to you, pulling you into a hug as he wrapped his arms around you.
‘’ Y/n! What are you doing here?! You’re freezing! Did you walk here?’’
His concerned remarks made you frown, breaking his gaze as he let you go. You swallowed back the pathetic lump that was starting to form, forcing down a sob along with it.
You looked up at him after a while, a small smile on your lips.
‘’ Y/n? She’s here? ‘’ Jimin asked, head peeking from one of the rooms. He chuckled a little after seeing the three of you standing in the hallway. ‘’ Why are you guys just standing there?’’ He laughed.
‘’ Right.’’ Jungkook said, shoving the cord into his back pocket before leading the way into the main room.
Jimin was quick to get up onto his feet and make his way to you as the other two passed by and settled themselves in the room. He pulled you into a hug, molding himself into you as he buried his face in the crook of your neck. You clung onto him, lightly balling his shirt in your fist before forcing yourself to not think.
‘’ Are you guys the only ones here?’’ You asked as you all settled down.
‘’ Yea. ‘’ Taehyung answered.
‘’ Namjoon, Jin and Hobi-hyung are going over the choreography. They should be back soon enough though, if you want to stick around?’’ Jungkook asked, his eyes locking with yours.
You looked away, focusing on the sky outside through the window. ‘’ Ah no, that’s okay. I just came by to drop off the cord.’’
‘’ The cord?’’ Jimin asked, frowning, ‘’ what cor-‘’
‘’ The one from the console.’’ Jungkook interrupted, pulling out the thing and handing it over to Jimin.
The boy took the thing from him and inspected it in the same way the youngest did. He frowned a little, opening his mouth a little as he looked up at Jungkook. But the younger’s eyes must have said something that his mouth didn’t, because Jimin’s eyes were quick to fall on you. You felt his eyes on you and for a moment you let him take you in before you met his gaze.
He was still frowning, an unspoken question on his still parted lips. But his mouth closed when you didn’t break the gaze. Instead, his expression softened and he nodded a little, as if understanding what was happening.
You quietly thanked him for not asking out loud.
‘’Or you could come over later today?’’ Taehyung asked, his eyes flicking from one person to the next.
‘’ I just came by to drop off the cord.’’ You repeated, getting up with a small smile.
‘’ Oh, okay. ‘’ He said, getting up as well. He led the way to the door, but you came to a stop as you were just about to leave the main room. You turned around and looked at the 2 younger boys sitting down, each focusing on something on the floor.
‘’ See you.’’ You said, lifting your hand up in a good-bye.
They looked up, eyes a little wide.
‘’ See you. ‘’
A soft reply.
You turned around and locked your eyes on Taehyung who was waiting at the door, rummaging through some drawer. Just as you walked up to him, the boy managed to pull out a-
‘’ Scarf?’’ You asked, slightly taken back.
‘’ Yea.’’ He said, staring at you, ‘’ it’s really cold out right now.’’
You smiled at him, taking the scarf from his outstretched hand.
You tugged at him a little, pulling him into a hug.
‘’ Thank you, ‘’ you whispered to him, a small crack audible in your voice.
‘’ Please stay safe, Y/n.’’ He whispered back, his own voice hitching.
During your walk to the next place you didn’t bother noticing anything. You felt too empty and any specific thought would throw you into a fit of sobs, so you locked your eyes on your feet and counted as you made each step instead. 1…2…3..4…5…6..7..8…
By the time you were nearing the place of their dance practice studio, the sun was a few hours past its highest point. For a moment you managed to question if they were still in there and if they would let you in, as agreed on beforehand. But they didn’t fail. Hoseok cleared you upon entrance and you were quick to make your way down to them after that. You counted the doors as you passed by them, eventually finding the one from which familiar muffled music was coming from.
You slipped into the room, softly closing the door behind you while finding a dancing Hoseok and Namjoon. They were both dancing at the same time, Joon watching Hoseok as they both completed the moves at the same time, with the elder watching the other in the reflection of the mirror. You watched as they danced, sharp moves following each beat.
Once the song ended and the two broke out of their finishing positions you clapped a few times.
‘’ Y/n. ‘’ Hoseok smiled, spinning around to look at you, ‘’ so you ended up coming after all?’’ He breathed out.
You smiled softly at him, ‘’ of course. Good job on the moves. ‘’
‘’ Thanks. ‘’ Namjoon smiled in reply, reaching down for his bottle of water. He pressed it against his forehead, relishing in the feeling for a moment and catching his breath before speaking up again, ‘’ you just missed Jin, by the way. He walked out about 5 minutes ago.’’
‘’ Ah, that’s okay, ‘’ you mumbled before quickly changing the topic, ‘’ so how are all of you getting along? The choreo looks a lot faster than before.’’
Joon chuckled, ‘’ you’re telling me?!’’
‘’ Ah, you’re doing well.’’ Hoseok said,patting Namjoon’s back before taking a swing from his own water bottle.
‘’ We’re all doing okay for the stage that we are at, to be frank… ‘’ He trailed off, hesitating a bit.
You briefly prepped yourself for his next words, knowing quite well what was coming next.
‘’ You’ll all do great. ‘’ You smiled, flicking your eyes from one to the other, ‘’ you always do.’’
‘’ Thanks.’’ Joon smiled while Hoseok breathed out a small, distracted ‘yea’, his eyes focused on the floor. Namjoon took another swing of his water before taking a few steps away from you, focusing on his reflection in the mirror as he practiced some of the faster moves.
You and Hoseok stood side by side for a while, quietly watching Joon go over the moves. You counted the seconds as they ticked by.
‘’ Y/n…’’ Hoseok spoke up.
There it was.
‘’ Do you know if Yoongi is planning on stopping by to go over some of the choreo? He says he’s working on something in his studio, but… ‘’
You pretend not to notice his eyes flicking to you as your focus remained on Namjoon instead. Your hands turned to fists at your sides as you clung onto your coat as you crossed your arms.
‘’ I’m not too sure, sorry Hobi.’’
He smiled a little, ‘’ it’s okay. I’ll just talk to him later on.’’
More silent seconds passed by as the two of you quietly watched Joon practice. Eventually the silence was broken when he spoke up.
‘’ Hey! Is it like this,’’ Namjoon stepped forward with his left foot then back with the right, doing an arm motion at the same time, ‘’ or is it with the right first then the left?’’
‘’ It’s with the left first, but the arm goes right at- no you need to do it- okay, yea now you just have to- no- wait, ‘’ Hoseok sighed, turning to look at you.
‘’ Give me a moment?’’
‘’ Ah no, don’t mind me. I have to get going now anyway.’’
‘’ You do?’’ Namjoon asked, a bit taken back. He took a few steps to close the distance between Hoseok, you and him. ‘’ I thought you were going to stay until the rest came? Then we could go-‘’
‘’ Maybe some other day. ‘’ You smiled at him.
‘’ Oh yea, of course.’’
You looked at him, actually taking him in.
His wide, startled eyes. His flushed cheeks and pushed back hair. It would have made you giggle on any other occasion. His red cheeks reminded you of the early days where you got to tag along with him and Yoongi, sometimes making trips to different take-out places, others to different small bars that didn’t overprice their stuff.
A pang went through you and you forced yourself to look away from Namjoon and quickly focus on Hoseok instead. On his usually bright smile and warm laugh. On how determined he was to keep others happy, to make them smile. You knew you could count on him, no matter what.
