𝐀𝐧 𝐈𝐧𝐜𝐡 𝐅𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐧
• Supposedly, Halloween is the one day of the year when the veil between the worlds of the living and the dead is the thinnest. • Or, Kun misses Ten, there’s no doubt about that. Kun’s learnt to live life without him, but there will always be a part of him that can’t quite seem to let go.
• also available on ao3
You make me feel like radio static and the fuzz at the edges of old TV screens. You colour my world in moon haze and light creaking through broken blinds. Every footstep by your side is an adventure.
Kun misses Ten. There’s no doubt about that, it’s a simple fact. He misses his smile, his laugh, the way he held him, the way he looked at Kun.
Their story was simple but Kun thinks it must look sad all the same to others. He didn’t like to think of it that way, after all he knew Ten would die one day, he sat by his side through countless hospital visits, carried him up the stairs when he was too exhausted to walk himself, brushed the hair out of his face when the chemo filled Ten with every ounce of pain it could muster.
Kun learnt to live life without Ten after being by his side for so long. And he’s okay, really. For a while he wasn’t, even when he said he was. He knew Sicheng saw through every single one of his facades but the younger let him be, he knew he needed time. Time is the greatest healer of them all.
It’s been two years now and Kun finally feels like he can breathe again. It took a few weeks, more like a few months, for Kun to truly say goodbye. All the days spent bundled under piles of blankets in bed, clutching at whatever piece of Ten he could find. Their apartment felt empty without Ten, void of joy and life. But Kun kept telling himself that one day he’d be okay, he’d find home again.
Learning to do things without Ten was the hardest. Waking up in the morning and only making one cup of tea as opposed to two, only putting enough bread in the toaster for one, one toothbrush in the bathroom, one side of the bed untouched, grocery shopping for one. It was the small, mundane, mediocre, everyday things that were the hardest. But Kun got through it. Rather than making meals for one, he’d take leftovers or invite their friends over and all of them would drop what they were doing in a heartbeat to make sure Kun was, to make sure he is okay. He couldn’t have done it without them. All the grumbling when they tried to drag him out of bed or attempts at resisting Lucas’s puppy dog eyes to get him out of the flat or Chenle turning up unannounced to play him a new composition he’d learnt.
Time passed, Kun learnt new things, he moved forward, took each day as it came. Kun began to breathe again.
༓࿇༓
In all honesty, Kun feels stupid. He may as well of said bippity-boppity-boo and been done with it. But still he sits, curled up in his apartment at 10 pm on a Thursday night with a glass of wine in his hand (his second, he’d downed the first before he’d even managed to get out of the kitchen). It’s the expensive kind, the bottle of red he and Ten used to buy for special occasions– not date nights though (arguably a special occasion to Kun but Ten always countered that with a ‘I’d call all the time we spend together a special occasion, if we did that we’d end up broke by the end of the month’).
He wasn’t sure what to wear or how to do his hair, does anyone know you’re supposed to ‘look the part’ when you attempt to summon your dead boyfriend across the veil separating the dead and the living? It’s not exactly something he’s prepared to google. He still couldn’t believe he was doing this.
Is this even going to work? Is Ten watching him from beyond the grave, laughing at how clueless he is?
Does Ten even want to see him?
The weirdest part of all is somehow not the actual trying to communicate with the dead, but that he’s actually listening to Yangyang. Of all people, he’s trusting Yangyang. Maybe that’s the first red flag that Kun has truly lost his marbles, but why not lose a few more while he’s at it, continue on whatever downward spiral you need to be on that you’re trying to contact those beyond the grave. He's really believing Yangyang that people can cross the veil between the living and the dead.
According to him, Yangyang had learnt about finding ways to get closer to the dead in his philosophy class (seriously, what were they being taught these days?) and decided to share it with Kun in the hopes it’d help him finally take that next step in moving on with his life. He'd spent hours going on and on about the veil between the worlds of the dead and the living, explaining what simply, sounded like nonsense to Kun, but had sparked his interest when he mentioned being able to see the loved ones you lost again. Kun had moved on, he didn’t shed tears day after day anymore, he hardly ever got two mugs out instead of one. He was doing well. But he couldn’t completely let go.
He wasn’t sure he ever would, he doesn’t know how to exist in a world where he doesn’t love Ten.
There’s still pieces of Ten filtering through their (he never calls it just ‘his’) apartment, miscellaneous nick-nacks Ten picked up from market stalls on their travels, unpaired earrings Ten seemed to leave all over the place, paintings hung on the walls with Ten’s small signature in the corner, Ten’s clothes still hung up, left completely untouched in their wardrobe.
Kun’s really doing this, he’s really about to try and summon a ghost.
Before he does anything else, he swallows another large gulp of wine and then another, before lighting the candles. There’s a mix of lavender and a faint spice Kun never learnt the name of, those were always Ten’s favourite and that seems to be one of the things he hasn’t let go of yet, the scent still filling his apartment day by day. A subtle but potent reminder of Ten, of his presence.
The candles are lit, the glass of wine placed with wobbly hands on the table next to him. He closed his eyes, thinking that’d make some kind of difference. Kun mutters the words Yangyang had told him to, they’re something foreign, a language Kun doesn’t recognise. He thinks he must be going mad when he’s jolted out of his trance by a knock at his front door. He thinks it couldn’t be any more cliché, not that he’s actually expecting Ten to be there. In fact he’s fairly certain it’s going to be a drunk Xuxi crying about how beautiful Renjun looked in whatever costume he decided on for the party they were throwing tonight.
