I Feel Like I’m Back In High School...
The title probably doesn’t really seem to link up with my story so before we begin, I shall explain. I don’t feel like I’m in high school because of the situations I am going through, it is more the feeling of hopelessness I felt in my teenage years. The feeling of not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, being so stressed and overwhelmed by everything that I just want to make everything stop. I want to end it all. But I won’t. I choose to live for one very important reason.
My family is falling apart, two of my sisters are having this massive argument that looks like it will end up with them never speaking again. I’m the one who has to clean up their mess, fix their problems and take care of anyone they hurt along the way. They can’t even have a civil conversation without me there mediating. The worst part is, they are my older sisters, I an seven years younger than the eldest of the two but I am parenting them.
My friends have been involved in four car crashes within the last two months, two of which, my boyfriend was in the back seat. They could have been killed. The first two times my friends were the innocent party and have been the ones that got crashed into, the later two however, the two my boyfriend was in the car, it was completely their fault because they were being absolute idiots.
On top of that I nearly lost my job because I was an hour late due to my inability to sleep because I keep stressing. Even now I am supposed to be asleep because I have a shift early in the morning, but I can’t sleep.
I could rant for hours about my recent issues but I have decided to keep things short, I can’t go 20mins alone without crying and its a real problem. I keep having the same feeling I did in high school, just end it all, you can make yourself stop hurting. I have chosen to live for one reason.
Lyla
Lyla is a baby. She is four months old. She is not my baby but she is my joy. I see her once a week. That few hours I get to cuddle her are pure bliss, her smile brings me so much happiness. When her mother posts pictures of her, they make me smile through the moments I am most sad. No one has made me feel this way before but I love her so much even though I have only known her for two months. The love I feel for her is so different from any kind of love I have felt before. Her smile is the reason I stand strong, her giggles are the reason I smile, The way she dances keeps my head I high, the way she copies my movements and expressions is just pure heaven.
She is not my child. I am not related to her, but she is my current reason to hold onto life. I want to see her grow up, I want to see what kind of amazing woman she’ll be. I want t give her the world.
She is not my child, I did not give her life, but everyday, she is the reason I still have mine.
