For the past year, I have been sexually harassed by my coworker
When it started out he 35m was just my coworker but nowadays he is the assistant manager, and that makes this harder. It started out with a few comments here and there that I didn't notice too much, I always like to see the best in people and I didn't think too much of it. Then he kept inviting me to his house for drinks which I kept saying "next time" as it was never convenient for me.
For the record, I never assume that a guy has any romantic or sexual intentions towards me, I've always been the girl who is considered one of the guys and at the time I was in a five year long relationship, which meant I wasn't even remotely available.
So things got worse at last year's mid year work party, I had brought my boyfriend (now ex) along and that was the first time he met most of my coworkers. My boyfriend mentioned that my coworker kept glaring at him and wouldn't look away until my boyfriend made eye contact with him. He mentioned it to me a couple of days later and I dismissed it, saying I'd worked with him for two years, I'd like to think he's a decent person. Well my bf left the party early and I was having a great time, I was drunk, I was happy and we were all getting along well. That's when my coworker said we needed to get a picture together and handed me his phone, as I was taking the picture, he asked "can I grab your ass?" I just said no and moved on but about an hour later he grabbed my ass anyway. I was drunk, he was drunk, I didn't think anything of it because I'm not super opposed to friends being a little touchy, and I thought he was my friend.
A week goes by and I finish work around 10 pm, make the 40min drive home and start having drinks and playing games with my housemate. Once again my coworker texts me asking me to come over for drinks, and I told him I'm not driving all the way back to where I just came from when I just wanted to relax after my shift. He continues to text me and he's clearly drunk. He then texts me asking if we could cuddle, I don't like awkward situations so I just laughed it of and ignored it, then he says "I would fuck you right now". I was very uncomfortable now, I told him I thought he had too much to drink and then stopped responding. I was just annoyed this was a week after meeting my boyfriend, I thought it was disrespectful.
He blew up my phone the next day apologizing and I ignored it for most of the day just trying to figure out what to do, I ended up telling I'm id just rather forget about it as I didn't want to deal. I'll usually speak out and tell people to back off if they cross a line but I was trying to avoid a hostile situation at work. It didn't work. I tried to keep my distance at work and he ended up making my job difficult, not passing on notes from management, not allowing me time to get things done that I needed to, etc. That went on for about a month before I finally said something to my manager. His shifts were moved so I didn't have to see him anymore and I think he got warned not to behave inappropriately towards the female staff.
For a while that worked, I didn't have to deal with him, he didn't have to deal with me, it was great. Then he became the assistant manager, he started texting me, telling me things I had to do during my shift and then trying to ask how I was, saying he missed seeing me and it sucks we don't talk anymore. I was uncomfortable but I tried to keep all conversations professional and short. This worked for so long. At the Christmas party however he kept coming up to me, asking for hugs, sitting next to me etc and my manager just kept telling him to leave me alone. Later in the evening he sat next to me, leant into my ear really close and whispered an apology for making me uncomfortable.
Recently, my shifts have been changed around and I now have to deal with him for about two hours a week, I figured it was manageable and I had got to the point where I was starting to forgive him for everything that happened. But when we started working together again, that's when the touching started, he'd play with my hair, he would come up and rub my shoulders, he would be in my personal space and he would make comments that were not appropriate like "Are you a good girl?". I tried to ignore it and just do my job and leave, but I dreaded going to work.
Last weekend was our annual mid year work party, and I decided enough was enough and mentioned to my manager that we needed to have a conversation the following Monday because I'm not comfortable and its getting to the point where I am ready to make a blanket rule that i will not work with him. I'm not the only one who has made complaints about him as one of my female coworkers recently spoke to the manager about her experience with him and I've heard other girls complain about him but nothing official.
