The Gray: Chapter 5
pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader
rating: 18+ (no minors please)
word count: 5k
chapter warnings etc: NOT CANON JOEL MILLER, swearing, mentions of violence, punching, kicking, blood, anger, SMUT, dirty talk, riding, hella consent, some size kink stuff okayyyy, pet names including Eminem references and nicknames but not to be associated with the appearance of reader. NO USE OF Y/N.
A/N: If you didn't see my personal post, I've had a wild couple months, and finishing this was last on my mind. BUT I want to thank those that have stuck around to read it. I apologize for errors, mistakes, and grammatical issues-I was inspired enough to finish it so let's give some woop-woop for that huh? Anyways, love yall <3
Be mindful, and control your own reading experience.
Joel doesn’t want to think it was a mistake.
Laying you out on his bed, fucking you and letting you ride him the way you did. It’s not like he can help himself, really. Once he got a taste of what it was like to have you, he couldn’t stop.
From round two of bending you over the couch and eating you out while you whined and called his name, to letting you suck him off in the shower, Joel doesn’t think he can go back to the routine you had before.
He’s easily distracted by you now. The way you float out of the training room, ready to take on the next file of paperwork to review. The way you blink at him slowly from the bed, silently asking him to join the warm blankets when it gets late. The way your teeth sink into your lip when you want to ask him for something that he’s more than happy to give.
He wants to give, give, give.
It’s been so long for him.
But the battery of one of his camera’s goes out during the week and he swears to internally, knowing he has to go fix it. When you ask if you can go with him, he realizes how easy it was to say yes.
“Just a dead camera, sugar.” He mumbles out, cheeks tightening with a smile when you scoff at him.
“We should stick together, in case anyone recognizes us.” You point out, leaning back on the couch and stretching like a cat in the sun. Your shirt rises, tempting Joel to go for the smooth skin beneath the fabric, but he refrains.
“We could go tonight. I don’t want the system to be down for too long.” He turns back to the screens, eyes hovering over the darkened one before shrugging. “I should probably check my mail too.”
You turn your head, frowning for a moment. “You actually get mail?”
Joel lets out a laugh, turning back to you.“I have to get those care packages of cereal sponsorships from somewhere.” He finds himself sitting down next to you, your legs easily lifting to lay over his lap. His fingers tickle at your calves, your smile the only indication that you notice he’s doing it.
Your eyes close as if you’re exhausted, yawning. “How are you still sponsored by Honey Nut Cheerios if you’re considered a villain?”
His hands tighten around your legs, squeezing at the muscles. “Don’t hate on my hussle.”
You burst out in a laugh, trying to pull your legs away but he holds on tighter, pulling you toward him until you’re able to sit up and straddle his lap. It’s almost instant how you lean into him, lips brushing his and sighing out happily as you grind your center against his own.
He shouldn’t get used to this, but he wants to.
Joel’s feet felt heavy on the sidewalk, his hood blocking his peripheral vision and the cover of dusk barely enough for him.
But you’re under his arm.
Your hand is wrapped around his waist under the sweatshirt, your own hood pulled up as he directs you. Your breath is fanning over the open zipper, one hand holding a bag of packages from the post office before you peer up at him. “Do you think we look crazy?”
Joel grunts, not giving you an answer as he turns his head to look into the road. The street lights are beginning to turn on, and the people on the streets are heading home. The temperature is dropping, he can feel it through the fabric, and your arm is so warm around him. No one notices or cares about your shared presence, and it sets his mind at ease.
The alleyway is coming up on the right, his body turning toward you, walking you backwards into a wall. You huff out a breath, confusion clear. “Kiss me.” It’s a demand, purely for the disguise he tries to tell himself, but he feels this pull toward you that he just can’t tame. You breath catches, your pupils widening as he leans in, pressing his lips to yours.
He’s trying to keep control of himself–your hand is snaking up to around the back of his head, keeping his hood in place. Your lips are so soft, and he can’t help but groan when he tries to pull away, pressing a quick kiss to your cheek. “We need to go here.” He mumbles into your ear, letting you explore the rest of his body with your hands. “Keep going.”