What he doesn’t expect is to be greeted with an all too familiar smile, an all too familiar person leaning against the door frame like it’s the most normal thing in the world.
“Hello my love, aren’t you going to let me in?” There’s a smirk on his face and god, Kun missed that smirk, Ten’s eyes sparkle as he lets out a slight laugh with it, Kun missed the way it makes his heart skip a beat. He’s never felt more alive in the last two years than he does right now, staring with his jaw hung low at his lover. His boyfriend, looking so lifelike. Kun thinks his mind must be playing tricks on him, he must’ve had more wine than he thought.
Kun steps aside, holding the door open, watching intently as Ten walks through, standing in their living room like he never left. Kun’s head spins a little, he sits down and tries to speak but no words come out.
There’s a pause, a lul as neither of them knew what to say until Kun seems to be teaching himself how to talk again.
“Holy shit. I didn’t think this would actually work,” Kun let out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding, somehow regaining the ability to speak again. “I never thought I’d see you again.”
Kun feels a warm hand caress the side of his face and he looks into Ten’s eyes as Ten steps closer to where Kun’s seated, the same eyes he fell in love with all those years ago.
“Oh Kun, my love, I miss you so much. You know I’m always watching over you.”
“I can feel you touching me and I can touch you and oh my god- this feels so real. I love you, I love you, I love you. I never told you I loved you enough.”
“Yes you did my love, you told me everyday, you still tell me every day.”
“I love you, I never want to let go.”
Ten sat down next to Kun, tangling himself in the pile of blankets, like he always used to. Kun watches him with a smile on his face that can only be described as fond and adoring.
“Kun-Kun, I’m sorry, this is going to end, I have to go back.”
“I know, I know, just- just let me pretend for a little bit? Let me pretend like you never left and that I still get to wake up with you in my arms?”
“Okay love, I can do that for you.” Ten leans down, fidgeting a little so his head is resting against Kun’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. The gentle metronome grounding him. Kun’s hands move instinctively, one caressing the patch of exposed skin where Ten’s shirt has lifted slightly with his movement, the other running through Ten’s hair. And god, it’s like he never went, his hair is still as fluffy as it had always been and there’s the faint scent of whatever spice it is from his shampoo, Kun never remembers the name, only that it’s not cinnamon. Ten always hated cinnamon, he would complain every Christmas about how it spoils gingerbread, begging Kun to make some specially for him, no cinnamon.
“You can’t waste all your love on me Kun,” Ten sighs, interrupting the silence they’d been basking in. “You’ve got the rest of your life ahead of you. Move on, fall in love with some pretty young thing and have the family you always wanted. You don’t deserve to be pining after me for years to come, you deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy.”
Kun’s crying now, just a little, the tears rolling down his cheeks and dampening the collar of his shirt. It’s been a while since he last cried over Ten, it only makes him miss him more, despite the fact he can feel Ten’s weight on his lap.
“Don’t worry about me anymore, Kun. I get to live the life where we get our happily ever after but for you, in this universe, you’ll end up happy with someone else. I promise you that and I promise you I’ll never stop loving you.”
“I’ll never stop loving you either.”
“I know my love, I know. But you can’t let that hold you back from falling in love with someone else. You deserve to be happy.”
“But you’re the one Ten. I got my soulmate and you died and that’s the end of our story. I had my one chance at the whole ‘great big love story’.”
“I’m only ‘the one’ until you find the next one. Trust me baby, I know more than you could ever imagine.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t save you. I was supposed to be by your side, supposed to protect you and I- I couldn’t even keep you alive. I failed, I- I broke my promises.”
“I’m happy Kun. I’m here, I’m alive in my own way. Here I am, sitting with you like nothing changed. I’m not in pain anymore. How is that failure, my love? You couldn’t change anything, I knew that before I met you.” Ten lent forward to press a soft kiss to his cheek, “I love you, I’ve always loved you. You took care of me even when I was at my worst. You gave me a light in a world I thought would be dark for the rest of my time on this godforsaken Earth.”
“I’ll always ask for a little more time, I know you can’t give it to me but you know I love you. I will love you until the end of the earth.”
“I love you too.”
༓࿇༓
Kun wakes up to the harsh light of the morning sun filtering in through the cracks in the blinds. He has to crick his neck from sleeping on the sofa, he knows his back is going to hurt the moment he wakes up but it was worth it. They laughed, smiled and cried while they felt normal for a slither of time. Ten asking questions about Lucas and Renjun or if Chenle’s keeping up with his piano lessons from Kun. Kun wants to ask why Ten wants to know when Ten’s already admitted to watching over him, keeping tabs on their friends. Kun wants to ask why, why Ten came to see him again. He wants to ask how, he tries to resist the temptation. Kun doesn’t ask, he lets himself enjoy Ten’s company, while it lasts.
He doesn’t know if it was real, he’ll never know if it’s real or just something he dreamed of in a way to cope with missing Ten. Kun will never know the truth but he prefers it that way. He smiles to himself, no matter what– Ten knows Kun loves him, Kun knows Ten loves him, wherever they may be, however far apart they are.
Kun got to be an inch from heaven and for that he will be eternally grateful.
Kun doesn't know how to live in a world where he doesn't love Ten, and he never will.
When he finds the motivation to get up and trudge into the kitchen there’s a post-it Kun doesn’t remember putting up;
‘I love you. Take care of yourself my love, until next year.”