#surviving separation

[maggotanatomy]

FLEETWOOD MAC’S RUMOURS AT 40: HEARTBREAK AND MAGIC by hanif willis-abdurraqib | ID under the cut

[ID: When my friend and his girlfriend broke up three months into the lease, they stayed in the apartment together. Breaking the lease was too expensive, as was one of them taking on the rent alone. It also seemed that there was something about remaining inside of the wreckage that was more seductive than pushing one’s way out of it alone. It seemed, at the time, like stubbornness, but really it was a judgment call: If I can carry with me the destruction of something that I once loved, isn’t it like I still have a companion? /end ID.]

[maggotanatomy]

IF YOU GO I WILL SURELY DIE

[maggotanatomy]

i don't wanna get over you / i guess i could take a sleepin' pill / and sleep at will / and not have to go through what i go through

[littlejennsmall]

Thankful... For clarity For self esteem For a growing level of self awareness For mindfulness For the ability to stay grounded For kindness For empathy For understanding For determination For optimism For emotional vulnerability For my ability to connect with others on a deep level For the ability to work on myself For requiring more of myself For demanding respect For standing up for myself. For the knowledge to recognize when things just aren't working anymore For the wisdom to draw a line in the sand For the ability to demand that I can ONLY give so much For being able to say enough is enough And for the knowledge that gave me the strength to walk away I am in a place I never imagined I would be. It's a great place to be. I value myself and know I deserve more than I've been given in relationships. Not that I didn't believe I deserved more, I just never knew how to get it. I didn't know that I was looking in the wrong places. There is no room for entitlement within relationships. I've never felt that way, like I was entitled to everything being made easy for me, like I didn't have to work on myself, like I was perfect. I don't know why I've continued to date people who approach relationships like that. How could I have expected anyone to have treated me well, when I didn't treat myself well? When I let someone step all over my boundaries all the time? So I drew the line, and I am demanding more. I hoped for more. I prayed for more. And I've spent the past month hanging out with someone who makes me cry from laughing every time we hang out. Someone who is the same kind of weird. We share a lot of qualities He's a creative who understands the ups, downs, ins and outs of the creative process. He is an explorer A kind hearted soul An observer Someone trying to understand others instead of judge them He is Introspective Loyal Loving Caring Giving Self aware Flexible Pushing to be better Pushing to build bridges rather than burn them. This is the most fulfilled and supported I've ever felt. No one is going to make me happy other than myself, and drawing that line in the sand is where I finally took a stand for myself.

[littlejennsmall]

There has been a lot going on around here recently.

I broke things off with Tom the week before last… we had been dating for 11 months, but this has been coming for awhile.

Ironically enough, I left on October 1st My 5th wedding anniversary (Ryan and I are still married, but approaching the finish line towards our divorce.)

Tom and I just became unhealthy. We fell into bad patterns. I love and care about him, but I also realize my limitations. I can’t lose myself in someone else. I can’t quiet myself down. I can’t be anyone but myself.

It just didn’t seem like there was enough space within the confines of our relationship for empathy, support or encouragement for what was going on in my life too.

I felt absorbed… if that makes sense.

My car was totaled last Wednesday. I am fine. The woman in the other car, And her four kids, were fine too. She was driving a Buick SUV ran a red light as I was turning left and nearly broadsided me.

Luckily, I saw her, slammed on my brakes, and turned to my right some, out of what, essentially, would’ve been a head on impact or being t-boned.

Insurance adjuster determined it was totaled. The whole front end of the car is displaced ¾" it’d cost far too much to fix it. I can get a check for it this week.

The caveat is, I can’t go out and buy/finance a car until I get the house refinanced.

I’ve been waiting on Ryan’s legal camp to accept an offer to buy him out of the house.

We finally agreed on a number last week and our separation agreement is finally being drafted up.

So I can push forward with the refinancing on the house once that’s signed. I was also waiting on getting my taxes done this week (I deferred until the fall.)