“I think you just wanted to kiss me.” You tease, turning your head to capture his mouth again, sighing happily.
He pulls you away from the wall, taking another glance around before pulling you down the dark alleyway into the shadow. His hand is stuck to your back, and Joel is trying to get ahold of himself.
He unlocks a door in the back of the alley, no lights in sight as he pushes you into the hallway, the door shutting quietly behind you both. Joel feels your breath catch, how you hold it until he squeezes around your hip. “Alright?” He asks gruffly, feeling you nod against his chest.
You hum in a high pitched tone, breathing in sharply and reaching for his hand and squeezing roughly. “I can’t see.” You squeak.
Joel frowns in the darkness, tilting his head to look down at you. His eyes have adjusted, used to this, his powers kicking in to accommodate, and your eyes are wide and searching around in the shadow for anything. Terrified.
“Just step forward, sugar.” He says quietly, giving you another squeeze. “Your eyes will adjust.”
His attention is fully on you, steering you in the direction he wants to go, you still blindly trusting him. This thought in the back of his head that you shouldn’t be trusting him, and he shouldn’t trust you goes quiet, keeping a firm grip on you.
He feels you shake, unable to relax enough for your eyes to take in what little light there is, and he lets his body relax against you. “There is a room at the end of this hallway where I can turn on the lights.” He says quietly, letting you set the pace for how fast you both walk but still directing you.
You let out a shaky breath, nodding without a word as you continue on. His hand lets go of you, your back stiffening against his front, until a light flickers on and you’re both bathed in the yellowed bulb.
Joel steps in front of you, a small smile on his face as he looks you over. “Should train you in the dark instead of running.” He comments, hoping to lift your mood.
When all you do is nod, biting at your lip and looking around, he frowns.
Here in the light, he can see the wires he’s haphazardly put up, messy but working. His eyes find the backup battery, crouching over to begin opening it. “Just a quick fix.” He grumbles, letting you stand in the center of the room as he works.
Joel notices the way your lips upturn for a moment, pretending that you’re fine as you stare only at him and not behind you. He pulls batteries out of his pocket, hand gliding over the different stations and replacing the old with the new.
“What happens if one of the wires goes bad?” You ask quietly, eyes trained on his features as he glances in your direction.
“It hasn’t happened yet, but I would replace the wire. It doesn’t go very far, just to a wireless router that lets the visuals come to me virtually instead of the wires being all around town.” He speaks quickly, feeling embarrassed for a moment before he shrugs. “Not too complicated.”
You nod, placing your hands behind your back and taking a step toward him. “Anything I can do?”
Joel is already shaking his head, frowning internally. “No, just…stand guard.” He mumbles, turning his back to you even though everything in him tells him he shouldn’t be trusting you this way. It’s only for a few more minutes.
You’re standing awkwardly a few paces away from Joel still, 30 minutes later. You had offered again to give him help, but he grumbled that he “needed you to stay put.” and you chose to lean against the wall instead.
Something felt off.
Joel over the past few days has been either fucking you or observing you. And to be honest with yourself, you prefer it when he’s fucking you because at least then you can both shut off your brains for a moment.
Now that it’s happened, whatever this is between you, Joel is closing himself back off. You thought you were making progress, showing your interest, your shared goal of getting revenge was opening him up, loosening him so that you could truely work together.
But now…
Joel suddenly stands, breaking you out of your thoughts as he turns. “All done, let’s go.”
“What took so long?” You question, wincing when he shuts off the lights again, the green and red indications on the battery packs and where the wires connect the only thing you can see until Joel stands in front of you, blocking the light.
“The old battery leaked, I had to clean it out.” He mumbles, his warm hands landing on your shoulders and you can’t help but jump. He turns you, ignoring your physical reaction and leading you back down the hallway.