You took in a shaky breath before wrapping your arms around Namjoon. The action briefly startled him, but he hugged you back fast enough. You whispered a small ‘thank you’ to him, not knowing whether he heard you or not, but once you pulled away his expression told you that yes, he did.
Hoseok was quick to pull you into a hug right after. You buried your face in the crook of his neck when your eyes threatened to spill tears you could just about manage to hold back.
‘’ We’ll always be here for you. ‘’ He whispered, forcing you to bite your lip to not sob out.
‘’ Please take care of him.’’ You whispered back once you were sure your voice wouldn’t catch.
You felt him nod into you, but instead of cheering you up the action just broke you a little more.
Somehow, the trip back home felt short. Maybe it was the extra warmth that the scarf provided, or maybe it was the fact that you didn’t exactly want to be home. But then again, it wasn’t like you wanted to be anywhere right now.
You knew holding yourself together around them would be hard, but you didn’t expect it to be as difficult as it was. Maybe you should have thought it out more, played it off better. It took Jungkook a mere few seconds to realize that the cord you brought was bullshit and even less for Jimin to realize the same. Taehyung would have probably realized just as fast if he saw it, but it seemed like he figured everything out on his own. By the time you walked out, you were pretty sure that Jimin knew what was going on. Jungkook would have probably realized by now as well.
Then you came to see Namjoon… Hoseok…
You scoffed.
So much for you not dragging anyone else into this.
So much for you not dragging anyone else down.
Was this really what you wanted for them? Maybe you shouldn’t have even came, seen them all.
But would that not make things worse?
Didn’t you owe it? To Jimin, the only person who knew how to comfort you when nobody else did? When the people that knew you better couldn’t? To Hoseok, who you knew you could forever count on to be the life of anything, any situation? Who you depended on and asked small favors of, resulting in him complying with each one? To Namjoon, the one who helped you out no matter how weird your request or how inconvenient it was for him?
Didn’t you owe it to them all? For coping with you? For letting you be a part of their life, their group, if even for a while?
And how did you repay them for all of that?
You cried out, quickly pressing the scarf against your mouth to muffle out the pathetic noise. If you could just about manage to face them, how could you face Yoongi?
Could you?
You didn’t bother staying quiet when you hit home.
With each piece of your life you packed away came a memory. Each memory fueled the tears that blurred your vision, making you wipe at them with anger.
This was it, wasn’t it?
Today marked the last day of many things, didn’t it?
When you placed the bags in the small hallway, you managed to catch a glimpse of yourself in the small mirror. You noticed how red your eyes were, how puffy your cheeks. You didn’t recognize the reflection.
This time it was you who was left waiting for Jin.
It give you time to prep-talk yourself. To hold back tears and force your breathing to calm down, to slow down.
But it all proved useless when your eyes fell on Seokjin, your eyes automatically tearing up. You noticed how confused his expression was and how realization seemed to wash over him once his eyes fell on. He slipped into the seat across from you and quickly reached for your hand, squeezing it.
‘’ You don’t have to do this. Stay and talk to him, it’ll wo-‘’
‘’ It won’t. ‘’ You whispered, squeezing your eyes shut.
You couldn’t do this, couldn’t let him talk you into things like that. You would listen, you knew you would. And you couldn’t. Not now.
You couldn’t look up at him, knowing that once you saw his wide eyes and frown you’d break even more.
‘’ I’m so sorry.’’ Your voice caught as another quiet sob left your lips, ‘’ please take care of him. I shouldn’t ask this of you, but let me be selfish and request it of you. Please help him be okay.’’
You looked up at him with your wet cheeks, only to find him wiping at his own eyes.
He just nodded, unable to look at you.
You understood why.
The two of you sat in a quiet sobbing silence for a long while. Sometimes it was him squeezing your hand, others it was you reassuring him with a tight squeeze. Neither of you looked at the other, lost in your own mind and thoughts.
You wanted to thank Jin for everything. For being your listening ear, for saving you more than once. For getting you out of trouble, for being there. For being him.
And you wanted to apologize to him, most of all. For pulling him into this mess, your mess. But you also wanted to thank him because in your own selfish way you were thankful that he was willing to be there for you, despite what had happened.
But the actual goodbye wasn’t like that.
It was a long, tight hug outside as you lightly swayed from side to side, eyes too red and tried to cry. It was muffled whispers of ‘thank yous’ and ‘you’ll be okay’. It was soft.
It was gentle.
It was brutal.
Once you reached your door you slipped the key into the lock, only to find that the door was already unlocked.
A shiver went through you, mind going blank.
He was here.
You swung the door open, finding that your bags were exactly were you had left them.
‘’ Yoongi?’’ You called, stepping into the apartment, turning to shut the door, ‘’ are you here?’’
‘’ Are you leaving?’’
You stared at the door, your back facing him.
‘’ Shouldn’t you be at practice? Hoseok said you’ve missed rehear-‘’
‘’ Are you leaving?’’ He repeated, voice a little sharper.
‘’ You shouldn’t miss the practices. The choreography looks a lot more difficult than any of your previous-‘’
‘’ Look at me.’’ He whispered voice a lot closer now.
You could feel how close he was to you.
‘’ Please don’t do this.’’ He mumbled, pressing each palm against the door, caging you between it and his body, ‘’ don’t go.’’
You shuddered, eyes burning. Your breathing shallowed and your voice wouldn’t do what you wanted it to do.
‘’ Don’t go, ‘’ he repeated, voice more desperate, ‘’ I don’t give a fuck about anything you did, anything you thought of doing. I don’t fucking care. Just… please…’’
You shivered, shaking with a sob.
‘’ None of that matters, don’t you get that? ‘’ He pulled at your shoulder, forcing you to look at him.
‘’ Don’t you see how much you fucking matter to me? How much of me you’re holding, how much of me you’ve always held? If you go now or tomorrow or 50 fucking years from now I won’t be okay because you’ll be taking so many parts of me with you. ‘’
‘’ Yoongi, please-‘’ You whispered, shaking with a sob, ‘’you deserve better, someone good for you. Plea-‘’
‘’ Good for me! ‘’ He scoffed, taking a few steps away from you. ‘’ You’re good for me! So you messed around with other guys, big fucking deal.‘’ He threw his arms in the air, ‘’ I’m a big boy, I can handle that. Don’t treat me like a kid.’’
‘’ And what does that make me, huh?’’ You yelled, angry tears wetting your cheeks, ‘’ some fucking girlfriend I am, right?’’
‘’ A good one! We should have talked before I went. That’s what the fight was about to begin with, do you remember? I do. I realized when I walked in and saw the fucking bags right up at the front door. All of this started because we argued about us not communicating. ‘’
He scoffed, a bitter chuckle leaving his lips. ‘’ Well, they’re communication enough. The message is loud and clear. Now, please don’t fucking go.’’
You squeezed your eyes shut, taking in a shallow breath, ‘’ please don’t say that.’’
‘’ What? Don’t go? ’’ He asked, closing the space between the two of you to rest his forehead on yours, his own eyes squeezing shut, his breath gently fanning your face.
You looked up at him. There was hope in his tone and it was too clear for you. You knew that if you stayed a moment longer he would convince you into staying. Into repeating the loop. Into breaking him further.