In the meantime, My family is letting be borrow a car for the next few months. A Dodge Stratus that was my brother in law, Will’s, car. Emily got a new car, and gave her husband her Geo Tracker.

My dad is getting the Stratus running, tagged, and insured for me until I can transfer insurance later this week. Hopefully, I will be able to get it tomorrow.

On a positive note: My former wedding anniversary ACTUALLY turned into one of the BEST DAYS I’ve had in years. I spent the day laughing so hard that my eyes were puffy from tears the next morning and my belly ached from too much laughter.

I know I’m strong enough to step away from something unhealthy now… That’s a HUGE revelation in my world. I always went down with the ship. But not now…I can’t anymore.

So as insane as things are, all is well with the world. Keep that PMA.

[littlejennsmall]

This makes me so happy! I’m so glad that this ring has found a new home and life!

[littlejennsmall]

Worn down

A lot on my mind with the divorce arrangements starting to get sorted out, and with the new shop opening in about 3 weeks.

I sold my wedding rings on eBay two weeks ago, for far less than I paid for them (that’s right, I paid for them.) I just hope that they have a good second lease on life, and bring joy to someone else’s relationship. That they get to represent a couple’s unwavering love for each other.

I feel like I am going through a more introspective time and don’t have very many words to share sometimes. I feel clouded and my wit hasn’t been able to be expressed very easily without it seeming really forced.

Maybe it’s the all the purging and redefining things going on. I still cry. I still feel jilted. I still mourn the loss of the human I fell in love with 10 years ago. I still wonder if I’ll ever be able to truly trust someone that much again, because I went ALL IN. I started losing him less than a year into our marriage, in 2012. It breaks my heart going back and beginning to see where it all went wrong, how I had ZERO clue what was going on, and how lost and alone it left me feeling. I’m not trying to garner sympathy, by any means, just trying to get this out of my head and heart. There is so much to the story that hasn’t been told or expressed. It may never all come to light, nor do I feel the need to drag it out for the whole world to gawk at, because it won’t change what’s happened, but those who’ve been around (who choose to!) can see through the smoke in the mirrors.

Struggling creatively again, but just trying to stay busy. Running to Greensboro tomorrow to get my oil changed and pick up a toolbox to sell. Purging feels great!

[littlejennsmall]

Zapped

I feel like I’ve been drained of energy for most of this past year… I feel sucked dry of inspiration.

I’ve had some major urges to nest, and major urges to reinvent my surroundings (probably to keep the past from infiltrating too much,) but as far as tattooing goes, I’ve struggled.

I’m far more critical of myself, and my work now, less inclined to take photos of pieces I normally would be very happy with. I feel like I’ve done SO WELL in some aspects of this rebuilding process, but tattooing is the one that matters most to me. Followed by being physically healthy, and I’ve sort of failed at that too. However, I am working to get that back. Mentally and emotionally, I have made huge strides…I know that those things are at the base of what makes this whole thing work. They are foundational.

I’ve focused so much on building a strong network of support around me, but I often feel unworthy of it, because I feel like I’m unable to bring the things I used to to the table. I felt broken, but far more in control when I traveled in 2013, right before I left BST. It was a very false sense of security, I overlooked glaring inefficiencies in my life, in my marriage, in my work environment.

I know my friends love for me is not contingent on those things, on how much I make, on how I look, or the quality of my work, but as far as my self worth as a maker, a do-er, this is VERY hard to get past.

Trying to get the mental/emotional/physical balance back by doing yoga 3-4 times a week and going to the gym 3-4 times a week as well. I’ve started running at least 3 miles each time I go. I need it.

I’m feeling a bit better, still a long ways to go. I want to lose 35-40 pounds. (13-18kg) I want to be down to a healthy weight, finally. I am 5'2" (157cm), with a small body frame (big ole booty though,) I’ll weigh between 107-112 (48.5-50.8kg) if I can reach those goals.