When you feel the cool metal at your fingertips, you breathe a sigh of relief, the latch opening into the night that is somehow just as dark. But the street lights are nearby, and your eyes are more easily adjusting to out here than to in the alleyway.
The silence between the two of you, Joel arm wrapped stiffly around your shoulder again, your hand clutching the fabric of his sweatshirt as he leads you back the way you came, has you retreating into your mind again.
Back at the hideout, the bag of his mail being placed gently on the table, you look over to Joel. He’s grabbing at his hair, pulling at the roots of the gray by his ears and looking to the security system. You glance at the screens, taking a double take when you see Marianne in town square, AJ at her side as they walk casually into The Organization headquarters.
Joel grunts unhappily, turning to look at you. “We have to get this plan moving.”
He’s back to sharing with you, a wave of relief filling you as you sit down on the couch, taking off your sweatshirt. “I agree. They shouldn’t get too comfortable.”
Instead of sitting beside you, he pulls a chair out from the table to sit across from you, leaning forward with his elbow on his knees, scratching at his chin. You bite the inside of your cheek, doing your best to keep your thoughts to yourself, no matter how much you want to jump him right now.
The ease at which he leans, his biceps straining against even the sweatshirt he still has on, has your eyes trailing over him as he talks. “We have to grab AJ, minimum, tomorrow during his next PR stunt. That’s the only way. We’ve let them do their thing for a few weeks now, letting them get comfortable, but it’s not wise of us to assume that they aren’t preparing as well.”
“Of course.” You cough, eyes looking back up to him after catching your thoughts wandering too far to pay attention.
His eyes, deep brown crinkle at the sides as he smirks at you, a glimmer of mischief. “Watch it, sugar.”
“I didn’t do anything.” You feign innocence, not bothering to shoot him a smirk of your own when he leans back, his arms crossing over his chest and his chin tilting down to examine you better.
“Maybe not.” He says quietly, the roughness of his voice making your insides clench. He pushes a foot out, the toe of his boot barely brushing yours. “But you’re thinking of something.”
“Not a thought behind these eyes.” You squeak, crossing your own arms to mirror him. This is what you prefer with him; this banter back and forth that keeps him relaxed around you. When he gets stiff and awkward, as if he’s hiding things from you, makes your own guard come up.
His tongue peeks out, licking his bottom lip as he taps his foot one, two, three times. “Want to know what I’m thinking?” He asks, leaning back forward and letting his arms release and reach for your knee. Joel doesn’t wait for your response before he continues. “I’m thinking about how you would look right now if you were riding my cock.”
You widen your eyes, almost choking as his fingers sink into the skin on your leg and pull you toward him, as if inviting you right now. “You want me to?”
“If you want.” He says quietly, his gaze glancing down to your shirt, to where his hands are holding your legs.
You tilt your head, biting your lip and letting your hand land on top of his. “I always want to.” You admit, smiling at him when his eyes come back to meet your own.
His cheeks slowly fade into a shade of red, shaking his head at you in disbelief before he stands, grabbing your hand to pull you up with him.
He switches places with you, spinning you around so that he can slowly lower himself on to the couch. His lips trail along the front of your shirt, a path of heat left in his wake. Joel quickly squeezes at your hips before he fully sits down, leaning comfortably with his neck exposed to you.
Like there are no thoughts in your head, you press one knee down into the cushion by his thigh, pressing your center to his as you sit in his lap. “This is what you wanted?” You ask breathlessly, resting your hands on his shoulders.
He hums, letting his eyes half close before pressing his lips in to your collarbone. “You’re just so pretty propped up on my lap like this.”
Your heart races under his mouth, closing your eyes and sighing to try and keep it together. “You just want me to do all the work, Joel.”
He chuckles, fingers digging into your hip as an answer before he lets his fingers drift up under your shirt, skating the fabric up over your ribcage. When the shirt comes off and his eyes are trailing over your chest, you can’t help but reach down to his jeans, unbuttoning them as quickly as your fingers allow.