A memory flashed by as you took in his soft expression of your fingertips tracing his round, gentle features as you lay side by side.
You reached out now, letting your trembling fingertips selfishly trace his features. You cupped his face and let your thumbs lightly run over his closed eyes, his cheekbones, his nose and eventually his soft lips.
You took them in yours and kissed him as softly as you could manage.
You pulled away after a while and his eyes fluttered open.
‘’ Thank you for everything.’’ You whispered, reaching to grab at your bags.
You turned around and reached for the handle, pressing on it to allow the door to open.
Brief summary You and Yoongi have been an item for a short while now, but things go south when the two of you fight before he leaves for tour. Neither of you speak for 2 months and you make some choices that you regret, thinking that the relationship is over. Once he comes back, however…
word count: 3,658
main pairing: Yoongi x Reader
genre: angst, light fluff?
warnings: n/a i think??
a/n: this is the longest chapter yet, i think haha. i’d like to give a quick thank you to @shoutingink & @jeaneteflo who never fail to leave a comment on the chapters which not only make me smile, but also encourage me to continue writing. thank you so much for reading and leaving any comments! they don’t go by unseen <3
if you want your tag removed/added, feel free to message me c:
!! I’m always open to messages of any sort !!
When the second knock came you paused the game and sat up, listening. You were tempted to wait for a third knock, so you stalled. Having company over didn’t particularly appeal to you right now, knowing perfectly well that it wasn’t Yoongi at the door right now. It couldn’t be. Although it was late, it wasn’t that late. Not late enough for him to be back. Besides, why would he knock? He had the keys.
Yet…
The small possibility that it was him made you dismiss the notion of waiting for a third knock. You left for the door, swinging it open – only to be taken back.
‘‘ Jimin?’‘ You mumbled.
It was him. Although his face was hidden behind a mask, you knew his frame too well to mistake him for anyone else.
You heard a muffled giggle.
‘‘ I know, I know. Sorry. ‘‘
His presence did take you by surprise at first and apparently your face clearly showed that, as suggested by his apology. It was somewhat uncommon for any of the boys to show up at your place on their own. Although you were friends and close with all of them, usually you all stayed in here as a group, rarely as a pair. Saying that, you weren’t unhappy to see him.
You stepped away from the door and motioned for Jimin to enter, which he swiftly did.
‘‘ I know it’s late, I’m sorry to barge in on you like this, ‘‘ He smiled, pulling down his face-mask and unzipping his hoodie, all while stepping into the small hallway.
You shook your head, letting him know that it wasn’t a big deal.
‘‘ The missing console, ‘’ He started, pausing when you motioned for him to follow you deeper into the apartment, ‘’Jungkook-ah… He realized that it didn’t make the trip back to the dorms with us last night,‘‘ he continued, following after you into the kitchen.
‘‘ So he wants it back? ‘‘ You asked, smirking to yourself. Of course he did.
You pointed at the kettle, to which Jimin nodded. You prepped 2 cups for tea.
‘‘ He’s not the only one, to be honest. ‘‘ He sighed, shaking his head.
‘‘ Taehyung? ‘‘ You wondered.
‘‘ Tae. ‘‘ He confirmed.
You chuckled in response, knowing pretty well what the situation at the dorms must be like right now. Since they were preoccupied with preparations for their comeback, gaming acted as a nice breakaway for them. It never really resulted in anything serious if their gaming was put to a temporary stop, just some whining and questions of when they could play again.
‘‘ So you’re the diplomat this time? ‘‘ You questioned, turning around to reach for the boiled kettle.
‘‘ Ah, I wouldn’t say that. But he’s the youngest. And he likes playing it, so why not let him, you know? ‘‘
You smiled to yourself, knowing just how much Jimin cared for their youngest member. When you first realized how young Jungkook was when he joined the group, it scared you a little. Leaving parents that young would have been hard for anyone. You knew that the boys would take care of him – of course they would – but your heart was put at ease most significantly by your witnessing just how much Jimin cared for Jungkook. Although it was undeniable that they all cared for eachother, the fact that the youngest member had, and still has, his own personal carer always made your heart soften and rest at ease. To know that someone that young had someone who he could rely on – someone that acted as a trusted older brother. It also made you admire Jimin a lot, as he was a kid himself back then, but decided to take care of another anyway in such a significant manner. You knew that doing such a thing put a lot of pressure on somebody; a big responsibility. Yet Jimin never complained and never failed to rise above and beyond the set out expectations that were placed upon him.
You smiled a little, remembering how grateful you felt – and still feel - that you got to experience his big heart first-hand.
Soon enough the two of you were sitting down across from eachother on the small table that the somewhat little kitchen allowed. You wrapped your hands around the warm mug, appreciating the heat that warmed your stiff hands; stiff from sitting in one position for the majority of the day, staring at the TV screen.
For a few moments, neither of you spoke.
And it was okay.
When it came to Jimin, he seemed to make everything easier. Interactions and conversations with him always seemed effortless. They always flowed and never stumbled. He carried an atmosphere with him that made even silence feel comforting. If he told you that you would be okay, no matter the situation and the context in which it was said, you believed him - believed that you would be fine. Believed that things would somehow work themselves out. You knew how comforting his words were.
Although you knew the boys for the same amount of time that they have known eachother, you have grown closest with Jimin probably the latest. It wasn’t really anything planned - and it wasn’t that one of you disliked the other - the two of you simply didn’t spend a lot of time alone within eachothers company alone to bond close. You were usually off with Yoongi and he with Jungkook or Taehyung. It was more common for you to tease him within the presence of the entire group, or for him to joke around while his friends were around. However, that changed one day – and for that night you would be forever indebted to, to Jimin. If you honestly thought about it, you knew why you sought him out that night, him instead of Yoongi. You sometimes heard Yoongi mention how if he ever had any issues he couldn’t deal with, Jimin would be the first person he would go to. He came to explain that there wasn’t a thing Jimin would say that wouldn’t be helpful, that comforting others almost came as second nature to him. That really stuck with you.
Although you had your own friends, you didn’t want them around at the time. They were too close, which meant that they wouldn’t know what to say and how to comfort you. So it was Jimin’s number that you sought out. He came as soon as you texted. Although he was a bit startled at first, finding you sobbing in your room, he didn’t stand frozen for long. Somehow, Jimin knew what to do. Knew how to hold you, what to say and when to let silence fall. He didn’t pry, but did know what questions to ask to help you form coherent thoughts. Ever since that night, things shifted between the two of you and suddenly spending time as a pair came easily.
You always knew that the boys took care of eachother. That in their individual minds, the other members always came first. That night you got to experience the extent of that - the extent to which Jimin’s heart reached. But it also made you realize of how aware he was of others. Of the subtle and small things he could pick up on and sense; how he knew when things weren’t exactly right.
You stared at your hands, wrapped around the mug.
‘‘ Besides, ‘‘ Jimin spoke, ‘‘ sometimes the two of them start messing around and it disturbs Yoongi-hyung. ‘‘
‘‘ Ah. ‘‘ You nodded, lifting the cup to your lips.
There it was.
His eyes studied you face for a minute, before his gaze dropped.
You set the cup down, focusing on his face.
‘‘ The console.. It’s not the only thing that brought you here, is it?’‘
Your tone wasn’t accusing. It was soft, laced with subtle worry.
