#sumner hayes

[brevetchronicle]

Fathers to Fathers on Father’s Day

Today is Father's Day. We wanted to take the time to reach out to those Brevetarians who are well seasoned in this psudo holiday to give advice to the newest father's in our town. We gathered a round table with Sumner Hayes; Shelby Sloan and Harold to hear some of their sage advice on fatherhood.

Brevet Chronicle (Brevet)

Gentlemen. You all have adult children of varying ages now. But what did you wish you knew when you first became a father?

Sumner Hayes (Hayes)

Babies cry a lot. Cute, but criers. My father told me that a nanny was indispensable. He was right.  

Shelby Sloan (Sloan)

Well we couldn't afford nannies. We had to actually take care of our children. 

Hayes

I don't like what you're implying.

Brevet

Gentleman, let's keep this civil shall we.

Sloan

The hardest thing fathers have to deal with is mothers.

Harold (Harold)

Amen.

Sloan  

Mothers always think the way they care for the kids is the right way and the only way. 

Harold

Ain't that the truth.

Sloan

When the boys were little, I was either always being corrected by my wife or she was taking them from me. It was exhausting and might I add, frustrating. 

Hayes

We'll that's we're I've got you beat Shelby (Sloan)! My wife didn't know how to care for our daughter when she was a baby, the nanny did. A nanny can't say 'No" to their employer when I wanted to take care of Ainsley.

Harold

Are you sure you meant to say your wife didn't know how to take care of her baby?

Hayes

I always did like you Harold. Man of few words. But the ones you say…Right. What I was sayin is that my wife and I were both new parents. We both didn't know how to handle the baby. That's what new fathers should know. No one gives you directions at the hospital on how to take care of this little creature. So don't feel bad when you don't know how. You'll learn. 

Brevet

You haven't said much Harold. What's your advice?

Harold

Jus agreein with what's already been said here. I let the misses do everything. (Editor's note: If you've been living under the town rock, Harold's wife is the source for the As Seen From the Porch column). Then I knew that once our daughter got older she'd want to be with me more. I was right. Her mamma's a bit much.

Hayes

Should you be saying that Harold?

Harold

No secret. Now I give the updates on our daughter's life. It's the…what cha call it…the Ying-Yang of parenthood. She had the beginin. I have the end.  

Brevet

That's a great segue Harold. Now that you have adult children. What's the best part of that stage in their life.

Sloan

Seeing them become these great individuals. Our sons are smart, kind men, with a great future in front of them. 

Sumner

I'd have to agree. Our Ainsley turned into the person we we're hopin for, despite us. 

(Group laughter)

I also love not havin to dole out so much money for her all the time.   

(Group laughter again)

Harold

That's one of the best parts. I also just like bein able to be a dad without so much of the worryin. 

Solan

Now I'll amen that. 

[brevetchronicle]

Setting the Record Straight, Daddy Hayes Takes Offense

Many of you remember the last  As Seen From the Porch column. If you don’t, you can read the article here. It caused quite the ruckus. If you follow us on Twitter (@BrevetChronicle), you’ll know that Ed Hopper threatened to sue. More importantly, Sumner Hayes (Ainsley Hayes’ daddy) demanded a rebuttal interview. Here it is.

Brevet Chronicle (Brevet)

Mr. Hayes you called our office and demanded a rebuttal interview. We were only happy to comply. Obviously the last As Seen From the Porch column affected you greatly.

Sumner Hayes (Hayes)

The column (if you want to name that junk a “column”) did not affect me greatly, Ainsley and my wife’s reactions affected me greatly.

Brevet

How so?

Hayes

You try being in a house with two pissed of women who won’t stop talking about the issue. They keep looking to you to fix it! Actually, it was three pissed off women. I can’t forget Tillis. She was called a “silly old maid,” if I remember correctly.

Brevet

You’re upset because the women in your home are upset?

Hayes

Let me impart on you two sayings that can easily sum up my feelings about the matter. ‘S%&! rolls downhill’ and ‘Happy life, happy wife.’ My wife isn’t happy and I’ve been getting a lot of S^%!.So I’m try’in to pass it on to its rightful owner. 

Brevet

Who is the rightful owner?

Hayes

The Chronicle for giving that nosy old woman a platform, and that nosy old woman!

Brevet

Here is your chance Mr. Hayes. What do you want to tell both of us?

Hayes

First I want to set the record straight. Nothing happened to my dear Ainsley. She was not mentally or emotionally scarred in the city. She came home for the summer break in the legislative session. If that scandalmonger picked up something other than People Magazine, Touch or the Enquirer she could have put two and two together and come up with four instead of sixteen. 

Brevet

How do you know the name of all those gossip magazines?

Hayes

Don’t try me now. Don’t. Try. Me. 

Second, gossip is not news! I read the Chronicle for news about what’s happening in town. It’s disgraceful that you publish this trash in the paper. If you can’t end that busybody’s column, put a check on her for heaven’s sake!

Brevet

Mr. Hayes you’ve brought up the eternal argument in journalism, particularly with papers. Do advice and gossip columns have a place? Some would argue, such as yourself we presume, that there is no place in serious journalism. Others argue that you give the reader the written word they desire. Unfortunately for papers around the country that carry advice and gossip columns, those columns they get the most reader interaction. You’re a perfect example. 

Hayes

Well I never!

Brevet

That is true. No you never have written to us before, but you did now based off a gossip column. We try to represent the town. In the town there is a lot of flibbertigibbets. 

As long as you have been a reader of the Chronicle, have you (or your family for that matter) ever read the As Seen From the Porch column?

Hayes

That is not the point here! Tell that muckraker to stop talking about my family. Keep your old silly column if you want! 

Brevet

Will do Mr. Hayes. Thank you for contacting us. 

Hayes

Well of course. And many thanks to you for the opportunity to set the record straight. Home should be mighty fine tonight, I dare say. 

Civility never dies in Brevet.