#suspected cptsd

[hotmail-com]

somebody mentions something triggering and suddenly im a child again. scared & vulnerable, on edge looking out for any sign of harm coming my way.

[sjscoyote]

Brain: I trust this person. I can let my walls down a little and let them see some of the flaws & vulnerabilities

Me: *does just that. It seems to go fine in the moment*

Brain, shortly after: Oh gods, I've fucked everything up. They've seen how broken I am & now are going to want nothing to do with the mess that is me

Every damn time. Even after reassurances that I did NOT fuck it all up by opening up.

[jimblescave]

The voice of anxiety that goes off when talking to people gets quieter.

Used to be “I SAID THE WRONG RESPONSE,THEY HATE ME, I’m wrong”

Now it switches to “that’s all I have to say and my intentions are positive, if I mess up I will learn from it”

[jimblescave]

I sleep like a person and then I’m given triggering dreams

Stunned

[jimblescave]

My fight ,flight and freeze responses are set off so easily. Even when the logic side of my brain understands where a feeling comes, I often am at the mercy of my body's defence mechanisms.

Could be falling asleep but if I hear specific phrases,noise or tones,that's it heart pounding and flooded with feelings and memories. Doesn't matter what im doing

[reaching-distantskies]

I think I'm more annoying when I like someone. I just don't want him to get tired of me or realize how obnoxious I am.

And been thinking about the like thing I keep seeing of BPD symptoms being worse when you're in a relationship and being paranoid that I'm already dealing with that on top of this year just being the worst my mental health has been in a while. Idk, I like him a lot and he seems to like me too (and like not in the way of me just being delusional) so i just... Don't want to ruin it.