His eyes rested on his own hands which were wrapped around his own mug. A small, defeated smile played on his lips for a moment before he spoke up.
‘‘ No. ‘‘
You didn’t say anything, eyes resting on his face. He didn’t need to elaborate. You had a fair idea as to why Jimin was still sitting in front of you and wasn’t on his way back to the dorms, the console within his possesion.
He sighed a little, as if preparing himself to speak his thoughts out loud.
You felt as if a cold bucket of water was thrown over you; you weren’t prepared for this.
‘’ Are you and Yoongi-hyung okay? ‘’ His tone was gentle, careful.
The question was innocent. His eyes were soft, worried. Yet no matter the gentleness in which the question was presented by, it still pierced through you.
What were you to say? Judging by what had occurred between you and Yoongi earlier on, he wanted to believe that yes, everything was ‘okay’. That nothing was out of the ordinary. You were supposed to go along with it, ignoring the fact that every fiber of your being wanted to go against acting as if everything was okay. You wanted to officially clear things up, all out in the open. But you couldn’t tell Jimin that. Not when you haven’t cleared things up with Yoongi first. But he didn’t want them cleared up, did he? So were you supposed to lie? To Jimin?
‘’I’m sorry, ‘’ Jimin broke the silence first, dropping his gaze again, ‘’ its just that last night you guys… ‘’ He trailed off.
Your eyes studied his face. The slight frown on his face told you just how worried he really was, how much worry the idea of Yoongi and you not being okay caused him.
You couldn’t leave Jimin hanging like this. But you also wouldn’t allow yourself to lie to him, so you forced yourself to approach this from a different angle.
‘’ What makes you think there’s something wrong? ‘’ You asked, voice gentle.
Jimin’s soft gaze met yours, a little shocked. Had he expected you to brush him off? To prove his worries as false?
‘’ Last night, ‘’ he breathed out, ‘’ you two didn’t really look at each other. ‘’
Ah.
‘’ And at the dorms, in his studio… Usually he’d come out once in a while or let one of us compose in his studio while he works on his own things, but now he’s really determined to stay there alone… ‘’
Oh.
A few silent seconds ticked by, unbroken.
‘’ It may be silly, our comeback is soon after all. It may just be stress. ‘’ His voice trailed off. Then, almost as if an afterthought, he rose the now somewhat cool mug to his lips and took a gulp of the tea you had made.
‘’ It’s not silly, ‘’ you reassured, ‘’ you’re all brothers. It’s natural for you to worry about him. ‘’
Jimin smiled a little at that, before dropping his eyes back onto the table.
You weren’t sure why he was avoiding your eyes. Did he really think he was treading on thin ice- ice on which he didn’t belong? Or was there something more, something that he wasn’t saying?
‘’ I know that he’s working on something with Namjoon right now.’’ You said, searching for his eyes. ‘’ It seems to be important.. ‘’ You let your voice trail off, hoping that he would look up and catch your eye.
He nodded a little, still not looking up. You could feel that there was something more going on, but you couldn’t quite place your finger on it. ‘’ Jimin, ‘’ you started, voice a whisper, ‘’ are alright?’’
You truly didn’t want Jimin to worry. What you had done was already unforgivable, affecting Yoongi in the way that it did. But you wouldn’t let it affect the group – you wouldn’t be the reason for their misery – no matter how insignificant and small it may seem to be.
You studied his face, unsure as to whether he believed your words or even heard your question. His dark gaze was still locked on the table, fingers still lingered motionless around the cup, brows lightly pulled together.
‘’ What is it? ‘’ You asked, tone light.
He looked up, a little startled. Once the two of you locked eyes, he smiled a little, eyes scrunching up.
‘’ Ah nothing, just realizing that I should probably start working a little harder on my own compositions. Few of my works usually make it through. ‘’
A small sigh escaped his lips. He stood up, quickly putting the now empty cup into the sink. You got up along with him, placing your hand around his arm in a re-assuring manner.
‘’ You’ll make it. I’ve read some of the things you wrote and they’re not bad – really. ‘’
It was true. Although you weren’t an expert by any means, the things Jimin wrote weren’t bad; all that he required was a bit more confidence within his own abilities.
‘’ Ah. ‘’ He smiled, turning away. ‘’ Don’t say such things. ‘’
A small chuckle escaped your lips as you let your hand fall from his arm.
‘’ Alright, lets go get this console so that you guys can call a truce down at the dorms. ‘’ You joked, heading for the living room.
‘’Actually, ‘’ Jimin started, making you turn around, ‘’ Jin-hyung is coming back tomorrow. I’m sure he’ll want to see you. ‘’
‘’ He is? ‘’ You couldn’t help the smile that spread across your face. The idea of seeing Seokjin so soon made you realize how much you had missed him, how much time had passed since he last pulled you into an embrace, since the last trip the two of you shared out. But… ‘’ Was he not to come back later during the week?’’
Jimin nodded. ‘’ Our comeback date got pushed up, ‘’ he spoke, quickly adding ‘’ so expect us all tomorrow. ‘’
You looked at him, slightly stunned.
Comeback date pushed up? But they had only just gotten back. Jin hadn’t seen his girlfriend in months. Those 2 days weren’t enough. They all needed a rest.
But you stopped yourself, biting your tongue. You had caused a row about this sort of thing already and it never ended up well. They were adamant about their responsibilities. That they owed it to their fans, that this was their job. So you decided that instead of lecturing them, you provided all that you could to make this easier for all. You pushed them to take a break when it was obviously clear that one was needed. You provided a getaway place, a change of environment. You tried to provide comfort from an outsider. Not that you were doing a particularly good job of providing that right now…
That give you an idea.
‘’ Jimin, Seokjin’s girlfriend didn’t change her phone number, had she? ‘’
You rolled over, for about the 20th time that night. The clock read 2:57am, meaning that you’ve been tossing and turning for about 3 hours now.
Jimin ended up leaving not long after telling you of Jin’s quick return. You urged him to take the console with him, but he brushed you off, claiming that since it was at your place it would ensure that everyone would show up tomorrow night and that it could be collected then. You didn’t protest, something that you were growing grateful for as sleep clearly wasn’t coming your way.
It started of with worrying about the group. If Jimin noticed, had the others? If so, were any questions asked of Yoongi? What did he say, if he even said anything? You weren’t even sure how you felt about the possibility of the others questioning him. If they were, it meant that they had serious worries concerning him, something that you felt horrible for. If Yoongi was answering.. you wanted him to answer honestly. Earlier, you were adamant about playing along, pretending that everything was okay. But how could you do that if this was already affecting others, as clearly evident from Jimin’s showing up tonight? You sighed, getting up. You were running around in circles inside of your own mind with no end in sight.
You got up and shrugged on one of Yoongi’s sweaters, pushing aside the bubbling guilt that was starting to rise inside of you. Although it wasn’t one he had taken on tour, it still somehow managed to smell like him, something for which you were grateful. Once you shuffled into the living room again, you powered on the console and flung yourself onto the sofa. Although the game was on, you weren’t really paying attention. Now you were back to square one, back to the spiral of what to do. This morning, you truly did accept your fate. You were ready to get over your feelings, if that was possible. You were ready to act as if you hadn’t completely messed up. But now.. If this was affecting another person, a third party, did you really have a right to act that way? Perhaps.. what if you waited another day or two? Maybe after tomorrow, things with Jimin might settle and his worries may dissolve? Surely, if he saw Yoongi and you acting he would think that nothing was wrong?