You almost don’t notice how Joel brings a hand up, squeezing you before pinching a nipple to listen to you hiss. “Let me see you, baby.”
You’re barely able to move his zipper out of the way fast enough, the strain against the fabric making it hard to manuver. He grunts as your fingers wrap around him, pulling him out of his briefs as best as you can to look down at the weeping head.
You feel your mouth dry, seeing the length of him catching you off guard like it has previously. But he doesn’t allow you to think for much longer about it, shifting your hips forward to let the head of his cock press at your opening for a moment before lifting you just enough to fit himself in.
You groan in unison, eyes closing in bliss as you attempt to adjust to Joel’s size. He gives you little time, fingers pressing into your hips and torso, urging you to lift yourself on your knees and press yourself into him over and over.
“Lift that perfect ass up.” He growls, snaking his hand down to the roundness of your ass and squeezing.
“Let me just–” You moan, the slight lift from his hand before rocking back down on him has you losing focus. “You’re just so–”
“I know.” He coos, his other hand pushing your hair back, hooking around the back of your neck and jaw. Your eyes blink open, leaning into his hand to see how his pupils have blown wide, his mouth open with his own breath. “I know, baby. It’s a lot, huh?”
You furrow your brow at the tone, the light teasing as if he is challenging you. You fall into his trap, lifting yourself slowly to being riding him, picking up the pace as you gain momentum. Your hands support yourself on his shoulders, his head lolling back at the feeling of you squeezing him.
“That’s it.” He breathes, lifting a hand away from your ass and landing a light smack to the skin. “So fucking good like this, sugar.”
You sink your teeth into your lip, closing your eyes as you feel your end approaching. The way his cock has been brushing against your walls, the press of his fingers into your skin…
“Joel.” You warn, digging your nails into his shoulders. “I-I’m–”
“Go ahead, baby.” He pants, lifting his own hips to meet yours as your rhythm begins to falter.
When you finish around him, your walls squeezing him to the point that his own moan is choked, you almost fall completely into him. Your vision goes completely white, unable to know which way is up or down, not knowing how long it lasts for.
Joel holds you steady, pumping his hips up from the couch into you for only a few more times before he comes himself. “Fuck–sugar–” He calls faintly, your ears ringing as you rest your forehead against his neck.
You both sit there for a few moments, catching your breath as you cuddle into his chest before he lifts you with him still inside, standing and carefully walking toward the bedroom.
“Tomorrow?” You ask breathlessly, referring to AJ’s PR stunt. Your eyes are drooping, heavily closing and reopening with less and less ability to keep them open to focus on him.
Joel sighs, a new shirt covering you and him, his jeans replaced with pajamas as he’s pulling the blanket up past your shoulders and pressing his lips to your temple. “Y-yeah.” He coughs, laying his head down on the pillow next to you. “I’ll wake you up so we can be in position before they get there.”
“Okay.” You respond, drifting off into a dreamless sleep.
But Joel doesn’t sleep.
Instead, he lays next to you until he knows you’ve truly passed out, standing up and grabbing his jeans before shutting the door behind him and heading to his stash of weapons. He’s only given you the information he knows you would have already had if you were still in contact with AJ and Marianne.
You wouldn’t do that to him.
But he can’t be too careful.
There’s this alarm in the back of his brain, telling him that he’s gotten too sloppy with you. That he played right into your hand, got too comfortable because he likes burying his cock into you, likes having you around.
Likes you.
But he can’t think about that too much right now; he puts on his gear and straps a few extra weapons to him in case something goes wrong. He can do this alone like he had always planned before, and he will deal with your wrath after. Assuming you would be upset with him and not impressed that he caught on to some ulterior motives you may have.
Joel swears to himself as he looks at the closed bedroom door, not daring to open it in case it wakes you.
He knows he will get his revenge, whether you’re with him, or against him.
The roof of this building is just like the rest, the wind whipping through and slapping him in the face roughly. He squints, doing his best to not react any further and hold himself still, watching as the shadows get darker around him.
