I just read Argent Star by DWJ and Mike Spicer. I found this particularly interesting in the way it portrays self-acceptance and self-loathing.
The major conflict of the story is that Bill has lost Stormbreaker after Donny Cates’ Thor run, and now he cannot turn back into his humanoid form, stuck in his horse-like enhanced form. He sets out on a quest to retrieve a weapon to be able to change himself back into his Korbinite form, before the enhancements.
What I want to highlight specifically is how DWJ highlights Bill’s self-loathing. Because it truly is within Bill’s self. Besides an insult from a Knullified Fing Fang Foom, and Sif bringing Bill in for a romantic night, only to push him away when she finds he cannot change, the story does not focus on how those react to Bill’s outward appearance, it focuses on Bill’s perception.
Even though Skurge and Pip and Skuttlebutt all accept Bill for who he is, that is not enough for him. In his reflections, all Bill can see is his Korbinite form, when he was beautiful, as Bill often puts it.
It is only through the exterior actions of others, through their admittance that they can see Bill, past his bulk, past his might, into his heart, that can change Bill. Bill knows that some people think he looks awesome, or tough, or mighty—and that’s why he needs to change back, so people can see him. That’s why he hates his appearance: he thinks it stops people from seeing him.
So when people finally see Bill, or admit to seeing Bill, and to knowing him, he can change. But ever still he goes, and he gets the Twilight sword and changes his appearance back. Just because he has been seen, his insecurities do not fade, which I think was brilliant on DWJ’s part to emphasize how we do not simply be changed by a few conversations. Change happens slowly, not all at once. It would have been easy to have Bill chats, and abandon his mission at the end, realize he is beautiful as is, and not take the Twilight sword. But he does fulfill his quest.
But even though Bill had what he wants now, his Korbinite form back, he sees in the mirror, his warrior from. The horse-like face staring back at him. We are only given that at the end of the story. Bill has not accepted himself wholly, as he embodies his humanoid form to be beautiful, but he doesn’t hate the face in the mirror either. It is a small step on the path towards self-acceptance, and away from loathing.
So what is the takeaway from this book? I think it is two things. 1. Self-loathing doesn’t always have a specific cause, sometimes the loathing comes about because of what isn’t acknowledged, not from what is. 2. See people. See yourself. See others. And tell them. Tell them you can see them. That you can know them. That you see who they are.
Being seen puts you on a path to acceptance, both from seeing yourself, and others seeing you.