The idea of fooling, of lying to someone that had helped you when you were at your worst, brought a sickening feeling upon you. The hollowness within you grew, if that was even possible. Could you do that? Could you hurt someone that helped you?
Hadn’t you already?
You shuddered, dropping the controller onto your lap and crossed your arms across your chest instead. If you could, you would have sobbed. Cried out all of your feelings, your regret and anger. Crying alone somehow felt different than crying while getting comforted, and so far that’s the only crying you had done. Out of all people, you were comforted by the person who you had hurt the most. You didn’t deserve that. Yoongi didn’t deserve that. So why did he? Why did he comfort you, why did you allow him? Why had you broken down in front of him in the first place? Why were you even sitting here, repeating all of the same questions over and over again with no resolution in sight?
Subconsciously, your fingers rose to your closed lips. The memory of last night pushed itself onto the front lines of you mind. The feeling of his lips against yours, the mutual yearning and need that you both have felt. His plea.
The memory of his tone alone made you shudder. Were you supposed to repeat all of that by confronting him again?
‘’ Hey, why aren’t you in bed? ‘’
The sudden question made you jump a little. It was him. You hadn’t even heard him open the door – let alone walk in.
‘’ I couldn’t-,’’ your voice trailed off as soon as your eyes met his. He was leaning against the frame of the living room door, but his eyes were glazed.
‘’ Have you been drinking?’’
He smiled, an action that soon evolved into a light chuckle. A sound that didn’t fit the situation. ‘’ Yea. ‘’ He said, pushing himself off of the frame and began heading for the bedroom.
You frowned, following him.
‘’ Was anyone with you? ‘’
He didn’t answer. Instead, he started digging in the wardrobe, presumably for something fresh to sleep in. You could smell the alcohol from him, signaling that he wasn’t simply drinking within the dorms. This smell only came from public drinking places. Worry began to rise inside of you. You knew what drinking alone meant – let alone drinking alone in a public place - so you forced yourself to repeat the question.
‘’ Hey, ‘’ You started, reaching for his arm, ‘’’ was anyone else with you? ‘’
He shrugged off your hand.
‘’ As if you’re in any position to ask.’’ He spat.
You stepped back, shocked. Your eyes burned, but nothing came out of them. Your voice failed you, body motionless.
Yoongi stood frozen, head hanging low. ‘’ That’s not what-‘’ He cut off, closing his eyes. ‘’ I’m sorry. ‘’ He whispered, leaning his head on his outstretched arm, leaning on the wardrobe.
‘’ No. ‘’ You whispered, hugging yourself. ‘’ I deserved that… You have every right to say it. ‘’
‘’ No, I don’t. ‘’ He mumbled before looking up, eyes locking with yours.
For the first time his eyes didn’t hide anything. They showed just how much pain was hidden behind them. Pain that you were the cause of.
‘’ You do.’’ You stated. ‘’ I messed up. I really did, I shouldn’t have gone ou-‘’ You stopped.
His head turned away, frowning, as if the action would block out your words. He didn’t want this. He knew what you had done, that much was clear, but he didn’t want to hear it. Didn’t want to hear you confirming everything out loud.
‘’ I’m so sorry Yoongi… ‘’ You whispered, but your words were falling on deaf ears. He just nodded, still frowning at the floor.
I wish none of that ever happened. I regret us not doing more. I wish we didn’t have a petty fight. I wish we sorted it out. I wish we spoke. I wish I didn’t let you go when I was still angry with you.
I wish you hadn’t left.
But you didn’t say any of that. You couldn’t. He already knew.
He sat down, holding his head in his hands. That just told you how much he must have drunk. He took in a breath, as if ready to say something, but stopped himself before the words could be spoken.
Brief summary You and Yoongi have been an item for a short while now, but things go south when the two of you fight before he leaves for tour. Neither of you speak for 2 months and you make some choices that you regret, thinking that the relationship is over. Once he comes back, however...
word count: 2.3k
main pairing: Yoongi x Reader
genre: angst, light fluff?
warnings: swearing, pg??
a/n: if you want your tag removed/added, feel free to message me c:
!! I’m always open to messages of any sort !!
Soon after the click of the locked door, an eerie silence swallowed the entire apartment. With only you and Yoongi left, the thoughts you tried to keep at bay came back to you in a flood. You knew that you should speak to him, had to speak to him, rather. But how?
How should you even approach him about this? What should you say, where should you start?
The silence brought about by the lack of action from either of you made you paranoid. It pushed questions into your mind that weren’t there before, forced you to doubt things that you hadn’t even thought of mere hours ago. When it was all beginning to get too much, that’s when you took a deep breath and turned away from the door. You turned around and pressed your back against it to face the dark hallway.
This was it. You had to rip the plaster off.
You had to tell him.
You had to tell him now because who knew when the next opportunity would arise? With Yoongi already leaving to go to the studio, his absences would only lengthen and become more frequent with time. Jungkook confirmed as much a few moments ago when he mentioned that promotions would start soon.
It was either now or after more months would pass.
No, that was out of the question.
If you’d force yourself through a month long torture, force him to live in some delusion for a month, you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself.
You refused to.
So, with the liquid courage of the mere 2 beers you drank you braced yourself for all of it. You took a deep breath, collected your thoughts before moving away from the door. With the full intention of having the conversation about the past few months with Yoongi, you headed for the living room in which you knew he was. Your lips were already parted to start a sentence as you reached the room’s threshold, but stopped dead in your tracks just as his sitting frame came into focus.
He was sitting up on the sofa, resting one arm on his one propped up knee with his dark eyes locked on the screen of his phone.
There were no stray take-out boxes or beer bottles lying around anymore. Even the 2 from the windowsills were picked up. Any sign of the fact that mere 5 minutes ago this very room was held hostage by a group of people, was gone. The still silence was eventually broken by his light chuckle, his focus still on his phone.
At that moment, the hole inside of your chest didn’t feel as bad. The emptiness and hollowness that you felt, or maybe your lack of feeling, was filled for that small second. In that moment, suddenly everything fell into place and things felt right. As if this was another usual night, as if Yoongi would look at you in just a second and offer you a gummy smile, before reaching out for you with his hand to pull you into his chest.
It had been too long since you last heard him make such genuine a sound. It brought a small smile to your lips, forcing your gaze to drop. Your eyes fell, forced away from him as if what he was doing was too private for anyone to see. As if you didn’t deserve to see him in this private moment.
However, the moment your eyes fell was the same moment that Yoongi turned to search for your gaze.
‘’Come see this.‘’ He laughed, motioning for you to come sit beside him.
So you did.
You sat an appropriate distance away, but he just scooted closer towards you. Yoongi held out his phone in front of you with one hand whilst resting the other above your head on the sofa’s headrest. The phone was playing a video on a loop. It was of the 3 youngest ones messing around in the practice room, being idiots as per usual when they got too tired. They were over exaggerating a part of their choreography. You guessed they were messing with Joon, who was in the background laughing and pointing at them while half-hiding his face.
A chuckle escaped your lips as you turned to look at Yoongi.
‘’When was this?‘’ You asked, voice light.
He avoided your gaze, turning to his phone.