He watches the camera crew, come and go, come and go, and come and go again. Setting up their equipment, being berated by Marianne over the phone, changing out the gear. Joel remains patient, prowling, keeping his eyes on what is in front of him.
He’s so intently focused, that when the sun begins to set, and the time that AJ and Marianne gets closer and closer, his thoughts wander to you. He had set up his cameras to detect when you left, to alert him, but nothing. He refrains from checking his watch, knowing he may miss what is right in front of him.
And then suddenly, AJ strides in front of him, just as Joel knew he would scanning the area curiously before turning to the cameras set up but abandoned.
That worries him, but only long enough for him to think about it before the person he is after is in front of him again. “Am I early?” He calls, turning his body away from Joel’s direction unknowingly.
Joel creeps out, the shadows around him covering him for a second longer before he lets it drop. “AJ, how nice to see you again.” He says gruffly, tilting his head as he watches AJ turn slowly. “Expecting me, I see?”
“Joel…” AJ says with a warning tone, clenching his fists at his sides, tilting his chin down and breathing in deeply. “Why are you here? Where’s our little friend?”
“I figured she would be with you…” Joel trails off, realizing now that he was wrong…of course he was wrong. He’s been too paranoid to know the difference. “I’m not letting you leave this roof alive.”
AJ scoffs. “Like hell, old man.”
Joel doesn’t wait any longer, rushing him and letting his fist connect with the side of AJ’s face. AJ turns, blood spilling from between his teeth at the uanticipated blow before shaking his head back. Joel hears the crack of his bones, and rocks another into AJ’s shoulder before he can send one back.
AJ sneers at him, spinning and launching himself forward with a powerful kick aimed at Joel’s midsection. Joel dodges, barely getting the toe of the boot to his ribs as he lets his open palm slam into AJ’s nose.
"Pretty good for an old man!" Joel laughs, following up with a series of quick jabs into AJ’s kidneys from behind. But AJ is able to turn, wrapping his arm around Joel’s neck quickly with his lightning speed before Joel even has a chance, letting his knuckles bruise Joel’s cheek.
He keeps connecting his fist to Joel’s face, over and over and over again, to the point that Joel suddenly regrets being here alone. This feeling swells inside of him, his arms flailing, trying to catch on to AJ’s sleeves, or on to anything before AJ completely obliterates his face, but he can’t seem to get a grip.
“Just like always, Miller.” AJ says breathlessly, taking a break long enough to tilt Joel’s face up to get a better look at the blood, at the bruises blooming below the surface. “You always start it, but I will always finish it.”
Joel should have known better than to do this alone. But he just couldn’t help himself.
Another blow to the face before the ringing in his ears increases, the break from AJ’s fists only temporary while he feels the vibrations of AJ’s laugh. Another punch to his cheek, his hands becoming weak from holding at AJ’s arm, not able to provide air for himself any longer.
But suddenly, the arm is lifted from his neck and he is able to kneel roughly, coughing into the concrete and supporting himself on his hands. Joel looks up, the ringing subsiding, his heartbeat still loud in his ears to see you, standing above AJ leaning over the side of the roof.
And it’s not like the movies, with anything said between the two of you, or him pleading for his life. No, Joel watches as you reach down, your foot pressing deeper into AJ’s sternum and wrapping your hands around his head, quickly twisting and snapping his neck.
Your suit glows around the arms, the strength you used not your own, as you stand there and stare at the life you just took, before releasing your foot and letting AJ’s body fall over the side of the building.
Joel releases a sigh, breath heaving as he looks at you, turning your body to face him as if he is next. Your eyes are glued to him, blood on your hands, splattered up your wrists from your own punches thrown, and all he can see is fury. “Why did you do that?” He asks, husky and dry on his tongue.
You stare at him a bit longer, a frown of confusion on your face for a moment before you lift a hand and point at him. “You don’t trust me.” You spit at him. You suit continues to glow, and Joel realizes that you’ve made your suit work off your emotions; your anger.