As the night goes on everyone leaves and only three people are left, myself, the assistant manager and my coworker who is a long time friend of my father's (like this man literally watched me grow up). I knew I should have left but I was having fun and I didn't want to let the assistant manager's presence ruin a good night out for me. We ended up making our way to a Latino club and I danced with my dad's friend for a while who made me promise I'd let him protect me that night. As we were standing around having a drink, my dad's friend went to the bathroom and I was politely having a conversation with the assistant manager where he was talking about getting into a fight with the manager during the week. This is where I got stupid so I'm just going to write out the conversation and you can judge me all you like.
Him: If someone has an issue with me I just want them to talk to me about it so we can work it out.
Me: Okay, fine, I am uncomfortable at work, you make me uncomfortable. I am not okay with you touching me, the inappropriate comments or you being in my personal space all the time.
Him: What? I never touched you, I never said anything!
I went on to explain specific moments things happened and he got increasingly more aggressive
Him: I never touched you!
Me: I am willing to accept that you didn't realize what you were doing but that doesn't negate the fact that I am uncomfortable with what you are doing and saying.
Him: I never touched you! I haven't said anything, not after last year!
Me: What happened last year is exactly why you you need to be careful, you are in a position of power now and that makes it worse, would you like me to pull up the security footage to show you exactly what I'm not okay with?
Him: No you are actually not allowed to look up security footage, I never touched you!
After that we just started yelling at each other, like a full on screaming match until my dad's friend came back out and I walked over to him and said I couldn't be near the assistant manager, I don't feel safe. He followed me over and told our coworker that he was going to leave but stood there chatting for a bit. I turned around and told him either he left or I did but someone is leaving right now, so he left and I started crying into my coworkers shoulder.
He managed to cheer me up and he took me dancing again, this is where I'd like to take time to appreciate him. We were dancing, he had our arm around each other, we were very close together. I didn't feel uncomfortable, I felt safe, I felt cared for, I felt protected. Any time a guy came up and started talking to me he would wrap his arm around me and tell the guy "She's with me" I never once felt uncomfortable with him and he really did cheer me up.
After we left the club and my coworker went home I stopped in to where my dad was working to grab a jacket from him and I told him what happened. As soon as I said "Dad I fucked up" I just started crying, and I couldn't stop, I'm talking ugly tears. I told him everything and he just held me as I sobbed. I had to text me (new) boyfriend to come pick me up and when he did I cried the whole way home. It wasn't until he put me to bed and I passed out that I stopped crying. I'm so overwhelmed by all of this and I'm considering leaving my job that I love so I don't have to deal with it anymore.
I've had to work with the assistant manager the past two days. Yesterday when he arrived we didn't speak, I kept my distance, he kept his and we were both very clearly still angry. A few hours after I left, my manager called me and I told him everything, I told him I don't feel safe and if nothing changes I will be doing something about it. My manager told me that he had spoken to the guy, he was sorry about our "disagreement" and from now on it will be completely professional.
The only problem is that the the manager and other male staff don't understand that it's sexual harassment. I've been told "he's like that with everyone but he does need to understand that it's not for everyone"
When they say he doesn't it to everyone, they mean he annoys everyone, he messes with them, he will grab pens out of people's hands while they are using them, he will make annoying comments, he will poke people and mess up their hair, etc. What they don't understand is while he does all that to me too, he also touches me inappropriately, he makes insinuating comments, and he stands so close I'll feel his breath on the back of my neck.
This morning I avoided contact with I'm again, and he turned to me and actually apologized if he made me uncomfortable, which I wasn't expecting, he told me from here on out things would be completely professional between us and I told him that's all I wanted. I was still avoiding eye contact while he talked and I had to keep myself busy with my work to stop myself from crying again. But thanks dude for doing the bare minimum that I asked for.
So now I have to wait and see how the next few weeks go, if nothing changes and he continues to make my work life miserable, I'm going to leave. I'm just so lost and I feel so defeated. I don't want to cause any problems for anyone but here I am making a big problem for my manager, a man who I've been friends with longer than that the three and a half years I've worked for this company.