‘’Ah..‘’ He started, distracted. ‘’On the night before the first concert in the second half.‘’
A month before he came back.
You thought, the smile falling from your face.
‘’ Yoongi...’’ You started, turning to face him by tucking your left leg underneath you, ‘’we-.’’
‘’This is from the night of the concert. One of the fansites took it, it’s actually quite good. The crowd was really into it that night.‘’
He was holding up his phone to you again, the screen displaying another video. His lips were pulled up into a small smile, eyes locked on the phone. They weren’t searching for your gaze anymore.
You took him in, eyes dancing over his gentle features. Perhaps if you had known him for a year or two, you would have assumed he was happy. The indications of it were all there; his small smile, the eagerness in his eyes as he stared at his phone. Even the fact that he was speaking and showing you something that he loved; performing. All of it indicated that he was happy, that everything was okay.
But you had known Yoongi for a larger part of your life than a mere 2 years. You knew what he looked like when he was truly happy. The way his eyes would hide when he showed his gums while grinning. The manner in which his cheeks would slightly rise when he smiled.
You knew him and this was not happiness he was expressing.
His eyes didn’t crinkle when he laughed tonight, his eyes avoided yours when they there was a threat of them meeting. Even now, his small smile was steady on his face, un-moving, still.
Fake.
He knew what you had done during those 2 months, or at least suspected that you had done something. That much you were sure of. It was clear when he saw you on his first night back. The fact he didn’t question why in the world you were dressed in the way that you were. He didn’t question why you reeked of another man. Yoongi didn’t even confront the fight the two of you had before he left..
That wasn’t the Min Yoongi you knew.
The one you knew would have called you out the moment he saw you. The Min Yoongi you knew would have asked why the fuck you messed with other guys when nothing was set in stone about your relationship. He would have blamed both himself and you for not clearing the air before he left, or even during his time away. The Min Yoongi you knew would have blamed you for assuming shit, and would blame himself for not making things clear before he left, or while he was away.
The Min Yoongi you knew wouldn’t avoid the elephant in the room. He would face it and demand for it to be noticed.
But this Yoongi... He acted as if the past 2 months didn’t exist. He acted As if you didn’t do what you had done.
‘’Yoon-’’ You whispered after a long moment of silence.
‘’Honestly Y/n, you need to see this.‘’ The smile was still there.
You wanted to scream.
To scream and yell and cry and get this over with. You wanted him to look at you. You wanted to tell him how badly you fucked up and how guilty you felt. You wanted to scream how you hated him for not talking to you and for leaving just like that without talking to you. But you also hated yourself for assuming anything and for not doing all of this the night that he came back.
You hated yourself for not texting him the very day that he left.
But instead of doing any of that, you took his phone and played the clip.
It was short.
The video was a part of their choreo for one of their title tracks. Although the music was loud, the fanchants blew everything away. But you weren’t paying much attention to the clip. Instead, you were focusing on Yoongi out of the corner of your eye. With his arm still resting above your head, his head was also turned in your direction. He was watching you.
The moment it ended, he lightly rested his hand on your shoulder, tugging at you. Gently, he pulled you down with him to lie down on the sofa whilst slipping his phone out of your grasp. Once the two of you were down, his left arm stayed under your head while your legs tangled. You were on your side, head on his arm whilst he held up the phone above both of you with his hands. A position the two of you would often assume when Yoongi would show you pictures and videos from his time away. It was the position in which you lay in when he would share the stories that came with each captured moment and reminisce what was still yet to come. It was something that was very usual of him to do each time that he came back. It was something the two of you would do comfortably before all of... this.
Yet despite things being so obviously different, it’s what Yoongi decided to do.
Each picture he showed you, each video that played, had some sort of story behind it. Everything that Yoongi showed you he put into context. No matter how minor, Yoongi told you it all.
And you let him.
You let him smooth this over in his own way. You let him do what he wanted, what made him happy. Sometimes you listened to the story and would chuckle at the appropriate moment, making comments of agreement or would point out how stupid an action was. At others, you would comment how well he looked or how real and raw the rap felt. Sometimes you would even question what had happened after a photo or a video was taken. At other times, however, you let yourself tilt your head up and look up at him. You wouldn’t dare trace his soft, round features now. But you let your eyes wonder, from the way his lips moved when he talked, to his lazy blinking - an indication of how late and of how tired he was.
That’s when it eventually got too much. You pulled yourself up, Yoongi following soon after.
‘’Don’t worry about it, he didn’t get hurt.’’ He said, referring back to the picture he had shown.
You frowned, choking in a bitter laugh.
‘’No, Yoongi,‘’ You started, not looking at him.
You couldn’t take this any longer, acting as if everything was okay and that you didn’t make the mistakes that you did. With each passing second, the guilt burned inside of you that much more. You could feel it all at the pit of your stomach. All knotted and churning. If you continued to play along in pretending that everything was okay for a moment longer, you would go insane.
‘’During those two months,‘’ You started, voice small. You didn’t dare look him in the face, not yet. Instead, you focused your eyes on your hands while you took a deep breath and gathered your courage. If you were going to do this, you weren’t going to be a coward.
‘’During those two months,‘’ You repeated, voice stronger. You turned to face him, expecting to find his eyes on you.
Instead, however, you found Yoongi staring at his lap, slouched.
He looked like the shadow of a man you knew, which was all your doing.
‘’Yoongi, I thought-’’
‘’Do you love me?‘’ His head snapped back up, eyes immediately locking with yours.
For the first time tonight your eyes were locked for more than mere seconds.
‘’What?’’ You asked, taken-back by the question.
‘’Tell me that you love me.‘’
There was no hesitation, neither on his face or in his voice. His expression was real, raw and his voice stable and steady.
His question was intended.
You frowned, scanning his face.
Why? You wanted to ask. Does it matter? Does it excuse what I had done?
The questions were at the tip of your tongue, but right now where you really in the position to ask questions? To refuse him anything?
And you loved him. You really did, otherwise this guilt inside of you wouldn’t feel nearly half as bad as it did. You wanted to reach for him. To hug him, to rub his back and comfort him and tell him that you regretted everything you had done. That you regretted not texting him, not making up before assuming anything about the two of you.
You swallowed down a sob.
'’ Yoongi,‘’ You started, voice barley a whisper, ‘’I love yo-’’
And that’s all it took before your lips locked.
You felt his soft lips on yours, familiar but alien at the same time. The kiss started sloppily, but both of you found your previous rhythm within seconds. It was angry, full of yearning; but also soft in its own contradictory way.
But before his eyes closed, his eyes found yours. In that moment you saw him. Unguarded, unmasked. Real.
He was broken.
Just as his lips eased yours to open you closed your eyes and softly moaned into him, pulling the same response from him.
Brief summary You and Yoongi have been an item for a short while now, but things go south when the two of you fight before he leaves for tour. Neither of you speak for 2 months and you make some choices that you regret, thinking that the relationship is over. Once he comes back, however...
word count: 3.3k
main pairing: Yoongi x Reader
genre: angst, light fluff?
warnings: mentions of alcohol
a/n: if you want your tag removed/added, feel free to message me c:
!! I’m always open to messages of any sort !!
If not for the glare of the sun that streamed in through your bedroom window and directly into your face, you would have probably continued sleeping for a few more hours. Usually you had your blinds drawn to avoid situations like this, but last night you climbed into bed without doing much and Yoongi wasn’t home often enough to know to close them…
Yoongi...