Joel coughs, closing his eyes from the pain radiating through his face, before the words spill out of his mouth. “I couldn’t. I had to be sure. I had to do this myself.”
You laugh, shaking your head and looking down to AJ’s still body over the edge of the roof. “Yeah well I finished it.”
At first, Joel doesn’t know what to say. He’s not sure if he should thank you, or if he should be upset with you. He settles on indifferent, sighing heavily. “I know. I’m at peace with that.”
You turn you back to him, shoulders coming up to your ears in defense as if Joel is going to take a step forward and touch you. Part of him wants to–to put a hand on your shoulder, to turn you around, to whisper how thankful he is for you. For saving him. He was literally about to be pummeled to death.
But he doesn’t, he stays where he is, one knee on the ground and the other supporting his elbow. He begins to stand, grunting and groaning at the feeling before resting on the balls of his feet and staring at you.
You open your mouth, straightening your back and turning to him again, but this time you’re even more stone cold. No anger, no anything, just looking at him. “I’m not at peace.”
Joel is confused for a moment, eyebrow furrowed as he waits for something else to come out of your mouth. “What do you mean?” He concedes.
“If you can’t trust me, I can’t trust you.” You say matter-of-fact, looking at his feet before snapping them back up to his face. “I’m done.”
The silence of the night fills the air between you, the distant sound of sirens reach Joel’s ears as he begins to understand what you mean. You can’t trust him, and so you won’t stick around. But that can’t be right, he just got used to you.
“You can’t be done with me.” He scoffs, shaking his head.
“I can. I am.” You clear your throat, crossing your arms over your chest in defense.
“Slim, please,” He caves, suddenly hyperaware that the sirens are getting closer, and they are likely coming here. The overwhelming feeling to fight for you comes over him, and he reaches out for you.
You try to dodge him, but his fingers graze your wrist. “Don’t fucking touch me, ever again.” You snarl, the cold exterior dropping for a moment and he swears he sees your eyes pool with tears. “You used me this morning, and nothing you say will change that.”
Joel shakes his head. “I know, baby I’m sorry–”
“Stop.” You cut him off, taking a large step away from him. The sirens are ever present, and you begin backing up toward the edge of the roof where AJ was standing. “I’m leaving.” You announce, twisting yourself to get ready to launch and fly off the edge.
“Will you come back to the hideout?” Joel persists, stepping forward and reaching for your hand. You’re already mad, maybe this won’t help, but he has to try. His fingers graze yours, and you pull away as if burned.
You shake your head, hissing. “Never. You can’t trust me, I can’t trust you. We’re done Joel, do you hear me?”
Joel lets his hand fall back to his side, the feeling of something warm dripping down the side of his face as he whispers. “Is that what you want?”
You gasp, eyes searching over his face, not expecting him to ask that. He sees you nod your head, the tears back. “Yes.”
Joel nods, stepping back toward the shadows, the sound of yelling filling his ears. “Get out of here.” He nods at you, covering himself in shadow as he launch yourself off the side of the roof.
When Joel is able to make it back to his hideout, the news on the TV already covering AJ’s death, he roughly sits down on the couch and sighs heavily. He looks to the open bedroom door, the sheets and blankets a mess, and can almost see the panic that you endured as you began to get ready, trying to find where Joel was.
He almost laughs, the feeling on the side of his face radiating a pain he hasn’t felt before. His eyes flick back to the screens in front of him, Marianne plastered over every single one as she tries to work the PR crisis.
But Joel doesn’t feel anything about it, about Marianne being on the screen. Instead, Joel stands and clicks a few buttons, his surveillance cameras turning to the rooftop he just came from, rewinding the time to see what exactly happened.
He watches, emotionless, until you appear on the screen. He commands his security system, a few clicks of triangulation, and now the security system is focused for him. Focused on finding you.
Joel knows you don’t want to be found; you made that very clear. But…he knows he can’t help himself.
If he can help protect you, even though you can do it yourself, then he will try.
