( continuation from here // @surviivethis )
she always had a tick. whenever she was scared or too upset, her bottom lip would start quivering and it wouldn’t stop until harper finally cried. it didn’t even have to be a BIG DEAL, but tears sometimes made things easier. let out the energy and tension she always held in. lips were drawn into a thin line now, and the girl was using all of her focus to keep that bottom lip from moving. once it did, she would be found out. and then, he would know.
she did this to herself, truly. hadn’t she wanted to die? just because she changed her mind at the last minute, not a FOREIGN concept when it came to the girl, didn’t mean that she hadn’t completely abandoned the idea. she had wanted to die. but not like this. she had wanted it on her own terms.
but there were no cures in space – and they all knew that she was a risk. clarke knew it from the start. she was expendable because she was a variable. because she had a monster lurking in her cells.
the blonde wasn’t quite sure what to say to comfort the man in front of her, wasn’t sure how to help him this time. all she could think was about how she should’ve stayed in arkadia, should’ve drank the tea – longer goodbyes were the most painful, she’s come to realize. and this was the most painful of all. harper didn’t have much TIME. she knew the signs from when her father was sick. blood in her mouth, in her hand as she coughed. quicker breaths. heavier eyelids. slower heartbeat. first, she would go into cardiac arrest. a seizure. shock. flatline. it was all too familiar. but not to HIM. so, she took his hand.
“i’ve been thinking a lot – about alternate time lines?” god, look what he’s done to her. since when was she such a nerd? “y’know – in some time, you and i don’t even know each other. in another, maybe we’re still on the ark. the old ark. with everyone.” jaw clenched. bottom lip shook. just once.
“i’m sorry that this is the timeline we’re in, monty.” truthfully, she wished that he never loved her. she wished that she didn’t go back to him. she wished that she could somehow have saved him from this – could stop his heart from breaking because of her.
“i love you so much. you know that, right?”
monty had been there for the end of the world and this right here was by far worse. back then there had always been hope-- even as he watched his bullet pierce his mother’s heart or looked on as jasper took his last, minuscule breath. somehow hope had prevailed. and looking back, that hope had always looked a whole lot like harper. maybe it was unfair of him to put that on her, unfair to pile his hopes and dreams and love into one person. surely it would only lead to pain. and right now, that pain was threatening to tear in apart. she was trying not to cry, in a way that somehow made it even worse than if she was crying.
she’s being strong for me.
he could barely feel his hand wrapped around hers, could barely register the warmth on his scarred fingers ( it’s like she was already gone ) but god, what he’d give to feel her on his fingertips again. to trust him hands to be a comfort they once had been. monty looked at her, seeing how beautiful she was, how strong. he loved her with everything he had. but it wasn’t enough. it was never enough.
logic and reason had always been his strong suits-- even in the old days when he’d disregard them. but even he’d let himself hold on to the belief that the genes she carried from her father would never result in anything and that the probability would land in her favor. in their favor. but when had that ever been the case? they were unlucky, cursed the moment a hundred of them had plummeted through earth’s atmosphere. and there was no magic word or prayer he could utter that would undo the string of heartbreak and loss.
the urge to curl up beside her, to bury his face in her hair and let this moment fade into dream, was almost overwhelming, but this was happening now. and he knew there was no putting it off, not really. the lack of feeling in his hands had become unbearable, so he slowly brought her hand to her his lips, leaning into the warmth. as she spoke, he closed his eyes, though a soft smile shifted against her knuckles.
“ alternate timelines? ” despite the smile and tease in his words, a lump was forming in his throat. he opened his eyes, realizing there was no way in hell he wouldn’t be looking at her right now. here he was, at the precipice before her sickness got worse, and she was talking about alternate timelines. a realization like ice cold fingers gripped at his heart: i will never love anyone as much as i love her right now.
“ i’m not sorry. ” he was surprised how even his voice sounded while his heart of screaming in agony-- then again, this wouldn’t be the first time. monty met her eyes, bringing his hand down to his chest, right over his heart. a slight shake of the head was followed by a deep, slightly shaky breath. “ not for any of it. not even now. i just...” need you. love you. can’t live without you. “ i just wish there was something we could do to give us a different ending. one you deserve. ” his other hand reached out, combing gently, clumsily through her stray wisps of hair, before settling against her cheek. his lip trembled now, eyes gazing down to their combined hands against his chest. “ i know. and i love you so much, too. ” a pause. “ you’re my entire world, harper. ”