His name rang inside of you for a few good seconds before the events of last night crashed over you.
You didn’t have to turn and look onto the other side of the bed to know that he wasn’t in it with you any longer.
The lack of warmth told you as much.
You sighed before curling into yourself.
You should have told him last night… He deserved to know what had happened when he was gone. When the two of you didn’t talk for those 2 months… You should have openly confirmed what he already suspected.
Yet, you didn’t.
You let him pull you into a hug and let yourself indulge in it, as if you had the right to. You let yourself enjoy his presence and even take comfort in it. Allowed yourself to take comfort in the denial of it all.
Time passed as you continued to lay in bed with thoughts swirling inside of you. The ticking of your bedroom clock signaled that time passing, that just because you were in bed and attempting to shut everything out didn’t mean that it was working. After a while of this you sighed and turned onto your back, casting your eyes up towards the ceiling. The clock continued to tick and you noticed how soft and comforting it was. How sure it was.
What was going to happen to you and Yoongi now? You wanted to tell him what had happened. That was the right thing to do, wasn’t it? You were sure that it was. Honesty was always something you stressed in relationships, both you and Yoongi did. So why had he not called you out on your messing around the moment that he saw you?
Because he knew.
He had to know.
The way his face slightly dropped as he properly took you in after swinging the door open, the way his body stiffened a little after holding you for long enough to realize that you smelled like some dead beat guy, told you as much.
And even if they didn’t, the way his lips hesitated inches before yours proved he knew that something was up.
So why hand’t he said anything?
Maybe he didn’t think calling you out was the right thing to do after not seeing you for so long.
He could bring it up today, couldn’t he?
He took care of you yesterday. Hugged you, ran you a bath and even cuddled into you when you were both in bed. Did that even suggest that he wanted to bring anything up?
Yoongi also said something to you last night, hadn’t he? What was it?
You squeezed your eyes shut in an effort to remember, but give up after a few moments of your mind throbbing; courtesy of the drinks you had last night on an empty stomach. After a few moments of your failed attempting at pushing the feeling away you got up from the bed and started making your way to the kitchen. You intended on going to get some water, but a piece of paper on the table caught your attention.
2 words were written in Yoongi’s slightly messy script.
‘’My Studio. ‘’
You stared at the words, mind suddenly picking up. His leaving without a word confirmed that he knew what you had done, at least last night, but he hadn’t said anything about it. Now he left without a word... What would he do?
That you weren’t so certain of. He didn’t act like himself last night, not how you would have expected him to act upon finding out that his partner had been off acting as if they were single.
Although the two of you had been friends since the early years of your lives, you didn’t know much about his relationships before the two of you happened. Or even if he had any serious ones. He was a private person and you weren’t one to pry. However, when a person’s name suddenly stopped coming up during the teasing the boys would do, you knew it was over between Yoongi and his then significant other.
However, there was one which was rather known to the group, around a year into their debut. You met the girl a few times and she seemed quite nice, at least that’s what you thought until Jin took you to the side one day. He told you that she had been cheating on him for a long while and that Yoongi caught her. The only reason you were told was to not bring her up, but apparently it was unnecessary. A day or so after he broke it off with her, he came clear one night and told you guys to not act weird.
‘’ She cheated and now she’s gone, there’s nothing else to it. ‘’ he had said, and all of you knew he meant it. He didn’t look too heartbroken, but as far as you knew, nobody really knew how he felt.
For him to not call you out the moment he realized what you had done made you feel as if you were walking on thin ice that was already cracking.
The morning and early evening passed in silence. You texted Yoongi a few minutes after reading his note, telling him not to work too hard, just to make him aware that you got his note.
He didn’t text back.
A part of your day was spent trying to fix up some paperwork for work, but you were too distracted to properly focus on it. You were too busy trying to come up with ways in which you could talk to Yoongi and tell him everything. Leaving him in the dark like this hurt you more with each hour that went by untold, his previous relationship at the forefront of your mind. You tried to pin-point a starting point that would lead your confession, but you were lost with what to start. With the fight the two of you had before he left? With how upset you felt when he didn’t text you, phone you or even ask if you were safe afterwards? For two entire months? Or with the reasons as to why you done what you had done? With an explanation of how broken you felt during those two silent months, how hollow and unimportant his silence made you feel?
It was during one of these thoughts that the buzzer to your apartment rang, startling you. You didn’t invite anyone over - none of your friends were conscious enough to come over, all still too hungover from the night before. Initially you weren’t going to get up, assuming that it wasn’t anything important, but the buzzer went off again which pushed you to curse and get the door.
You swung the door open, ready to say that the person got the wrong place, only to be met with familiar faces. They were all hooded and wearing facemasks, but you knew who they were and your lips immediately pulled into a smile, realizing how much you missed them all. For those few seconds every other thought was put aside.
‘’ Are you gonna let us in or what?!’’ Jungkook’s voice was muffled by the facemask, but the light tone in it was as clear as day.
A chuckle escaped your lips and you stood away from the entrance, gesturing for them to come in. You counted 6 after hugging some of their tall frames as they made their way in, shoving their shoe’s off before being pushed further into the small hallway by the others behind them.
‘’Where’s Jin?’’ You asked, eyes trying to catch anothers.
‘’ His girl’s in town. ‘’ Yoongi answered, pulling his hood down and flinging his shoes off.
‘’ Someone’s going to get it. ‘’ Taehyung sang, which earned him a light slap on the back of the head from Namjoon.
‘’ Behave. The guy hasn’t seen her in months.’’ He bend down to push his shoes into a corner and out of the way, not bothering to look at the younger to check if he was listening.
‘’ Yea. ‘’ Tae whispered to you. ‘’ That’s why he’s gonna’ get some. ‘’
You just laughed and shook your head at him. Before you could come up with a smart remark, Jimin caught your attention.
‘’ Kitchen?’’ He asked, raising 2 plastic bags.
Beer, you guessed. And some take-out, judging by the smell.
You nodded and led the way, ready to go and stash some of the drinks into the fridge. The two of you were followed into the kitchen by Jungkook, who immediately poked at the plastic bags the moment Jimin set them on the table.
‘’ The foods in that one. ‘’ Jimin laughed, pointing at the other bag.
‘’ Oh really?’’ He barked in return. ‘’ I was going to check if you left it at the store.’’
The elder just laughed, brushing him off. He took out some of the bottles and started handing them out to you, noticing that you had already started shoving some into the fridge. Soon enough, the others flooded into the kitchen which only allowed so much space. You stood back, leaning against one of the counters and watched how they lightly bickered over who ordered what and where it was. Eventually they all left one by one, taking the living room hostage instead. The last one to leave was Jimin, opening up his take-out box as he headed for the living room to join the rest. You grabbed the empty plastic bags left at the kitchen table and turned around to stash them in a drawer, only to turn back around and be met with too familiar an expression.
‘’ This one’s yours. ‘’ Yoongi said, holding out one of the takeout boxes for you.
You looked up at him, noticing how his eyes refused to meet yours both when he spoke and when he handed you the box.
‘’ Thanks, ‘’ you answered, catching his curt nod before parting your lips again to tell him that the two of you needed to talk later, but he was quick to leave the kitchen after your thanks.
You stood alone in the kitchen, feeling a lot more desperate and guilty after the small interaction.
