[Consult Question 1 for further clarification]
Born in finland, grew up in Michigan, lived in California and Switzerland before that. Moved back to Helsinki when I graduated high school (in 2008).
Honestly I can't say I'm "from" anywhere, but I've lived in Finland all the time I've identified as ace.
3. How would you define your identity (Demisexual, aromantic, etc)?
4. When did you first hear the word asexual? How did you define it?
In biology class, for asexual reproduction.
I was maybe 20 or so, when I first heard about the orientation. It was shared by one of the LGBT+ pages I follow on FB. I think the image defined asexuality, probably in a similar way to AVEN. So that's the definition I've used.
5. Have you "come out" to friends or family?
Some friends yes, family and other friends, no.
6. What is your opinion on "Coming out" as asexual?
It's a personal decision, nobody has to come out. In my case, I do want to be open about it, at least to people I'm close with. I'd like to come out to my mother, but I think she might have trouble believing it's a real orientation and not just a result of mental illness. (Though if she believed it was real, she'd be accepting; my mom would be fine with me identifying anywhere on the LGBT+ spectrum.) And I of course don't know how she'd respond, maybe my fears are completely irrational and she'd believe in asexuality. But she's a researcher, she takes a bit of convincing.
Most times I've come out due to need; once due to a friend who admitted he liked me, and once in a game of truth or dare when my friends didn't let me talk my way out of it.
7. What were some responses that you received to your identity?
"Are you sure you weren't raped?" (I think that was the response from the first person I told.)
"What happened to you?!?!"
"Sooo.. you're bisexual?"
On the positive side, I've had several people be very understanding and knowledgeable about it. One friend who didn't know anything still took the trouble to learn about it.
8. In your country, how is asexuality viewed?
I think most people who are not aware of LGBT+ issues don't know about asexuality.
9. In your country, how is Asexuality seen in the LGBT* community?
SETA, the national organization for LGBT+ rights, says something like this about asexuality. (rough translation)
Though asexuality exists, due to the fact that asexuals are still romantically attracted to men, women, or both, they identify as straight/gay/bi. (They also exclude pansexuality)
So, basically, they do admit that aces exist but seem to think aromantics don't. And that romantic aces do not face any unique issues that are different from sexuals of the same romantic orientation. When I saw a poster from their organization which had "all" of the possible LGBTQ+ terms, they excluded asexuality (but did include heterosexuality). I've not brought up this issue with them though I'd like to someday.
On the other hand, the Helsinki chapter does have "asexual nights" which I've not yet attended but might someday.
10. Culturally, what can be said about someone who experiences zero* sexual attraction?
I'm not 100% sure what this question means. If you mean to ask how an average citizen of this culture would view an aromantic, then:
Probably as someone who is traumatized, someone who needs help. Some members of the older generation might of course still have the belief that women don't feel sexual attraction, though I'm honestly sure how common that idea is if it exists at all.
But generally, someone who doesn't want to screw is probably seen as either traumatized, or repressed. There's the idea, especially among the younger population, that everyone should be having sex.
11. How would your describe your cultures image of normal? I.E. In the United States a typical person would be a White Heterosexual Man who is Middle Class.
White, heterosexual man. He would probably be either college or trade school educated, have a house or an apartment (depending if he lived in a city or outside it), probably married with children if he's older than 30. Under 30, he'd probably be dating, either in college or starting at his job. He'd be middle class as well.
12. Are there any significant observations that you've made regarding how asexuality is viewed? Feel free to elaborate.
Not that I can think of currently.
13. Is there any pressure in your family, or culture in general, to settle down and follow a lifestyle that does not agree with your identity? [Feel free to elaborate.]
Yes. My mother is a single parent, and as such knows life is definitely harder financially, which she has often told me. She's also told me that, were I to get a child now, she'd be available to help care for it. On the other hand, she's a PhD who gave birth late; she completely understands the lack of desire to have children right now and most of the time her comments about children are not serious. But there's still the underlying assumption that I will one day want to have children. (And I might, but I'm sex repulsed so that kinda doesn't help.)
My family is heteronormative. To my knowledge, none of my family members are on the LGBTQ+ spectrum in any way. Everyone assumes I'm straight, there's expectations to at least go on dates or show interest in someone. I'm often encouraged to "just give someone a chance" and to go out with someone "even if I'm not in love with them," because "I'll never find someone if I don't try."
Having lived abroad for over 10 years, the rest of my family is not as close to me as my mother is. I feel that they are more conservative than my mother (at least the immediate family). My aunt has made it clear that she thinks my lack of romantic interest is due to "daddy issues."
The overall culture is fairly liberal (at least in helsinki, the rural areas are probably more conservative.) Singleness at my age isn't seen as terribly abnormal, especially when one is in college. However, a traditionally heterosexual lifestyle is seen as the norm. Society assumes I'll one day meet a nice man and want to settle down.
While my mother is understanding of my desire to focus on school, and would be understanding of homosexuality, she still believes that I am a heterosexual who will one day want to find a man and start a family.
The rest of my immediate family is possibly more conservative than her. Though none of them quite know of my struggles with mental illness, they probably attribute my lack of interest to mental issues. Lacking a better explanation, my mother does too.
The culture overall is comparatively liberal, but heterosexuality is still seen as the default. Single parents are accepted, and there is growing support for LGBP relationships. Lack of romantic or sexual attraction is, however, seen as something that needs to be cured.
14. How has your identity affected your life?
I've felt like some sort of freak for pretty much all my teenage years. From middle school onward, I kept wondering why I did not feel anything. Was I traumatized? Or somehow undeveloped? Or just some monster incapable of feeling "normal, human" emotions? As I did not feel attraction to women, I thought I was straight but somehow broken. This continued until I finally understood what I was.
I also kept trying to force myself into a heteronormative mold. I once developed a slight squish on a guy, and somehow convinced myself I had a crush on him. But this always felt wrong, the thought of him making a move on me felt terrifying. I just wanted to be friends.
I've also often thought about just trying to date, to maybe go somewhere and meet guys. But in the back of my mind I had the fear/knowledge that I'd never be able to feel anything and I'd just let the guy down.
There was always a fear that, once I married, I'd have to have sex with that guy because "that's what married people do." And the thought that I would rather become a nun. (And I've been inside a church at most once a year, on Christmas. Completely agnostic.) But I thought it would be preferable to having to have sex.
Of course, I was also blinded by Hollywood BS. I thought that one day, I'd meet "The One," and suddenly I could feel in love with him. Or that he'd somehow "fix me" so I could be normal. I think it was my lack of romantic attraction that bothered me more than the lack of sexual attraction; or maybe I just thought that sexual attraction would be a direct result of falling in love.
It was such a relief to figure out I'm ace. If I was given the chance, I wouldn't change my sexual orientation. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm not messed up.
It's the aromanticism I'm still struggling with. I don't want to end up alone, and maybe I've still bought into a very romanticized idea of love. I do (eventually) want a companion, I'd love to have someone to travel with, who I could trust and who wouldn't leave me. There's a part of me that wishes I could fall in love, and finding out about aromanticism has, in some ways, been negative since I now know that nobody will ever "fix" me. Of course, it's a relief to know I'm not broken. I'm still hoping for a QP relationship one of these days, though.
15. Anything else you'd like to share?
Before I knew I was asexual, I was seeing a therapist for unrelated reasons. At this point, I was worried about my lack of sexual and romantic attraction, I knew it was not "normal." I asked her if she could think of anything, her suggestion was to wonder if I had any trauma, and, when hearing I did not, suggesting I masturbate. (I did not, I'm repulsed by genitalia and non-libidoist. )
