#sunflowerxpeony

[unbloomedpeonies]

Self-interest

I have forgotten that people can change when there are benefits to be gained. I was still telling myself to keep away from these people; but inadvertently got close to them. "You can't blame that person, but only yourself (because you didn't protect yourself.)"

[unbloomedpeonies]

Conditioning

Sometimes I feel myself slipping away through the words I say. Its as if I am speaking of another person; when I brought it out. It tasted like woodchips, dry and scratchy on my tongue. - And I feel as if I'm getting better at this. I have conditioned myself (or I assumed myself that I have) to look past that rose hue coloring over our situation. There are times where I clasped my hands together and hoped you know what I am trying to get at. But I have only ridiculed myself and pushed you away. I tried to be gentle, I tried to stop myself from doing things you disliked. And snapping back like a rubberband to the same when it was too much. It's a yoyo between 'Why can't we progress', 'Do I have to tell you I like you?' to 'Great! Let It Be!!' ,'I can see why we aren't kicking it off.'. All in all, I just hope I am having one of those tantrums of a child who is deprived of her favorite teddy bear. - I am saying this but I don't see myself liking you any lesser. I just have to remind myself to read what I wrote before. Be it a reminder to tell the heart not to wander.

[unbloomedpeonies]

일어나와요~

Sometimes it's best not to expect anything at all. It's the time when something good unexpectedly happens, and you just bask in happiness. I was momentarily happy, but I recalled that this wasn't directed for me only. But nonetheless, I'm thankful. I need to wake up.

[unbloomedpeonies]

disappointment

The results are out..

And I definitely had a small meltdown before I accessed the webpage.

Had so many flashback of my secondary school days (junior high) when we sat in the hall waiting for out results slips.

The usual thing happened everytime, my friends would receive their and I would congratulate them while praying that I scored the same or I passed the paper.

Sadly, I didn't.

This time round, however.. I felt the same, as my phone buzzed with my classmates asking each other of their grades. (Eventually, I muted the damn whatsapp convo. Cos I was going to fall apart by looking at their grades.)

I was praying that the internet wasnt as fast. I hope the page loaded by sections. But it didn't. All it did was to reveal all 3 module grades to me at once.

The first reaction I had was - Relieved, happy ; "Woah, I didnt fail!.."

Then the second reaction followed - Disappointment, regret and envy ;  "I could have done better."

It's regretful that I had such big aspiration to score well like what my gf did when I first started. Then.. the laziness and everything negative just sets in and I didnt put in my all any longer.

I wonder what happened in the midst of 'working hard'.

How regretful.

[unbloomedpeonies]

Traveling solo is ze way

was attacked by a grumpy brother: yikes but he did buy stuff for us, so I should feel thankful

Ok, back to the main point. The reasons why I think traveling alone is actually better.

I have accumulated enough reasons from my trip to Korea in the Spring of 2014 to back this up. And another one just came up..

"You could buy tons of shit for people and no one will fucking complain. (except you; cos you brought it upon yourself)"

One thing I dislike; is being asked to help friend’s to buy stuff back.

- If you are a friend (only) - do I like you? Are you that important in my life, like I am, in yours? You will get the default souvenirs or I will not specifically look for your items.

- If you are a close/gff friend - I am ok: *depending on the convenience level of acquiring your item and it’s cost.

- If you are (extended) family - how close are we? Do I like you? And,depending on the convenience level of acquiring your item and it’s cost.

- If you are direct family - hell yes. I will bring it back or send it back home.

*

And this is where shit comes in when you have to travel with someone..

Because: A) They will complain if they help you to carry that many items (your family supposedly just ordered fanatically, which you can’t carry all by yourself unless you lose a limb due to lack of blood circulation.) ; and you get more shit if the thing is heavy. My solution - Let them rant since they are helping out with the load and if they don’t complain a lot - buy them drinks. OR.. GO ALONE and think of a fucking way to bring all the shit back. (While cussing..)

B) They will complain if they accompanied you to source/find the said (MANY) items ; you will get more shit from them if it’s causing fatigued in them. My solution - tell them to shop somewhere else and I will meet them when I’m done. But I usually get flak for this because they said we are supposed to be together when we go for a trip. OR - GO ALONE; find it.. And cuss when you can’t find it and get frustrated as hell.

C) They complain from day 1 to day 11. Been there done that; hate that shit.

* I shouldn’t be mad and hissy about what she said but.. It just annoys the hell out of me because this is about someone close to me. On the other hand, I understand her annoyance (because it’s tiring) but seriously! That was a one stop thing and it’s for FAMILY.

But.. I do need to tell that individual to calm down her need for bulk purchase. Cos that do seem quite a lot.

[unbloomedpeonies]

Fade

I can't believe myself.. Initially I was head over heels, constantly had that individual on my mind, dreamt of him, thought of him at the most random moments. I felt that those mushy Tumblr quotes was relatable. But right now.. I have this unexplainable feeling in my chest.. It doesn't feel painful neither do I feel excited as before. (I still get the occasional flutters thou.) I thought I would be that female lead that cries and think of her special other after a lot of years. Well, looks like I ain't gonna be that female lead~ (Kinda resigned to that fate/ 'Naw,wtf.. Fuck this shit, I'm out' kind of thing. That feeling just sort of faded. Well, that's about it.. Looks like 2015 is a new start and I better keep the 'crush-ing' under control. Ain't no fun to be liking someone. I'm outta hereeee.

[unbloomedpeonies]

Mr.애매모호 / Mr Ambiguous

Mr.애매모호  - Mamamoo (Click to listen!~)

I have repeating this song for a few days now. Their vocals and ad-libs are amazing. They can sing well.. 

Am fangirl-ing over Solar rn, hella pretty with powerhouse vocals.

What I like about this; is the lyrics. Which kinda fits with what I am going through now.

실례지만 내게 뭐가 묻은 거니 니 눈빛에 내가 헷갈리잖니 mamamoo mamamoo 거기 Mr.애매모호 쳐다만 보지 말고 좀 더 다가와 봐

I’m sorry, but what are you asking me? I’m confused by the light in your eyes Mamamoo, mamamoo, there’s Mr. Ambiguous Don’t just glance over, come to me

쉿!! 뭐 지금 저한테 관심 있으세요?

Shh! What are you interested in now?

Lyrics and Trans Cr: ColorCodedLyrics.com

And a quick catchup on my first day of school..

IT IS HELLA TERRIBLE. I didnt really like the lecturer; kinda reminded me of Mr Tay. And sadly, we cant switch class.

So I am just going to grit my teeth and go with it. Well, its only for a few months right? (Consoling self - fails terribly)

I wonder should I get a stint at Sephora - I miss touching makeup.

[unbloomedpeonies]

SO NOT FUCKING READY FOR SCHOOL

Having depressing thoughts about school.

- meeting new people and forming new groups. who knew that I still feel sick at the prospect of entering a new group after being in RP for 3 years.

- being away from people that I feel comfortable with

- feeling sad cos I’m not in my favorite lecturer’s class Dinesh is hella an awesome lecturer; Charming and Funny.

- kinda going through post ‘break-up-with-crush-in-my-head’ depression. I don’t know if I actually liked, like him.. Or maybe I just want the D.. Date.. I meant, date..

- the textbook does NOT look enticing.

- I DREAD SCHOOL. IM FUCKING AFRAID. HELP ME. TOWAJUSEYO.. asdfghjkl.

And I’m utterly displeased with myself.. For leaving my 'Recaps of 2014' sitting in my draft. And..ohyes, I need to get my 'Resolutions for 2015' done as well.