Were you really that horrid that you didn’t deserve eye-contact with him? Was he that disgusted with you?
You grabbed a bottle from the fridge before heading into the living room.
There was a console plugged into your TV, probably carried in by Hobi who disappeared soon after entering the apartment earlier on. He and Jungkook were both busy playing when you entered, the takeout lying forgotten and half eaten on the windowsills. Tae was sitting by Jungkook’s side and edging him on, laughing. Meanwhile, Jimin sat on one of the arm rests on the sofa with Namjoon by his side. The two were talking about something despite their eyes being locked on the TV screen. You took a seat on the sofa, quick to busy yourself with the food. Usually you’d strike up a conversation with Jin, who you found quite easy to talk with. He would usually update you on what the younger ones were up to during their time away, any slip ups that happened and inside jokes that came out of it. Although you missed him so desperately right now, you were glad that he got to spend time with his girlfriend. He was one of the members who allowed himself to have a steady and stable relationship despite their role and expectations as idols.
You were glad he did.
However, you knew that his relationship was even more strained than yours and Yoongi’s due to the extra distance between him and his girlfriend. She didn’t live in Seoul, which made it that much harder for her and Seokjin to see each other – but their commitment to one another was clear and you were happy for both of them. You knew that they would last.
Sudden laughter brought you out of your thoughts.
Apparently Hoseok had won, as signaled by the uproar the youngest was making. ‘’ The game glitched! Didn’t you see?!’’
‘’ Ah, give it up.’’ Yoongi mumbled, walking into the living room. ‘’ You got beat, just face it and move on.’’ Despite the words, his tone was light. He flung himself onto the sofa next to you, resting his arm on the headrest above you.
‘’ Yoongi’s right, you know. ‘’ Hobi said, a wide grin on his face.
‘’ I don’t accept fake winners. ‘’ Jungkook mumbled, earning himself a pat on the back from Jimin who had moved away from Namjoon to take Jungkook’s place.
‘’ Well, right now that’s what you’re going to have to accept. ‘’ He said, reaching for the controller. ‘’ My turn. ‘’
And that’s how the night passed. Yoongi and you sitting next to eachother with you eventually leaning into him out of habit, watching the rest play after he purposely lost. The boys yelled a little and after a while you give up on reprimanding them to stay quiet, but Yoongi took over for you.
‘’ Eyy, this isn’t the dorm. If you keep this up, this place will become a ‘no-go zone’.’’
Eventually the group’s leader joined in aswell, knowing how late it was and how some neighbours got – especially yours. During your early days of living here, he was the one to help you out the one time somebody was not too happy with the level of noise that had came out on a night like this one.
As you sat back and watched them play, you realized how much you missed not only them, but this in general. The normality that they provided, despite how famous they all were. Which only reminded you of how temporary this normality was. Judging by the fact that Yoongi was already at the studio this morning, you knew that they would all be away quite soon again. You just didn’t know how soon. But right now you weren’t ready to break the illusion this night provided.
‘’ Alright. ‘’ Namjoon eventually said, sitting down on the ground as he stared into his phone.‘’ It’s 4:3 to Hoseok. ‘’
‘’ But I agreed that if Jungkook got to beat you, he’s the winner.’’ Hoseok cut in , turning to face you.
Tae chuckled, getting up off of the floor to take refuge on the sofa instead. ‘’ You may as well accept defeat once you can, Kook.’’
‘’ No chance. ‘’ He frowned, smirking. ‘’ I’ve practiced while we were away. There’s no chance she can beat me in this. ‘’
You laughed, throwing your head back.
For a while now it was arranged that at this particular game, you were too good to play anyone in the pre-rounds or even the semi-final. In this game, you were their boss level and whoever got to beat you, or lasted the longest, won. It was quite silly, to be frank, and you knew it. The only reason you were so good at it was because it was quite similar to a game you had played with your siblings, a game who’s victory secured a no-chore week. But you had to admit that it was quite fun seeing the youngest so determined to beat you.
‘’ We’ll see. ‘’ You said, getting up off of the couch to sit next to Jungkook on the carpeted floor.
You reached for the controller, only to turn and gesture to the boy sitting next to you. ‘’ Switch.’’
‘’ What?! Why?’’
‘’ You have the first person one. ‘’
‘’ So? ‘’
You cocked your head to the side, rising a brow.
‘’ Right now you’re in second place and I don’t let anyone set the game for me. Need I say more? ‘’
He eyed you before handing you the first person one. ‘’ Thank you. ‘’ You smirked, turning back to the screen.
The game didn’t last long, but he managed to get into the third round. Too close, for your liking. You would usually take people out in the first one, or half way through the second if they were good enough.
Third… only one person got that far.
But you managed; you beat him before your player’s health bar ventured too deep into the orange zone.
Jungkook flung his head back and groaned. ‘’ Are you kidding?!’’ His voice was left muffled by the laughter and teasing of your friends.
You chuckled, patting his chest and getting up. ‘’ Don’t say it glitched, kid. ‘’
‘’ I demand a rematch. ‘’ He stated, shooting up. ‘’ Before our promotions start again, we’re playing. ‘’ He stated, ignoring all of the petty teasing that was being thrown his way.
So promotions are starting soon. You thought, attempting to hide the realization from showing on your face.
‘’ Deal. ‘’ You said, smirking a little and reaching out your hand - eyes locked on his face.
He took your hand and squeezed it lightly.
‘’ Deal. ‘’ He confirmed.
You turned away from him and automatically found Yoongi’s eyes lock with yours. His lips were formed into something of a soft smile, but his eyes still lacked its spark. The spark that was only present for mere seconds when you first saw him last night, when he opened the door for you.
Before you could respond in any way, Namjoon’s loud yawn had everyone turn heads.
Taehyung was the first one to break the silence.
‘’ Well.. ‘’ He mumbled, rolling his eyes.
‘’ It is nearly 3am to be fair. ‘’ Jimin said, patting Joon’s chest. ‘’ I think we should get going. ‘’
‘’ You could sleep in the living room? ‘’ You teased, knowing how well that worked before.
‘’ Ha, after the last time?! No chance. ‘’ Jungkook joked, already leaving the livingroom to grab his shoes - you assumed. And that, almost like a signal, led to all the others following the youngest to gather their things.
Once their driver arrived and they were all ready to leave, Hobi grabbed at your arm and gestured for you to step away a little from the huddle the others formed.
During those mere seconds you felt as if a bucket of cold water was thrown over you. Did Yoongi tell him? Were you going to get reprimanded, right here? In front of everyone?
‘’ Y/n, mind if I ask something of you? ‘’ He whispered, eyes locked with yours.
You swallowed, not avoiding his gaze.
‘’ Sure, what’s up?’’
‘’ Mind if I leave the console here? Jungkook’s been at it ever since we got back. Just for a day or two?’’
You blinked at him, heart slowing down.
‘’ Yea, of course. ‘’ You breathed out after a few secnds, trying to make your tone as lighthearted as your voice allowed right now. ‘’ Don’t be stupid. ‘’ You teased, lightly slapping his arm.
‘’ You’re the best. ‘’ He smiled before running down the stairs to catch up with the others, who were already whisper-shouting his name from a set of stairs below.
You let yourself sigh a little as you pushed the door to a close with a click, locking it soon after.
